The Biggest Problem in the Universe

The End of Shows 647 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Well this is it, what may end up being the biggest problem in the history of this show, the problem nobody wanted or saw coming: the end of shows. Sometimes shows run their course, and this is one of those times. After 107 consecutive episodes, this will be the final show for The Biggest Problem in the Universe. When we took a break 2 weeks ago, I had every intention of coming back to regular episodes today. Unfortunately that can’t happen, but we’re going out with something a lot of fans have requested for a long time: the full intro song at the end of this episode. Also, we have a brief cap at the top of the show with the ever-boisterous coconut, Asterios. The final episode includes a problem from the most-downloaded episode in the show’s history: Well-Intentioned Idiots, and a fan-favorite guest, Ryan Holiday. We go over the final tally of problems and solutions and reminisce about the show. When I first started this show, I created it as an experiment to see if people would vote on these problems week after week. It turned out to be wildly successful and highly scientific, so it’s an element I’d like to continue in other podcasts I work on. And speaking of… This goodbye is only temporary because the new podcast and the new podcast network is still launching within the next two weeks. I’ll be posting about it on Facebook, Twitter and the site that started it all, The Best Page in the Universe. If you’d like to call in and leave a voicemail or song for the new show to speculate what it’s about or to simply ask life-advice, the new number is: 1-562-58-I-RULE (1-562-584-7853) Special thanks to all of the guests, callers, people who sent in gifts, fans who came out to the live shows, people who bought me drinks and all of the contributors and people who work behind the scenes to make this podcast possible, including producer Randy Kiyan, Sean the audio engineer, assistant Jessica, Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock. This show wouldn’t be possible without you. One final shout-out to Harry’s for supporting this show over the years. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase. It’s been a genuine pleasure working with these guys. And finally, a very special thanks to me for tirelessly putting in 10-12 hours per episode for over 2 years, without a single break. You’re welcome. So long for now, it’s been a hell of a ride. Lots more to come.

Episode 106 Transcript cobbled together by Laurie Foster Self-Defeating Thoughts 3384 Toms Shoes 3213 Hoverboard Hoaxes 1736 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Here’s our second best-of episode where we play the first-ever “Weird Matthew McConaughey” voicemail before we gave him the moniker, a classic Bono phone call and the origin of the “go fuck yourself” tag that started from a pattern of disparate comments and voicemail we received. Dick starts us out with Hoverboard Hoaxes and bemoans the lack of boards that hover without the aid of wheels or superconducting rails or weird vacuum contraptions, and I discuss my master plan for stealing the crown jewels. Everyone on the show agrees that it’s brilliant and it was never discussed again. Then I talk about the problem I’ve received the most email about in this show’s history: self-defeating thoughts. This one hit close to home for a lot of listeners and I felt that it was worth including in a “best-of.” If you disagree, you might want to check yourself because that’s a self-defeating thought. Then Asterios rounds out the third problem with Toms Shoes and faux-altruism. Say that last word out loud to appreciate that brilliant portmanteau I created. And stay tuned to the end to hear one of our favorite fan songs by @BandWagonBedlam called, “Too Much Swearing,” a reference to an earlier problem Dick brought in of the same name. And for the curious, the bonus episode referred to in the promo was Bonus Episode 3.

Episode 105 Transcript cobbled together by Laurie Foster Loud Muffler Douchebags 4170 Bro-Downs 2760 Stonewalling Vegans 2525 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Here’s our first-ever “Best-Of” episode, which after putting it together, may actually be the best episode of this show we’ve ever made. But so is every show we record. This episode has us spanning the gamut from douchebags, from the ones so loud you can hear them in your home when they drive by, to another kind of douchebag: the party bro and the ensuing nipple-fencing that occurs every time they feel remotely slighted. Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase. And we round things out with the douchebag theme with the saggiest of bags of douche: the stonewalling vegan. A statistically rare creature, as vegans represent only 0.5% of the US population, they make up over 90% of the crying you hear when you go to restaurants. We all know one, because they won’t stop talking about their stupid extreme diets. They’re like a good-time wrecking ball that can destroy the most meticulous of dinner plans. They can’t just go to a social gathering, order something and shut their grass-eating holes because they have the constant need to soak up every last ounce of attention and make the night about them and their needs. Vegans, for being such allegedly thoughtful and compassionate people, don’t care about the suffering their friends, families and colleagues constantly endure at the behest of the arbitrary dietary restrictions. Arbitrary in the sense that nobody who lives in modern society is truly vegan, because emulsifiers that come from beef are used in almost everything we manufacture, from shampoos and paints, to the plastic used in the very keyboards they use to type out their whiny guilt-tripping screeds. Their diets kill billions of animals in harvesters, but they brush it off by saying it’s “unintentional.” Cool, I guess by that logic we should let drunk drivers off the hook too. Maybe both problems can be solved by having an Uber-like service where all the drivers are drunk and they only pick up vegans. Possible Biggest Solution…? Sources: VegetarianTimes – Vegans represent 0.5% of the US, that’s approximately 1-million loud-ass whiners Thumbnail Sources: Car, Court, Rims, Pipe Original thumbnail courtesy of Jack Tubbs

