Relationship Alive!

How do you harness the power of your mind so that it’s working for you, not against you - especially when things get triggering with your partner? We now know that our minds are flexible, and that through neuroplasticity you can continue to develop and change throughout your whole life. In today’s episode, we are talking with Dr. Dan Siegel, one of the world’s leading experts on mindfulness and neuroplasticity, about how you can apply mindfulness with your partner to develop deeper connection to each other, and to yourself. Come along for the ride, as we take an in-depth look at the relationship between your mind and body - and your partner’s mind and body! Self- In today’s culture we have equated Self as an output of the mind, and the mind as some outcome of the brain. We have narrowed our definition of Self and separated it from a broader and more integrated wholeness. Invite in the possibility that your sense of SELF comes from the weaving together of many layers of your being, and is as expansive as it is tangible. Integration: Integration is the basis for wellbeing. Integration is the unifying principle that various aspects of a system are honored for their differences, and then linked. Integration is at the core of healthy brain functioning, and healthy relationships. In an integrated state, the social engagement system of our brains is turned on and we are available for connection. MWE: A healthy relationship is not about dropping your own sense of Self, it is about learning to honor the uniqueness and individuality of both partners and integrating the two into a new whole. It is about going from ME to MWE: a new WE created by the joining of your two Selves into a new entity. Mindsight: Mindsight is our capacity to be aware of our own minds. It is our ability be aware of our habitual patterns and behaviors and move away from being on autopilot. Mindsight is the capacity to 1) have insight into yourself, 2) have empathy for other people, and 3) honor differences and promote integration. Mindsight is something that can be developed and learned, and must be in order for healthy relationships to form. Thanks to neuroplasticity, increasing mindsight can physiologically and neurologically change our brains- helping us shake off old or inherited patterning and allowing us to become more aware, available, and attuned individuals. PART: This is an acronym that helps get to the core aspects of how you are or are not showing up in your relationships. What PART do you play in your life to bring more health and restoration to yourself and your relationship? P: Presence- Presence is the ability of being in an open and receptive state that allows you to connect with whatever is arising inside of yourself. Once you can be present for yourself, you can learn to develop a deep acceptance of what may come up. As we learn to be with, and tend to, and remain aware of our own triggers, emotions, thoughts, and patterns, we then learn to caretake ourselves in ways that take pressure off of our partners and allow us to be more present with THEM! A: Attunement- By learning to direct your focus of attention, as if it is a stream of energy you can point in various ways, you gain the ability to attune to both yourself and others. Asking questions is a wonderful way to refocus attention. Ask yourself: what meaning does this have for me? What is happening right now? What is happening beneath my/your behavior right now? This curiosity and looking for the underbelly of behavior allows you to gain access to the subjective world of attitudes, beliefs, stories, longings, dreams, insights, and other aspects that are often influencing behavior in the moment. R: Resonance- If, and only if, you are present, open, and attuned, can you resonate with others. Resonating with others is the ability to allow someone else’s internal state to affect your own. It is the openness to being changed because of another. To be touched. To shift inside in response and attunement to another. Feeling felt by others, and willingly feeling with others is the beginning of becoming a MWE. T: Trust- When presence, attunement, and resonance are achieved the social engagement system of our nervous system is engaged and turned out. Our brains are wired towards reactivity (flight, fight, freeze, disconnect, avoid, defense, etc.) however when we are in safe and true connection with others we become receptive. Our neurobiology is changed when we feel safe- our muscles relax, our heart rate lowers, and we enter into a ventral vagal state that allows for even more P and A and R. Trust is simultaneously a requirement and an outcome of being in connection with others. Positive emotion comes from connection. Research (and experience) have shown that positivity resonance is possible whenever there is human connection, even if it is around being together through suffering or difficulty. The act and process of reaching out to another and connecting, no matter their state, chan

Every day, with your partner, you have the chance to make things amazing. Or...not. In this episode, we're going to cover a simple practice that allows you to set a positive, love-filled, growth-oriented tone for your days no matter what is going on in your life. And, if things are tough, I talk about how to handle that in a way that still keeps things positive - without sweeping important issues under the rug. Also, join my partner Chloe and me for our free online class - the 50-Minute Relationship Breakthrough. In less than an hour we will reveal a simple 3-step strategy that leads to deeper intimacy, less conflict, and shows you exactly where your relationship needs help (and where it's smooth sailing). Plus we'll be there live to answer your questions. You can sign up at http://www.neilsattin.com/webinar - or you can text the word "INTIMACY" to the number 33444, follow the instructions, and I'll send you a link so that you can register. Please sign up even if you can't be there on the webinar live - so that we can send you a link to the replay. On the webinar we'll be also offering a special discount for our 7-week online course on how to create Thriving Intimacy in your relationship. It's everything about relationship that you wish you had learned in school (plus unlearning the things that you did learn in school). That course starts on September 26th. Another great reason to join us for the free webinar! As always, let me know if you have any questions, and please enjoy this week's episode of Relationship Alive!

Have you been stuck in a cycle with someone that leaves you feeling like you can never win? Where you feel like you are always giving in? Not saying what you are really feeling? If so, you may be experiencing emotional blackmail. It’s not pretty, and you can be left with the uncomfortable feeling that there’s no way out without sacrificing who you are in the process. Don’t despair - there’s hope for you! In today’s episode, we’re going to chat with the world’s foremost expert on ending the grip of emotional blackmail, Dr. Susan Forward, one of the nation’s leading psychotherapists, and a New York Times bestselling author who has spent decades helping people break out of toxic cycles and discover healthier ways of relating. What is emotional blackmail? The structure of emotional blackmail begins with a demand, followed by pressure to fulfill the request, and finally, being threatened with punishing consequences. The threat can be blatant or subtle. Subtle threats come in the form of pouting, sulking, passive aggressive comments, while blatant threats are overtly articulated consequences of ‘if ____, then ____’. FOG: Emotional blackmail, although incredibly powerful and hurtful, can become normalized by both the receiver, and the doer. Another way to know if you may be being emotionally blackmailed is to check in on if you feel as though you are in a fog. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. These three components cause us to feel overwhelmed and make it so it is difficult to find our way out of an imbalance of power, unable to clearly see the dynamics, and make us have a tendency to comply. The Need to Please Disease- When we are vulnerable we have a tendency to rationalize unhealthy and unloving treatment in an effort to protect ourselves from further guilt and fear. We can end up giving in, no matter the price, just so that the other person is not angry with us. The lethality and toxicity of constant giving in accumulates until the person who is the target of emotional blackmail becomes depressed and angry, and internalizes this to become self-hatred. Water wearing down the rock: Constant compromise and giving in to something and someone that does not feel aligned with your own needs and desires can wear you down. Like water wearing down the boulder, you become the pebble- a smaller version of yourself. By having the courage to look at what is really happening in the dynamic, you will find opportunities for change and growth. Stand up for your own truth. Everyone is terrified of other people’s anger and retaliation- this is a core fear that goes back into childhood for many. Despite anger being such a powerful force, there are behavioral strategies that help equalize the balance of power and help you become more assertive and self-protective. It takes courage to stand up for your own truth, however it is worth it. Honest look at ourselves. None of us are immune or exempt from being emotional blackmailers ourselves. Take time to look at your own patterns around getting others to do what you want. How do you handle when someone disagrees with you, or doesn’t want what you want? Do you plead? Coax? Get pouty? Become punitive? Do you punish through withholding things or love? Do you take their denial personally and as a threat to the relationship itself? Do you say things like “If you really loved me you would…” Or “if you really cared about us you would…” We are all guilty of some of these at times, and the question is not if, but rather to what degree and how often? Admit and Acknowledge: Do you feel like you have been emotionally blackmailing someone? Begin by labeling your behavior as such. Then, find the courage and humility to sit down and tell the person you are bullying that you are aware of your actions. Naming and sharing this goes a long way. Admitting and acknowledging is a way of fessing up and owning your actions and it creates a climate of much greater safety. With this safety healing and repair can begin. Saying sorry will not be enough however. You will have to show the person you have hurt that you are ready to own your actions through behavioral changes over time. And elicit their help! Ask the person you have hurt what they need from you to feel safer, and more trusting. Find ways together to move forward, and stay open to getting counseling! Admitting and acknowledging is a two way street! It is important to look at your own responsibility and behavior as the compliant one as well. Read through the following checklist to find out if you are a target of emotional blackmail: - I tell myself that giving in is no big deal - I tell myself that giving in is worth it to get other person to quiet down/calm down - I tell myself that what I want is wrong - I tell myself that it is not worth the hassle- I’ll give in now and take a stand later - I tell myself that it is better to give in then to hurt their feelings - I don’t stand up for myself - I give away my power - I do things to please oth

How do you spend time with your partner? Do you put energy and attention on the things that you want to GROW in your relationship? Or does your energy and attention go to problems and other things you wish weren't true? In this week's episode, I'm going to give you a simple gratitude practice that can dramatically shift the dynamic in your relationship towards the positive end of the spectrum. Try it for a week, see how it ripples out into the rest of your life, and let me know how it goes! It's simple, really. Focusing on what you have, on your gratitude and your appreciation, will highlight just how rich your life and partnership are. Take time every day (it works best to set aside a regular time - I prefer just before sleeping) and share 3 things with your partner that you appreciate about them. They can be big things or tiny details. After each one, pause and allow your partner the opportunity to RECEIVE each one. You can alternate with each other (where you take turns sharing each appreciation), or you can do all three - and then your partner shares 3 things that they appreciate about you. We'll focus in another episode on some other strategies about how you shift the quality of your time with your partner. This week, though, I don't want to overwhelm you. Try this practice out with your partner (or with yourself, if you're single), and see what else changes. And please let me know. You can always write to me at neilius at neilsattin.com - or you can join our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook. Looking forward to hearing what you notice!

