That Peter Crouch Podcast

Making a return to the Samrat, Peter, Chris and Tom host the inaugural Shysters celebrating the best acts of ‘housery’ nominated by the listeners. There’s a very special guest to kick things off, Clive Tyldesley is your MC for the evening and Chris has pulled out all the stops when it comes to the entertainment. There’s ten awards, some chat from the toilet and the Laouts are flowing on what is a fitting end to the series.

Peter, Chris and Tom lay out their plans for the SHYSTERS awards ceremony and go through the best listener messages for the final time this series.Ryan Shawcross, anti-doping officials and David Blaine all feature and there’s an update on something that had gone quiet, until now.

West Ham legend Mark Noble joins Peter, Chris and Tom to discuss Eggy Boff, playing under David Moyes and the Premier League Captains’ WhatsApp group. The boys discuss West Ham’s ‘Parched’ and there’s an important statement regarding the end of series awards.

Peter, Chris and Tom get together to plan the inaugural SHAFTAs which will take them back to the Samrat and aims to celebrate ingenious acts of skulduggery in all walks of life. They name their categories, go through a few more nominations and lay out plans for the entertainment and ceremony itself.

Leeds' Patrick Bamford joins the pod as the first guest since Crouchy and the boys visited Kensington Palace. Chris and Tom try to work out how they’d cope working with Marcelo Bielsa and Patrick helps the boys to launch the big series finale.

After reaching uncharted territory this series it’s time to reset. Crouchy and the boys want to devote this episode to best contributions from the listeners. You’ll learn about footballers’ favourite game that nobody knew about, how Fridays become sacred for players and a strange 30 seconds in Pete’s living room.

Crouchy shines a light on the more unfashionable roles at a Premier League football club including the press officer, the physio and the assistant manager. Chris makes a huge pledge to Peter, and Tom suggests an old Stoke team-mate to take up a role that nobody knew needed filling until this podcast was recorded.

Crouchy tells us what really happens when an entire football team pitches up at a hotel. From issues with wi-fi, strict managers banning things from the kitchen and players who crash weddings, here’s your guide to staying in hotels as if you’re a professional footballer. Chris and Tom discuss more Dragons Den ideas and Peter thinks we’ve found ‘the one’.

Deemed by some as an ‘ugly’ way to score a goal, it’s our job to highlight the beauty of a set-piece. Crouchy describes how much work goes into them, the different roles everyone plays and how best to exploit them. Chris updates us on more Dragons debating the best player in the world and Tom has a plan for the ‘Crouch Olympics’

This is the episode where Crouchy hopes to persuade Tom, Chris and everyone listening that playing up front is the most difficult position to play.The long-awaited billboard is finally in position - though not without a few issues - plus the boys analyse more potential money-spinning ideas from listeners.

There are rivalries everywhere in football; local derbies, competition for places and battles between managers all contribute to the game’s biggest rivalries. Crouchy discusses why strikers all legitimately hate each other and what it is like playing in a game where two huge rivals are on the pitch. The boys also hear from the Dragon’s Den about some business opportunities.

Peter Crouch details how stats and analysis have become ingrained in football, which results in players taking a huge interest in how their data is interpreted. The boys analyse some of Crouchy’s own stats including the controversial XG or ‘expected goals’ and we get more details on the pod’s new billboard which is designed and produced by Crouchy himself.

Crouchy and the boys discuss the key players in a footballer’s entourage. From mates on the payroll to family members helping out, you’ll hear about it all. Plus the vital role of a ‘Player Liaison Officer’ is finally given the credit it deserves. What would footballers do without them?

Crouchy describes what a young player goes through in order to make it to the top, how David Ginola helped out and why garage tunes were so important.The boys set themselves a new implausible challenge and want some help submitting architect drawings to Mike Ashley.

The boys are back with their fifth series of the pod and take the opportunity to catch up after six months apart. Crouchy had his 40th birthday, so there's discussion about how a footballer should celebrate such a milestone and the boys try to work out when Peter was at 'Peak Crouch'. After completing the 4th and 5th Round FA Cup draws, Crouchy reveals what really goes on behind the scenes and makes clear his ambition to progress to higher profile draws. Gianni Infantino, are you listening?Fiona Bruce is on the pod to help kick start the new series and poses one of the toughest questions Crouchy has ever faced, plus there's a new pod slogan to help with the nation's future return to the pub.