Episode 104 Transcript courtesy of Megan Pennock and Laurie F. Tipping 787 Bureaucracy 742 Post-Credit Scenes 82 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); We open this week’s show with discussing the social media meltdown revolving around the word “cuck.” Over the weekend I made a simple meme that made fun of both major political candidates, as they’re both as likeable as a shot of bleach. Guess which side had a COMPLETE MELTDOWN? Turns out that these people, for all their bloviating about PC culture being too sensitive, are quite sensitive! Want to reproduce my results? Just follow these simple steps: 1. Make an innocuous joke like this: 2. Sit back and enjoy the overly-sensitive, crybaby dipshits try to insult you with the only word in their vocabulary: “cuck.” Here’s an example from a more advanced writer, notice the conjunction of the word “cuck” and “master” to create the compound word, “cuckmaster”? Pretty clever. This writer even manages to use 3 other words: So I made this video in response, and the cry-babies proved my point that they’re overly sensitive and thin-skinned by expressing their outrage. Just look at the votes/comments: Dick tries to explain the old Shakespearean meaning of the word, which is essentially putting other’s interest before your own. Others have pointed out that this manifests itself in the phenomenon of raising another man’s offspring. Oh man, how embarrassing! I can think of nothing more insulting in this world than someone who would either A) get off to watching other people having sex or B) would want to actually raise a child they didn’t father/mother. Look at these suckers getting cuckolded! Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase. Big announcement this episode: we’ll be taking the next two weeks off so I can take time to focus on launching the new podcast and network. More details soon. But I won’t leave you hanging, as we’ll have best-of episodes in its place, with mix-and-match problems. Sound off below about your favorites. We’ll be back to live episodes on May 30th. And for those who still want a little extra to tide you over, here’s this month’s bonus episode if you haven’t checked it out, available for $1.33! Dick starts us off this week with his problem, which is a big one in my opinion: tipping. It’s a phenomenon that most people outside the United States aren’t familiar with, as it’s virtually unheard of in most of Europe, Asia and the Middle East. It puts you, the customer, in the position of also being the server’s manager. You can’t sit down and just enjoy your meal because you have to constantly be evaluating your server’s performance. It’s like becoming a temporary HR manager every time you get a sandwich at a restaurant: fun for no one. Then I bring in a problem that’s as cumbersome to spell as it is to abide: Bureaucracy. It’s in every facet of our lives, from phone companies, computer companies, cable companies, appliance companies, plumbers, electricians, power companies, gas utilities, the water company, garbage collectors, debt collectors, banks, universities, government, home owner’s associations, game tournaments and church. Everywhere we go in life, there’s needless and unwieldy procedures that people follow to a T. Every time you call tech support, you have to deal with a long list of touch or voice options, then you deal with a rep who makes you repeat their steps in the same order every single time. There’s no deviation from the script, no room for efficiency. Just needless and rote adherence to proc

Episode 103 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Humorless Stupid People 827 The Texting Batter's Box 334 Voicemail 183 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); We start out this show with voicemail like usual, which conveniently leads us to the first problem–and definitely a problem of the first-world order: voicemail. It’s obnoxious and the ones we play on the show are only a small fraction of the voicemail we receive. Maybe we’ll make a supercut of voicemail that didn’t make the show some day. We’ll call it, “melatonin.” Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase. Our guest, Michael Capes, joins us this week. For those of you who may not know, Michael is the purveyor of a lot of pranks and shenanigans, including his famous sneaking-into-Disney prank. He brings in “Humorless People.” If my intro paragraph pissed you off, you may be part of the problem. Michael talks about all the hurt butts in the comments section on Yahoo, YouTube and other online forums. I wonder if the comments on this site count? Only one way to tell: I’ll mention Trump and take shelter in my tear-proof bunker made out of bags of sand. Actual bags of sand, or boobs, I’m fine with either. And speaking of humorless comments, here’s the video I appeared in with Michael where we snuck into a night club with a crack team, ala Ocean’s 11 or 12. There are some real gems here: Also, special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code “biggest” to get $50 off, or don’t to pay $50 more. Isn’t it about time you upgraded your sleep game? Thank you to Casper and Harry’s for supporting us. And here’s one of the episodes of “What To Text” we shot together: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip7vtN86-aY Finally Dick rounds out this episode with the “texting batter’s box,” but not before we argue about what a baby is. Turns out, nobody knows. As for the texting batter’s box, it’s a concept Dick has referred to in the past, but finally brought it in as a problem: texting as an extra base when it comes to sex. First base, as everyone knows, is making out. Second base is hands below the waist, or handy-town. Third is when things get a little more scandalous when mouths go below the waist, and a home run is when you score. So what’s the texting batter’s box? According to Dick, an extra step before you even step up to bat. A step that Dick argues is a potential stumbling-block, where not batting correctly could mean you don’t even step up to the plate. Is that how it works? I don’t know, I don’t watch baseball because I don’t hate myself. And finally, because people are asking, I’ll announce more details about the new podcast along with the network soon. Stay tuned… Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Thumbnail by Eliazar Tatar Thumbnail Sources: Answering Machine, Counter

Episode 102 Transcript courtesy of Megan Pennock and Laurie F. Mosquitoes 964 Job Lynch Mobs 554 Helicopter Parents 553 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); In this exciting episode, Maddox gets chewed out by a real Pokemon master, Sean deletes a coffee, and I forget to read an erotic story that’s so good, you need a week to prepare for it. So wash the chili off of your sheets and get ready for another Biggest Problem in the Universe. Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to harrys.com/biggestproblems to get $5 off your first purchase. Do you have kids? If you do, chances are you’re doing it wrong, and we’ll tell you exactly how. Maddox brings Helicopter Parenting, the phenomenon of over-parenting your children, thereby stunting their growth and leaving them unable to cope with life as adults. Did your mom do your laundry? Then she probably turned you into an entitled, narcissistic, additional buzzword about millenials [or passive-aggressive dig against millenials, like adults living with their parents -Maddox], who can’t even shit without looking up how to do it on YouTube first. Who do these helicopter parents think they are? Do they think they live in a world where more than 15% of children are victims of sexual assault? They are and they do. Go vote up first time child experts. [Maddox Power Paragraph:] Yeah so about those sexual abuse statistics. Want to prevent child sexual abuse? Let them wander off to your neighbor’s house, because your child is 200% less likely to get molested by a neighbor than they are sitting right at home: http://www.d2l.org/atf/cf/%7B64AF78C4-5EB8-45AA-BC28-F7EE2B581919%7D/Statistics_2_Perpetrators.pdf BOOM. The biggest threat to children being molested are their own families. You’re better off letting them play unsupervised in your back yard, where they may encounter more scraped elbows, but 100% less grabby parents (vote up families). Suggesting that “helicopter parenting” will prevent child abuse is like suggesting militarized police will prevent police abuse. Vote up everything. [/Maddox] I bring in The Job Lynch Mob. It’s one part thought-crime, another part outrage porn, shaken not stirred by ten thousand loudmouths with too much time and too little control in their hands. To listeners, I ask the question: can you think of a tweet that’s so offensive it should cost someone their job? You personally. If you can, vote it down. To me, opinions are like assholes. I want a good, long look at all of them–especially the gross ones. Maddox ends the episode with another kind of hovering annoyance: Mosquitos. Easily the biggest problem on this list, mosquitoes are responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths every year, the spread of dangerous diseases, and worst of all, waking me up buzzing in my fucking ear like they own the place. Maddox claims we have the technology to end this menace once and for all, but it’s being waylaid by something called “ethics”. Go vote those up. By the way, for those of you who love a good stats, here’s the graph I mentioned that charts out each drugs harmfulness: Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Thumbnail courtesy of the incredibly Clay Rodery, Illustrator. http://www.clayrodery.com/ Sources: Maastricht University – Drug chart Parents.com – What is helicopter parenting? PsychologyToday – Helicopter parenting is worse than you think KSL.com – From latchkey kids to helicopter parents of today National Geographic – Over half a million people die every year from Mosquitoes Oxitec.com – A clever approach towards eradicating mosquitoes Thumbnail Sources: Scientists