Are you afraid of love and intimacy? How do we deal with that paradox, that we fear that which we most want? If you get to know that part of yourself, and embrace it - as we’re going to reveal on today’s episode - then it becomes an amazing source of power, inspiration, and connection for you. And if you don’t think you have that fear, then you definitely want to listen to this episode, as it may help you uncover some of the blocks that - well - you don’t even know you have! Today we’re having another visit from Ken Page, author of “Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy” - and his work on how to bring your authentic self to dating and relationship is a powerful tool for you to get to know yourself and your partner (or partner-to-be) better. And to access the power that comes with getting to know this part of yourself really well, and dancing with it. I also wanted to let you know about Ken Page’s free class - the Five Essential Insights for Finding True Love, happening on August 31, 2016, where you can learn more from him about how to access your Core Gifts in relationship. You can click this link in order to sign up for the free class. He’s also going to be teaching a seven-week course for single people this fall (which he’ll talk about at the end of the free class) - and if you happen to sign up for that, a portion of your course fee will help support the Relationship Alive podcast. And now...onto today’s show guide! The paradox of vulnerability: Despite common belief and widespread cultural teachings, the parts of ourselves that we are most ashamed of are in fact our most beautiful, tender, and truthful parts! Our vulnerabilities are where our soul lies and where love comes from. We are unfortunately socialized to be ashamed of vulnerability in the name of being cool, witty, ‘independent’ and strong and we learn all sorts of ways to mask, defend, and pretend our way out of our wounds. Protecting wounded places: The act of finding love is about deconstructing the walls we have erected inside to protect the world (and ourselves) from accessing our vulnerabilities. Every way in which we protect ourselves is a way we are blocking ourselves from the gifts that the wounded place has to offer. We falsely believe that we are only going to find love once we have built a strong enough fortress, while in fact, the parts we are hiding are the exact parts that the person that is right for us is going to fall in love with. This is true because our deepest wounds reveal our greatest gifts! It is our source of inspiration, knowing, laughter, creativity, trust, potential and passion. You don’t have to be something other than who you are. Cherish the reality of this concept. Cherish the relief it offers. Treasure your fears and turn your vulnerability into your holy ground- welcome it in with open arms as a guide not only to who you be, but to the love you are capable of giving and receiving. Turn towards your fears and know that the degree to which you accept how you flee love is the degree to which you will become a greater version of you, and your life will fill with more and more love! This is not going to be some polished packaged kind of greatness- it is going to be a gritty kind of human greatness. You may even be crestfallen and disheartened at first authentic contact with your shadow sides, however quickly you will see the beauty of exposed hurt and fear. You will gain a certain kind of dignity- a dignity in how you hold your heart, and others’ too. Your path to intimacy is perhaps the most important path you will journey on in your life! Acknowledging our fears around intimacy is a process. So many of us have developed very sophisticated strategies and defenses so as to protect ourselves and the world from truly seeing or hearing our fears. Learning to listen inward is a courageous act that requires self-compassion and curiosity. It can be incredibly supportive to do this archeological heart work in relationship with someone else, be them your partner, your friend, a therapist, a coach, or someone else who can help hold you in a conscious way. Become intimate with your fear of intimacy. Begin to practice the following steps as a way to guide you through the process of getting to know and love your fears: Step 1: Make a paradigm shift. Shift your perspective to the belief that you do have fear of intimacy, you do act out of fear of intimacy, and you do flee intimacy. All humans do! Furthermore, celebrate the knowing that your fears are your gifts- they are true gold, capable of helping you get closer to the love you want. Step 2: Get curious. Now that you are aware that there is no need to be either ashamed or afraid of your own fears, ask yourself: what am I afraid of? What are my flight patterns? What do I do to push love away? Observe, wonder, watch. Step 3: Ask these two powerful questions. Alone with a journal, or together with another person, ask yourself the f

How does your relationship within yourself help you develop a deeper connection with your partner? How can you balance the skills of inner work with the skills required for a thriving relationship? By now you’re aware that there are all of these parts within us that shape who we are - both how we see ourselves, and how the world sees us. You have these parts, and your partner has these parts. The more that you and your partner can be the “leader” of your parts, and the more you can interact with each other from that place, the deeper your intimacy will become. Today’s guest, Toni Herbine-Blank, has created a practical way for you to do just that. She is the developer of Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO) - which combines the wisdom of Internal Family Systems with Attachment Theory and state of the art couples therapy - to help you and your partner deepen your connection while making it more resilient. Internal Family Systems Recap: For an in depth discussion on the Internal Family Systems model, revisit episode #26 with IFS founder Dick Schwartz. Briefly, IFS outlines that we each contain a Self and many many parts. We have protective parts of our personality (managers and firefighters) which have developed to take on the role of protecting the more vulnerable parts of us (exiles). Exiles are often young parts of ourselves that have been wounded in relationship and have been pushed back and tucked away by the system in order to not get hurt again. Imagine a giant umbrella with two little feet sticking out from underneath. The umbrella is the protective system (sometimes called coping mechanisms, or defenses) covering up the little exiled ones from any harm. We do not get out of childhood without getting hurt. Whether you have experienced BIG T Traumas, or little t traumas, you, and everyone, have healing to do. We have all been wounded, even those with ideal childhoods, and our systems have responded by creating protective mechanisms. Children are brilliant at creating the defensive strategies- and now these ways of being are so tightly woven with who we think we are, and how we operate in relationship that they can go undetected. Why think in parts? Seeing ourselves through a parts lens begins to open us up to connection, awareness, and experience of core Self. Self is unwounded, ever-present, and an incredible healing resource. It is our heart space. Without parts languaging, we can get stuck between the protective system and the vulnerabilities, leading to internal and external tension, stagnation, and cycling in ourselves and our relationships. Access to Self brings energy to a relationship from the inside out. A parts perspective also allows for differentiation between what you do and why you do it. As you learn more about your own internal system, you can begin to take responsibility for how you are showing up in your relationship without getting stuck in the shame and blame cycle that so often takes the energy and intimacy out of relationships. The You-Turn- The You-turn is at the heart of the Internal Family Systems model, and at the core of what develops vibrant intimate relationships. As so many of us know, it is so easy to focus on our partner when we are suffering. We blame them for what they are or are not doing, and hold onto it as though it is the cause of our hurt/grief/disconnection/discomfort. The You-turn is just this- it is a redirection of focus to the internal. Invite yourself to start looking inward with curiosity- what happens inside of you in response and reaction to your partner? Track internal cycles and sequences: By bringing curiosity towards the internal experience, we can begin to observe the unfolding of our interactions. Noticing in real-time what is happening internally slows us down enough to allow for many more options of interacting! To start learning to do this, begin by simply tracking what IS happening. Are you yelling? Withdrawing? Shutting down? Then begin to see these reactions as coming from parts of you. Bring in curiosity- what are these parts trying to protect? Developing this inner awareness takes practice, safety, and often benefits from the support of a therapist. Listening for needs: Many couples lose connection due to communication struggles. How are you using language? What kind of language are you using? Notice your patterns in speaking and in listening. How deeply are you listening to your partner? And what is getting in the way of really being able to listen carefully? As you ask these questions, begin to invite yourself to listen deeper, meaning listening for the underbelly of the conversation. Often the content is a variation on the theme of needs. Listen under the surface of what is being said for what needs you, or your partner, are expressing a desire for being met. Protection evokes protection: Often our conflicts arise from a protector to protector interaction. If you respond to your partner through speaking from a protective part, this causes

How do you get inspired in your relationship? Today we know that "novelty" helps keep the spark of your relationship going - and there are MANY different ways to keep things fresh. In today's episode, I talk about a way that's fun, collaborative, and easy to keep going. And the act of doing it generates more energy to do more of it. Curious? Dive in to today's episode on the power of Contribution - and discover what happens when Creativity meets Contribution in your relationship. Also...my fianceé Chloe and I will be offering our online course that compiles the distilled essential wisdom from the past year of the podcast, as well as our own healing and coaching practices with individuals and couples. If you want to find out more about the course (it will be starting in September 2016) - make sure that you take a moment to either grab the Free Guide on neilsattin.com - or text the word "RELATIONSHIP" to the number 33444 and follow the instructions (which will get you the free guide) - and once you have the guide, I will also be able to let you know all the important info for our course. We're really excited to work with you, and will be offering some extra-special incentives for this first version of our course, so stay tuned!!

