SmartLoving Conversations

On our wedding day, we joyfully left our family homes to begin our married life together. Living and worshipping in the same parish, with similar ethnic heritage and family structure, we thought ‘cleaving’ together would be easy. How wrong we were! Leaving and Cleaving is Complicated - Family of Origin

Most marriage counselling and education focuses on conflict and incompatibility. It seeks to help couples find constructive ways of dealing with challenges in the relationship. It’s a kind of ‘damage control’ approach that seeks to minimize the impact of negative experiences.Positive Thinking

Who would have thought espresso cups could cause such drama? Byron had discarded the unused ‘free’ cups a year earlier, without Francine even noticing their absence. After a frantic search when a guest requested an espresso, she discovered their fate.Understanding Compound Wounds - SmartLoving

I was very pessimistic as a teenager. I tended to see everything negatively, and even when something good happened, I always noted how it could be better. I didn’t make very good company, even for myself. That changed when I fell in love, and learned a new way of relating to the world. I learned to think positively and to ‘count my blessings’.positive thinking, saying thank you, optimism, for a happy relationship, pessimistic,

We’ve all heard marriage is a journey, but what happens when it feels like a marathon with no finish line? Every couple faces trials – tension with family, disappointment or frustration at work, unemployment, or health struggles. What hurts most isn’t always the trial itself – it’s the feeling of being alone in it, especially when our spouse seems indifferent.Going the distance is easier together - SmartLoving

Every nation remembers the sacrifice of their war veterans with a Memorial Day. Thinking about your marriage: is it more of a battlefield than the safe harbour it is intended to be?https://smartloving.org/war-and-peace-on-the-home-front/

It’s that time of year when parishioners scatter like startled sheep. The call goes out for volunteers to have their feet washed on Holy Thursday, and suddenly, we’re armed with a thousand excuses. We get it – our knobbly, stinky feet aren’t exactly our best feature. The idea of baring them in public, especially to our parish priest, is mortifying. A trip to the nail salon is different. It’s transactional – pay the fee, walk out with polished toes, no vulnerability required. But when our priest kneels to wash our feet during the solemn liturgy of Holy Thursday? That’s a whole other story. https://smartloving.org/calling-volunteer-feet/

Communication has long been seen as the key to a healthy marriage. Modern experts call into question this wisdom, suggesting that it is not communication, but connection that is the key to lasting marital happiness.Communication in relationships is often misunderstood. Most peo ple think that good communication involves choosing the right words and learning how to listen better. Or learning how to ‘read’ another person’s body language. This is a very narrow understanding and it can mislead us into thinking that all we need to do is learn some ‘communication techniques’. A more helpful approach is to think about ‘connection’.https://smartloving.org/soulful-communication/

In a world that pulls couples apart, a simple ten-second kiss IS a small act of love with big rewards. Regular readers of SmartLoving will be familiar with the Connect Kiss – a daily connection ritual we promote to couples. It consists of a smoochy kiss that lasts at least ten seconds. We recommend it at two key points in our day: the point of separation at the beginning of the workday, and the point of reunion at days’ end. https://smartloving.org/long-live-the-ten-second-kiss/

Marital resilience starts with a well-grounded understanding of what marriage is and what it isn’t.A lot of couples get themselves into trouble because they make a very simple mistake: they expect marriage to make them happy. In practice, this mindset translates into an expectation that their spouse must make them happy. So whenever they are not happy, they project their unhappiness onto their spouse, making their spouse responsible and adding stress to the relationship.https://smartloving.org/resilience-of-the-marital-kind/

We live in a culture that champions unfiltered self-expression. We’re told that honesty is the ultimate virtue in relationships – that I have a right to say what’s on my mind, whenever I feel like it, and that our spouse should be ready to listen. It’s a message that sounds liberating: no masks, no pretence, just pure, raw authenticity. But as Catholic spouses striving to live out our vocation, we’ve come to see that unregulated self-expression can be a dangerous practice in marriage. It’s not as loving, kind, or effective as the world might have us believe. https://smartloving.org/editing-ourselves/

“You can either be right, or you can be one, but you can’t be both”. Our mentors were talking to us about a frustrating argument, and we were both digging in. They were right, of course, but we struggled to put it into practice. It would not be the last time either. Like just this past weekend. The argument was over handling a distressed toddler. It’s a well-worn path for us, and now it’s playing out through our grandchildren. https://smartloving.org/when-i-am-winning-we-are-usually-losing/

We often find ourselves chatting with engaged couples who want to write their own wedding vows. They tell us the traditional language feels stiff or too generic, and we get it—their love is unique, and they want their words to reflect that. It’s entirely understandable, and it reminds us of what we were thinking when we were preparing for our marriage. https://smartloving.org/our-way-or-gods-way/