Episode 101 Transcript courtesy of Laurie F. and Megan Pennock The War On Drugs 919 Ducking Autocorrect 439 The Golem Effect 276 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); In this episode, we talk about how Sean’s problem changed someone’s life, Maddox makes a big bet that’s bigger than the entire solar system–or just slightly smaller than his ego. And I talk about personal freedoms for like 30 minutes on this very special libertarian holiday. Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. 4/20 is like a Festivus of running your mouth for the world’s most annoying, academically-enlightened know-it-alls: libertarians and drug addicts. I manage to combine both in my problem of the War on Drugs. The war on drugs has failed on all fronts. It has not lessened drug use, addiction, or abuse. It has increased ten-fold the number of Americans in for-profit prisons, and it has bent minorities and Mexico over and ducked them up the ass. The only thing the war on drugs has succeeded in doing is making mushrooms extremely difficult for me to find even though I promised these chicks I would get them some last weekend, so what am I supposed to do here? Maddox brings in The Golem Effect because he really loves Lord of the Rings. Nerd! The Golem Effect is the phenomenon of lower expectations resulting in lower performance. In a way, Maddox is right. Samwise expected Golem to be a dick, and he was a dick. But in another way, Maddox is wrong because Golem was always a dick and had dicketry in his heart–even way back in the director’s cut when Smeagol kills his Hobbit friend to get the Ring of Power in the first place. That’s why the ring was able to corrupt him so completely and not Frodo, because he was a dick. Also, he talked like an asshole. Vote up Golem. I bring in Ducking Autocorrect. Have you ever messaged your mom for sex or texted your girlfriend that you can’t wait to get at her Holocaust after work? Have you ever used four “ha’s” when you only meant to use three? You probably have if you use the half-broken technological piece of shot known as autocorrect. Autocorrect is like that one relationship you suspect you’d be better without, but it would take so much work to find out for sure. And by “that one” relationship I mean all relationships. Ducking relationships! Here are the suggestions from Maddox’s phone when he types “I’m an…” A photo posted by Maddox (@realmaddox) on Dec 29, 2014 at 9:52pm PST And here’s the transcript of the voice-to-text segment during this episode that Maddox recorded. If you want to follow along, it starts at time-code 01:15:31. It drops out during a few parts because it’s shitty technology: Yeah right now I’m doing voice to text and I’m just see how much of this translates correctly for auto correct then we’re going to post this on the website but the rest of the conversation were going to see how much of it translates it also takes on the personality of your texting if I text like I already said this person was muted reaction never gets the right number of has in there cuz I never want that that’s usually something I actually chuckled I want sex to me in a text I typed it I don’t want you throwing it in there like that didn’t mean she didn’t come here for some sex at the office no I didn’t know I got up and I got to explain something that we both know we both know why it happened but I got it compulsively explain it like I have this like I’m the only one on earth in the office with a magical device that fucked up my text everybody has it so I’ll call you in a sec

Episode 100 Transcript courtesy of Laurie F. and Megan Pennock Addiction 1106 Asteroids 574 Women 435 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); We did it. We recorded our 100th episode, so all the people who said we couldn’t do it, all zero of you, take that. But we didn’t do this on our own, a special extended thanks to all of the people who made this podcast possible, starting with the opening theme you hear every week made by the brilliant Brett Mann. Our lovely and talented transcribers, Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock, all the people who’ve helped make thumbnails (Jack Tubbs, Clay Rodery, Eliazar Tatar, Ali Hassanein, Jessica Safron), Producer Randy Kiyan and all of our guests who’ve been on the show, the callers, the gifts, and anyone we may have missed, all of that makes this show worth listening to. A sincere thanks from all of us here at The Biggest Problem. And coming soon, Maddox has a big announcement on the show: An all-new podcast along with the launch of a new podcast network! Details will be forthcoming, stay tuned… Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. This is the big one folks. The big 100. We’ve got songs, gifts, celebrities, and a bombshell problem from Sean, but first, we kick off the celebration with a scintillating recap of the political satire problem from last week. Scintillating means “makes you want to kill yourself”, right? Then Maddox treats us to the worst Dick vs Dick in the history of the show, reaching back 8 years into the past and pulling probably the least contentious passage from my mansterpiece Men Are Better Than Women, also on sale, and shoving it in my face. I don’t know where explaining someone’s own book to them falls on the mansplaining man-mometer, but I bet it’s pretty high! Go vote up Maddox! Special thanks to Alex Bevan for reading Dick’s lucid prose. Maddox brings in Asteroids and claims you have a higher chance of being killed by an asteroid than attacked by a shark. The math doesn’t lie! We each propose radically different solutions to the asteroid problem. Maddox proposes defunding Planned Parenthood and forming a new world government ruled (presumably) by him, and I want to know when the rioting and looting starts. Come to think of it, those are our solutions to every problem. Go vote up sharks! Sean finally brings in his long cockteased problem. It feels like a spoiler to even reveal it in this post, so I’ll just say this: if you want to avoid any spoilers, IT’S ADDICTION. Fuck you. Go vote up Spoiler Cry Babies. And here’s the addiction video that Maddox mentioned, making good on his threat to post it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg I round out this mega-episode with a problem that has vexed man since the beginning of time. Women! I’ll take my chances with the asteroid thank you very much. We also got a bunch of sweet and shitty gifts pictured here. And an asteroid sized thank you to Ali Hassanein who produced this bitchin’ piece to celebrate our 100th episode. It’s so good I’m addicted to it. Women. Thanks again to everyone for listening, and an actual, genuine thanks if you’ve purchased our bonus episode available now for low, low price of $1.33. If you haven’t, what are you waiting for? A smart alecky comment? I hope so because that’s what you just got. Happy 100th episode, everyone. Here’s to 100 more. Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: The Harvard Crimson – Political Satire: Beyond the Humor BBC.com – If the Tunguska asteroid landed 4 hours later, it would have hit St. Petersburg Wikipedia – The Tungusk