How does your attachment style affect your dating life? When you know your attachment style, and that of your partner, how can you use that knowledge to make your relationship stronger? How do you know when it’s time to commit? In today’s episode, we’re talking with Stan Tatkin, author of “Wired for Dating” and “Wired for Love” - and one of the world’s leading experts on how to use attachment theory for the betterment of your love life. This is Stan’s second appearance on Relationship Alive, and we use the opportunity to dive even more deeply into his work and how you can put it to use whether you’re single or...er, attached. Waves, Islands, and Anchors. These terms describe researched relational and attachments styles. They are constructs that help give metaphor and meaning to ways in which an individual relates to others as a result of early childhood experiences. Our early familial patterns change and shape our autonomic nervous systems, and thus, the way that we engage with those around us. When it comes to depending on another we each have different ways we feel in our body, minds, our memory, and in our bones. Anchors: Those who are anchors experienced secure attachments. They were raised in a reliable environment where relationships came first, where their needs were attended to, and there was no sense of either being left or being taken over. This infant develops with the intrinsic and extrinsic knowing that it is free and able to grow and learn independence without consequence. Island and Waves: Unlike anchors, islands and waves were raised in an environment where relationship did not come first, and from a very young age they had to adapt themselves to their environment in order to get their needs met. Both islands and waves want relationship, although they both struggle with trust. Waves tend to hold a core belief that they are going to be abandoned, and so they are less independent and often cling to others. Islands, however, hold the core belief that if they depend on another their independence will be taken away, and they will feel robbed and trapped, thus causing them to be ultra distant and quick to quit. Patterns not labels. These terms are not meant to pigeon-hole, but rather help describe the psychobiological response to insecure childhood experiences. These patterned responses are also not static- we can adapt, change, and heal. And although relationships are the places in which insecurely attached individuals may struggle the most, relationships also offer incredibly healing potential! Each partner must be willing to get to know their own wiring, and then get curious and learn to understand their partner’s wiring. From an understanding of your own and your partner’s psychobiological needs, you begin to move away from distressing conflict, towards collaboration, compassion, and ultimately, to building a securely attached relationship. Attachment is fluid- we are hurt by people and healed by people. The only way out of insecurity is through a relationship! You have to do it with another person! Fully resource each other! Creating a secure relationship takes a commitment to being in the foxhole together. Create a culture together in which you watch out for each other- where you are working collaboratively and mutually. Make your own 10 commandments, and include expectations such as: We pay attention to each other We are present with each other as much as we can be We never throw each other under the bus We do not keep secrets or hide We never threaten the relationship or each other Safety in a relationship is a cultivated state- requiring constant input and attention. That said, the energy you each invest in limiting the stress load and the threats, will create the space and stability needed for resilience, flourishing, and healthy development! Navigating insecurity while dating: As you enter the dating scene, it is incredibly valuable to learn about your own neurobiological wiring. What was your infancy and early childhood experience? How did your primary caregivers show (or not show) love? How were your needs met or not met? And how have you showed up in relationships so far? Are you trusting? Fear independence? Fear abandonment? On top of an awareness of how your own experience has shaped your reactions to relationship, it is helpful to also examine how cultural, familial, or personal ideals of relationship are impacting you. What expired values and expectations of relationship are you still holding on to that are no longer serving you? All of this questioning helps build a foundation for successful dating that allows you to be your authentic self and find a person who matches not your fears, but your desires. So many people do not do this inner searching, and end up simply heading out on a hunt for the ‘perfect person’, rather than for someone who matches their own sense of what a relationship is, and the shared we-ness of it all. Don’t just trust your own perceptions! No matter how se

What do you want in your life, and in your relationship? Are you having trouble getting your needs met? In this episode, I walk you through a process that helps you get at not only what you think you want, but deeper into the needs that are at the heart of your desires. Once you discover what your true needs are, you might discover that they're actually a lot easier to satisfy than you thought! I also give an example of how this process might make a difference in a couple with mismatched desires for sex. It's a quick episode that gets right to the point of this technique for unearthing not only what you want, but what you truly need. Give it a try! Was this episode helpful for you? Please let me know what you discover!

What’s holding you back when it comes to being in the present? To living into your potential? To follow through on decisions and actions that light you up, and make you feel more alive? Here to answer those questions (and more) is today’s guest, Kyle Cease. Kyle is a transformational speaker and comedian with a gift for helping you evolve, in the moment, towards what’s positive and possible. As you’ll hear on the show, for Kyle’s 2-day “Evolving Out Loud” events, he does little preparation, instead bringing a profound presence and willingness to dive in with the 1400 people in attendance. In the same spirit, this conversation emerges “in the moment” - and I’m excited for you to see how it unfolds. You’re going to get an experience of Kyle’s work in action as we tackle some of my own limiting fears and beliefs - in Kyle’s words, he and I are Evolving Out Loud - right here on the show. Some of the concepts that we cover are: We are helium balloons, naturally trying to go UP. Imagine each one of us as a helium balloon, intrinsically inclined to go up/move towards ourselves, and yet, we tie ourselves to ‘things’. We tie a string from our sense of lightness and well-being and attach it to objects, goals, ideals, and ifs ("I'll be happy IF I...get the promotion, the perfect house, the right partner). We then allow this stuckness to limit and define our identity. What are you stuck to that is holding you back from floating into and up to yourself? Have a letting go spirit. One way to navigate the question about what you may be holding on to that is limiting you is to check in with your body. What feels light? If something feels light, move towards it. If it feels heavy, move away from it. Chicken or the egg? You may wonder whether you need to know yourself better before you can experience what is light and what is heavy to you, or whether you need to get rid of things that are heavy before you can know yourself. Bring this conundrum into your daily life by inviting in the possibility that it is "both and" - and as you connect with your heart, you will create the space needed not only to see what is not working any longer, but also the space necessary for more of your own innate guidance and expansion. Move from your heart, not from your fear. Our mind can only measure what we can lose, not what we can gain. Your fear is only based on what you know, and what you know you know. Fear tries to predict future outcomes based on previous experiences, and thus, holds us hostage to old patterns from our past. And it is cognitive and mind led. Again, return to the present and to your heart in order to create the trust in the present that you are safe and here. From this you will find yourself and create more space to allow newness to come in. HEART EXERCISE: Be heart not old story. First, identify a negative thought or belief that you carry. Now imagine and visualize that it was actually you, at a much younger age, that said the thought/belief. Be there with the kid, and this time, let your heart respond. See what happens… You may find that the old story may start to leave your body, or that you now have more compassion/humor/lightness/curiosity about this fear or thought you have been carrying for what is likely a long long time! The childhood stories we carry are our past, however they remain present in us until we acknowledge them. So acknowledge them! See them! Name them! Listen to them! And be there with them from a heart space, because your heart is in the present. It is right now. And it is what you are. My heart knows that deep down I am okay. Begin to change “I am really scared that…”, or “I am worried that…” to “my mind is really scared that…but my heart knows that….” See, our minds are constantly scanning our past for evidence to help predict the future - that said, it is critical that we find ways to remain aware when we are doing this, and step into a more present and trusting place. That sense that deep down we know we are okay - that does not have to be a place we only seek when we are panicking - it is available to us at all times when we can step into the heart... There's MORE! Visit Neilsattin.com/kyle to download the complete detailed show notes...including all of the exercises that you hear on the show: Resources Explore Kyle Cease’s website which is full of videos, links to his workshops, as well as information about his coaching. Go here and enter the promotion code: GRANDMA when registering for an Evolving Out Loud live event for an amazing discount on admission. www.neilsattin.com/kyle Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Kyle Cease. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

When you're with your partner, whether you're having a conversation, or making love, or somewhere in between - and one of you is triggered - then all bets are off, and it's going to be WAY more difficult for you to arrive at a place that feels good. We've covered the topic extensively on this show for good reason. This week, I am going to summarize the "best" from the podcast - how to know when you're triggered, why it's important, the best techniques for coming back into balance with your partner (and within yourself) when it happens, and where to find out more information in the other show episodes. I've done the work so that you don't have to! Enjoy!

These days, I don’t think that you can have a conversation about conscious relationship without talking about polyamory. For me, it usually comes up in a couple different contexts - first, it can simply be when I’m talking with someone who is already actively exploring polyamory and wondering how to do it better, or is single and pondering whether polyamory might be right for them. And then there are couples who are currently monogamous who are thinking about the possibility of opening up their relationship to other partners - for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes that can work, and other times...not so much. There’s also the experience of jealousy - that almost always comes up in conversations about polyamory - although it’s relevant for everyone no matter what your relationship status. How do you know if polyamory is right for you? How do you know if your currently monogamous relationship could benefit from opening things up, or if it’s a bad idea? And how do you handle jealousy in your life - no matter what your circumstances? On today’s episode, we’re talking with Janet W. Hardy, co-author with Dossie Easton of the Book “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures”. Janet is one of the world’s leading experts on the topic of how to have a healthy experience with polyamory, and she’s on the show to tackle the questions we just raised - and more. It’s going to be quite a wide-ranging conversation that, I hope, will offer something useful for you no matter how you’re thinking about polyamory, or the effects of jealousy, in your own life. Polyamory is self-defined. Polyamory is everything and anything from a long-term multi-year relationship with more than one person to a circle of sexual friends, to a committed couple who brings another into their bedroom from time to time. The terminology is not nearly as important as if it is working or not. What makes for a successful poly relationship? What makes poly work, is really similar to what makes any relationship work. This includes being respectful of each other’s boundaries but willing to try things that are a little challenging, sharing responsibility and taking care of life’s commitments, and making sure that that everyone’s needs are being met. Polyamory does however, often require more time and the ability to manage complex schedules! Not to mention, incredibly honed self-awareness and communication skills. Many people go in and out of monogamy as life circumstances change. Getting your PhD and raising 2 children? Might not be the time to start exploring multiple partners! Worthwhile discussions: Whether or not you consider yourself monogamous or poly, there are some very important conversations that help set expectations and create mutual understanding. Get curious and vulnerable in your questions- what is within the agreement and what is not? Porn. Masturbation. Flirting. Sexting. All of these things must be discussed together with your partner(s) and clear agreements must be made. Remember that knowing your boundaries is YOUR responsibility- not anyone else’s. This is where self-awareness is critical! We cannot negotiate for agreements if we do not know what our needs are! Is becoming poly ever the answer to relationship problems? Rarely. Becoming poly is a choice, not a prescription or a solution. Only in the case that there is a healthy, happy and sustained couple in which one person wants a different kind of sex (more kink, rougher, gender switch, etc)- then maybe. Unless a couple has very developed communication skills and a willingness to try things that may feel challenging, than this is not the time. Jealousy has nothing to do with the other- it has to do with ME. People in poly situations have learned this over and over. They have chosen to make a commitment (and to recommit) to learning how to survive jealousy. There are skills and perspectives that help deal with the hurt without it growing out of proportion or becoming a limiting factor in connection. We have a cultural tendency and belief that jealousy is the most terrible of emotions- and further, that it entitles us to act out in horrible ways. But what if we can learn to see jealousy as a gift? It is like a neon blinking arrow that brightly highlights the things that we do not like about ourselves. And when we can see this we can take care of it! Because, in essence, jealousy is simply a sense of feeling bad that is projected onto another. When you have survived a jealousy storm - you learn that it gets easier! When we have surges of intense emotion we have the tendency to create stories. Challenge yourself to get curious. What if this is just energy that I am experiencing? What if this isn’t what I think it is? Over time you will develop a set of skills and muscles that will help you take care of yourself as you navigate through jealousy. When we let go of the idea that it is anybody’s job but our own to get through jealousy then we gain a c