No matter how easy it is to fall in love, staying in love requires attention and effort. Most people drift into love, marriage and family without a whole lot of conscious planning about the kind of relationship they want to have five, 10 or 20 years down the track.https://smartloving.org/intentional-relationship/

“I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how.” If you’ve been in the position of having a friend, parishioner, or family member confide their marital problems, you’re in the majority – 69% of adult men and 78% of adult women have been there. For priests, we suspect that number reaches 100%. Unless you’ve had specific training, these situations can be unnerving. We all hate to see loved ones suffering, and while our instinct is to help, knowing what’s genuinely helpful isn’t always obvious. Through our work in the SmartLoving apostolate, we’ve walked alongside many couples and spouses in distress. This experience has taught us valuable lessons about effective support while working within our limitations. https://smartloving.org/how-to-help-a-struggling-marriage/

Our romantic memories are the fabric of our couple history. When we reconnect with these memories, we reinvigorate our emotional connection in the present and set a positive tone for our future together. https://smartloving.org/keeping-love-alive-in-the-present-moment/

A corporate leader in India recently made headlines by suggesting his employees should work a 90-hour week, quipping, “What do you do sitting at home? How long can you stare at your wife, how long can the wife stare at her husband?” His remarks sparked quite the reaction, with some couples posting photos of themselves “staring” at their spouses and dubbing Sunday as “#stareday”. While the executive’s comments were meant to promote productivity, they inadvertently highlighted something profound about marriage: the immeasurable value of simply being present with our spouse. As marriage educators, we often hear couples lament about not having enough time together. Between work demands, children’s activities, and life’s constant urgencies, quality time can feel like an ever-elusive luxury. Yet this “stare time” – those precious moments when we can simply be present with our spouse – isn’t just a nice-to-have. It’s essential for building and maintaining a strong marriage. https://smartloving.org/the-gift-of-staretime/

Lessons from St. Valentine | A reflection for World Marriage Day 2025 As we approach World Marriage Day on February 9th, we are reminded of another celebrated figure of marital devotion – St. Valentine. Today, his name evokes thoughts of flowers and romantic dinners. Yet St. Valentine’s true legacy speaks to something far more profound: the sacrificial nature of authentic love. As a priest in third-century Rome, St. Valentine defied Emperor Claudius II’s decree that prohibited young men from marrying so that they would be more readily available for military service. Believing in the sanctity of Christian marriage, he continued to perform weddings in secret. When discovered, he was imprisoned and ultimately gave his life to uphold the sacred bond between husband and wife. His martyrdom serves as a powerful reminder that lasting love often demands courage and sacrifice. https://smartloving.org/pursuing-a-lasting-love/

Recently, Byron shared a new idea with Francine. Instead of encouragement, Francine responded with “when will you get time to do that?!” The conversation immediately terminated in gloomy withdrawal. Afterwards we unpacked the discussion. Francine explained that she was trying to protect her heart from future disappointment. Byron revealed how he feared he would be blamed for the strain his work puts on our relationship.Sigh. We wish it wasn’t so, but clearly after 30+ years of marriage we are still very much trying to master the art of relationship. In this case we were both reacting defensively. Defensiveness is a self-protective response to a perceived judgement, criticism, rejection, or risk of future disappointment. https://smartloving.org/defending-our-hearts/

The world of feelings is vitally important to life and relationships. But what does current research and best practice tell us about how to understand them, and orient them for the best outcomes in our relationships?

Whether it's Christmas, Easter, Mothers/Fathers day, birthdays or Thanksgiving… holiday traditions can be a source of blessing or of grief. With our guest we unpack the traditions that have worked - and failed - for us and discussed strategies for being intentional in how we create our family culture.

The transition to parenthood is a challenge for all couples but for a couple that experienced almost a decade of infertility the change from being a married couple with no kids, to parenthood can be a dramatic shift in their identities and relationship. In this podcast Laura and Joseph Cain share their rollercoaster of marriage, infertility and then parenthood.

In the summer of 2021, Tony Manfredonia, a songwriter, found himself on the brink of destroying his marriage. Lost in the relentless pursuit of career success, he had forsaken the most precious pillars of life: Love, Family, and Faith in God. His album, “ANCHORED”, is a testament to the snares of temptation that threaten to dismantle our bonds and the miraculous strength of faith that can rebuild them.https://smartloving.org/18-anchored/

When a marriage breaks down, it’s rarely by mutual agreement. More commonly, one spouse wants to leave and the other wants to rebuild. For the abandoned spouse, it is bewildering, traumatic and distressing. Yet the situation is complicated – both spouses are in pain. How can we, as a community and as individuals accompany the abandoned spouse

Frustration, disillusionment, irritation - it's common for spouses to experience a variety of disappointments in marriage. From mild and temporary setbacks, to sustained desolation, spouses are often unsure how to get out of the marital funk. In this episode we explore some key ideas to ease the marital frustration and regain serenity.