Episode 99 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Facebook Video 792 Banging Your Funny Bone 561 Political Satire -43 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); That’s it ladies and gentlemen! This is the very last double digit episode. This is the very last time Sean will have not brought in a problem. This is the very last time alphanumeric sorting of our podcast episodes will be convenient. But if you think we’re going to have a 99th episode of problems without a bitch being one, you’re wrong! Welcome back special guest Asterios Kokkinos! Just kidding, I love Asterios. And he has a problem that will blow your mind! Special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code “biggest” to get $50 off, or don’t to pay $50 more. Maddox starts the episode with Facebook Video. It’s rare when a company can screw over their platform’s content creators, advertisers, and users all in one stroke; but that’s just what the talented folks at Facebook Video are doing–cramming autoplay videos into your feed like they’re shoving a big blue thumb up your ass, screwing advertisers outside the box with 3 second ad “plays”, and profiting from out of control piracy. There’s no joke on that last one because it isn’t a joke and I don’t see how these guys don’t have the hipster sued out of them. Hey, there’s a solution for next month: Class Action Lawsuits. Fuck Facebook Video. Asterios breaks bad with his problem of Political Satire. I don’t want to put words in his mouth, but I’m pretty sure he’s saying that John Oliver is a sanctimonious, disingenuous, pandering shill with a message crafted only to turn his followers into smug, parroting advertisements for his garbage show and garbager Drumpf hats, but I may have misinterpreted some parts. Political satire has become a toothless tiger, a shameless and calculated alchemy of outrage porn and marketing demographics that is as cloying as it is cloistering. Instead of an agent of change, it’s become an opiate for the disenfranchised, the closed-minded and the self-congratularati. But maybe Asterios is wrong. After all, it is 2016! Vote it up. I round off the episode with Banging Your Funny Bone. That’s the only bone in the world no one wants banged. Vote it up! Tune in next week for our big 100th episode celebration and the crushing aftermath of Maddox’s Voyager wager as featured on the bonus episode, which you can buy for $1.33! Thanks to Asterios for being on the show, check out Asterios’ The Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man Part II: www.devastatorpress.com/megaman2 And follow him on Twitter @asterios. Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Incredible thumbnail courtesy of Ali Hassanein Instagram – https://instagram.com/alihassanein Sources: Medium – Theft, Lies and Facebook Video

Episode 98 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Road Blockheads 771 Murderers 604 Acne 555 Junk In The Trunk -140 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Ever wondered what the podcast would sound like without Sean? You’re going to love this one then. The Delete-o Bandito waltzes into the studio late in this episode with a drink in one hand and an excuse in the other, without a care in the world like he’s pepper spraying student protesters at UC Davis. Just how late? You’ll have to listen to find out. But speaking of protesters… I bring in Road Blockheads. Those morons who block the freeway for reasons of love, hate, or the love of hatred. As far as I’m concerned, if you block the freeway for any reason other than “I fucked up”, you’ve just declared a one-man personal Purge on yourself. Waze should award Road Munchies for running these shitheads over. Remember, civil disobedience is still disobedience! Special thanks to Audible for sponsoring this episode. Check out http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest for a free 30 day trial. Maddox brings in Murderers. Charles Manson, OJ, Albert Fish, Hitler, each a more terrifying murderer than the last. But what about Planned Parenthood? Where do they fall on the scale? I’ll let you hear how the rest of that conversation goes. Does Maddox murder his own problem? Or does he hit it and acquit it? Only the voting will decide. I bring in Acne. If you voted down Living With Your Parents, and a lot of you did, something tells me you’re going to vote this one up. I had acne as a teenager–and also last week…It fucking sucks and no amount of lifting in the world will get rid of it. Vote it up unless you’re too busy applying 3 billion dollars of rip-off creams to your open face wounds. Maddox presents Junk in the Trunk, and he’s not talking about having a fat ass–something that everyone pretends is attractive for some reason. He’s talking about having a bunch of garbage in your car. We all do it, and apparently it’s a huge waste of gas and deepening America dependence on foreign oil. Just how much gas are we wasting? Is it 100 pounds? Because that’s the only number I retained from the presentation. Tune in next week for our 99th episode and ensuing debate over, “What is a murder?” That seems about right for this show. Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: Wikipedia – List of serial killers by the numbers NewsoftheWeird.com – List of “Waynes” involved in murder Freakonomics – 19 “Waynes” involved in crime in an 8-month period NY Post – Corriana Thompson, only murderer in the US to have killed with two genders CityLab – Who Owns the Highway. Time – Wedding Road Blockhead. AAD.org – What Is An Acne? EIA.gov – US wastes about 140 billion gallons per year Thumbnail Sources: Death Head Moth, Girl

Episode 97 Transcript courtesy of Megan Pennock Prank Bros 976 Decision Fatigue 943 Bits 180 Overpopulation Alarmists -70 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); There are only three more action packed episodes until everyone can finally have an opinion about the problem Sean brings in. Will it be hot shit or horseshit? Will it get deleted? Will it be about how no one helps Sean set up his audio equipment every week? There’s only one way to find out! Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. This episode, I bring in Decision Fatigue, the #1 cause of “can’t even” syndrome. According to my research, having too many choices makes you fat, stupid, worse at making decisions, and makes everything in life shittier. Those are the same reasons that public services announcements give to not do drugs. If you’re thinking of voting this election season, think of the effect all that choice will have on your overall happiness. Play it safe and stay home. When you choose, you lose. Maddox brings in Overpopulation Alarmists with the merciless take-down of 18th-century philosopher Thomas Malthus that you’re going to have to hear to believe. Among other things, Malthus didn’t predict the agricultural revolution and the fundamental change it would bring to sustainable levels of human civilization. What an idiot! Thomas Malthus would be pissing his pants in his grave right now if he wasn’t too dumb to even do that right. Malthus got a lot of things wrong — however, when pressed for the actual number of humans Earth could support between 7 billion and infinity, Maddox was stumped. I’ve seen The Price is Right. You can’t give no answer on the Showcase Showdown. I also bring in Bits, and the scientifically supported theory that people who compulsively joke and make puns suffer from brain damage. Comedy bits? More like bits of your brain are fucked. If you know someone who jokes compulsively even when you’re trying to talk to a girl and even when they aren’t funny, don’t just stop hanging around that person and talk shit about them on your podcast, get them the medical help they need. From what I’ve learned in cartoons, the only way to fix brain damage is with another, more severe blow to the head. Maddox brings in Prank Bros and shows a series of Internet “prank” videos that are either felonies or obvious fabrications, depending on how tall your soap box is. I think kids throwing milk around a store is hilarious, but as my previous problem showed, I have serious brain damage. Vote with your gut on this one, not your brain, and whatever you do don’t think too much about it. It will make you fat. Here’s h3h3Productions take-down of the shitty Moe and ET “social experiment” where they assault people for the crime of using Craigslist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IoTGVeqwjw Check out this hilarious prank where JoshPalerLin breaks windows in “the hood.” But it’s okay because in the end, he gives everyone a “free” car wash. Totally worth it! And check out VitalyzdTv egging car “prank in the hood,” which is code for “black people about to be harassed:” And to end things on a lighter note–a felony–here’s some illegal police impersonation by TwinzTV: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMMt02S5-oM And the infamous “gallon smash” video that spawned a million imitators: Here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: Wikipedia – What is a Decision Fatigue? James Clear – Parole Judges. NY Times – Are you a Decision Fatigue? Mental Floss – Bits. Wikipedia