In today’s show, I want to cover a few key questions. How do I identify what “stage” my relationship is at? How can I make that information actually useful for me? How do I know if it’s worth it to keep putting in the time and energy required? We’re going to dive deep into how to answer that question, to diagnose how both you and your partner are showing up - what can be celebrated, and what can be improved. Also, in case you haven’t seen it yet, I wanted to remind you that there’s a free guide on my website, neilsattin.com, called - “The Single Most important thing that will make or Break Your Relationship” - if you don’t have it yet, please check it out, as it’s a clear guide to understanding your needs, and your partner’s needs, in relationship. You can simply visit neilsattin.com and click the “send me the action plan” button - or you can text the word “Relationship” to the number 33444 and follow the instructions to get your free guide. OK - now - let’s get started. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover! So there’s a basic premise that I have for you...Relationships can be hard work and...it’s worth it.

Judging from the emails that I get and the clients that I see, many of you are looking for more information about how to repair a relationship after something big, like infidelity, has happened. How do you repair trust? How do you get your relationship from a place that can feel like total chaos through to the other side - where you have a new sense of possibility and vitality in your connection, and what’s happened is just a distant memory? Today’s guest is Terry Real. You may remember him from episode 4 on Advanced Relationship Jiu-Jitsu - he’s the author of the book The New Rules of Marriage, What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, founder of Relational Life Therapy, and internationally known couples expert and family therapist. Terry Real has also partnered with Esther Perel for trainings on the topic of recovering from Infidelity - which is one reason why I thought he’d be a great guest expert on this topic. So on today’s show, we’re going to revisit the topic of Infidelity (which we also covered in episode 36 with Janis Abrahms Spring), and tackle exactly what steps are involved in how to repair after an affair. A couple housekeeping things I also wanted to mention. For those of you who are listening right when this episode comes out, you should know that Terry and Esther Perel have also teamed up for a new online course, called the Power of Intimacy. The course explores the influence of power dynamics on the passion in a relationship - and how to come back into a healthy, vibrant balance when things are out of whack. The course was designed for primarily for couples therapists, and I know a lot of you listening to the show do with couples and might be interested. I got a sneak peek at the course, and I think there’s a lot of good stuff there for you even if you’re not a therapist and simply interested in advancing your skills in relationship. For more information you can use the link http://www.neilsattin.com/power - and that will take you to their site - and if you do happen to buy their course a portion of the course fee will help support the podcast. If you’re interested in their course and don’t want to necessarily support the podcast, you can just visit http://www.powerofintimacy.com directly. The course enrollment is only open for a few more days (because it includes live calls with Terry and Esther Perel) - so if you’re interested - check it out before they close the doors. One last thing. It’s summer! And I live in Maine - so every year when the temperature soars above 60 it feels like a miracle. I am going to do my best to keep this a weekly show, especially for you loyal listeners - but that might mean getting creative with the content here and there since many of my guests are taking summer breaks - and a little more difficult to track down. However, if I miss a week here and there don’t despair! This podcast isn’t going anywhere. After all, we were recently named one of the top 10 relationship podcasts by Women’s Health Magazine. That couldn’t have happened without you - your help getting the word out and keeping the ideas coming for interesting episodes. And there are definitely some interesting episodes coming! OK - enough from me! I am so excited to have Terry Real back on the show, to share more of his advanced relational wisdom with us. Here’s what we cover: How to define infidelity: Infidelity can be defined as the combination of a transgression or betrayal of some kind, and deceit. No matter whether the transgression is emotional, or physical, it is still occurring in the mind. Infidelity can be everything from a multi year affair, to texting, sexting, recontacting an old flame, or touching hands- and even these relatively mundane actions can become highly charged and erotic. In general, there are three types of affairs: Relational affairs- acting out in reaction to primary relationship issues Personality affairs- acting out of narcism and/or immaturity Existential affairs- primary relationship is healthy and loving, but person feels that life is short and wants to experience more YOU are responsible for what you do on your side of the seesaw. Always remember that you are responsible for the way you choose to act/not act. A difficult or unfulfilling relationship does not justify an affair. Yes, you may be completely right that your relationship needed some shaking up and change, but this does not sanctify hurtful or deceitful behavior. Holding yourself accountable. Boundaries are unique to each couple, and therefore must be defined together (hopefully before a transgression occurs). If you are currently in a relationship, bring this up with your partner with curiosity and compassion, and begin to ask each other about what your implicit and explicit rules about monogamy are: does it include texting? What should be shared and what can remain silent? Etc. One general rule to know if you are engaging in appropriate behavior with others is to imagine that a REASONABLE partner was obser

How do you really see another person? And how do allow yourself to BE seen? How can you deepen into knowing the people around you, especially your partner, more honestly, more fully? These seem like they would be obvious questions in the case of relationship, and yet so often we plunge into partnership, driven by chemistry and desire, only to wake up later, sometimes years later, and to find that we’re simply going through the motions, vaguely (or extremely) dissatisfied, and knowing on some level that something more is possible. Today, we’re going to take this on directly, to go to the heart of vulnerability - opening up to the experience of the moment with another. Guy Sengstock is the earliest founder of “circling” and the co-founder of the Circling Institute. He’s also an exceptional coach, with a gift to help you see the water you’re swimming in. Circling is a practice that allows you to experience what it’s like to be fully “gotten” by other people - and for them to get a sense of what it would truly be like to be in your shoes. If you enjoyed Episode 13 on Attunement, with Keith Witt, or episode 6, on developing shared consciousness with Patricia Albere, then you are going to love this deep dive into how to really get related with yourself and another human being. Today, Guy and I dive into the following: What is Circling? Circling is more practice than it is concept. It is a practice that when done in a group is simply following and giving ourselves to what is most alive in the moment with others. It is a presence practice. Like a mantra in meditation or an asana in yoga, the object of focus in Circling is the moment to moment occurrences in relationship. This relational practice helps us become uncomfortable in a particular way, that can help open us to new aspects of ourselves that we then take into our relationships outside of the practice. Relational asanas: At the heart of circling is the simple (yet challenging) intention of speaking the moment, such that you are voicing what you are noticing and sensing AS IT OCCURS. Most human conversations are triangular in that you and I talk about a subject - rarely is it present tense and speaking in, for, and about the moment. Circling is similar to an asana in yoga, but in this case it is a relational asana. How can we learn to not speak about, and rather speak and listen for what is happening right in this moment? When we do this, we step into surprise and mystery because we do not know what will happen next. From this risk, our aliveness and our anxiety increases. Share your anxiety - So many times we hide our anxiety from our partners, and often from ourselves. Anxiety and a nervous feeling helps to illuminate areas of stuckness/friction - a trailhead for finding out what is important enough to cause such an acute sensation! When we learn to share our anxiety with our partner, we show them that we care enough to include them. If and when you notice anxiety in the other, do not take it as a red flag, but rather a moment to get curious- “Oh woah, I’m imagining there is something really important to you that is making you feel so strongly”. Opening up our most vulnerable and sticky feelings to our partner brings in a whole new dynamic to the relationship! It opens the doors to what is ACTUALLY occurring in a way that can then be explored and known, rather than simply managed. Being in someone else’s shoes. Really feel heard and known. What is it about circling that brings about the experience of real connection? In circling, we really acknowledge ourselves as nervous systems that are inherently open to the world (permeable and transparent to it). When I look at you, I can actually start to imagine what it is like to be in your nervous system. I can start to sense what you are afraid of, how what I am saying impacts you, etc. In all deep levels of conversation and intimacy, what we are saying to the other is “I am close to knowing, understanding, and caring about what you care about”. And in caring about each other, we find out what WE really care about. When we tune in this closely, it is almost as if someone could ask you to make a decision as if you were the other person, and you would feel like you could! Of course, there is a critical line between feeling as though you know someone through being present with them, and believing you know someone. How do you know that you have an assumption? You don’t! Assumptions are inherently places we are unaware - if we know about it, then it isn’t an assumption anymore! Assumptions are a natural reaction to being in relation and we all have and hold them! And they are not to be feared or shamed - in fact, we can even look forward to moments of dissonance. Once an assumption is named, it then becomes great information and material for exploring. What if instead of trying to get to right and wrong (which inevitably leads to repression or argument), you got curious? What if your response to being triggered was to

