Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Bonnie Harris, the bestselling author of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids, reveals why your kids make you so mad sometimes. In this episode, she breaks down her incredible system to stop yelling at kids and start connecting with them instead.Full show notesIt’s a normal Saturday night in your house, and you and your teenager are getting along just fine. All of a sudden, they ask if they can go to a party, and seem very insistent You don’t know who’s going to be there, where the party will be, or what people will be doing. Naturally, you say no. Frustrated by this and emotional, your teenager retaliates, knowing just what to say to push your buttons. You get mad and yell, and both of you leave the conversation feeling worse than when you started.This cycle is hard to break. It’s not easy to figure out how to stop yelling at kids. As a parent, you want to protect your child and make sure they stay on the right path, and sometimes it feels like there’s no other way to ensure their well being other than to yell at them! On the other hand, your teenager wants freedom, and when you won’t yield to their demands they know just how to frustrate you. Even though they know that their tactics will only lead to more fighting, they antagonize you anyway.Fortunately, our guest today has some answers for you. She’s here to help you learn how to stop yelling at kids and implement more positive solutions. Her name is Bonnie Harris, and she’s the author of When Kids Push your Buttons and What You Can Do About It. On top of being a mother herself, Bonnie has given talks all over the world and is constantly running workshops for parents. These workshops focus on how to become better at diffusing tension between you and your teen and how to stop yelling at kids.It was in one of these workshops that Bonnie began to notice this destructive cycle of yelling among her clients. She realized that this was a very common problem among teenagers and parents, and started to look at her interactions with her own teenager to try and figure out how to stop yelling at kids.Teenage EmotionsAfter examining her teenager’s behavior during arguments, she noticed that her kid was not only miserable by the end of a dispute, but often seemed to go in already feeling upset. Bonnie clarifies that this is because they’re feeling other emotions that they don’t know how to process, which they then channel into this argumentative behavior.It’s like an iceberg, Bonnie explains. When we see an iceberg above water, we only see about 10%. The other 90% lies under the water, invisible from the surface. The angry words that you hear from your child are just what you see. The rest is below, not expressed.If you want to know how to stop yelling at kids, you must explore their unexpressed feelings. These often include loneliness, jealousy, or sadness, and this button pushing occurs as a result of these feelings emerging without control. If something about your behavior triggers them, then they are likely to take these emotions out on you. For example, they may blow up when they can’t attend a party because they have been feeling lonely or isolated at school and they feel that this party is going to help them fit in. They’re not just trying to piss you off. They’re trying to solve their own problems, but they don’t know how.You’re not going to know how to stop yelling at kids if you don’t find out what’s really going on with your teenager. You’ll simply make assumptions and judgements that are not productive. Bonnie explains that when our teenagers piss us off, we assume it’s because they want to make us mad, want to disrespect us, want to ruin our days. We assume that they are making us angry for the sake of making us angry. Then we fall into a cycle of yelling and retaliation when really, you and your child are on the same team. If we put these assumptions aside, we can see that our teens are just trying to blow off steam, but are using an unhealthy outlet.To figure out how to stop yelling at kids and create a deeper connection between you and your teen (instead of a greater divide), ask them about their behavior. When it comes to a party you know nothing about, ask them why they want to go to this party so badly. Instead of saying no outright, or allowing the discussion to escalate, listen closely and pay attention. Making an effort to actually learn what’s going on with your teenager is the best method for how to stop yelling at kids. If you learn the true root of their behavior, you’ll actually be able to help them feel better instead of hurting them and perpetuating a destructive yelling habit.Different AgendasPart of the problem is not that your teenager is out to aggravate you, but instead that you and your teenager have different agendas. When you’re trying to get to work on time and need them to get in the car, they’re trying to make sure their mascara looks just right so they can impress a boy at school. While it may

Jane Nelsen, the author of the Positive Discipline books and founder of the positive discipline movement reveals some positive parenting strategies for rebellious and defiant teenagers. Get your teen under control without punishing and lecturing them with these great tips.Full show notesBeing a parent is busy work.The amount of household and childcare responsibilities placed on top of a 40 hour work week can seem monstrously overwhelming. You’re doing so much! It’s no wonder that when your kids neglect to do their homework, you might feel like exploding. They had one job!Obviously, these emotional explosions aren’t healthy for you or your kids. Even if you feel like you can keep your emotions in check, how often do you find yourself lecturing away at your children? I mean, how else are they going to get the message that their homework is important, and they can’t be playing video games all day?Thankfully, there are ways to take this business and channel it towards some positive parenting techniques that will benefit you and your children. Not just one or two proven techniques, but a whole world of them! With a simple shift in mindset, you can use the collective creativity of your entire family to come up with an endless stream of ideas for getting chores done.To help provide some tried and tested wisdom on positive parenting techniques, I spoke with the mother of 7, grandmother of 22, and great-grandma of 13, Jane Nelsen!Jane is an educational psychologist famous for her Positive Discipline books and seminars. She teaches positive parenting techniques for managing children without resorting to punishments, threats, or other negative tactics (such as the old fashioned “timeout”). Her knowledge is very well received across the country, and she’s even appeared on Oprah! I was so excited to get time with her and ask her about these positive parenting techniques.Being Busy is a BlessingBeing busy as a parent can be a positive thing. Jane tells parents that having work is a blessing because you can get your children involved in helping out around the house.She jokes that when she was raised, her parents didn’t even drive her to school. She walked to school even when she was five! (We won’t say how long ago that was.) The point she makes is that when she was growing up, she and her friends found freedom outside of their homes because at home they were expected to do the chores. The kids were expected to help out on the farm.Today, it seems flipped to where the parents are expected to do the chores and the kids are just expected to do homework. But these are not positive parenting techniques! Jane says she sees children today having very little freedom outside the home, and inside the home they are being micromanaged. Instead of telling kids how to help out around the house, Jane more often sees parents lecturing their children over every aspect of their homework.What’s the point of this lecturing and micromanagement? This leads us to one of Jane’s key things regarding positive parenting techniques.Belonging and SignificanceOne of the key parts of practicing positive parenting techniques is understanding why we do what we do. So why would we give our children more responsibilities? If they won’t even do their homework, who’s to say they’ll do other chores we assign them?Jane says that the reason behind all positive parenting techniques is that children need to feel belonging, and they need to feel significant. She says that belonging is easy, and comes down to kids feeling unconditional love from parents. Significance, on the other hand, is different.Significance does not mean giving your kids more love, but more responsibility.It’s easy to think that you can make your child feel significant by pampering them and lessening their responsibility. But Jane says that children need to feel capable, especially when it comes to serving their home, their school, and their greater community. By giving kids more responsibility, you are helping them develop long range life skills to be happy, successful people.So, busy parents, don’t feel guilty that you’re working a lot outside the home. See it as an opportunity to increase your children’s significance in the home! It’s not child labor to have them take the trash out and clean the dishes. Children need those responsibilities to learn that they as humans are necessary members of a functioning family.Giving your children more responsibility might sound like a tense conversation to have. This is where Jane’s positive parenting techniques become next level! Here’s one step you can take to make these conversations super creative and fun for your kids.Family MeetingsFamily meetings are great for establishing positive parenting techniques. It’s important to get your kids involved in them, especially when it comes to family problem solving.Jane strongly suggests having weekly family meetings to get your children engaged in the process of maintaining the house. She says to get them i

Brandon Mull, author of 15 New York Times Bestsellers, discusses what makes good teen fiction books. He also shares what he's learned about how to get teens reading for fun while giving thousands of free lectures in schools around the country.Full show notesWhen we read a book, we allow ourselves and our minds to go on a unique journey. We give ourselves the ability to experience perspectives we’ve never known or thought about before. We form attachments to people and places beyond the scope of our understanding. Overall, we learn more about ourselves and the world just by sitting down and cracking open a paperback.That’s why helping kids learn to love reading is important. Finding Good teen fiction books to read provides them a chance to expand their imaginations and views without even leaving their homes! Additionally, reading is a great tool to develop creative thinking, literary skills, and focus among young people.However, in our modern world saturated with visual media, it’s challenging to find good teen fiction books to read. Society doesn’t really encourage teens to explore the written word anymore. Young people are much more likely to spend time on Tik Tok, Youtube and Netflix than browsing the shelves at the library or eBook store. How can we convince them to take the time to enjoy a good novel when there’s millions of hours of content available to stream at any moment?Our guest today, Brandon Mull, is here to talk about how we can get kids reading again. He’s written fifteen--that’s right, fifteen--New York Times bestselling books, and many are suggested books for teens. His most popular book series, Fablehaven, has sold millions and millions of copies all over the world. Also, he’s made it his purpose to teach young people about the value of reading, by touring schools for four months out of every year to hold free assemblies.“Tipping Point” BooksBrandon talks about how when he was young, he had a big imagination, but didn’t always know what to do with it. He never really liked to read, until he discovered The Chronicles of Narnia. The fantastical world and vivid characters captured his interest, and he was hooked. From then on, reading became his favorite activity, until he decided to pick up the pen and go at it himself.Brandon stresses the idea of a sort of “tipping point” book that can turn kids into readers. Although teens might not really seem to enjoy reading, they may not have found a book that really appeals to them. Finding good teen fiction books to read that excite and invigorate them can take them from being entirely disinterested in reading to seeing some merit in it. This could lead them to pick up another book, and another after that. They might even fall in love with the written word and become avid readers!Although Narnia was the tipping point for Brandon, it’s important to understand that every kid is different and they won’t all enjoy reading the same suggested books for teens. Brandon is a fantasy writer, and he celebrates the ability of fantasy to connect to lots of readers. That’s because fantasy is exciting and captures the imagination, he says, but also because of the mainstream success of franchises like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. If a kid is interested in planes, animals, or dinosaurs, however, they might not find fantasy appealing at all!As a parent, if we can take the time to learn exactly what it is that our kids are passionate about, we can help them find good teen fiction books to read that’ll develop an interest in reading that lasts a lifetime.Reading Keeps Imagination AliveFinding good teen fiction books to read can help kids form lifelong relationships with their imaginations. They’ll be happier and more well rounded individuals that continue into adult life with a sense of creativity. One problem Brandon really tries to combat in his work is the loss of time for imagination and creativity as people get older. Our lives become busy and our priorities change, making it difficult for us to make time for things we used to enjoy.For example, when Brandon visits a school, he usually asks kids if they enjoy creative activities like drawing. Among late elementary school students, almost 80% will say they enjoy these activities. When he asks high school students, only about 10% respond saying they still partake.We want our kids to grow up and become innovators, entrepreneurs, and game changers. Getting kids to read a wide variety of suggested books for teens allows them to explore their imagination and creativity. They’ll grow up to be people who dream big and see the world in a unique way. If not, they’ll never find ways to challenge the norm, to think outside of the box.As Brandon says, when we read, we generate brilliant interpretations of the written word. He explains that you often read a book, imagine it in your head, and then find the movie adaptation to be disappointing. This means that you have the power to create stories in your head that are more e