Episode 96 Transcript courtesy of the lovely Megan Pennock Haters 735 Attention Deficit Disorder Diagnosis 639 Poor Gym Etiquette 605 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); It’s time for another uninvited guest! This time it’s famed “person who claims to be a DJ online” and star of his own Twitter account, DJ Tim Changzzzzz. Pew pew pew! If you love him, subscribe to his YouTube channel. If you hate him, subscribe twice so you can leave a shitty comment on everything he produces; but know that if you do that, you’ll be one of today’s biggest problems. Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. Maddox brings in ADHDD, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. The extra D stands for DBPP or Diagnoses By Parent. The extra P is a typo. Millions of kids have ADHD. Does that mean their brains are fundamentally broken and ill-equipped to function in society without drugs? Big Pharma would like you to think so. Big Psychiatry wants you to think that these kids just need someone to talk to. My parents solved problems by making me run laps. DJ Tim Changzzzzz brings in Haters and if you can figure out why he thinks this is a problem, you should probably get yourself on some Ritalin because you have some serious ADHD. Predictably, Tim is light on stats, but heavy on showmanship, a socially acceptable version of nonsense. Also, if you haven’t seen it, check out what I can only assume is DJ Tim Changzzzzz’s tryout video for PornHub, where he stuffs greasy wieners into all of his orifices. https://youtu.be/33JoQYUTERg I bring in Poor Gym Etiquette, which might as well have been in another language. Maddox insists that gym goers do not suffer from assholes talking too loud; dickheads spitting in the drinking fountain; ball goblins using the bench press for 2lbs triceps kickbacks; horny prick weasels cuddling and smooching and acting like they’re at a drive-in; jizz wizards stealing your 15-pound weights when you’re in the middle of a workout; and human cock employees acting like missing equipment is a mysterious act of God that they’ll pray comes to an end instead of something they should be trying to fix instead of texting their wannabe DJ friends. Maybe this isn’t a problem at places like Curves, but I wouldn’t know because they have a restraining order against me. Finally, our fan Dr. Smooth Rod sends in some fake money for Maddox’s fake wallet. For more information on this #lifehack, check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33. We accept Maddox bucks, but they have to be delivered to us in the decapitated head of your greatest enemy And here’s that Cornerstone ad that seems like a parody: And that Katie Couric clip about a guy who forgets things sometimes, but it’s not his fault, it’s the debilitating ADHDD: And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: ADHDAwarenessMonth.org – 9% of children and about 5% of adults supposedly have excuses in the form of ADHD/ADD Amazon.com – Maddox’s blatant plug for his book, “The Alpabet of Manliness.” Or was the plug just brilliant? Add.org – Do you have ADD? Take this test to find out. Spoiler: you do. Everyone does. Psychology Today – Why French kids don’t have ADHD Telegraph.co.uk – ADHD is vastly overdiagnosed, and many children are just immature, say scientists New York Times – Psychiatrist fails to disclose $1.6 million paid to him by pharmaceutical companies who relied on his work to prescribe antipsychotic drugs to children. Oops! New York Times – Maker of ADHD medication marketed directly to children with a superhero comic to try t

Episode 95 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Sleep Deprivation 979 Bottled Water 510 Twitter 462 Bumper Stickers 18 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Stock up on your bags of sand and prepare for an informational flood of biblical proportions. Who shot JR? What’s Kramer’s real name? Fuller House sucks, right? These burning questions of our pop cultural era mean dog shit compared to the bombshell that is dropped at the end of this episode of the Biggest Problem in the Universe. And I mean the very end. You have to listen to the entire episode. But first… Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. In this episode, we receive gifts in the form of brownies and cookies and, as per my request, fan Daniel Heggie immortalizes one of my epic rants in an experimental form of jazz hands that he calls “Australian Sign Language”. Take a look at it below, and make sure you tell Daniel how boss his hair looks even if you don’t really think so. I start the episode with Bumper Stickers. Imagine everything you would never ever say in polite conversation: how many kids you have; who you support for president; preachy, virtue-signaling platitudes; the N-word. Well, with a bumper sticker, you can say all of that and more for low, low price of your dignity. Bumper stickers are the presumptuous Alamo of our modern age. Did you forget what a tremendous prick I am? Don’t worry, I taped it on my shit-mobile. Remember my bumper sticker. Maddox brings in Bottled Water. Sure, estrogen-leaching, masculinity-eradicating BPA chemicals are bad and everyone agrees that the idea of water being more expensive than gasoline is farcical and inhumane, but what’s the alternative? Drinking out of the toilet? Gross. According to Maddox, Pepsi has declared war on free tap water. Maybe they should declare war on medicine-y aftertaste because Pepsi sucks. I bring in Sleep Deprivation. Not only can it make you fat, stupid, depressed, ugly, and dead, but it can also make you fall asleep while you’re trying to eat a girl out. I can’t speak from personal experience because I don’t do that sort of thing, but I heard about it from a guy. Maddox ends the episode with Twitter. What is there to say about an industrialized social media juggernaut that connects millions of people across the world and sublimates consumer media into an interactive experience unifying technology and communication in a single hive consciousness? How about, there aren’t enough characters. If you agree, #voteitup #YOLO #blessed #Trump2016 And don’t forget to check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33 And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: WebMD – 10 Things to Hate About Sleep Loss. CDC – Insufficient Sleep is a Public Health Problem. PCMag – 44% of Twitter accounts have never sent a tweet. TechCrunch – Twitter is hiring anti-bullying advocates. BusinessInsider – 48% of all bottled water comes from a tap, plus Pepsi wants to end tap water. Thumbnail Sources: Tumbleweed, Desert Background, Bricks.