It’s common these days to hear people talking about having healthy boundaries - but what does that even mean? How would you know what a healthy boundary looks like? How do you honor other people’s boundaries? And if you’re experiencing a breakdown - how do you get back on the right track, so that you know what your boundaries are, and so that they’re respected by the other people in your life. Today’s guest is Sarri Gilman, a therapist for 30 years who has also directed several non-profits, and the author of the book “Transform Your Boundaries”. In this book, Sarri Gilman explains exactly what your boundaries are, and what they aren’t, and gives you guidance about how to bring your boundaries, and yourself, back online. Here are the core topics that Sarri and I cover in this episode: YESSES and NOs. Boundaries are at the core of all relationships- if you interact with humans, you need boundaries! What are boundaries? Boundaries are a collection of your yesses and your nos. We can navigate through layers of complexity and many difficult situations when we come back to a knowing about what our yesses and what our nos are. Boundary work is ongoing: As with so much in relationships, boundaries are not static entities. They change as we change, and vice versa. Forget about ever ‘mastering’ boundary setting - this is going to be a lifelong process! It takes time, and an investment in yourself too, to sort out your feelings so that you can get to know your own yesses, and nos. Of course there will be foggy and fuzzy situations, and grayness is a part of life, but the confusion cannot become an excuse to be uncertain of your boundaries. Instead, it means you may have to take extra time to check in with yourself. Self care is at the heart of boundary work- Boundaries - which we often think of as interactional and relational - all stem from self-awareness, and self-care. Start noticing how many times a day people ask you for something. Then notice how many times each day you have the chance to clarify what is a yes and what is a no. Tune into yourself - can you locate that knowing of what you need? To what extent do you follow through on this knowing? Ask yourself - am I giving myself what I need right now? Am I taking time each day for self-care activities? Am I drinking enough water? Am I picking up my guitar? My knitting? Have I taken a computer break and stretched? Tune into you, and learn what it is you need each day to feel well and okay on the inside. From this awareness, you can come to know your true yesses and nos, and gain a stronger voice and clearer compass for navigating conflict around boundaries. Where do you feel you are paying the price for not taking care of yourself? Not having healthy boundaries can lead to patterns of distraction, avoidance, and isolation. As you begin to increase your self-awareness around your yes and your no, you may begin to notice patterns of boundary avoidance, or compromise. So many of us have been conditioned to put others first, so that our boundaries are a response to what others need, rather than linked to self-care. Some common patterns of unhealthy boundary setting include workaholism, numbing out via internet, social isolation, as well as approval seeking. Do you find yourself looking for LOVE without looking for YOU? Are you so hungry to be loved/liked/approved of that you will do anything for this, without considering if it is actually good for you, or aligned with your real needs? There is a line in any of these patterns that we do that is healthy, and okay up to a certain point. We are all going to have times we need to distract ourselves, put others first, or feel a need to isolate, and yet, it is key to have a way to check back in with ourselves. When we lose ourselves we lose control of our behavior, and this can lead to depression. On the contrary, if we hold boundaries that are too rigid and firm, they become imprisoning for ourselves and our soul/spirit. What nurtures you? What is it that YOU need to feel alive, centered, and empowered? Tune into the very core needs you have on a daily and weekly basis, and make sure you are honoring them. Take an hour to read, time at the gym, a walk with a friend, a dinner date - these small acts of nurturance create the resilience, and self-compassion that makes us that much more open to our relationships. Boundaries help to bring ourselves closer to others. Although it may at first sound paradoxical, good boundary setting allows for more authentic intimacy and connection. This is true because setting boundaries is the result of, and the contributor to our knowing ourselves better, which in turn brings those around us closer. Whether with your family, your work relationships, or your primary partnership, learning healthy boundary setting will lead to increased truthfulness, trust, and depth! Scary, but worth it! Setting boundaries can be difficult and daunting. It can be especially hard if you are someone who has spent

This week is going to be a little different. We’ve had so many new listeners join the podcast over the past couple months - and maybe you are one of them, that I wanted to give you an opportunity to catch up. So this mini-episode is going to be short and sweet, to give you a chance to go back through the more than 8 months worth of episodes and choose something interesting, or edgy, or simply choose something at random to check out. Week after week I’ve been striving to create unique, actionable content with the world’s top relationship experts, or people who are experts at skills needed in relationship - so I encourage you to take a moment and dive back into the archives. I also wanted to mention something that I haven’t talked about at all on the podcast - if you haven’t gotten it yet, make sure you go to my website, neilsattin.com, and check out the “action plan” - which is available for FREE - all you have to do is go to the website and click the “send me the action plan” button, and you’ll get the guide that I wrote called “The Single Most Powerful Thing that Will Make or Break Your Relationship”. This guide is designed to give you clarity into how your relationship is or isn’t meeting your needs, and how to adjust things for the better - or, if you’re single, you’ll get insight into how to create a relationship that is truly going to get to the heart of what you’re looking for. Whether you’re single and looking, in a relationship that’s good - but you want to make it better, or in a relationship that’s in trouble - I want to encourage you to get support. Way back in our very first episode, John Gottman mentioned that couples wait an average of six YEARS to get help - and let’s just say that six years is a LONG time, with lots of potential to create even more damage. Sometimes all it takes is one or two coaching sessions to experience a radical shift, to learn new skills and uncover the blind spots that are holding you back. So - don’t wait six years. If you’re interested in finding out more about what it would be like to work with me, you can email me at neilius at neilsattin.com - or simply text the word “SUPPORT” to the number 33444, and I’ll send you a link to my scheduler to set up a free conversation to chat about what’s going on with you and see whether or not we’d be a good fit to work together. If you’re looking for a way to stay in touch as well as to connect with other people listening to relationship alive - check out our group on Facebook. It’s called the Relationship Alive Community - http://www.facebook.com/groups/RelationshipAliveCommunity - and I look forward to seeing you there! Thanks again for listening to the show, and for the courage and willingness to show up for yourself, and, if you’re in one, for your relationship. Thanks also for helping to get the word out about the podcast. Relationship Alive was recently chosen by Women’s Health Magazine as one of the top 10 relationship podcasts - and part of the success of this show has been your willingness to help get the word out. If you can take a moment to let a few friends know about the podcast, or post it on Facebook or Twitter, I would be most grateful. We have more great episodes coming in the next several months, and I’ve also heard from many listeners that they’d like to hear more about the work that I do with my partner, Chloe - and more about what’s been helpful for us in our relationship. We just taught a workshop in Montreal called “Deepening Intimacy, the Art of Conscious Relationship” and I’m looking forward to having her on the show to talk about that, about the book we’re working on, and...well - you tell me! Drop me a line at neilius at neilsattin.com, or in the Relationship Alive Community facebook group, and let me know what questions you have for me or Chloe, and we’ll incorporate that into our show together. Ok, now’s your chance to dive into the Relationship Alive archives and pick out something really juicy. I can’t wait to hear more about what you pick and how it’s helpful for you. Take care, and...see you next week!

Let’s face it, modern relationships can be kinda complex. And if you’re in a relationship with someone who has been divorced, and has children from their previous relationship - or if you have children from a previous relationship, then you’re probably in the middle of that kind of complexity. Back in Episode 21, with Katherine Woodward Thomas, we talked about Conscious Uncoupling and the inner work required to heal from past relationships so you can be present for your current relationship. In today’s episode, we’re going to tackle the topic of success in a post-divorce family head-on. There are challenges that are unique to this situation - and you’ll find that the strategies for succeeding come down to themes that we’ve been covering on the show. How do you connect, communicate, co-parent, and get really clear in a potentially complicated situation? That’s what today’s show is about. Our guest is Susan Wisdom, retired therapist and author of the classic book “Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family”. It’s one of the few books on the topic - and fortunately it offers a lot of helpful information and strategies for strengthening your relationship, and your family, when you’re operating in a post-divorce world. If you’re not in this situation, then I think you’ll find that today’s show has some great insight that can help any relationship, especially if children are present. In this conversation, Susan Wisdom and I cover the following: The 4 C’s are helpful building blocks for successfully navigating stepcoupling, they are: CONNECTION COMMUNICATION COPARENTING CLARIFICATION CONNECTION: Connection is that wonderfully good feeling that is the glue that keeps couples together. It can be in the form of a thought, a behavior, a caring action, or a feeling that conjures togetherness. The more connection that exists in the stepcouple, the better coparents you will be, and the sooner the children will feel safe and trusting of their new family dynamics. COMMUNICATION: Communication is key in building and sustaining the stepcouple (and any relationship). It is important to learn to communicate in healthy ways, and from a place of deep respect and curiosity. Remember that listening and receiving is just as much part of communicating as voicing and articulating. When you hear your partner say something that begins to boil your blood or trigger you, try on a “hmmm” response- switching from immediate reactivity to questioning and curiosity. Clear communication relies on calmness- calm language and a calm nervous system- if you find yourself drifting out of this, take a deep breath and try again. CO PARENTING: Issues around co parenting go hand in hand with a dedication to communication. Successful co parenting does not necessarily come naturally, rather it is a dynamic that must be addressed head on, created together, and continually nurtured. Face this directly- develop a plan and find strategies that work for the two of you. As you do this, be patient with each other- you are not always going to get your own way. Instead, observe your partner as they parent, and be open to their influence. Furthermore, be open to the concept that by letting go of some control, you are helping to create a stronger team. CLARIFICATION: Be willing and able to look at your coparenting dynamic from multiple perspectives, and with a curious mind. Notice, inquire, and remain aware of how issues from the past are manifesting in your current relationship. Stepcoupling- The foundation of a strong blended family relies on the health and strength of the step-couple themselves. When all's said and done, are you each fully committed and in love? Your YES will carry you through the constant challenges (and blessings) inevitable when raising a blended family. It is common for children of split families to try to drive a wedge into the new couple as a reaction to their still being upset about the loss of the original parental couple. If the stepcouple themselves does not feel like a team, the couple AND the children will begin to feel threatened, weakened, and ultimately untrusting. If on the other hand the couple is strong, then the children will begin to trust, adjust, and it will be more natural. Be aware that an adjustment period is natural for all- and be careful to balance your attention between the bond you must maintain with your children, and your excitement for this new blossoming relationship you are in. Know that it is possible! The good news is that if you travel the distance together, there is a tremendous amount of love and fun that is possible! Differences are inevitable and beautiful. There is often a period of shock for partners after deciding to move in together because there are dynamics and details that were never visible or experienced during the honeymoon phase. Accept that these challenges are inevitable. Be patient, join support groups, get counseling, and begin to bust through these u