Ulrich Boser, author of "Learn Better" and "The Leap", discusses the latest research on the science of learning strategies and reveals how you can help your teen to adopt proven study techniques for accelerating academic performance with less effort.Full show notesWhen a teenager is constantly getting bad grades or failing to grasp course material, it’s hard to watch as a parent. It’s difficult to see them struggle to learn as well or as fast as their peers. We especially don’t want our kids to fall behind or get discouraged. Poor learning skills in the teen years can negatively impact grades, but failing to improve those skills can lead to greater disadvantages further into adulthood. This is why learning strategies for teens are so important! We want our kids to be happy, well-adjusted members of society, not those struggling to keep up.Luckily, there are tried and true learning strategies for teens that can guide our kids towards being more effective learners. Our guest today is Ulrich Boser, the author of the book Learn Better: Mastering the Skills for Success in Life, Business, and School, Or, How to Become an Expert in Just About Anything. In the episode, Ulrich shines light on common misconceptions most people have about learning and several great learning strategies for teens we can use today.Ulrich writes from the heart, as the inspiration for the book came from his own childhood. He struggled a lot in school, as he needed to repeat kindergarten and was placed into special education classes. Due to his difficulty keeping up with class, he always assumed he was going to be less successful than the classmates who excelled beyond him. However, as he began thinking critically about the process of learning itself, he discovered how he could become much more capable of retaining knowledge. He took his ideas about learning strategies for teens and put them into the book.Ulrich describes a serious problem we have in today’s education system. He says we tend to sort people into two categories: good learners and bad learners. We shouldn’t be doing this, however, as research shows that we all have pretty much the same learning abilities. Rather than labeling them as unintelligent, we should be providing individualized learning strategies for teens who struggle in school.One of the many learning strategies for teens that we discuss is the importance of physical learning. For example, we can greatly benefit from using hand motions to remember pieces of information. Although it may look peculiar, try helping your teen create a tapping motion that goes along with the information they are expected to memorize. Then, have them perform that same hand motion while being tested. This surprising technique can help them recall information much faster and with more accuracy.Quizzing is another one of the effective learning strategies for teens I loved hearing about during this interview! Quizzing means testing your teen on the material they are learning. This is already a popular technique, so it’s good to know that it’s actually helpful. In fact, Ulrich says it’s one of the most effective techniques you can use! Even better, says Ulrich, is having teens repeat ideas to themselves without notes. If you can recall the information at hand without any reference, you will be more successful in remembering it for the long term.Practicing new learning strategies doesn’t mean your teen isn’t smart already. Instead, it shows that they are dedicated to learning and adapting, even when things are challenging. Albert Einstein, one of the most brilliant men in history, struggled with basic tasks like tying his shoes and telling time. He had to learn certain strategies to adapt, and it was likely the development of those strategies that helped him become the brilliant innovator we all know. By researching and understanding learning strategies for teens, our kids can be just as brilliant as Einstein!When it comes to learning strategies for teens, it’s good for them to distribute their learning over long periods of time, as Ulrich notes. As we’ve been told over and over, cramming for tests doesn’t work. If they try to learn everything in one night, their brains will simply not retain the information very well. Instead, by spreading out their studying over long periods of time, they can give their learning a boost.Speaking of long term planning, Ulrich and I discuss how planning and goal setting can be helpful learning strategies for teens. This is especially true for teenagers in the modern day who have to juggle more than just school. Most teens are also involved in sports, extracurriculars, college applications, social media, complicated social circles, or a million other things. Ulrich speaks on the idea that if they’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed, teens simply don’t learn as well. By planning and setting specific deadlines for themselves, they can help section out their responsibilities so we’re not exhausted.Along with sharin

Chris Smith, bestselling author of The Conversion Code, reveals a step-by-step formula for how to get kids to listen to you and follow your rules. Learn how to deal with teenagers and use Pattern Interrupt statements. Getting kids to listen to you is easy when you know this.Full show notesDo you ever have trouble getting kids to listen to you and do what you ask? You’re not alone. Getting kids to listen is the most common problems parents have when they find this website.The problem is that teenagers stop listening to you because they want a good reason to do something besides “I’m your parent.” According to neuroscience, they want to know how doing their chores or studying hard can benefit them. The “I’m counting to three” method of parenting becomes completely useless unless you back it up with some extremely heavy consequences. But that just backfires and creates resentment from your teen.That’s why this week’s episode of the podcast is all about getting kids to listen to you and follow through with action. The secret to dealing with teenagers who don’t respect your authority?Sell them on you want them to doTo discover the secret to getting kids to listen, I spoke with Chris Smith and worked through a step-by-step plan that will teach you all about getting kids to listen. Chris is the bestselling author of The Conversion Code, and the Co-Founder of Curaytor, which is one of the fastest-growing companies in America. He’s an expert at selling products over the phone and he’s trained thousands of salespeople around the world how to adopt his pitch.In this episode, we go through an in-depth, step-by-step example of how to deal with teenagers who don’t want to clean their room. After tuning in, you’ll be able to use some of Chris’ actual word-for-word dialogue he’s used with his own daughter to taker her responsibilities seriously. But to use his method correctly, you’ll need to know how it works. According to Chris, getting kids to listen breaks down into a four-step strategy:Starting with a “Pattern Interrupt” StatementFinding Something Your Child WantsUsing the “Five Yes” TechniqueFollowing up with a “Feature-Benefit Tie-Down”You can apply these principles of getting kids to listen to any behavior you want your teen to start doing. According to Chris, the idea isn’t so much a script as it is a framework for productive conversations. You don’t want to command your teen, but rather get them to understand and eventually act from your perspective. While you’ll have to tune in to the whole podcast to hear the extent of Chris’ strategy, here’s just a peek into how it works:Establishing AuthorityThe first step of getting kids to listen is a bit sneaky. It’s a sales technique that Chris calls the Pattern Interrupt statement, which involves establishing authority early on in the conversation through small, innocuous commands. For example, you can start a conversation by saying, “I want to talk to you about something. Bring your phone with you to take some notes.” The small command of “bring your phone” puts your child’s mind on track to be more receptive to directives.The key to getting kids to listen by using Pattern Interruption is subtlety. You want to give your teen a small order to follow so it doesn’t seem burdensome, but you’re still opening your teen up to be more agreeable. Given a minor objective, like “Turn off the lights in your room before coming downstairs” or “Can you pull up your calendar,” your teen is prepped to collaborate without even knowing it.Chris also recommends starting with a Pattern Interrupt statement because it demonstrates that you are the authority in the conversation. You want to be able to set the tone of the conversation early on, and giving your teenager something to do is an innocuous way of getting kids to listen and letting them know that there’s more to come.Digging Deep to Find IncentivesGetting kids to listen is important if you want them to adopt your goals while also pursuing their own accomplishments. To do this, parents need to use a technique called Digging Deep. Digging deep means investigating the details of what your teen wants to do and using their reasoning to support your own goals. The idea is that if you’re going to help someone get what they want, you have to know what it is. To do this, Chris says you need to identify what your child cares most about so you can leverage their desire to meet your goals as a parent.Aside from getting kids to listen to you, your goal is to turn your kids into responsible adults who want their own rooms to be clean instead of reminding them to do their chores all the time. So, if you can dig deep and find reasons to take out the trash that benefit your teen, you can sell them on this idea of personal responsibility.Let’s say your teen wants to go to the movies but you want them to clean their room. How do you align the two goals? First, you need information about the event that you can use to build a link. Chris says that most pa