Episode 94 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Slouching 715 Celebrity Prom Requests 482 Adults Living With Their Parents 346 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Like AC/DC we are back in black this week to round up the most controversial problem ever brought in on this show. Of course, I’m not talking about Being Black. I’m talking about friggin’ Wallets. Dozens of passionate challengers called in to debunk Maddox’s non-singular wallet lifestyle. Does he fold under the pressure? Or is the world about to be hit with a new fashion trend: Two wallets for show. Zero wallets for a pro. Special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code “biggest” to get $50 off, or don’t to pay $50 more. You know who doesn’t need wallets? My problem: Adults Living at Home. Because they have no money. Are you an adult living at home? Then you know why it’s a big problem. I mean, sure your laundry gets done and you get to eat three home cooked meals a day and you don’t have to deal with wasting money on rent or the crushing isolation and disposability of apartment living, but I forgot what the negatives are. Anyway, vote it up. Your parents will thank you for it. Asterios brings in Slouching, and also a model to demonstrate correct posture. As far as I’m concerned, you can’t be a model and eligible for the US Senate at the same time. Anyway, slouching is a big deal if you’re into not looking like a degenerate, no-account slob. I think it also causes cancer and heart disease because why not, everything else does. We go over some weird nipple fixes for slouching on the show, but we all know the one true fix: lifting. Go vote it up on the solutions page. Maddox kicks off prom season by bringing in Celebrity Prom Requests because it bullies celebrities into doing something they don’t want to do, and also blames it for Ronda Rousey’s loss to the other woman who’s name I can’t be bothered to look up and don’t care about. Is it a problem? Is it no big deal? Or is it someone’s secret attempt to get dozens of prom date requests. Find out next week on an all new episode! And for those who haven’t seen the conclusion to Maddox’ cricket saga, here it is: And here’s the parade of embarrassment that is the celebrity prom request. Get your cringe-face ready: Kate Upton prom request: Ronda Rousey Marine Ball request: ABC News Mila Kunis prom request: Shaun White prom request: Thanks to Asterios for being on the show, check out Asterios’ The Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man Part II: www.devastatorpress.com/megaman2 And follow him on Twitter @asterios. And don’t forget to check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33 -Madodx here: I’ve received several requests for the name of the book about back pain that I mentioned. They’re by Dr. Sarno, and this is the most popular one: /Maddox And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: Daily Mail – More adults are living with parents. US News – The new young-adulthood. NPR – Millennials are slow to cut the cord. The Economist – Standing up at work. Prevention – Bad posture affects your health and happiness. Mayo Clinic – Back pain. Thumbnail Sources: Brace Face

Episode 93 Transcript courtesy of the amazing Megan Pennock Google Delegators 502 Being Black 500 Wallets -576 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Lock your car doors, cross to the other side of the street, and give your back pocket a tap to make sure your wallet’s still there; we’ve got a very special guest on this week and we’re going to walk a mile in his shoes. Heads up, we’re going to get followed around a lot by expert criminal profilers who make minimum wage. Unlike the Oscars, Maddox and I think that this podcast should represent more than just Sean and his white problems–problems like not getting enough emails encouraging him to bring in a problem for the 100th episode by visiting the Who page and emailing him directly. That’s why fan of the show, Denzel, brings in the problem of Being Black. Myths were debunked, perspectives were broadened, and only half of the people on the show survived the entire hour without using a racial epithet. Happy Black History Month. Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. Here’s the Donald Sterling clip we discussed, where ESPN host Bomani Jones brushes aside the casual racism of Donald Sterling for the real issue. The entire interview is good, but he gets to the heart of the issue around 5:27 if you’re short on time: Maddox brings in Wallets as a problem, because they’re full of useless bullshit and are basically purses for men. I agree with him in theory, but like Q-Tips and texting while driving, I’ll probably never give up my wallet. I’m so addicted to wallets I have a wallet in my wallet just in case I need to sort through some receipts, foreign checks, and out-dated auto insurance cards while I’m sorting through my receipts, foreign checks, and out-dated auto insurance cards. To replace wallets, Maddox proposes a radical system wherein we simply use nothing at all and cram bills and credit cards into our pockets like reverse magicians. I can’t prove it, but my hunch is that something was wrong with this system necessitating the invention of wallets. I guess we’ll let Maddox, the guinea pig in chief, find out what that problem was. -Maddox power paragraph: So I searched Google images for “slope-head” and “slope-headed” and other than that one Urban Dictionary reference, I saw no references to Chinese people in the top search results (even with safe-search filter off), but several to cave men / neanderthals. Is this confirmation bias? No. Though I did find several references to it in the racial slur database, so it does check out. You be the judge, so long as you agree with me: Search for “slope-head:” Search for “slope-headed:” /Maddox I bring in Google Delegators, people who treat everyone else as servants for their own personal Googling. Just because I have my computer out, doesn’t mean I’m asking to Google something for you. I finally get what all those feminists are talking about. I didn’t do a very good job with my problem because I spent all week trying to figure out how to help black America. Did I figure it out? I think I got closer than anyone else. Let me know in the comments below. Check out Denzel on Twitter: @thatDenzel, Instagram: @ninetytwobricks, and Snapchat (UglyTanSofa). And don’t forget to check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33 And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: NPR – Interracial dating. OK Cupid – Race attraction. NYCLU – Stop and frisk. NY Times – Driving while black. DumbLittleMan.com – Sticking to the 1-2-2 rule for wallets. NPR – Lead Poisoning Washington Post &#8211

Episode 92 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Confirmation Bias 1316 Internet Addiction 1111 Burning Your Mouth On Hot Food 713 Receipts 373 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Several debates rage on in this episode: What is a stop? Are Q-tips still dangerous even if you don’t shove them in your ear hole like you’re loading a musket? Will Sean bring in a problem for the 100th episode or will he delete the hopes and dreams of thousands of fans? Or will enough people email him and bully him into doing it by visiting the Who page where his email is? Only time will tell! Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. Maddox brings in the very serious problem of Internet Addiction, a problem that has killed at least 6 Chinese people (according to the research presented), and has put several more in internet addiction rehab camp. I do agree that internet addiction is a big problem, I just think it’s an unlikely problem coming from someone who would suck a dick to be permanently plugged into the Oculus Rift. But I guess that proves the strength of the addiction. If you’ve ever tried to click a word on a newspaper, vote it up. On a serious note, if you or someone you know is suffering from internet addiction, please send them a link to our website and Facebook page and Maddox’s Twitch stream and Twitter. And special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. I bring in Receipts as a problem because they are annoying and pointless and make a mess in my car. Also, they contain chemicals that will shrink your dick. As a society, why do we willingly participate in this “proof of purchase” charade? Do we like carrying around a little certificate in our pocket that says we earned something? Maybe. People, it’s time to break free from the shackles of this receipt conformity. Come to my self-improvement seminar, where Instead of making you walk over hot coals to imbue you with a fleeting and false sense of personal empowerment, I make you walk past the receipt checking guy at Best Buy. Here’s the Mitch Hedberg joke about receipts that Maddox mentioned: Maddox brings in Confirmation Bias. I think it’s a huge problem, but that’s probably just my bias talking. I’m going to vote it down to demonstrate my critical thinking. I would have put money on confirmation bias being Maddox’s problem for the 100th episode, but I would have been wrong. What problems do you think we’ll bring in the for the 100th episode? Guess below. The winner will get a prize. I bring in a problem that is just as difficult to spot as confirmation bias until it’s too late: Burning Your Mouth on Hot Food. If you feel the burn, lend me your vote–the burn of burning your mouth on hot food that is. Finally, listener Brent Moran sends in Virtual Maddox, a freakishly accurate recreation made by “running Markov processes on transcripts of the show to simulate Maddox’s speech patterns”. I think it’s pretty accurate, but you all will have to be the judge. Either way, Brent has some explaining to do. And don’t forget to check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33 And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: NPR – Ben Alexander story from NPR. Discover Magazine – Bulgarian city council member demoted for playing FarmVille. IGN – Man playing Everquest kills his child. The Guardian – Korean couple lets their child starve to death while they played at an internet cafe. ScienceDaily – Do you know what is a ‘confi