It's been a long time coming but the boys are back (stronger) with an announcement about Series 5 and Crouchy promises to bring a bit of 'sunshine' into everyone's life.

In a scenario almost impossible to imagine at the inception of this podcast, the boys head to Kensington Palace to eat Samrat samosas with the Duke of Cambridge. Slightly overawed and in inappropriate clothing, they hear from the future king of the realm about his love of Aston Villa, whether he could get the England manager sacked and if he would consider Crouchy for his six-a-side team. In return he offers beer, decent whisky and a special delivery from a podcast favourite.

A week before the pub finale, this update from Crouchy may not give you confidence that he can deliver - but have we ever let you down before?

Can the boys get back in the pub? Should doors be abandoned? And should Crouchy invest in a moat? Plus find out if we have found the nation's youngest Ian.

Crouchy's former England teammate Theo Walcott joins the pod. Hear about why a camcorder played such a big role in his first World Cup squad and why he had to turn down a role in a Harry Potter film.

Among the perils of working from home, Crouchy reveals why Wayne Rooney went in goal for David Beckham, his escapades during a Swedish summer and there's news of a Bango in Angola

Crouchy's old gaffer reveals how he signed Peter for Burnley whilst at a festival, discusses the time he gave Danny Dyer a team-talk and the boys attempt to make up a new name.

Louis Theroux & Liam Gallagher help the boys return from their mid-season break. There's discussion on American swingers, rock 'n roll athletes and a Premier League manager's XI. Crouchy launches a campaign to save the name 'Ian', reveals why 'Iains' are 'no good' and there's a vital clue as the boys push to get Banksy involved in the pod.

Many thought it could never be done, but all of Crouchy's hard work during the break has paid off. The Roy Keane gallery is now a reality. The boys take stock of their achievement and wonder whether the art world will ever be the same again.

Tony Pulis joins the pod to chat the reason behind the cap and how he discovered Rory Delap’s long throw. Plus the plans for the Roy Keane gallery take the next step.

Crouchy is adamant football doesn't need the concept of a 'pre-assist', the boys discuss their dumping technique and Will Hughes ensures the return of Fabio Capello to the pod.

Crouchy's former gaffer joins the boys to become the first manager on the pod. They chat Harry's hobbies, signing Tony Pulis and his dream to buy a football club.

We know Crouchy takes the art of scoring goals very seriously but what happens when the 'Faceless men' try and take them off you? Plus there's more Roy Keane gallery entrants.

'Robbo' becomes the first outfield player on the pod. There's tales about his first job at M&S, the fastest player in the Premier League and his battles with Lionel Messi.

Susie Dent and Annie Mac are helping the boys work from home for another pod where they discuss football's top five 'hackers', more linguistic dilemmas and Big Sam's sofa.

The Watford 'keeper details how he went from Cafe Rouge to Manchester United. There's chat about Tony Pulis, Fabio Capello and the moment you know your United career is over.

There's another shirt from Crouchy's collection plus Theo Walcott’s first World Cup, Gary Neville’s Liverpool builders, how Fabio Capello is helping train the new dog and a linguistic conundrum.

Kasper Schmeichel tells Crouchy which 'keeper never dived in training, reveals the Pod's first foreign 'Parched' and the surprises lurking behind Nigel Pearson's tough exterior.

It's the sort of pod where anything goes and the topics up for discussion include germ beards, dogs, bumping into Nicklas Bendtner and learning how to mark the 'mid-goal space'.

Crouchy continues his referee rehabilitation and invites Premier League official Andre 'Dre' Marriner onto the pod. There's a new game inspired by poetry and a challenge for the listeners.

As the boys settle into a new series and life in lockdown, Crouchy tackles your questions on ketchup and Brazilian/Fat* Ronaldo. There's a promise made about not cutting hair plus a revelation about the contents of your fridge. *delete as appropriate

The boys are #BackStronger with plans for a new series of the pod and as soon as Crouchy is able to work his laptop, there will be plenty of surprises in series four.