Annie Fox, an online adviser to thousands of teens and the author of 12 books including "Teaching Kids to be Good People", reveals the best ways to give teens advice when they need some guidance. Learn how to give teens advice they will actually listen to with these great tips from a true master.Full show notesWhy Your Teen Doesn’t Talk to YouWatching your kid become a teenager can be a very awkward and strange experience––their hormones have kicked in, they’ve grown a foot out of nowhere, they’re suddenly so moody. Their social groups are shifting and they’re spending less time with the family. And whether they want to talk to you about it or not, you probably notice their increased interest in boys, girls, or both. What would make this experience slightly less awkward is if they’d just talk to you about all the changes they are going through. But getting them to actually do this can be like pulling teeth.Regardless of whether your kid is going through good or bad times, as a parent you always want your advice for youngsters to be helpful and effective. But how will you get the chance to do this? For starters, teenagers don't ask for advice all that often. On one hand because it’s natural for teens to want to forge their own path and find solutions of their own. But on the other hand, you might just be driving them away. Though this is hard to admit, it’s extremely common with parents of teenagers. Maybe they don’t want advice from you because when they ask, you talk way too much. Or your advice isn’t age appropriate. Or because of the time when they asked “Should I break up with my girlfriend?” and you said “No” because of the amazing Christmas gift their girlfriend gave you last year.Parents need to make the most of these rare occurrences to offer advice for youngsters. If you’re wondering what to say when they finally ask for help, and how to get them to ask more often, you’re listening to the right podcast. On this week’s episode, I got some advice for youngsters from Annie Fox. She's the author of 12 books including Teaching Kids to Be Good People, The Girl's Q&A Book on Friendship, and the Middle School Confidential series. Annie has maintained an anonymous advice column for teenagers since the late 90’s where she’s answered thousands and thousands of online questions from teens all over the world. Needless to say, Annie’s a pro on giving advice for youngsters and has uncovered some amazing tactics that we discuss in this interview.Being the Cool MomWe start the podcast by talking about how Annie first began sharing advice for youngsters online. She tells the amazing story of how a dream she had brought her the idea to create one of the first online forums for teens. Annie was always the cool mom that her kid’s friends would go to with their problems. They felt comfortable around her––and from this interview you can see why. Annie is gifted at actively listening to people and making them feel understood. So when an opportunity presented itself to create a website where teens could anonymously ask questions and she could provide advice for youngsters, Annie had the foresight to see that this could turn into something big.The initial website that Annie developed, which was originally called The Insite, was a series of chat rooms where teens could talk to counselors who specialized in teen issues. Annie also served as an advice columnist of sorts; she had an alter ego named Terra that teens could send anonymous questions to. Though there was no marketing for the website prior to it’s launch, Annie was getting numerous questions sent to her everyday from the start. The website, now called Hey Terra!, still offers advice for youngsters today with the same mission as it had in the beginning: to help youth effectively manage their relationships and emotions so they can feel confident in who they are.Listen More, Talk LessPossibly the most shocking thing about Annie and her approach to advice for youngsters is this: she doesn't tell the teens what to do in her responses. This might be confusing to you as a parent because isn’t telling your teen what to do the whole point of giving advice? Not exactly. Most of the time, teens already know what the right thing to do deep down. They aren't looking for a lecture, just someone to listen to them and help them work out the best way to do what their heart is telling them.When providing advice for youngsters, your ultimate goal should be to teach your teens how to manage their own emotions. To do this, Annie encourages parents to put themselves into the mindstate of their teen. Really focus on empathizing with them in the specific situation that’s causing them pain. As an adult, it’s easy to dismiss teen drama and think that whatever they’re going through this week will be forgotten the next. While this may be true, the overflow of emotions that make up a teenagers brain chemistry is what’s actually causing them to react so dramatically. For as long as you’ll hav

Paul Smith is the author of three books: Parenting with a Story, Lead with a Story, and Sell with a Story. On this episode, he reveals how to tell teens stories that teach them important lessons about life. He also shares a few of his favorite parenting stories that you can steal and tell to your own kids.Full show notesNot Another Boring Story...“Let me tell you how I learned the value of a dollar.” Does this sound like the beginning of a riveting story? No! It sounds like a long, boring charade that your grandfather will go on about for 45 minutes while you pretend to listen. Hopefully you won’t have to remember specific details later because there’s no way you took anything away from this one-sided conversation. Why don’t people realize that their tedious recollections are not an effective way of teaching teens lessons using stories?Have you considered that your kid might feel this way every time you try teaching teens lessons using stories? Surely this isn’t the case, right? At least some stories from your youth you’ve told to your teen have left an impression on them. They have to know that you lived a full life before they were born and that there’s plenty of wisdom for you to pass on to them. But to be frank, it’s probably only the crazy stories — like the time you drove your mom’s station wagon through your neighbor’s yard — that they actually remember.Teaching teens lessons using stories can help them learn how to deal with the struggles that come with growing up — should they choose to listen. That being said, what’s the best way to tell stories that’ll have a lasting impression on them and not just be ignored? In this interview, we ask one of Ink Magazine’s “Top 100 Leadership Speakers of 2018.”Paul Smith is the author of three books on storytelling, Lead with a Story, Parenting with a Story, and most recently, Sell with a Story. He has interviewed hundreds of successful people all over the world and collected the most impactful stories from their lives. In this episode, Smith discusses how teaching teens lessons using stories can be achieved by sharing your experiences, as well as those passed on from friends and family, in a way that is impactful and interesting to your teen.Crafting the Perfect StoryBefore becoming an author, Smith spent much of his time listening to renowned leaders tell stories about how to inspire, motivate, or instruct others in the workplace. He closely studied the methods discussed in these stories, finding out what did and didn’t work. Smith then set out to write a book about how these stories can be used to teach leadership in the workplace. However, after interviewing hundreds of successful people all over the world, he realized that many of the findings he collected could also be used for teaching teens lessons using stories. That inspired him to write his second publication, Parenting with a Story.As a parent you might be racking your brain for stories that will be applicable to your teens life. Sure you’ve had a few wild experiences (and some you don’t ever want your kid to know) but for the most part, you might have a hard time teaching teens lessons using stories because you can’t seem to find any stories that will be interesting and relatable to them. Smith acknowledges that because their upbringing is a generation removed from their teen, many parents worry that their stories will come off as mundane or out of touch.Smith insists that teaching teens lessons using stories is all about drawing the right types of stories out of people. He found that oftentimes people don’t think of experiences they’ve had in their life as stories unless their brain connects it with a specific value or lesson they learned. Smith realized that he was able to find better stories when he asked people to tell him something interesting or surprising that’s happened to them. Smith recommends that parents think about how surprising things you’ve experienced ended up impacting your life in a bigger way than expected. For example, maybe when you met your spouse you initially thought they were pretentious and obnoxious. But somehow you came around to liking and eventually marrying them. Funny stories like this will make your kid laugh and can also teach them how first impressions aren’t always accurate.In this interview, Smith offers many other tips for teaching teens lessons using stories including how to structure your story in an intriguing way. He states that not all stories should be told chronologically because sometimes the most interesting part happens in the very beginning. Human brains are wired to remember things better when there's a surprise or twist at the end. Think about it, wouldn’t you enjoy a story more if you didn’t know what would happen next?Smith shares an anecdote he often uses for teaching teens lessons using stories. It’s about a young boy who, much to his mother’s frustration, spends all his time in the kitchen watching his kettle boil water and release steam. It’s

Dina Alexander, the president of Educate Empower Kids and the author of numerous parenting books, explains how to talk to teenagers about porn and sex, including how to start conversations, what to do if you find porn on your family computer, and what topics to cover with every teen.Full show notesIt might be every parent’s worst nightmare.You finally get some down time, and you want to resume watching the highlights to last night’s game, or your favorite sitcom rerun. You pull up the web browser on the shared, family iPad, and you see it. Right there in the search history. Unmistakable.“Naked ladies”The time has come, and there’s no way around it. You must now have “The Talk” with your kid. Tell all your friends to wish you luck.Talking to teens about sex is one of the most common reasons parents come to us looking for help. But why is this conversation so awkward? Sex is supposed to be a positive thing! You should be free to talk about it with your kid, but the fears are common and understandable.“What if I put an idea in their head and they begin experimenting on their own?”“What if they ask questions about my sex life I don’t want to answer?”“What if talking about it makes them too curious, and gets them in trouble?”These are valid and important questions, and you are not alone if you are asking them. So to help get some quality answers and learn some best practices when talking to teens about sex, I spoke with the amazing, Dina Alexander.Dina is the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids (EEK), and she has been teaching in various capacities for over 20 years. She created programs like How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and 30 Days of Sex Talks to help parents have positive, informed conversations about sex and pornography with their kids.The Dangers of SilenceDina founded EEK after reading an article about teenage porn consumption. The numbers in the article seemed too overwhelming to be true. But sure enough, when she did her own research to verify what she saw, she came to the following realization:“There is going to be no one left for my daughter to date who won’t have been highly influenced by, or addicted to, porn.”The scope of the sex industry is hard to fathom, but the dangers it produces for teenagers cannot be ignored. Porn does not teach a positive view of sex. Dina says that parents will have their own beliefs about defining positive sex. However you define positive sex, though, it’s unlikely that porn is accurately representing your beliefs.Porn teaches a dominant and submissive understanding of sex. As Dina puts it, porn shows teens extreme and unrealistic displays of sexual gymnastics. The problem is that teens don’t understand that what they’re seeing is unrealistic! They are not watching an intimate relationship when they watch porn!Talking to teens about sex is even scarier when you consider how sensitive a developing teenage brain is to visual imagery. During the teen years, the rapid growth of neural pathways latch on to visual media like TV shows, movies, and pornographic images. Heavy porn consumption normalizes the neural pathways that says “porn is how sex happens.” And the risk of your teen falling into heavy porn consumption without guidance is sadly high.Dina says that Pornhub’s statistics on total time spent watching porn on their site last year added up to about 500 CENTURIES!!!This is why talking to teens about sex is something Dina is so fired up to teach to parents. Let’s hear what she has to say:More Than Just One TalkFirst off, Dina says that the idea of “The Talk” just doesn’t work. It’s unfair to assume that you can have one conversation with your kids and they will suddenly understand all your values behind sex. Instead, Dina wants parents to realize that talking to teens about sex means regularly taking the time to normalize the topic of sex in your conversations.Dina’s programs suggest 30 days of talking to teens about sex in short segments. Depending on your values around sex and the context between you and your teen, you can go through these chats in any order. The idea is to normalize conversation about sex with your teen. If your teen can’t come to you with their questions about sex, then where else would they go for answers other than the phone in their pocket?Sure, they’ll have a class about it at school, and maybe your church will hold a “purity retreat,” but teens will always have more questions. Dina believes that the home should be the safest place for their questions. If parents aren’t talking to teens about sex, then it’s fair to assume that teens are getting their questions answered elsewhere.It’s About A RelationshipOdds are, your teenager is going to be exposed to pornography. Talking to teens about sex before this exposure gives you a chance to establish what healthy sex looks like. Having these talks can be scary, but Dina assures that there are a lot of preliminary talks you can have to set up the tougher topics.In most cases, the fi