Episode 91 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Food Waste 1982 No One Teaches You How To Have Sex Good 1178 Q-Tips -282 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Is there a doctor in the house? We’re all going to need one after this episode because my Spidey/specious medical advice senses are tingling. But what set them off? Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase. Also, special thanks to Audible. Check out http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest for a free 30 day trial. I bring in the problem of Food Waste. Did you know one out of four calories produced in the world go straight into the trash? If only the same could be said of Tumblr posts, “think pieces”, and celebrities. The world would be a much better place. It’s even worse in the United States, where 30-40% of the food supply is wasted. If only the same could be said of my state of inebriation. The world would be a much better place. Recently, France passed a law preventing supermarkets from disposing of perfectly good food that looks a little fucky, and then doing shit like dumping bleach on it to make it inedible for the homeless and destitute. I’m all for a good prank, but even as a libertarian, I can say that that is a questionable use of bleach. Robin Higgins is back with the steamy problem of No One Teaches You How To Fuck Good. She’s right, but I don’t know if we solved her problem this episode. Robin presents some great advice like don’t do any bits during sex and why do I hate women? She also brings in an idea for a “boring porn” that would serve as an instructional video and teach us all how to fuck more good. Also, I offer to electronically screen potential gentleman suitors for Robin this Valentine’s Day. Hit me with your best lines. Be creative. I’ve heard and said them all. And speaking of Robin, check out her in-depth theory on whether or not Pat Sajak and Vanna White have boned: Maddox ends the episode with Q-Tips. According to half of the people on this podcast, Q-Tips are cotton swabs you use to clean your ears. According to the other half, they’re titillating sticks of sensual pleasure that ride your earhole g-spots into a world of addicting ecstasy. I’m not exaggerating. Maddox says that Q-Tips are dangerous to use and that having wax in your ears is good for you and part of the body’s natural defenses against things like germs and dust and assholes who disagree with you. I have no idea if this is true. If you’re a doctor, please reach out via email. This might be the most important consultation you’ve ever weighed in on. If Maddox is right, I have several hundred Q-Tips I need to throw away and then pour bleach on. I don’t want any homeless people getting addicted to fucking their earholes with fuzzy sticks. Here’s Betty White shilling for Q-Tips you aren’t supposed to use: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s95YO3dkMY0 And the questionable alternative, WaxVac: Speaking of getting your earholes fucked, check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33 Sources: CDC – Prevalence of violence by an intimate partner by gender and sexual orientation. World Food Day USA – Food waste facts. The Guardian – New French food waste law. Washington Post – We have a Q-Tips problem. WBUR.org – Danger of using Q-Tips. Thumbnail by Eliazar Tatar Thumbnail Sources: guy reading, facepalm.

Domestic Violence 2320 Unappreciated Artists 1605 Crickets -380 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); If you haven’t purchased the most recent bonus episode for $1.33, none of this episode will make sense. Asterios Kokkinos is back! And this time he has a problem that will appeal to anyone who’s ever thought of something and then expected to make a million dollars from it. Of course I’m talking about Unappreciated Artists. Imagine a world where the guys who created Superman and Wolverine and Ghost Rider are all homeless and giving hand jobs for sandwich meat in Battery Park. If that got you excited, congratulations because that’s the world you’re living in. Personally, I think a five year old could have created the concept of Superman: a guy in a cape who can’t be killed. Big fucking deal. The success of the brand is due to xenophobia, nostalgia, and years of marketing, but what the fuck do I know. Vote up people who tell you about their dreams. Special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code “biggest” to get $50 off, or don’t to pay $50 more. True to form, I bring in a problem that happened to me on the way to record the podcast: Domestic Violence. If you don’t think domestic violence is a problem, you’re probably not one of the one-third of the population of Earth who is beating the hell out of the other one third. Domestic violence is the reason we have neck ties. It’s comforting to imagine we’re civilized, but the stats say otherwise. I’ve attached several of those stats to this post. If you yourself are a victim of domestic violence, please do whatever you’re statistically most likely to do. That’s all we can ask for. Maddox rounds out the episode with a much more personal problem, something that has plagued both man and comedian and the British since the beginning of time: crickets. Crickets are loud, and annoying, and full of protein. But that can be said for all the hosts of this show too. Vote up crickets and watch Maddox and Asterios hunt them down on Periscope! Update: -Maddox here: I caught the bastard last night! More to come… Caught the fucker! This cricket has been tormenting me for weeks. Should I eat it? Vote. #cricket #maddox A photo posted by Maddox (@realmaddox) on Feb 2, 2016 at 2:42am PST /Maddox We also discuss some super sweet 3D renderings of Maddox and myself brought to you by Jonathan Milling, and hear several opinions on Maddox’s brand of vigilante justice. Maddox https://youtu.be/QCwZe5Fhyfg Dick Masterson https://youtu.be/L2ojuf7V4gg Check out Asterios’ The Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man Part II: www.devastatorpress.com/megaman2 And follow him on Twitter @asterios. Sources: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence – U.S. Domestic Violence Stats. HuffPo – More Sterile Numbers. Wikipedia – Super Ray, no one got a million dollars for thinking up him! Thumbnail Sources: Cap, cricket.