How does your biochemistry affect your relationship? Are there ways to foster the inner chemicals of love to keep things feeling fresh and vibrant? Today we’re talking about the big “O” - Oxytocin - and its impact on how we fall into love, and keep love going. In other earlier episodes on the show, we’ve talked about oxytocin, and oxytocin versus dopamine - and it seemed like it was time to go straight to the source of much of what we know about how oxytocin works. Today’s guest is Sue Carter, Director of the Kinsey Institute, and Rudy Professor of Biology at Indiana University. Sue was the first person to figure out oxytocin’s role in how we bond with our partners - so if you hear people talking about this “love chemical” - they’re probably talking about her work or work that’s based on her work. We’re going to chat about what we know about oxytocin, what we don’t know, and how to use the science to help you improve things with your partner. The Love Hormone: Oxytocin is often seen as the ‘love hormone’. It was first discovered to be involved in love in the early 1970’s when it was found to be present in the birth process. Since that time it has been proven to play a key role in birth, as well as in the bonding of mother and child. More recently it has been discovered that oxytocin affects our brains, and is involved in the biological and neurological system of attachment between parents and children, and between adult partners. Why is oxytocin so important in successful long term relationships? Anything that lasts a long time in human behavior has to have a biochemical or biological basis. There has to be a mechanism that allows us to fall in love, one that helps keep us together, as well as a mechanism for allowing break ups to happen. The question of why oxytocin is so important is complicated to answer, but the short answer is that it is a mammalian hormone with an ancient biochemistry (meaning it existed before the emergence of mammals) and it is reused many times for many purposes. The most important things in a human life require oxytocin to be present. This includes birth, caring for offspring, finding a mate, creating a social bond with our partners, and restoration and healing in the face of stress. All mammals have a very similar brain stem. The basic biology of pair bonding and of attachment is possible using old neural mechanisms and is housed in old parts of our brain - the parts of our brain stem which we share with all other mammals. Many believe that the most important organ for connection is our brain. In fact, Woody Allen once said, that the brain is his “second favorite sex organ”. The brain is directly engaged in the process of both falling in love and experiencing positive forms of sex. Fostering oxytocin production: We can get low level oxytocin production through simple social behaviors- interacting, play, being in a socially safe place, and engaging with others. The most reliable way to release higher levels of oxytocin in humans is via sexual behavior, specifically orgasm. Another activity with high oxytocin production is birth - in which the hormone is released in repeated bursts. Parent and child - All human babies need a caretaker, and it appears that oxytocin is critically involved in the bonding and attachment necessary to keep children cared for. Attachment behaviors found between parents and children produce similar oxytocin producing results between two adults. For example, it is a fact that the human breast has a monosynaptic connection between the breast and hypothalamus- meaning there is a direct route from the breast to the brain*. This route is not limited to nursing- any kind of breast stimulation has the potential to release oxytocin with other stimulation, if in the right context. *Men also have this same nipple neural network. We have a biology that is beautifully attuned to allow us to attach to people that are safe, and people that we have good potential to become long term partners with. Oxytocin is a very clever molecule! Oxytocin works within a background of a set of complex hormones, and never in isolation. It is highly tuned to context, and is sensitive to high levels of stress. This means that consensual sexual interactions are critical for positive and oxytocin producing physiological responses. Although safety is a very relative concept, our bodies are highly tuned to know how to assess for safety. You can’t just read the sex manual. By all means enjoy reading sex manuals, learning new how tos, and fun tricks, but remember that no matter how well you are trained in the ‘technology’ of sex, there is no assurance it is going to work! You can learn to touch here/suck that, but know that meaningful and fulfilling sexual interactions involve both partners, some key biological processes, and a whole lot of consent. As humans we are always reading the social cues of those that we are forming relationships with. We listen for verbal cues, and are constantly scan

What do you do when you’re in a relationship and your partner cheats on you? Or what if you’re the partner who has stepped out on your relationship? Does infidelity mean that things are over? Or...how do you bring things back into balance and heal your relationship - perhaps even get it to a place that’s better than it ever was? My hope is that you’re getting the tools that you need to thrive in your relationship here on the podcast. Of course I also want to ensure that you have the information that you need in order to repair your relationship when things go wrong. Perhaps no problem impacts relationships more than infidelity. So whether you’ve experienced it in the past, or it’s going on in the present - this episode is for you. And, if you’re thinking about having an affair, I want to take a moment to encourage you to find a way to address the problems in your relationship directly. Believe me, even though a relationship that survives infidelity can be even stronger than it was before, it’s way easier to just tackle things head-on and avoid all of the hurt and trust issues that come from an affair. Today’s guest is one of the world’s experts on the topic of infidelity - and how to heal in its aftermath. Her name is Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, and she is the author of the Bestselling book “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner has been Unfaithful”. She is also the author of two other books: “How Can I Forgive You, The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To,” and “Life with Pop: Lessons on Caring for an Aging Parent.” Her book “After the Affair” has sold over 500,000 copies, and is full of insightful, relevant information about what to do if your relationship has been impacted by infidelity. Today, Dr. Janis Abrams Spring and I cover the following: What constitutes infidelity in a relationship? There is no one definition for what constitutes infidelity; rather every couple must define it together. Infidelity is not necessarily about sex, it is also about secrets, intimacy, and trust. Whatever someone’s definition of cheating is, most people know when they are violating their partner. Feeling unsure if you are crossing a boundary? As a general rule, imagine that your partner were in the room looking over your shoulder- if you are uncomfortable with them witnessing what you are doing, saying, or how you are being then you can assume you are doing something that would hurt them and is violating an implicit sense of trust in your relationship. Create a secrets policy. Don’t wait for something to happen, speak early and openly with your partner about infidelity, and come together to create a working definition before any situation or threat occurs. Talk about what is permissible and what isn’t, and see how your perspectives align. Some couples have understandings and permissions around certain secrets, while others choose to share everything. Be proactive in your relationship by starting this dialogue now! Working out these agreements does not necessarily have to come from a fear-based place, but can instead be a loving and empowered step towards building resilience, and trust. NOTE: Don’t forget to include cyber affairs in this conversation. What constitutes an affair when you don’t actually meet or touch the other person? What level of flirtation is okay with you? There is no blanket rule here - each couple needs to define the boundaries together and make sure they are on the same page. Why do people have affairs? While apologies, recommitting, and choosing monogamy are all important steps in repairing after infidelity, one of the most critical tasks post affair is to understand why the affair happened in the first place. Likely there were multiple reasons. This is going to require taking an honest and deep look at yourself, and your relationship and be willing to get very clear about your vulnerabilities. It will not be easy, or comfortable, but try to create a list/an inventory of contributing factors - and search to find out what your actions say about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Remember that affairs are often less about the attraction to the other person, and more an attraction the unfaithful partner has to certain parts of themselves and the way they get to be with this new person. They may feel seen, validated, care for, and desired in ways that they have long been aching for. Degree of responsibility: Repairing after an affair requires the couple to come together in an effort to collaborate, clarify, and recommit. It takes two to tango, as they say, and nothing is a one-way deal in relationships. That said, it is important for the hurt partner to also take the time and risk of looking at themselves and understanding what responsibility they had in contributing to the vulnerabilities that may have let an affair occur. Each partner must willingly search for ways they each contributed to the space between the couple that made room for another person to co