Biz Ellis, the host of the "One Bad Mother", reveals how she found her inner badass as a parent and learned how to be cool again through her kids' eyes. She also points out a number of ways in which you are probably already doing a great job and should give yourself a pat on the back.Full show notesThe “Uncool” ParentTeens are really good at letting parents know how completely and utterly uncool we are at every chance they get. And if that’s not enough, the media does a great job at exaggerating our uncoolness. Pretty much all the characters we see in movies and TV, like Phil Dunphy on Modern Family and Amy Polar in Mean Girls, are stereotyped as out of touch with their teenagers and clueless about popular culture and modern technology. While these stereotypes are largely exaggerated, it’s not a stretch to say that most parents wouldn’t put coolness at the top of their skills list.As a parent it can be easy to feel beat down and exhausted when your teen scoffs at every out of date reference you make. But what your teen doesn’t realize is that unlike them, parents simply don’t have time to keep up with the latest trends. You’re the one picking them up and driving them from place to place, preparing their meals, keeping the house clean, making sure they stay on top of their homework — all while trying to have some sense of what’s going on in their social life. It can be near impossible to simultaneously figure out the ever-changing world of technology and listen to the music they think is cool. The list of requirements for maintaining coolness and mastering the art of parenting like a badass is something you don’t seem to have time for — there’s already an endless to-do list many parents have barely scratched the surface of.Maybe you’ve accepted that your teen is never going to think you’re cool. In the grand scheme of things, you know “coolness” is not so important, yet you’re sick of hearing, “You don’t know who [insert popular singer/actor here] is?” It’s like you and your teen speak a different language and unfortunately, they don’t sell teen-to-parent translators on Amazon yet.Somewhere in the process of raising kids, many parents have lost touch with their inner badass. Any speck of “badassery” you once had has been sacrificed for the sake of being a responsible parent. So how do you go about parenting like a badass and regaining the dignity you once had prior to having kids?This week’s podcast guest, Biz Ellis, has the answer. She is the co-host of popular podcast One Bad Mother and author of the book, You’re Doing a Great Job- 100 Ways You’re Winning at Parenting. Biz experienced a "parent identity crisis" when she realized that after becoming a mother, she no longer felt cool. After a process of self-discovery and finding inspiration in a t-shirt her husband made that said "One Bad Mother," she found her inner parenting badass. In this episode Biz tells her story and reveals insights into parenting like a badass, a skill she has mastered by hosting over 200 episodes of one of the most popular parenting podcasts on the planetFinding Your Inner BadassBefore having kids, Biz thought she had it all — she lived in Brooklyn, did sketch comedy, and went to clubs every weekend. She thought of herself as being pretty cool — until she went on maternity leave for her first child. Then, when people would ask what she did for a living, Biz would feel ashamed to say she was a stay-at-home mom. She felt that many of the labels or identities given to mothers––like Soccer Mom—were inherently uncool. She realized that maintaining the same coolness she once had was a lot less effortless than expected. Transitioning into parenting like a badass was going to take soul searching.Though Biz longed for the coolness she felt prior to motherhood, she soon realized that wanting to return to your “old self” is a toxic idea. It’s unrealistic to expect things like your pre-kid social life and pre-kid body to remain the same once you’ve had children. But instead of denying this and yearning for a time that you’ll never get back, Biz suggests focusing on all you’ve gained from becoming a parent. Everything you’ve sacrificed has paved the way for you to become a better, tougher, and wiser person with a beautiful child to show for it. For Biz, forgetting the past and moving forward was the first step to parenting like a badass.Biz reveals that the next hurdle to parenting like a badass is feeling like life is constantly passing you by. One day you’re teaching your baby to walk and before you know it, that baby is a teenager embarking on their first day of high school. As lame as it may be to your teens, it’s hard to keep composure when you think about the days when they needed your help to cross the street or tie their shoes. Now that they’ve grown up and become more independent they need you less and less—which is quite honestly the most devastating yet rewarding part of parenthood.Biz understands that parenting like a badass is eas

Robert J. Meyers, the author of "Getting Your Loved One Sober", explores strategies that parents can use to get teenagers to stop using drugs and alcohol. Instead of blaming and shaming teenagers, Meyers' research-based approach involves loving and accepting your teen.Full show notesWhen our teenagers develop bad habits, it can feel like they’re slipping out of our control. You might worry about your teen getting into trouble, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and doing something or don’t approve of. All of a sudden, you’re hearing them come home late at night, having no idea where they went or who they were with.It seems as though even if we beg, scream, and plead, kids won’t let up on potentially dangerous behavior. Repeatedly, we punish them, try strategies to prevent underage drinking, give ultimatums, and say that we don’t like what they’re doing—but none of it seems to work. It’s easy to get frustrated and confused when your child just won’t listen, won’t change, won’t accept help.That’s why we need a new method of addressing our teenager’s upsetting habits. Luckily, today’s episode is jam packed with information about better ways to talk to your teenager and strategies to prevent underage drinking. Today’s guest is Dr. Robert J. Meyers, author of Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening. His book shines light on effective techniques to help your loved ones develop healthy habits that go beyond simple scolding.Dr. Meyers has been working since 1976 on developing a set of principles known as CRAFT- Community Reinforcement Approach Family Therapy. CRAFT coaches individuals how to help their spouses, children, or friends who struggle with addiction accept treatment and make lasting progress.However, his ideas have applications far beyond helping those with serious addiction problems and it is so relevant for parents of teenagers, especially those looking for strategies to prevent underage drinking.CRAFT’s central components of positivity and encouragement and its practical methods for creating healthier individuals can help parents and teens everywhere. As CRAFT is a community-and-family-based approach, Dr. Meyers focuses on how a family member can help a troubled teenager in this insightful interview.It Starts With You, A ParentWhen it comes to strategies to prevent underage drinking, Dr. Meyers says it’s critical that parents don’t blame themselves for their child’s choices. Harboring negative thoughts about yourself as a parent or failing to come to terms with the situation are not good strategies to prevent underage drinking. In CRAFT, easing this pain and sadness is the first part of guiding a teenager to recovery. In this way, a parent who is struggling should heal themselves first so they have an easier time helping their teenager heal. It’s like what they say before flights, “In the event that we lose cabin pressure, put on your own oxygen mask before you help your children.”That’s why Dr. Meyers underscores the importance of focusing on your own happiness first! You don’t have to feel guilty about this, because it actually helps your child. By bringing more joy into your own life, you can help your teenager be more positive as well. CRAFT is all about positivity. It aims to escape the constant cycle of nagging, arguing, yelling and punishing that we sometimes fall into when we’re trying strategies to prevent underage drinkingSeeking AlternativesAccording to Dr. Meyers, one of the first steps is to help your teenager become less dependent on substances or other addictive things is to figure out the root of the problem. He suggests starting by mapping out your child’s concerning practices, and finding the source of their troubling behavior. That’s why CRAFT focuses largely on mental health. If we can help teenagers live happier lifestyles, we can stop them from engaging in risky antics and find strategies to prevent underage drinking.Surprisingly, for a lot of American teenagers, a common cause of substance abuse or risky behavioral tendencies is more commonplace than you might imagine:BoredomIn order to find strategies to prevent underage drinking, Meyers urges parents to find alternatives to their teen’s risky behaviors. The idea is to put negative emotions to rest by helping teens finding something other than substances to make them feel good. This includes anything besides drugs, alcohol, or whatever other dangerous behavior they’ve been indulging in. It could be painting, playing outdoors, or gaming with friends, as long as it is something they can naturally enjoy in moderation.Meyers says we can start by doing research, finding a list of activities and things to do locally. Write them down, and go over them with your child. Then, help your teenager acquire the means to do that activity, whether it’s getting them the funds or the transportation.If we can help them get invested in activities aside from drugs and find new passions, we can help them get on the

