Why Friendships Change When You’re Raising an Autistic Child

In this week's episode of The Autism Mums Podcast Victoria and Natalie talk about how relationships can shift when your family begins navigating autism, even before a diagnosis is confirmed. As priorities change and the reality of advocating for your child sets in, friendships can evolve, strengthen, or sometimes drift apart.

Key Takeaways

1. Raising an autistic child can reshape your priorities and change the person you become.
2. How advocacy for your child can challenge social expectations and sometimes make others uncomfortable.
3. Friendships may evolve as your life begins to revolve around meeting your child’s needs.
4. Connecting with other parents of neurodivergent children can create powerful understanding and support.
5. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive people can make the journey feel less isolating.

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Transcript

Victoria Bennion: [00:00:00] In today's episode, we're talking about something that doesn't always get discussed openly, but that many parents on the autism journey experience, and that's how friendships can change. When you're raising an autistic child or autistic children, your life can begin to look very different from the one that you imagined or the one that you used to have. Your priorities shift, your time becomes limited, and you often find yourself advocating for your child in ways you never expected.

All of that can have an impact on the relationships around you. Some friendships grow stronger, some drift apart, and sometimes you find new connections with people who truly understand your journey.

In this episode, we are reflecting honestly on our own experiences, the changes we've noticed in ourselves, the challenges that can arise with longstanding friendships and the new supportive communities we've discovered along the way

. if you've ever felt like your world and your relationships have changed we hope this conversation helps you feel a little less alone.

It's [00:01:00] interesting, something I've noticed how friendships shift when I was going to say after the diagnosis of autism, but in my life I can go back to the playground when my son was at first school and he was really struggling to go in in the mornings and me being in the playground outside late trying to persuade him to go in and realizing that I wasn't alone and that there were other parents in the same position and it was really lovely from that point of view.

As I know we've talked on the podcast before about how you make new relationships, make new friends, but I think it's also important to talk about what happens with existing friendships and situations. It's something that I've been thinking about quite a lot recently. I think that it's a common struggle because your life goes in a very different direction and

certainly I find my priorities changed and I wouldn't have had the understanding that I do [00:02:00] now, and it could just cause me to reflect really.

Our journey has now been about three years. In that three years, I would say that I'm quite a different person. Than who I was before.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. I think it makes you a lot more resilient. I certainly fight harder. I used to find it hard to speak up in meetings and things like that, but when you're put in the position of you need to get your child the support they need, then you're gonna do whatever it takes.

And you're armed with more knowledge. So I didn't know anything about autism before. This was even raised as a possibility. So, you know, you go on this journey, don't you, of gaining all this knowledge, speaking to other people that are going through this similar things and your life kind of becomes consumed by it for a time.

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, that's really true. And there's a point, and I remember the point. I was driving in the car back from school and I was at this crossroads mentally, with what direction did I [00:03:00] go in and I really didn't feel like I wanted to fight. I really didn't feel like I had the strength to fight the local authority.

And parts of me was thinking, I, may just deregister him, I'm just gonna deregister him, keep him at home. At that point, we didn't have a diagnosis, but autism had been mentioned. But I didn't feel like it was, the right thing to do for this child.

What he needed was actually the appropriate support, the appropriate setting. Before I knew it, I had fallen into the fight, the EHCP journey, the pathway for diagnosis, the fighting for, at that time, a reduced timetable, all the things that go with it. And I feel like for me, over that time, I, like you say, I've, certainly changed

I'm a much more compassionate person. Because like you said, you learn these things. You go on the courses, like the Early Birds course, you read the books you [00:04:00] gain this. Understanding , you can't then not be changed by that and by the experiences of your child.

Natalie Tealdi: I think also, like if you see parents with children who seem to be behaving badly you see it in a different way when you understand that there could be something else going on there.

Victoria Bennion: Yeah, absolutely. , What did dad say? We were zealots.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.

Victoria Bennion: When we were joining in the protest so I guess something in us has changed in that fighting for what our children need, and not just what our children need, but what all children need and all children deserve. And then I became really grateful when I went to the support groups and parents further along in the journey, took the time to support me, to advise me on the next steps when there was no map and they were my map suggesting what to do next, and I just felt that it was really important to then give back to parents not as far in the journey as we were, who were [00:05:00] at that point where they're navigating it. And I hadn't reflected on how that might be for people who've known you a long time.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.

Victoria Bennion: I'd seen it certainly from the point of view of we would be invited to parties and then we'd go, and then my child. wouldn't join in and when, really, really struggling, couldn't even enter the room. And then you are that parent and not everybody knows how to respond to you or might not have the sympathy as to why you are late.

Don't see all the steps that needed to be taken before you could even get that child out the door in the first place. . And as another parent, said to me at a party once, , I don't know why you bring your child to the parties, they obviously don't want to be here.

I also had that about school. It was, meant well from the member of staff at school, but she said. They really don't want to be here, do they? And I remember saying at the time, it's not that straightforward. [00:06:00] They do, but then they can't cope. And then that not being able to cope causes their self-loathing, the disappointment, the frustration that push and pull between want and can't.