Passing on the faith to our children is complicated for modern parents. In this episode, Francine explores some strategies and practical tips with young mother, Kiara Black – who also happens to be her daughter!

It’s seems that having ‘the sex talk’ with our young tweens is getting more complicated with every generation. For Catholic parents, the presence of cultural forces that contradict our values can feel overwhelming. Join Francine as she explores the topic with puberty education expert Karen Doyle.

With ubiquitous international travel and the advent of digital dating apps, increasingly, people are finding their match in another country. These international romances have unique features. Join us and our guests as we explore the joys and challenges of dating and marrying across continents.

Every nation remembers the sacrifice of their war veterans with a Memorial Day. Thinking about your marriage: is it more of a battlefield than the safe harbour it is intended to be?https://smartloving.org/12-war-and-peace-in-the-home-front/

In this episode we will discuss the Marriage Catechumenate I will be interviewing SmartLoving Director Francine Pirola about this concept and vision from Pope Francis. Francine has done a lot of reading and research into this as given two presentations recently to clergy across Australia so in this episode we will explore what it would take to set up and continue to develop a marriage catechumenate and how it could be a real game changer in our church and in your own families to empower and activate couples to use their unique spiritual gifts.

In this episode we talk about forgiveness - what it is, what it isn't, how to do it, and why it's necessary. Forgiveness is the decision to let go of bitterness and negative feelings and thoughts towards somebody who hurt us and replace them with compassionate feelings and thoughts. When we forgive, we accept that something bad happened to us and say that we want to move on. We become willing to see the other person as God sees them which allows us to focus on more than what they did that hurt us this in turn leads to our own healing giving us the freedom to love. We've all got someone to forgive it is part of the human condition.

Different personalities. Different upbringing. Different education. Different sexes. Sometimes different ethnic or religious background. With so many differences between us, is it any wonder that making decisions as a couple is complicated and sometimes conflictual. We unpack the SmartLoving

In this episode we reflect on Marriage in the Wilderness. All marriages will go through desert experiences and during the Season of Lent as we reflect on Jesus being led by the Spirit into the wilderness to pray and fast and how Christ was tempted by Satan we reflect on our own desert experiences in our relationships with God or in our marriage. How we do we protect against temptations and weakness when we do not feel the love of God or our spouse? We will explore these questions during the show.

When is someone too young to marry? What is the research, the experience and the facts about the age at which we marry? We're unpacking the myths, minefields and unexpected blessings of young marriage with SmartLoving graduate, Michael Paton.https://smartloving.org/7-young-and-married/

We all know someone whose marriage is in trouble or has ended. Often, they will drop hints or even speak openly in general conversation. How can we be supportive and helpful to friends and family when their marriage is struggling? Join us, and our guest, as we dig deep into our experience and share what we've learned from the experts. https://smartloving.org/6-how-to-help-a-marriage-in-trouble

We’ve already explored how to deepen our communication as a couple but focusing on sharing our interior life, specifically, sharing at the more intimate levels of Emotions and Needs. But how do emotions and needs relate to each other? And importantly, how do our thoughts impact our emotions? In this conversation we’re exploring these nuances in the interior life so we can go next level in our journey of intimacy.Guest: Monica EliasMonica is a Catholic Mindset coach she is passionate about helping introverts love how they’re wired and using it for God’s glory. After journeying through degrees in Mathematics, Theology, and Education, followed by marriage and motherhood, Monica has made it her mission to free other introverts from feeling unimportant, overlooked, and isolated. She has been featured on The Universal Sisterhood Podcast, The Siena Event, The Genius Podcast.#5 Thoughts Emotions Needs - SmartLoving Conversations

Communication is one of the key topics that couples say is so important. While most engaged couples believe they are great at communication, many married couples say they could use some help. What’s going on? Did these couples somehow unlearn how to communicate? Join us as we explore communication – the pitfalls, the benefits, and tips and tricks to make it better. #4 Communication - SmartLoving Conversations

Our family of origin is the most influential formation because our early childhood experiences created the foundation through which all other experiences were interpreted. We like to think that we are independent thinkers and our own person. The truth is, we are products of our upbringing and experiences. #3 Your Family of Origin - SmartLoving Conversations

Is it possible to love smarter, not harder? We explore the SmartLoving framework of ‘Smart Loving’ and share our cheat sheet for winning in marriage.https://smartloving.org/2-how-to-love-smarter/

What does it mean to make ‘marriage our mission’? With our guest, Philipa Caulfield, we break it down and explore how we’ve done it and why we need it.