Sean Grover, author of "When Kids Call the Shots", discusses the hidden psychology that leads teenagers to bully their parents and reals simple strategies you can use to regain control from your teenager if you find yourself getting bullied. Sean has identified three main reasons parents get bullied.Full show notesTeen Guilt TripsEver completely forgotten something that you promised your teen you’d be there for? Maybe you were so busy at work that your kid’s soccer game totally slipped your mind. When you finally get a call from your kid, or realize out of the blue that, “Wait a minute, I’m supposed to be somewhere else right now!” you’ve already missed the whole thing entirely and feel awful. You’ve taught your kid to be accountable and to always follow through when they say they’re going to do something, yet how can you expect this from them if you can’t even do it yourself?It’s possible that your teen will be forgiving and say that it’s not a big deal—but probably not. If you’re dealing with a dramatic, hormonal teenager there’ll probably be some level of guilt and frustration placed on you. Aren’t teenagers supposed to be the irresponsible ones, not adults? Aren’t you always supposed to be there for them no matter what? In the moment, you might be willing to do anything to make it up to your teen—giving them a boost in their allowance, letting them have a later curfew, buying them a new phone. Sometimes bribery can be the easiest road to forgiveness. But maybe not the wisest.Feeling overwhelmed by guilt can cause you to give up your control. Furthermore, allowing your teen to make you feel inferior because of a mistake you’ve made can enable your teen to bully you. If you’re looking for the best way to deal with bullies, this episode is for you.This week on the podcast, we speak with Sean Grover to discuss the best way to deal with bullies who victimize their parents. He is the author of the award-winning book When Kids Call the Shots: How to Seize Control from Your Darling Bully and Enjoy Being a Parent Again. Sean holds workshops around the country and works privately with parents and teens to determine the best way to deal with bullies in whatever form they present themselves. He has mapped out the most common types of bullying that occur in families and has developed specific strategies for exactly how to get your teenager back under control.Why your Teen is Bullying YouSean states that to teens, bullying is not about being mean. Your teenager is bullying you in order to manipulate you and get what they want. He or she has realized that they can get things out of you by making you feel bad about yourself.Sean recounts a teen he worked with who was torturing his mom because she missed his piano recital. When Sean suggested the boy let his mom off the hook, he replied, "If I keep this up, I think I can get a new laptop." Before accusing your teen of being malicious for actions like this, think of where this reaction is coming from. In order to find the best way to deal with bullies, you must first reflect on what you’ve done to promote or enable this kind of behavior.Guilty, Anxious, and Do Everything Parent TypesIn his book, Sean discusses the best way to deal with bullies and three types of parents who often fall victim to such behavior: the Guilty Parent, the Anxious Parent, and the Fix Everything Parent.Problem:Guilty Parents blame themselves for their teen’s problems and try to fix them themselves. Their own insecurities often lead them to compare themselves to other parents and try too hard to make their kids happy. This often stems from bad experiences they had in childhood, such as parents who were abusive or too hard on them. Children can pick up on what is specifically making them feel guilty and take advantage of that to get what they want. If the Guilty Parent sees giving rules to their teen as a type of punishment this can worsen their guilt.Solution:For this type of parent, the best way to deal with bullies is to first identify what made you feel this way in the first place. You may view yourself as inadequate and therefore don’t have the confidence to stand up to your kid out of fear that they won’t like you for it. Sean states that these types of parents need to realize that teens need boundaries and it’s in their best interest to give that to them.Problem:Anxious Parents always see opportunities for failure and want to prevent it at all costs. These parents often rob their kids of discovering new things because they fear the unknown. Teens in this situation may feel that their parent isn’t giving them any freedom and as a result reflects rebellious or angry behavior back.Solution:The best way to deal with bullies in this situation, Sean explains, is to create a culture of talking through things before they happen. You can’t prevent all bad things from happening to your teen so it’s best to make sure they’re prepared. Anxious Parents must have conversations with their teen, asking them

David Allen, the author of "Getting Things Done", one of the best-selling business books of all time, explains how to get teens excited and motivated about their goals and productive as they pursue those goals. If you have a "lazy" teenager, you won't want to miss this one.Full show notesIf your child isn’t living up to their full potential because they waste too much time on distractions, just imagine how much harder life will be when they have to manage adult responsibilities! Teens today must content with YouTube, Facebook, and other social media platforms that constantly vie for their attention. Activities like sports practice, club meetings, school applications, study time, and more can really add up. Fortunately, though, having a busy schedule prevent you from dealing with lazy teenagers if your teens learn how to manage their schedules effectively.Teens with an abundance of hobbies and responsibilities have more opportunities to explore their interests. However, it can be difficult to distinguish distractions from tasks that are worth pursuing. When teens get confused by this distinction, they may neglect their responsibilities and are often written off as being immature or lazy. And stress and distress for teenagers is on the rise, which can take away their motivation to complete even basic tasks.Without the right approach to balancing their workload, kids become easily overwhelmed in their developmental years and leave their parents dealing with lazy teenagers. First, they start staying up late at night doing work and might skip a few homework assignments to get some sleep. But poor time-management practices can easily snowball into a reoccurring bad habit. Without a dependable initiative to reach their goals, your child could resort to shutting down. They might even lose their vocation.To better understand dealing with lazy teenagers and boost their productivity, I spoke with David Allen, founder of the Getting Things Done (GTD) methodology and author of Getting Things Done for Teens: Take Control of Your Life in a Distracting World. Here, he’s teamed up with two terrific co-authors and a handful of graphic designers to make his powerful productivity method more accessible to lazy teens.Imagine taking all the time-management skills you’ve learned through trials as an adult and apply it to a modern-day teenager’s perspective. That’s exactly what David has done here. HIs book has sold over a million copies, and its predecessor (geared towards adults) has sold 1.6 million copies, making him one of the most sought-after mentors for parents, teachers, and business owners.In this interview, David runs me through the super simple five-step method developed in his book for dealing with lazy teenagers. It’s shockingly easy to follow for such a robust system!To navigate the pressure of being overscheduled and overworked, David explains that dealing with lazy teenagers involves getting the stress (literally) out of the brain. Basically, it’s the practice of pushing information outside your brain so things don’t get so chaotic and overwhelming inside your brain. This allows teens to focus on what they’re doing without having to think too much about failing the test they’re studying for or being judged too harshly during their upcoming presentation. Here’s how it works:The first step in the GTD method is to immediately capture any incoming ideas or actionable thoughts that catch your attention. It could be that you have to send an email to a teacher, or you just remembered that movie recommendation you were supposed to look into. The point is, you need to get the idea out of your head and write it down so you don’t have to think about it anymore. This way the thought won’t distract you while you’re working on your current task. This is great tactic for dealing with lazy teenagers.By being present and making good moment to moment choices, teens can create time for the fun things they want to do. That’s why this first step is so valuable. Anyone can get bogged down without sufficient motivation to complete a task, but if your interests influence what you’re doing in the moment, you’re more likely to pursue the task with increased enthusiasm.According to David, dealing with lazy teenagers isn’t about magically getting your teen excited to do something they hate. It’s about how to help them figure out what they really want to be doing. If teens are able to organize their workload into manageable pieces, they’ll be able to get things done expeditiously.Let’s say your teen is interested in hosting a Halloween party. By using the first step of capturing ideas, they can create a list of things they need to do without dwelling on the pressure of a successful event. While completing their homework, they might jot down a quick reminder to pick up cups and streamers and then get back to the assignment at hand. When it’s time to address the Halloween party, they’ll be able to organize their ideas with more attention and de

Dana Suchow, founder of Do The Hotpants, discusses what parents need to know to discuss eating disorders with a teenager. She also explains how to connect with teenagers about exercise in a positive way, words you should absolutely avoid when talking about food, and a lesson in where negative body image comes from.Full show notesIf no one takes care to combat eating disorders in teenagers, unhealthy dieting can lead to damaging long term health problems. In serious cases, malnutrition can lead to death.Does your teen seem uncomfortable about what they eat? Does your teen struggle to keep weight on? Do you even know what your teenager thinks about his or her body? These can be unfamiliar and uncomfortable questions, but it’s so important to ask them.The secretive nature of eating disorders in teenagers can make unhealthy dieting a deceptively difficult problem to identify and address.To be clear, having a teenager who struggles with body image or food consumption does not mean you are a bad parent! Billions of advertisement dollars have gone into convincing all of us that our bodies are ugly. Advertising companies know we buy more stuff when we feel bad about ourselves, so they use billboards and TV ads to train us to hate our own bodies. In this way, eating disorders in teenagers are the natural product of emotional marketing. While these ads primarily target girls, boys are affected, too.My special guest today believes that in just 10 to 20 years, advertising will put just as many boys at risk of developing eating disorders as girls. If this is true, then eating disorders in teenagers will soon be a more relevant issue for all parents, not just parents of girls. So what can parents do to combat a thriving industry that’s invested in teens hating their own bodies? I spoke with Dana Suchow to get an idea, and it turns out there is a lot that parents can do.Dana is the founder of DoTheHotpants.com, a website that she initially started as a fashion blog. Eventually, she transformed the website into a platform for people to safely share their own stories about body image and eating disorders. Having struggled with an eating disorder herself, Dana has personal experience on the matter. She knows firsthand how important it is to have conversations about a healthy understanding of body image.A Delicate Subject MatterEating disorders in teenagers can be an extremely sensitive subject to breach. They are very secretive and highly personal. Parents need to be very careful with how they approach this subject because even though you mean well, bringing it up in the wrong way can actually backfire.Dana remembers a personal example of when a conversation about her eating disorder went poorly. Dana’s roommate in college noticed how she was struggling to eat food. Her roommate vocalized her concern for Dana, but Dana remembers getting instantly defensive. She felt like her roommate was talking down to her, even though her roommate was really trying to help.Dana explains how people who struggle with eating disorders want so desperately to hide what’s going on. When a teen feels like their secret is being threatened, they can become fragile and defensive. Striking the right tone to navigate this conversation is tricky. What helps address eating disorders in teenagers most, Dana says, is that parents get on the same level as their teens.Getting on the same level means empathizing, something Dana believes parents need to focus on. Empathic words like, “I get it,” and, “you’re not alone,” mean so much to teens who struggle with an eating disorder. If parents share they also feel down about their body from time to time, teens might be more inclined to open up about themselves. On the other hand, their defenses will stay up if they sense you are mad, or disappointed, or ashamed.In order to understand eating disorders in teenagers, though, you’ll want to have a better awareness of the greater problem: uneducation.“Uneducating,” or Questioning Negative InputCurrently, we live in a world that is so fixated on thinness and youth. You can probably imagine the “ideal” body in your head! It’s the body represented on 99% of movie posters: a thin, young, white woman who has no disabilities. She has no body hair, perfect makeup, and the list goes on and on.We need to unlearn this!When we don’t have representation of all the ways girls can exist, we start looking at girls through a narrow lens. Dana believes that advertisements teach us there’s only one, narrow type of girl can be loved, which is related to her body type. The negativity your teen has towards certain body types (even her own), isn’t coming from her voice alone. Part of that voice is modeled after what she sees and hears represented in popular culture. This prejudice has been ingrained by marketing tactics for so long that we might hate any body that doesn’t look like the singular, narrow norm.However, you can’t shame women for trying to fit in. We live in a world that reward

Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting Through Puberty, reveals when to start talking about puberty, how to start the conversation, and the important topics to discuss. Suanne also explains how to use techniques from Motivational Interviewing to improve your effectiveness during these talks.Full show notesWatching teenagers going through puberty can feel like a serious loss of control. Not only are you seeing your teen go through intense physical changes, but you’re bearing witness as their personality evolves every single day. One day you wake up and they’re not only taller than you, but hanging out with kids you’ve never met and using slang you don’t understand! The social and emotional changes going on inside them are like nothing they’ve ever felt before—and like nothing you’ve ever had to deal with as a parent.These changes are occurring because teenagers going through puberty are preparing themselves for independent adult life. You want your teenager to ride this evolutionary wave and become a functional, autonomous adult—but allowing them to have independence is terrifying! What do you do when your teen begins staying out late with their friends, driving, forming romantic relationships, and making their own decisions?As our teenagers are going through puberty, it’s important to talk to them about values and behavior so they can become strong, happy adults. It can be hard to have these talks, but they are so valuable when it comes to protecting teens’ well-being! We want teenagers going through puberty to be independent and make their own choices, but without guidance, they might end up making choices they regret.Today’s guest is Dr. Suanne Kowal Connelly, author of Parenting Through Puberty: Mood Swings, Acne, and Growing Pains. She’s helped kids and parents as a pediatrician for over 30 years, and sits on several counsels for the American Academy of Pediatrics. She’s not only an academic professional in the field of child development, but has also been at the wheel herself as the mother of three adult sons.A Doctor and A Mom!In fact, Dr. Connelly originally decided to write a book about teenagers going through puberty when she noticed a certain disparity between her experiences as a mother and a pediatrician. As a mom, she would constantly hear other mothers brag about how successful or healthy their kids were. In her practice, however, she found that the majority of parents tended to be insecure about their child’s physical, social, mental and emotional progress; things that they couldn’t control. As a doctor, Suanne discovered what worries parents the most about teenagers going through puberty. As a mother, she realized just how afraid adults are to talk about those worries.Knowing that many parents were embarrassed to discuss these anxieties, she decided to become a public voice that could offer solutions to common worries. She resolved to use her knowledge from years of working with teens as a health professional and a mother to help put parents everywhere at ease.In this episode, Dr. Connelly shares tips on how to help parents with teenagers going through puberty navigate the physical aspect of these changes, and so much more. She starts by answering the common query about when parents should step in and begin having conversations with teenagers about their developing bodies.A Secret Tell-Tale Sign of PubertyInterestingly, Suanne says the best time to start talking to teenagers about puberty is when you notice a change in their foot size! She explains that teenagers grow from the outside in, and their feet and hands are generally the first to get bigger. When you observe a change in the size of your kid’s feet, this means they are in the beginning stage of teenagers going through puberty.So, your teenager has outgrown their third pair of sneakers this month and you’re off to the shoe store again. It might be time to finally address their physical transformation. You want to reach out to them...but you’re not quite sure how to talk to teenagers going through puberty.As a doctor, Suanne gives “the talk” every day. It’s not the same “talk” you might be thinking of, in which parents give their teens information about the birds and the bees. Instead, this “talk” is more of an interview. It’s the time of a pediatric exam when the doctor takes a teen or pre-teen aside from their parents and asks them about substance use, sexual activity, and social life, among other things. Delivering these talks for so many years has helped Suanne understand how to talk to teenagers going through puberty.And she’s here to share them with you!The Big QuestionI start by asking Dr. Connelly the million dollar question: how do we start these conversations with teenagers going through puberty? Instead of asserting yourself to start a conversation about puberty teenage years, Dr. Connelly recommends asking your teenager for permission first. Asking your teenager if they’re comfortable talking about what’s going on with

Paul Angone, author of 101 Questions You Need to Ask In Your Twenties, discusses the process of finding your identity and your unique "secret sauce" to bring to the world. The key is to push teens to take on increasingly more responsibility in their lives while also taking the right kinds of risks.Full show notesSimilarities between Adolescence and Your 20sWhile at times we feel freed from the teenage identity issues that held us back in our youth, there are moments in our adult life when we feel just as small and humiliated as we did at 16. It’s undeniable that recovering from hardship can gradually make you more resilient and able to face challenges. If dealt with healthily, lessons learned from hardship can inspire creative and professional pursuits later in life. However, you must first develop the maturity and introspective skills to be able to look back and laugh, knowing that you’re wiser because of the mistakes you’ve made.A variety of pressures can contribute to teenage identity issues. While it’s not necessary for a teen to decide what they want to do with their lives at 14, it’s at this age teens begin thinking about how their grades, extracurricular activities, and hobbies can determine what they do with their future. Comparing your teen's successes to those of peers can further complicate this issue.Is it bad that your teen is only focusing on soccer while their friend plays two sports while also putting in volunteer hours? It can be damaging to a teen’s self esteem to give in to comparing themself to their peers. While healthy competition between teens can be used as a motivational tool, comparing often gives way to feelings of inferiority. Instead of motivating a teen to work harder, it might cause them to have a “why should I even try?” attitude.As a parent, you should avoid telling your teen what to do with their life because they might directly rebel against you or feel like their choices belong to you, not to them. It’s a tricky line you walk as a parent; you want to help them through any teenage identity issues by showing them their unrealized strengths, yet still give them freedom. Teenagers crave control and it would disservice your relationship if you were to push them too hard—but what if their lack of motivation is getting in the way of their success?For Paul Angone, the answer to these teenage identity issues came in the form of a question––101 to be exact. Often labeled as a one of the "leading voices to millenials,” Angone is the author of 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties (And Let's Be Honest, Your Thirties too). He has also studied the generational differences between Millenials and Baby Boomers, and started the popular blog All Groan Up a place for those asking “what now?”In this episode, we discuss how Paul uses 101 questions to help teens discover who they are, to use success and failure to shape (but not define) your future, and to recognize the false facades social media often presents as reality. Though this book focuses on your 20s, in this interview we dive into how reading this book during adolescence can actually be a “cheat sheet” to overcoming teenage identity issues and determining what you want to do with your future.Finding your Secret Sauce and Learning from FailuresPaul talks at length about teenage identity issues and the process of finding your “secret sauce.” This sauce is a combination of your god-given strengths as well as strengths you’ve acquired by persevering through hard times. For example, your teen may be naturally gifted at math but what really makes them unique is how failing a history test forced them to study harder than ever before. Getting a good grade in history meant more to your teen than excelling in math because their hard work actually paid off. Your teen’s secret sauce is not only what they’re naturally gifted at but the work they are willing to put in to gain new strengths.The key to encouraging teens to take on more responsibilities is teaching them to take the right kind of risks. You need to help them get out of their comfort zones and try something they are afraid of without causing teenage identity issues. It’s important to show your teen everything they can gain from taking a risk––new friends, new exciting experiences, a more well-rounded outlook on life.Paul recognizes that while getting your teen to try new things may be challenging, the reward oftentimes outweighs the risk. Things that seem unfamiliar and intimidating can end up being formative experiences for teens. Say your kid is unsure of whether they want to go to tennis camp or not. Perhaps this is the first time they’ll be away from you for a week. There’s a chance that they won’t like the other kids or that they’ll realize they’re the worst tennis player there. But maybe, being the “worst” will force them to work harder than everyone else and to learn from older kids who were once in their place.Like taking risks, assigning new responsibilities to teens d

Todd Cartmell, author of 8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids, explains how to get a strong bond with a teenager and then use this as a home base to redirect them to a better way. He says you need to start by fixing your relationship with the teen, then their behavior will follow.Full show notesConnect Then RedirectParents of teens are all too familiar with this scenario: You want to find ways to build a strong bond with your teen but you’re often met with indifference. You try to think of simple, non-invasive questions that might get them to engage with you. “How’s school?” “Who’s that girl you’ve been hanging out with?” “What did you and Jason see at the movies?” And you’re met with one word responses: “good,” “no one,” “I don’t know.” Maybe all you get is silence because they don’t even bother to take out their headphones.It’s understandable; your kids do not want to talk to you about who they have a crush on or why they’re fighting with their best friend. We can all remember feeling embarrassed by our parents. Thinking every little thing they say is annoying, believing that everything they do is an attempt to completely control our lives. But now that you’re a parent, you probably feel differently.This constant battle to find ways to build a strong bond with your teenage kids can feel frustrating and even hurtful at times. You try so hard to not just be their protector but their confidant, to show them how much you care and want to be there for them. You want your teens to come to you with their problems, but your eagerness to help might make them run the other way.Obviously, it’s important to help steer your teen in the right direction when they are facing the many challenges, peer pressures, and awkward situations that come with adolescence. You want them to make responsible choices and be respectful towards others but how can you find ways to build a strong bond with your teen if they won’t open up to you?Todd Cartmell has some solutions for this. In addition to being a clinical child psychologist, Cartmell is the author of 8 Simple Tools for Raising Great Kids. This book discusses various ways to build a strong bond with your teen by partaking in simple, leisurely activities that help develop a mutual respect between parent and child.Manifesting Time TogetherHaving raised two boys, Cartmell uses his parenting experiences to pinpoint ways to build a strong bond with your teen. He explains that before delving into conversations about “the hard stuff,” you first have to focus on creating an enjoyable environment for them. This translates into doing activities that they enjoy, not just stuff that you like to do.Instead of forcing them to go shopping or watch football, which they might find excruciatingly boring, seek out an activity that your teen is interested in. For example, Cartmell saw that though he himself found little joy in playing Mario Kart, it was a game that his boys loved to play. He realized that it didn’t matter whether he liked playing the game or not. You have to find ways to build a strong bond with your teen in a setting that they are comfortable in—even if that means spending an entire afternoon being brutally beaten at video games.Parent’s must realize that as their kids grow older and find new interests, opportunities to spend quality time with them become more scarce. Cartmell reiterates that participating in seemingly one-sided activities can actually be a tool for developing camaraderie with your kids. He states that these activities often serve as catalysts for more important conversations to come up. Manifesting opportunities to have fun with your kids will help them see you in a more positive light and will in turn make them more willing to listen when it comes to having more difficult conversations.Operant Conditioning and the Pour On TechniqueCartmell discusses the benefits of using operant conditioning techniques with teenagers, which are associations between particular behaviors and the positive or negative consequences that follow. These techniques are especially helpful when it comes to distilling values and finding ways to build a strong bond with your teen. He encourages parents to sit down with their teens and mutually agree on specific values to work on, such as integrity or respect. You must then show your teen how learning these values can benefit them in multiple facets of their life. For example, when discussing the values of respect you must establish that it’s not only a crucial element of teen-parent relationships, it’s also important in any friendship or romantic relationship. Showing them the social worth in these values may increase the effectiveness that these conversations have on them.Cartmell also discusses a method he calls the Pour on Technique. After you’ve discussed why values such as respect are important, the Pour on Technique then requires you to focus on High Frequency. This means being extremely attentive in identifying when your teen is act