Natalie Tealdi: And it's the comparison with the other children who they can see that are coping and then thinking, well, why? Why are they coping? I can't. And then that makes them feel worse, doesn't it?

Victoria Bennion: And I do think that's where a diagnosis can come in. Going off on a bit of a tangent here, because for one of my children, I know that was so important because. They wondered why they couldn't cope when their peers could cope, and the diagnosis helped explain that, and it took away that constant questioning.

Parents also can take really different routes with their children. And when you decide to say, no, I'm not gonna send. My child in, what I've noticed is that's really uncomfortable for people as well who don't take that view.

And I, I feel that that has caused some difficult [00:07:00] conversations because not only are you doing this for your child, but you're saying. I not going to school as an option.

Natalie Tealdi: Exactly. You're challenging the, the norms, aren't you? Society,

Victoria Bennion: Totally. You're challenging the norms. And whilst I only ever thought about how that was affecting us and was very focused on what I was trying to achieve to get my child's needs met so they weren't damaged. You don't realize that actually you can be really getting other people's backs up with showing their children. School's optional and they're saying to their parents, oh, so and so doesn't go. Or, I think even worse with, we've been really, really lucky to get these specialist places at schools for our children, and I realize now reflecting, I've been very open about discussing these schools and what options my children are going to have.

For example, GCSEs can be taken, but they don't have to be taken on a certain date. That timeline is flexible and I remember just telling a friend [00:08:00] this and.

She was feeling it was very unfair for her child who was in a mainstream school, and that hadn't crossed my mind I was just so thrilled to have this and to be able to get my child back into education. But not everyone is gonna be happy for you.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. It's that other side of the coin, isn't it?

I suppose that you don't really Consider,

Victoria Bennion: Yeah. It was that experience that actually caused me to reflect a little bit on the journey and think about it from my friend's point of view , I'm probably not the person that I used to be.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. I think with our friendship group many of them don't have children actually, so it kind of uncomplicates things a bit.

But they are very understanding, so they know we mostly need to meet outside if we're gonna meet up, because that's how the children cope best. And we are probably gonna be late. They might get a text in the morning saying, I'm so sorry, we're gonna be half an hour late. And then be [00:09:00] sad that they're always really accommodating.

Victoria Bennion: It can be when it's people that you've known for a long time, it can be really hard for them to process

It is how you manage those friendships, isn't it? Going forward, do you decide that it would be better off to not see these people? Yeah. Or. Do you just have to be careful about what you talk about and maybe not be so open. I was listening to a podcast the other day, Denise Duffield Thomas, a business podcast actually, and she was talking about at Christmas when you mixing with family relatives.

This just goes for any situation when awkward conversations can come up, something that you don't want to talk about. And you might have a relative who's really prying and like, oh, how's everything going with your business? Or how's that relationship? That boyfriend, oh, did you split up? Why did you split up?

You know, things that you don't wanna. Answer things that are personal and she has the line. Great, thank you. Would you like some bean dip and just about deflecting? I I dunno what bean dip [00:10:00] is, but I like the concept of it and I feel like, uh, that's definitely something going forward that I'm going to be more aware of who I talk to about what, people are gonna have different viewpoints and it's if you want to still mix with those people, still see those people. It's perhaps, I'm not gonna share everything.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.

Victoria Bennion: But also I feel like I've made so many new friends as well who are parents of neurodivergent children who really do understand, and it makes you value the time that you have with these people and the lack of judgment. And I feel like my circle has increased so much with these lovely understanding people and.

So that's been a real benefit as well.

Natalie Tealdi: , It's quite a life change as well. Certainly from my point of view, I've had to redesign my working life since my son struggled so much. I gave up [00:11:00] my job and I, I've started working from home and flexibly and everything revolves around him.

And what he needs. And I think that can have an impact on friendships and the way people see you as well.

Victoria Bennion: Yeah,

Natalie Tealdi: It's a bit of a loss of identity and then sort of slowly building a new one, I think.

In the early days when people didn't really understand, I think we were seen as like, we weren't being disciplined enough or laying the law, you know, giving enough boundaries.

Victoria Bennion: You probably do have to question if there's a lot of judgment that is chipping away at the connection, how valuable is this friendship? How is this a good friendship for you? So I think that is something that you need to bear in mind.

Natalie Tealdi: I think it's something that I'm quite wary of anyways, surrounding myself with quite positive and uplifting people because this is quite a journey that we're on.

Victoria Bennion: No. Our lives are challenging enough and we have to give a lot of support on a daily basis. And as you said, the children are the priority and what [00:12:00] they need and fitting things around that, so you just actually end up not having space for the people that don't get it or are more inclined to be judgy.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.

Victoria Bennion: If this conversation resonated with you, please remember that you are not alone. Many parents find that their friendships and social circles change as they navigate this journey, and while that can sometimes feel difficult, it can also lead to deeper more understanding connections.

Take care of yourselves and remember, you're doing an incredible job.