Many of you have written in wanting me to address the impact of children and parenting on relationships, and as you might expect - the impact is considerable! How do you take some of the ideas we’ve been talking about here on the podcast and apply them to how you interact with kids? How do you get away from fear-based tactics of command and control, rewards and punishment - and instead switch to a form of parenting that’s trust-based? Since we focus so much on conscious relationships on the show, I wanted to tackle the topic of conscious, growth-oriented parenting with one of the nation’s experts on the topic. Alfie Kohn is the author of fourteen books on education and parenting, including “Unconditional Parenting”, and the newly re-released “Myth of the Spoiled Child”. He has been featured in Time Magazine, and on Oprah, and he challenges much of the conventional wisdom about parenting. You can find out more about Alfie Kohn at his website, www.alfiekohn.org . My hope is that you’ll see how this approach to parenting ALSO has something to offer you in your relationships - Are you fostering playfulness? Curiosity? Cooperation? Or compliance and resentment? Try on your kid’s perspective! Perspective taking is the process of getting out of yourself in order to imagine how the world looks from someone else’s perspective. Sometimes this might be in the literal/spatial sense, but more importantly it is about imagining how another person thinks and feels. This is different than empathy, because you are just trying to understand how they think and feel, rather than feel what they are feeling with them. Doing this with your children both helps to promote this skill in your kids, and is a key characteristic of good parenting! When you can imagine how things look from your kid’s point of view, you are much more likely to be responsive to their needs. Allow your children to explain to you their take on the world so that you can gather important information needed to better understand their behavior. Working WITH approach instead of a Do TO approach: When it comes to parenting, rewards and punishments are an easy one-size-fits all approach that lets people go into auto-parenting, but unfortunately does more harm than good. While rewards and punishments may get the short term reactions we are looking for, there is a lot of research and evidence suggesting that this parenting style ultimately damages and holds children back. The alternative is not just the absence of bribes and threats, but an entire complex network of guidelines - the most important being that you let your kids know that you accept them no matter what. With this attitude you can begin to work WITH your child, getting to know their perspective and world, and bring them into decision making. Children learn to make good decisions by making decisions (and learning), rather than learning to follow directions (on making good decisions). In the long run, what do I want for my kids? Ask yourself “what do I actually want for my children in the long run?” This will help you set long term goals that will guide your parenting intentions and decisions. Do you want them to develop into adults who are happy, ethical, caring, compassionate, self-reliant, creative, or have other qualities? Once you have your dreams for your children defined, you can reflect on how you are actually parenting in the present, and how what you are doing is or isn’t bringing about these results. Are your actions supporting your intentions? You may find when you reflect on this question that some of your present actions are negatively impacting future possibilities. For example, if you want your child to share and you reward your children with a lot of praise when they do, then this could actually lead to a certain level of self-centeredness as your child’s attention will move away from learning to give and take with generosity, and towards doing whatever is needed to get rewarded. Children are highly tuned into ways they can change their behavior in order to get the love they need, and will therefore go to great lengths to meet adult expectations. However, do you want your child to feel like they have to perform in order to receive your love? What does my kid need? This is a very different question than the one most parents ask, which is “how can I get my kids to do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it?” Universally and fundamentally most children (well, all of us) have a need to not merely be loved, but to be loved for who they are. Conditional love, the kind in which we offer love when an expectation is met, can be quite damaging as it develops a sense of conditionality in the child’s own sense of self. Punishments and rewards do not help a child learn right and wrong, nor does it help them develop their own sense of motivation and volition. In this way, rewards and punishments usually promote opposite skills and qualities from the intended effects. In order to avoid this powe

Have you ever wondered what exactly is happening in your body when you get triggered? Why do we go into rage, or feel like leaving, or completely shut down? Have you ever experienced conflict and thought something like “If only my body could just CALM DOWN then I might be able to actually resolve this?” - Or have you experienced that moment of getting nowhere in a conversation with your partner because they are triggered? There’s a reason that we keep coming back to this issue of safety and being triggered - that’s because both your ability to feel safe in the container of your relationship, and your ability to restore safety when, inevitably, you aren’t feeling it is at the heart of your being able to do relationship well - especially once the “honeymoon” stage of your relationship is over. Creating safety with your partner is at the heart of the work of people like John Gottman, Sue Johnson, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, and Stan Tatkin - and creating safety within yourself is at the heart of the work of Peter Levine, Dick Schwartz, and Margaret Paul. In other words, we’re diving deep because this understanding is KEY to helping you in almost every aspect of your relationship with others and your relationship with yourself. Today’s guest is Dr. Steve Porges, creator of The Polyvagal Theory, and a distinguished university scientist at the Kinsey Institute and a Research Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina. For more than 40 years Steve has been working on this theory of how our vagus nerve works and his work has completely transformed our understanding of how we respond to obstacles, adversity, stress, and trauma. How the very same nerve pathways that support our health can also be recruited for defense, and create health problems. If you’ve heard of “fight/flight and FREEZE” - that’s all based on his work - and you have some idea of what I’m talking about. In today’s episode, we’re going to not only get a better understanding of how and why the body does what it does, but also get even more clear on how to come back into balance so that you can be in a state of healthy responsiveness, playfulness, and curiosity - not triggered and just trying to deal. Developing a neurophysiological understanding of our defense systems. A basic understanding of our autonomic nervous system provides insight into why we react the way we do in conflict and crisis, while also laying the framework for what we can do to help bring ourselves back into a physiological state in which we are available for connection, love, and intimacy. To begin, it is helpful to know that as humans we have developed (through our evolutionary history) two different major autonomic defense circuits: Sympathetic nervous system: The mobilization defense system is dependent on the activation of our sympathetic nervous system which is responsible the fight or flight response we know so well. The immobilization response- Our most ancient (meaning we share it with virtually every other vertebrate that has evolved) defense system is that of immobilization and shut down in the face of fear. This physiological state is regulated by the vagus and includes reduced oxygen demands, reduced metabolic demands, and can include dissociation, passing out, and defecation. Immobilizing in the face of fear is an adaptive behavior that allows us to disappear. Those who have experienced, or work with others who have experienced trauma, know this state well. There is no conscious input in how these systems activate- the concept of consciousness in this context can be very damaging because it suggests a degree of volition that can lead people who experience major trauma like rape, threat, or force, to feel ashamed of how their bodies reacted. Unfortunately our culture sometimes asks questions like “why didn’t you fight?”, or, “why didn’t you leave?” These questions do not respect the implicit and reflexive activity of the body to defend itself by freezing - based on these inherited circuits. Neuroception- Neuroception the term that Steve Porges created to describe how our body can sense something and react to it without it necessarily entering our conscious awareness. Our nervous system makes decisions and changes our biobehavior without any level of conscious awareness- despite the fact that we are profoundly aware of the impact on our physiology we are rarely aware of the triggers causing these state shifts. If our body detects risk or danger features in the environment we might have a sympathetic excitation (sweat, jumping out of our skin, etc)- we might not be aware of the cues, but our body is informing us! What is the vagus nerve? The vagus nerve (a major component of our parasympathetic nervous system) is a large nerve in our body that originates in our brain stem and goes to nearly every organ in our body. If you are interested in the mind-body connection, then you are interested in the vagus nerve. Amazingly, 80%

What does it mean to forgive, and is there a way to do it that truly works? Why is it essential to practice forgiveness in your life, especially in your relationship? And how does the practice of forgiveness change when it’s something BIG you’re trying to forgive, vs. the everyday things? Did you even know that forgiveness can help you get through the everyday ups and downs of life with your partner? In relationship, it’s inevitable - big, or small, one of you is going to hurt the other. So then, the question is: what do you do? HOW do you repair, and find your way to forgiveness. In today’s episode, we’re going to explore the topic of Forgiveness with one of the world’s experts on the topic, Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, and author of the books “Forgive For Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Lasting Relationship” and “Forgive for Good” - which are both eye-opening journeys into how the process of forgiveness works in the context of life and love. Fred Luskin has worked with couples, and has also worked with people from war-torn countries - so his forgiveness methodology covers a wide range of the human experience. When we talk about forgiveness- is it necessary to have someone on the other end who is saying they’re sorry? It certainly is easier when we can directly respond to someone offering us an apology, however this is often not the case. Either that person does not believe they did something wrong, they are no longer in our life, or they are incapable for some reason or another. The crux of forgiveness is when you wanted a certain outcome but that outcome did not occur. Forgiveness is about making peace when you don’t get what you want - and about how you reconcile your desire for something with the reality that it did not happen. Practicing forgiveness: For most of us, true forgiveness, the deep acceptance form (rather than the ‘sorry’ and ‘it’s okay’) is challenging! People don't want to forgive, and often don’t know how. It requires an acceptance that the relationship matters more and that owning one’s own weaknesses matters more than whatever grudge you are holding. This is difficult for our egos to accept. It is a a releasing of focusing on our own hurt, and a switch to being able to say ‘you might have harmed me but I am going to release that image of you as someone who does harm’. It is hard to battle away the power of our self-absorption, for many of us this has become a great defense strategy, but you will find that your life and your relationships are more successful when you do make the shift. Temporary grief is necessary. It is easy to be caught in the habit of wanting to stay in the hurt and the blame, versus choosing to do whatever it takes to release that feeling. It is not just that it is a habit - there are good reasons to feel the hurt, initially. Grief is a necessary experience - that moment of really feeling that thing you didn't get that you wanted or needed. When you don’t get the love you wanted, OUCH. It is hard. The struggle, however, helps shed light on our desires, stuck places, expectations, and opens our awareness. That said, this period of hurting is not necessarily bad - it can be necessary to experience grief, on some level, in order to grow! Choose to grow. Grief becomes negative when it becomes chronic. This is often caused by being stuck in an inept or unuseful schema of how life should be. Throughout your entire life you have a choice on how you are going to move on from hurt - are you going to use this as a chance to grow, or as a chance to remain bitter? Creating new ways of thinking about things: The understanding of what happened requires creating some new cognitive schemas around events. For example, instead of the thought ‘they owed me’, a new schema could be ‘I don’t always get what i want’. In order to have adult relationships we have to accept that we are all flawed human beings. It is important to grow out of our immature and young schemas that hold that we should get everything we want. These old schemas can be replaced- it just takes time! Thanks to neuroplasticity our brains themselves change as we change these long held stories and beliefs. The process of forgiving does not depend on what you are forgiving! The easiest way to practice forgiveness is to practice on the little things. If you want to become more forgiving in your relationship(s), you can choose minor things that your partner does that you don’t like as a way to develop your skills. This way, when the bigger things come you have already developed the skills and created the brain pathways that you are going to use! We need these new pathways to help us handle disappointment - work towards building this ‘muscle’. Moving away from blame. In order to move out of the grudge and blame cycle it is essential to shift your perspective from THEM to YOU. You have to take responsibility for your own part and your own life. It is not always about finding out