The long awaited reveal of 'Parched' is upon us. Chris Stark has help from Rio Ferdinand, Sean Dyche, Lucy Benjamin, Loyd Grossman and many more as the identity of ‘Parched’ is finally revealed. After months of the nation guessing which Premier League footballer it could be, now everyone can be let in on football's best kept secret.

It's a strange time as the boys hook up for a podcast and a virtual beer. There's plenty to catch up on though; what is scampi? Who is Parched? And why are Radio 4 listening in?

Some trophies are beautiful. Others are not. Why? Crouchy, Tom and Chris throw out theories and in the process stumble onto some dark secrets involving scampi, force-fed geese and Wilson Palacios. Meanwhile Crouchy tells us about the real Steven Gerrard, Tom tells us about the time he babysat the League Cup and Chris tells us why Ben Foster is better than everyone else realises.

Who better to talk to about headers than the man who has the Guinness World Record for the most headed goals in Premier League history? Except maybe that isn’t a world record, and maybe everything we knew about headers was wrong, and all our assumptions about Cristiano Ronaldo are wrong too, as well as our protocols on when to wink and when not to wink, and what it means to only be invited to the evening part of a wedding. It’s that sort of episode.

Who pinged what off Harry Kewell’s helmet? Why are Crouchy, Nwankwo Kanu and a herd of feeding elephants forever linked? Who is friendliest out of Fiona Bruce, Bruno Martins Indi and Tony Insurance? Somehow all these mysteries and more are solved in an episode loosely based around team bonding.

In a coup for the pod, a fourth chair is added to the circle for the first time and filled by none other than the king of referees, Mr Mike Dean. Collective minds and preconceptions are blown away as Mike reveals what the men in black wear to their Xmas fancy dress party, what really happens on Ref Camp and how many chickens he would have to see off per day in his old day job. Meanwhile Crouchy goes on an unexpected emotional journey that leaves him a changed man.

A quick update on what the boys have been up to during their week away from the pod, with promises of exciting things to come and a vow to come #BackStronger.

What noise is it acceptable to make when being injured? Should you really laugh when an official goes down? And is it worse for a gentleman to be winded or hit in the unmentionables? The boys answer these seismic questions and more while designing the first Robot Ref and discovering an extraordinary new facet to the complex character of Wayne Rooney.

Is voicemail as a concept dead? Are Christmas cards actually an insult? Is launching fireworks out of an orifice ever acceptable? Somehow the boys manage a revelatory discussion on the role and tricks of football agents while also answering these and other unexpected questions.

The art of tackling is one celebrated on these shores more than anywhere else, so how do Premier League stars perfect it? The boys analyse Crouchy’s ‘red mist’, discuss whether Paul Scholes deserved his reputation for bad tackling and the ‘Great Shinpad Debate’ rears its head again. There’s a tale involving rubber gloves, a mouse and some curtains plus speculation about Arsene Wenger in a Blackburn bush.

Diving into the murky infinity pool that is footballers and their holidays, the boys make a remarkable discovery about Crouchy’s linguistic skills before uncovering unsettling rumours about David Moyes, Neil Diamond and Louis Saha’s penchant for mixed doubles. An extraordinary woman pulls off an extraordinary trick and a chance dip into Crouchy’s phone contacts reveals more than could possibly be expected.

What makes a great leader of a sporting team? As they attempt to find the answers, the boys stumble into a world of punitive fines, tedious logistics and general outsourcing to Gary Neville. There are surprise appearances from football’s own Dre and a mysterious brown-noser known only as Parched, while the unveiling of a new pod-listeners’ standardised greeting raises significant logistical concerns.

Delighted to be #backstronger, the boys gather to chew over Crouchy’s retirement from actual football, and discover his secret fish-buying obsession as well as the true meaning of a Double-Dyche. Meanwhile a discussion on the meaning of smell gets dangerously out of hand, while Peter makes a rash promise involving Andy Murray’s knighthood. It's all the insight you've been missing, but with a lighter flavour.