Episode 89 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Affluenza 1806 People Who Talk About Their Dreams -146 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); If you’re a fan of fuckface idiots, this week’s show is chock full of them due to the huge problem of “affluenza.” It’s the phenomenon of rich people blaming their affluence on their inability to tell right from wrong. It turns out that being too wealthy can cushion you from things like consequences for your actions, empathy, justice, jail time or any modicum of consideration. It’s a huge sense of entitlement to not just public resources, but other people’s actual lives. That sense of entitlement may be pervasive, as displayed by drivers of luxury vehicles who are the least likely to yield for pedestrians: Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to feel the Force and get $5 off your first purchase. What’s ironic is that for all the wealth people hoard, and all of the endless consumption, it hasn’t made anyone happier for it: https://www.stlouisfed.org/publications/regional-economist/january-2010/the-dismal-science-tackles-happiness-data The original definition of affluenza had more to do with excess consumption and the stress related to it, as seen in this dated documentary from 1997. It’s about an hour long so the bulk of the interesting parts come up top if you want to skim: Which leads us to the modern case of affluenza: Ethan Couch. He’s the spoiled shithead who stole a bunch of beer from Walmart with his friends, then killed 4 people while drunk driving and injured 9. Here are the victims left in his wake; the four in the middle are dead: Source: ABC 20/20, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyTdfkslIeY One of his victims, Sergio Molina, has been paralyzed and can only communicate by blinking: And here’s the idiot fuckface who did it, who after the car crash, he told people at the scene to remember his name because his parents would get them out of trouble: Source: ABC 20/20, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyTdfkslIeY The judge gave him 10 years probation and mandatory time in a cushy rehab facility with horses, massages and hot tubs. No jail time. The judge gave the horse-shit explanation that probation would keep Couch “under the state’s thumb.” Of course, Ethan Couch immediately skipped his probation hearing and fled to Mexico. But not before throwing one last rager in violation of his probation. Here’s the shithead partying with drunk friends after his verdict: ya boy ethan couch violating probation. i got more if u want @CityofBurleson @TarrantCountyDA pic.twitter.com/otiGprQ1uD — h (@BlondeSpectre) December 2, 2015 Also, we come to learn that Ethan was unsurprisingly homeschooled because his parents disagreed with a teacher who said he wasn’t allowed to drive at 13. Here are all the sordid details on ABC’s 20/20: As for Dick, he was predictably contrarian, even when it comes to defending a murderer. Dick mischaracterized the judge’s ruling as a rejection of the affluenza argument, but this exact same judge ruled for jail time on a very similar case where another teen, Eric Bradlee Miller, killed one person while drunk driving: Source: NY Daily News Dick’s moral compass was all over the place this episode, with his defense of stealing, dishonesty and … this teen? The judge? The ruling? I’m not sure. The disagreement was flying so fast that I think I could have said Dick was awesome and he’d find a way to disagree with me. That said, Dick’s problem of “people talking about their dreams” rounded out this episode nicely and ended things on a lighter note. Though how much of a problem is a min

Episode 88 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster Not Enough Toilets 2188 Last Call 1218 Lottery Winners -913 See All the Problems... jQuery(document).ready( function($) { console.log('test'); $('.voteup').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_up', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { console.log(response); obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); $('.votedown').click(function() { var problem_id = $(this).data("id"); console.log(problem_id); var data = { action: 'problem_vote_down', problem_id: problem_id, solution: false, }; var me = $(this); var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php'; var ajaxurl = 'https://biggest.thedickshow.com/wp-content/plugins/big-list/vote_handler.php'; jQuery.post(ajaxurl, data, function(response) { obj = jQuery.parseJSON(response); console.log(obj); $('.votes-'+obj.problem_id).text(obj.votes); }); return false; }); }); Just a reminder, for anyone interested in hiring DJ Tim Changz for their wedding, bar mitzvah or podcast, check him out on twitter @TimChangzzzzz. If he manages to keep that Twitter account updated for longer than a week, I will suck a dick. Asterios is back! And trying to impress a special lady friend while he’s at it with his Wayne Brady-slaying comedy, his seductive Star Wars themed puns, and his erotic extreme-shouting about nothing. But he fucks up by bringing in Last Call as a problem. If I was trying to impress a woman, I would have brought in a problem like Not Enough Celebrity Dancing Shows or Having Too Big A Penis, but to each their own. Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to feel the Force and get $5 off your first purchase. Last call is a huge problem though, and not just for alcoholics; alcoholics who don’t admit they are; and alcoholics who admit they are on the podcast, but secretly don’t really think they are. According to Asterios, last call increases violence, drunk driving accidents, and alcohol consumption. According to Maddox, last call was created because of Hitler. And according to me, last call is the political issue of the century. I want a last call that’s so drunk, I can barely see it. Vote it up! Because I am a selfless humanitarian, I bring in Not Enough Toilets, a problem that sounds stupid but is actually a major source of disease and assault in the third world. It’s also the reason that all of Hollywood and especially my block stinks like urine 365 days a year. Don’t believe me? Come to LA and walk toward the smell of urine. When you pass out from ammonia poisoning and drown in a sea of piss, you’ve found my apartment. Like most bathroom-related problems, I bring in more stats than I can discuss on the show. If you’d like something to read while you’re relieving yourself in the dumpster outside of my apartment building, follow the links below. Maddox finishes the show with a high-stakes problem that you’ve probably never even considered: Lottery Winners. Tremble in fear at the dissection of their fiscal irresponsibility. Brace yourself for terrifying highs and dizzying lows of people who were once poor, get rich, and then become poor again! Your mind will bend in agony when you learn that lottery winners sometimes become addicted to drugs! And then blow their winnings on those drugs! And on scams! Scams that have much better odds than winning the lottery in the first place! I’m just kidding. Lottery winners are a huge problem. At some point in their life, everyone has won something in the lottery, even a token amount of $4, and I think we can all agree that everyone is a huge fucking problem. Apologies for the nasal sound of my voice. I was getting over a cold. Go vote up Presenteeism. Check out Asterios’ The Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man Part II: www.devastatorpress.com/megaman2 And follow him on Twitter @asterios. And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners: Sources: UN.org – Toilet Day. LA Times – Urine Destroying Cities. Esure.com – Dick’s “1 in 7” stat is an ad by an insurance company that conflates accidents with “near misses.” Garbage Time – How winning the lottery makes you miserable. NY Daily News – Tragic stories of big jackpot winners. NY Times – You will not win the Powerball Jackpot NY Times – Dear Powerball Winner: Take Our Advice and Take the Annuity. Thumbnail Sources: Arm, toilet tank, bowl, tile.