David McGlynn, author of "One Day You'll Thank Me" along with two other books, gets candid about tough talks. By stepping up and doing the awkward talks with his own kids, McGlynn developed some important insights about how to approach the toughest parenting conversations.Full show notesHow do you keep a straight face when your 12-year-old son calls his younger brother a “humongous dick weed?” Of course it’s not okay, but it can be a little hard not to laugh.Starting difficult conversation with teens in moments like this can prevent small problems from turning into bigger ones. If you fail to do so, you might find yourself called into the principal’s office from work because your son got in trouble for swearing at his classmates.This is what happened with David McGlynn and his boys. David is an associate professor of English at Lawrence University, and an award-winning author of three books: The End of the Straight and Narrow, A Door in the Ocean, and One Day You’ll Thank Me: Lessons From an Unexpected Fatherhood. He has written for Men’s Health, Real Simple, Parents, The New York Times, Swimmer, Best American Sports Writing, and numerous other literary journals. He has amazing stories to share, especially when it comes to starting difficult conversation with teens.Honest RelationshipsDavid’s third book, One Day You’ll Thank Me, shares many humorous anecdotes from his life raising two boys. What all of these stories boil down to, though, is one relatable struggle of a father trying to connect with his sons. When starting difficult conversation with teens, he found that it was important to have a strong connection first. Creating a strong connection with teenagers, though, is easier said than done.Teenagers will do almost anything to avoid trouble with parents. They are especially well-versed in lying to get out of trouble. Research on teenage truthfulness shows that most teens lie to their parents. David was no exception, and he relates his experiences as a boy to his own sons.As a teenager David was always willing to lie to get out of trouble with his mom. The one person he never lied to, though, was his dad. I really wanted to know the secret to this relationship that allowed such openness with his father.David had an unusual relationship with his father. He only saw his dad four weeks out of the year growing up. Most conversations they had were via payphone. Cramped in a small phonebooth, talking through a wire, David says he felt like he was in a confessional booth. Starting difficult conversation with teens was easy with his dad because there was a sense of anonymity due to their physical distance. This alone is not what produced David’s honesty, however.What David’s dad did that made him feel like he could be honest and open was NOT JUDGE. David says that his father always was, and still is, calm. Starting difficult conversation with teens was easier for David because his dad would never yell at, shame, or criticize him. With kindness and patience, his dad taught him over the phone how to be more truthful.David’s dad taught him that parents should be calm, non-judgmental, and ready to listen before starting difficult conversation with teens.Most parents, though, aren’t starting difficult conversation with teens via payphone. So, what is some more practical advice for parents?Why Don’t Teens Wanna Talk? It Could be TechAs a teacher, David learned that starting difficult conversation with teens was easier when parents empathized with the awkwardness. In his classroom, David has found that face-to-face conversations among his students had become more rare. Discussions were happening more and more over text messages, and he believes an element of connectedness is lost in this change. He observes that teens are using texting as a way of avoiding awkwardness in relationships.Teens are awkward people, highly emotional, and sensitive. As they are still developing their social skills, starting difficult conversation with teens face-to-face can be a source of anxiety for them. Because of this, a lot of teens seem to be reverting to texting as a way to avoid awkwardness in conversations. Inadvertently, they can be missing out on opportunities to learn important social skills such as intimacy, trust, and reading others’ social cues. This can affect how willing teens are to embrace awkward, albeit serious, conversations at home.David points out that no matter how much tech we put between us and other people, we are still human beings! We need strong, in-person relationships. He says that there is something powerful about looking someone in the eye and saying,“I know this is not an easy topic, but it’s something we need to talk about.”I love this because it ties in so well with our research at Talking to Teens!Embrace the AwkwardSomething we teach parents at Talking to Teens is to embrace the awkward and frame the awkward as a sign of love. Parents must acknowledge that although certain topics are awkward for both

Brandilyn Tebo, bestselling author of The Achievement Trap and a retreat leader and life coach, says it's important for parents to help teens develop a practice of unconditional self love. This episode is full of word-for-word scripts you can use to make it happen with your own teenager.Full show notesA fear of shame can be pretty darn motivating. We can place our teens’ worth in their accomplishments, like a carrot in front of a bunny rabbit, and get some impressive results from them. However, if they stumble and mess up, our teens will experience shame.If our teenager’s sense of self-worth tied directly to their achievements, they might feel unworthy of love after falling short. When teens feel this shame, they can sometimes try to cope with dangerously self-destructive behavior. But if we don’t motivate our teens with an innate fear of shame, how can we be sure they’re inspired enough to achieve success on their own? Are there ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth that will inspire them to be successful?I’m here with the amazing transformational coach, Brandilyn Tebo, to provide the answer!I was definitely eager to hear if she knew some ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth. Brandilyn is the author of The Achievement Trap: The Overachiever, People-Pleaser, and Perfectionist’s Guide to Freedom and True Success. She believes everything we do should be a joyful form of self-expression, and not a fearful form of self-justification. She travels the world teaching empowerment workshops to high schools, prisons, colleges, and Fortune 500 companies. Her website features a blog, and a podcast, and all of her knowledge is backed by research!The Achievement TrapThe idea that you’re only good enough by virtue of your accomplishments is what Brandilyn calls The Achievement Trap.The Achievement Trap tells us that being worthy of love is not our birthright. It’s a belief that Brandilyn finds highly objectionable, because as social creatures, humans need to feel loved. She wants all of us, especially teens, to learn that we are worthy of love regardless of our level of success.When pursuing ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth, parents need to identify their own self-esteem issues that’ve been passed on to their offspring. Brandilyn explains that the Achievement Trap is an inherited belief system that parents pass on to future generations, mainly out of love! This is because parents believe that if they ignore the value of success when pressuring their children, then their kids will fail to make anything with their lives. She understands this parental fear, that kids will be unhappy and unfulfilled if they are not motivated to be successful.It’s so easy to believe that the best ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth are through pressure tactics. If your teen isn’t pressured to get straight-As, doesn’t that mean they will be less likely to have success and happiness? This isn’t what Brandilyn believes. A perfect report card is not the best predictor of success, and it’s a terrible predictor of happiness.Choosing Who You Want to BeYes, there are worthy benefits to having academic success. However, Brandilyn is confident that straight-As can be a byproduct of a healthier goal, and not the goal itself. There are ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth free from the fear of failure.Brandilyn believes that in order to find ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth, we need to teach them to choose who they want to be in every moment. Teens need to know that they don’t have to get straight-As to prove they value their education. They can choose to be a curious learner regardless of the results.One of the most effective ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth is to teach them that results don’t actually matter. Results are irrelevant to how teens perceive themselves. In fact, Brandilyn points out that if you are being who you want to be “in the moment,” then the results will show up. If a teen chooses to be a curious learner, they will probably learn and get a good grade.This might sound like wishful thinking, but this alternative idea to The Achievement Trap is what Brandilyn’s research and teaching is all about!The “Secret to Happiness”Brandilyn swears that ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth begin with a simple idea. She says the idea of being committed to something and simultaneously unattached to the results is the “secret to happiness.” But how do you learn to be unattached to the results of something you’re committed to?There’s nuance between being committed to your teen get straight-As, and ensuring your teen values learning. When your commitment is to a perfect report card, both you and your teen will feel ashamed when they come home with a B. When the commitment is to the learning itself, though, you will both have the freedom to address the sub-perfect report card free of shame!Among the most valuable ways to help teens build a sense of self-worth is re

Amy Morin, bestselling author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, and a leading expert on how to instill grit and emotional strength in children, discusses lessons she learned from her years as a foster parent to dozens of children and as a psychologist who helps families through difficult transitions.Full show notesAt some point your child may have to deal with the sudden loss of a job, or a friend, or even you or your spouse. If your kid isn’t prepared to deal with fear and other hard emotions in life, these big events can be devastating. Being unable to deal with hardship can lead to addictive and self-destructive behaviors. How do you prepare your kids for the hardest moments in life?Some hardships in life you just can’t predict, but there are still steps you can take to prepare. Your teen doesn’t know when a grandparent is going to be diagnosed with an illness, but you can teach your teen about resilience through a mental toughness activity. More often than not, teaching your kid mental toughness is knowing when to role model, and when to step back and let them learn on their own. It’s a fine line!To help understand what actions parents can take to help their child with mental toughness, I spoke with Amy Morin. Amy is one of the world’s leading experts on mental strength, and she is all about practical advice. Her TED Talk has over 13 million views and is one of the 30 most popular talks of all time. It sheds light on what a true mental toughness activity looks like. She is a foster parent with incredible stories about resilience, and the author of the international bestseller, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.On this episode I got to talk to her about her new book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do. (Yes, Parents, specifically.)At this point, some of you might be asking, “Wait, I thought this was about mental strength for kids?”Teenage Resistance to Behavior ModificationIt’s true, Amy wrote this book because one of the top questions she got from the first was, “What’s a mental toughness activity for kids that actually works?”Amy agrees that this is a valid question. Kids don’t go to kindergarten and first grade to learn a mental toughness activity, but they are immediately swamped with homework and the fear of messing up.Kids need to learn cognitive social skills earlier. Studies show that kids in college feel academically prepared, but lack the social and emotional skills to deal with stress, loneliness, and other new life problems. If school isn’t teaching a mental toughness activity at all, parents are left responsible for teaching kids resilience. This is okay!Amy points out that, as a parent, you probably know your kid’s tendencies better than anyone. This also means that your kid is aware of your tendencies as a parent. When children enter the teen years, they are sensitively tuned into the ways you might try to modify their behavior and often pull away. It’s going to be tricky to teach a mental toughness activity (or any life lesson) if they’re trying to differentiate from you.Studies show the need for teenage autonomy peaks at 14. Having autonomy means grasping for your own authority. It can be threatening for parents when their household authority is questioned by teens in a power struggle. How do you keep control when your teenager is pushing back more and more?Amy says it’s important for a parent to show they’re in charge, but that they value their kid’s opinion. Ultimately, teenage pushback is going to ruffle your feathers, but if you can keep your cool and your values, it can be an opportunity to role model mental toughness. Amy believes that modeling values is an effective, albeit subliminal, mental toughness activity.Role Modeling ValuesWhy is mental toughness so hard to teach to a teenager?Bad situations are opportunities to make a good choice as a parent. How you respond to negative situations communicates your values. You just have to clarify what life lesson you’re trying to impart. This isn’t always easy!Amy gives an example of a dad who told his son to clean up his toys before the rain came or he would throw them out. The son disobeyed the dad, and the toys got rained on. Now the dad had to decide whether or not he would go forward on his word. He didn’t want to throw his son’s toys out, but he also didn’t want to have to apologize to his son for saying something he didn’t mean.Amy firmly believes, though, that if you underscore the life lesson you want to teach, you will know what you have to do. Parents shouldn’t be afraid to apologize to their kids.If parents can role model overcoming fear of apologizing to their children, it will be a lot easier to teach teens to overcome fear when they encounter it. If teens see you facing your fear, they’ll be a little bit more receptive when you try to engage them in a mental toughness activity.Teaching Teens to Tolerate FearTeaching your kid a mental toughness activity to tolerate fear will help them grow in res

Lucy Maddox, author of Blueprint: How Childhood Makes Us Who We Are, discusses the fascinating science of why social experiences are also heightened during the teenage years. In this episode she reveals what you should teach your teen about friendships and relationships.Full show notesAfter all these years, you think you’d know your kid, but there seems to be no end to the surprises, bombshells, and blind turns! Just when you assume your teenager will behave one way, they start doing what you’d never expect. As a parent, you know that teens make often make irresponsible decisions, change their opinions like T-shirts, and behave in ways that generally don’t seem to make any sense at all.So. what the heck is going on inside the adolescent brain?! Without knowing what’s going on under the hood, we never know if our will listen to our conversations or discount them as “uncool” before embarking on their own program. It can feel impossible to decode the adolescent brain and understand teenagers’ motivations.However, there is a way to help the adolescent brain develop the right decision-making tools, so our teens are prepared for a life good choices. The answer comes down to having the right approach. If we can educate ourselves on the right way to talk to a teenager, we can avoid pursuing strategies that simply fail in the end.My guest in this episode is Lucy Maddox, author of Blueprint: How Childhood Makes Us Who We Are. She also has her own psychology practice in Bristol, England, where she works one-on-one with kids and teens every day. As a writer, university lecturer, and expert in cognitive behavioral therapy, she is a great source of knowledge for how we can understand the adolescent brain and use that understanding to become better parents.Molding the Adolescent Brain for SuccessThe first thing parents need to know about molding the adolescent brain is how flexible it is. For example, Lucy’s book examines how we experience a phenomenon called an “adolescent memory bump.” This refers to the way memories from the adolescent brain are recalled much more vividly or intensely than memories of other times in our lives. The adolescent brain is very impressionable, and the experiences we have during this time can stay with us for a lifetime. That’s why it’s important to guide our teens through this period, so that they can enter into adulthood happy and functional.Lucy has done a lot of research into how we can shape the adolescent brain with conversations about tricky topics—with some pretty interesting results.She starts by critically examining how we often focus on our children’s behavior. Often, we help our kids make good choices by rewarding or punishing them for good and bad actions. Sometimes, in doing this, we forget to talk to them about the values at work behind their decisions. According to Lucy, these value discussions are some of the most important talks we can have with our kids, because they go deeper than the surface. Instead of just scolding or praising them for their behavior, we are providing them with guidelines for how to approach any situation.It harkens back to the classic idea of teaching a man to fish. If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. But if you can teach him how to fish, he’ll be able to feed himself for the foreseeable future! If we simply tell kids how to act, our words may stick for a moment but likely will not last in their heads. By teaching your teen to have strong values, they’ll be able to evaluate situations and act according to their moral compass, even when you’re not around.Finding Time to Talk (And Listen!)It’s delicate, however, to find the right time to sit down with our teenagers to talk about such broad and important topics. Research shows that the adolescent brain can be pretty resistant to advice from their parents. Lucy suggests converting these conversations into bite sized pieces and slipping them in during everyday activities. Try talking to your kids about the importance of hard work while driving. Teach them about the importance of kindness while taking a weekly trip to the grocery store.It may seem strange, but by putting less emphasis on the discussion, your teenager is more likely to be receptive to the ideas you’re sharing. By keeping things simple and casual, it’s easier to transmit your message to the adolescent brain. They may not even notice that you are trying to give them serious advice--and this may work to your advantage.Even though they may be difficult, Lucy explains why these kinds of talks are extremely important for the adolescent brain. She and I discuss a study which examined the development of “grit” among teenagers, or their ability to move past obstacles with hard work and dedication. The study revealed that the more support individuals have from their community during adolescence, the more likely they are to successfully deal with hardships that come their way.In fact, it showed evidence that even just one strong relationsh

Neal Thompson, author of Kickflip Boys, discusses the drama of raising rebellious and defiant teenagers. He reveals some of the strategies he found that worked for getting through to his kids in the end and talks about how he coped with the rebellious years.Full show notesAre your boundary lines being crossed like hopscotch? Maybe this problem goes beyond the house, too. Your teen could harbor a greater rebellion towards authority than you know…Without knowing how to deal with teenage defiance, these behaviors can spiral out of control. They might be skipping classes, dissenting coaches and teachers, and even experimenting with drugs and alcohol in risky ways.Whatever the cause of this behavior, the stress can leave you understandably wondering how to deal with teenage defiance.This can feel like a lonely situation for a parent. However, the guest I’m here to speak with today insists you are in fact NOT alone, and there ARE things you as a parent can do. You can learn how to deal with teenage defiance!Neal Thompson is a father of two wonderful and rebellious boys, and he captures his inspiring story in his book Kickflip Boys: A Memoir of Freedom, Rebellion, and the Chaos of Fatherhood. Neal has learned some valuable lessons on how to deal with teenage defiance in a positive way. A lot of the lessons he credits to his wife.It’s easy to think within the constructs of societal roles that Neal would be the “bad guy” dad, and his wife would be the “comforting” mom, but it wasn’t really like that for him. He explains that he and his wife are equal partners, and they each have a different style of parenting their two boys. Still, it was his wife who found a lot more success in getting their boys to open up.PatienceHere’s a lesson about patience from a skateboarder. Neal loves skateboarding, and was thrilled when his boys got into skateboarding, too. His wife was interested because the boys were interested, but she kept her distance from the skateboarding community. When the “dark side” of the skateboarding community showed its edge in the teenage years, Neal didn’t know how to deal with teenage defiance with patience.When his boys would push back in rebellion, Neal admits his tendency was to instantly go to a place of stress and anger. Neal liked skateboarding culture and was around it all the time, but when the rebellious side came out, he struggled to stay calm. Doing nothing didn’t register as an option when he saw his boys make poor decisions within a culture he loved.It was easier for Neal’s sons to his wife because she had a calmer demeanor. She wouldn’t yell and scream like he would. She knew how to deal with teenage defiance by creating a safe space and listening. You might be asking, though,“What is a safe space, and how do you create it?”A Safe SpaceWhen figuring out how to deal with teenage defiance, Neal noticed that his wife could diminish teenage rebellion by creating safe spaces. Neal explains that to his two boys, being in the car with mom was like being in a protective bubble.What they didn’t necessarily know, was that she would use trips in the car to have conversations. The boys knew a relaxing car ride with mom and her calm demeanor allowed them to relax. Once they could relax, they could open up.What’s interesting about the car is that it provides a shared objective. When everyone is in the car, the objective is to go somewhere. Any conversation that happens is a byproduct of the objective and not “a talk.” This reveals an important point of teenage defiance.A defiant teen will get instantly defensive if you sit him or her down for “a talk.” If the objective is the conversation, and your teen is naturally defiant, then expect pushback and raised voices.In order to create a safe space, it’s important to identify activities that are comfortable for everyone that don’t necessitate conversation. This can be going for a walk, going fishing, or working on the car. Neal and his wife found that if you can disguise your objective to have a conversation with a shared activity, you can lessen their reaction when feedback is provided. This might feel sneaky and deceptive for some parents, so I asked Neal about that, too.Trust and Teen PrivacyParents may be wondering how to deal with teenage defiance when it becomes such a problem that an invasion of your teen’s privacy is necessary. Neal explains his perspective on this with excerpts from his book. He describes a time when he found information about his boys by stealing their phones and doing “stealthy parent work.” With the evolution of technology, this is such an interesting issue, and teens are wondering about it, too.I asked Neal if he thought his “stealthy parent work” backfired when his boys found out. He explained that the goal is never to spy on your kids. That by itself is bad. But you want to keep them safe. As a first line of defense, stealthy parenting is a poor tool. Being a stealthy parent runs the risk of damaging trust in the parent-teen r