Are you curious to know the most common issue that I hear about from clients, and from listeners who write in? It’s communication - or, rather problems with communication. Whether it’s being heard, or feeling like you have no idea where your partner is coming from, or you’re trying to communicate one thing but your partner hears something completely different, or you’re always being criticized - the list of potential communication problems goes on and on. Fortunately, today’s guest is going to help you take a monumental leap in the direction of communication that creates growth and connection in your relationship - and in how you communicate with others in general. Today’s guest is Marty Babits, contributor to Psychology Today, and Co-Director of the Family and Couples Treatment Service, a division of the Institute of Contemporary Psychotherapy in NYC. Marty is also the author of the extremely helpful book, “I’m Not a Mind-Reader - Using the Power of Three-Dimensional Communication for a Better Relationship”. Marty has been working with families and couples for over twenty-five years, and the wisdom in this book combines that experience with the work of many of the guests who have been here on the show, to create a manual for communication that will give you a completely new perspective on how to do it well. Prepare to dive deep into a recipe for communication that is sure to shift the results that you get as you interact with the world - especially the ones you love. The 3 dimensions of communication: These 3 dimensions are in every interaction between any two people who are connected: The 1st dimension- This is the literal meaning of what we say, or rather the surface meaning. This is where we can ask: are the messages clear and coherent? The 2nd dimension- This is the meaning that is under the surface, aka the emotional subtext. This dimension is often more complex and it includes the way we are thinking about the way we are. It is in this dimension that love comes through, or contempt. The 3rd dimension- This is the deepest and most profound dimension of communication. It requires reflectiveness and mindfulness. This is where we can take the pulse of whether what we are communicating is moving us towards creating emotional safety with our partner or away from that. Implicit in this dimension is our ability to monitor how the whole direction of the relationship is going. Try this: Pause in your next challenging interaction and take a mental snapshot in any given moment and compare it with what is happening 3 minutes later. This will give you a sense of the direction it is going and will help you practice being aware of what feelings, ideas, and tones are actually transpiring compared with those that you would like to be communicating or feeling. This willingness to become more aware of how we are showing up in our interactions is helpful in any kind of communication! Beginners mind- Foster your willingness to try something new on and a willingness to begin again! Maintaining openness can offer whole new vistas we may be currently unaware of. And that not knowing is okay! Allow yourself to forge ahead into unknown territory knowing that this risk is what it means to be human, and to evolve. Bring this openness and willingness to not know into your relationship. Can you be open to the possibility that attitudes can change and that people can grow? Openness and willingness to not know are the key for couples to get out of that locked patterning that can happen due to expectations and assumptions. When one partner begins to change, the other partner often continues to expect more of what they previously experienced, thus not able to see the newness in their partner's actions or attitudes-even when these changes are attempts at trying to create a better relationship. Resistance to change is common, and natural, as there is often a strong sense of inertia that carries you towards what has been, perhaps out of fear because change WILL inevitably disrupt patterns that may have been in place for a long time. To help move forward, consider that when you are busy focusing on your partner’s faults, you often miss all of the nice things that they are doing! In an effort to energize the positive, give yourself a direct encouragement to try to look for those new things. Actually open yourself to the possibility of new trends- this is the heart of what develops in successful couples work, and what ultimately transforms disappointments, disillusionments, and resentments… The optimal prelude to conversation is invitation: Are you willing to be open to the possibility that you CAN have better interactions? As we learn over and over again, we can not force someone to feel, see, or hear our perspective- but we CAN invite them to do it. By inviting your partner to join you in conversation is to honor their sense of choice in how they enter the dialogue. This honoring leads to a sense that you respect their inner world, which

How do you hold a vision for your relationship without being trapped by perfectionism when it doesn’t quite measure up to the ideal? How do you manage time in your relationship so that you have time to nurture and build your connection? What are some practical ways that you can learn to value your and your partner’s uniqueness, and what you each bring to the table? And just why is commitment SO important in your relationship’s development? As a healer, relationship coach, and the host of this show, It’s my goal to provide you with unique, actionable insight for how to do relationships amazingly well. And while most of the guests that you’ll hear on the show make perfect sense if you’re familiar with the relationship space, like Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt in episode 22 or Diana Richardson talking about her version of Tantra, which she calls “Slow Sex”, in episodes 2 and episode 10, there are some other less obvious sources of wisdom that I want you to know about. One of these is an organization called “Strategic Coach” - led by Dan Sullivan - which supports entrepreneurs in innovative, often counter-intuitive ways to grow their businesses and lead lives balanced between work and well - LIFE. The more familiar that I’ve become with their advice for entrepreneurs over the years, the more I saw that you could apply their wisdom not only in the business world, but also in the realm of love and relationships. As it turns out, they do have a program called the “Couples Connection” for people in relationship - but it’s only available to people in the strategic coach program. And today’s guest, Shannon Waller, has not only been part of the Strategic Coach Organization since 1991, she has been instrumental helping them do exactly what we’re talking about - gearing their strategies towards the health and growth of relationships. She’s currently Strategic Coach’s Entrepreneurial Team Strategist, and she has also been part of every single Couple’s Connection workshop since they started running them. I’m so excited to have her here on the show to chat with us about some of these really practical, yet unconventional business strategies - and how you can apply them in your love life. In this conversation, Shannon Waller and I discuss various new ways to approach yourself and your relationship: Continually innovate- Whether you yourself own a business or not, there are some critical tips from successful entrepreneurship that translate well into relationships. For example, there is a need, in business, and in relationships, to continually innovate. Without change and cycles of innovation it is all too easy to get stuck in problems, complacent, or bored- and it isn’t long until minds and hearts start to wander. In order to have the relationships we really want, we must continually work to strengthen the container of the relationship so that it becomes a source of growth, energy, and vibrancy. Without this investment of energy, partners will lose heart connection and may begin to substitute other things, including work, so that they feel less empty. The “GAP”: The “Gap” is a key concept in helping us assess our sense of progress, and consequently our sense of competency. The “Gap” is that space between where we are now, and where our ideal is. We all hold ideals- ideals for our partner, our children, ourselves, the way the world should work, how our week should play out- and on and on. First, learn to distinguish helpful versus harmful ideals. A helpful ideal is one that is inspiring and makes you want to be a better person, it gives you energy and helps you set goals. A harmful ideal is one that is burdening, limiting, and leads to decreased energy, anxiety, and shame. All ideals however, can become burdening and limiting if we are not careful in how we relate to them. Think of ideals like the horizon- a mental construct to describe “where the earth meets the sky”, a definition that helps our brains come to grips with something that we can never actually experience or reach. Ideals are a similarly moving target. They are incredibly powerful and valuable in helping inspire and motivate us, and yet, we often misuse them. When we use our ideals to measure ourselves against, we run into problems. When we measure ourselves against this moving, amorphous, and inherently unattainable ideal, we can feel depressed, get frustrated, and often feel like a failure. There is an alternative! Instead of facing forward towards the future, turn around and take a look back at where you started from. Think of yourself standing on the front of a large boat staring at the looming horizon and wondering how long it will take, and how far you have gone, and now, imagine yourself walking to the stern of the boat and viewing the shore receding further and further away… When we measure ourselves against where we have come from, we gain a sense of progress, and begin to experience satisfaction, optimism, and loads of other great feelings. Go

What is the secret to cultivating inspiration in your relationship? And, if you’re single, how do you find people to date who will truly inspire you to be more of who you are, more conscious, more connected? To that end - I want today’s episode to inspire you: we’re going to talk about a path to connecting with the parts of yourself that are truly your core gifts - and how to bring those into your relationship, into your dating life if you’re single, and how to connect your authenticity to the spark of passion. Today’s guest is Ken Page, renown psychotherapist, Psychology Today blogger, and author of the book “Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy”. Ken’s book is one of the few books that I’ve read for the podcast that left me feeling truly moved - both by the hope that it instilled in me for single people looking for a new way to connect with others, as well as through giving me a completely new way to frame the dance of attraction within a relationship. Core gifts- The concept of core gifts helps to lead us onto a very different path to finding a partner. This concept teaches us that the very places where we are most scared of love and those parts of ourselves we think we need to hide or suppress are again and again the powerhouse of our ability to love! This can be very surprising! Common culture around dating teaches us how to airbrush ourselves, how to play hard to get, and how to change ourselves in ways to make us seem more attractive. Thickness of skin is prized in the current dating world. In this very approach you are screwed from the start, because in trying to make yourself more attractive, you freeze your authenticity and spontaneity. You further feed all of your insecurities as you learn to hate those parts of yourself where you are most sensitive. Conclusion is that the fix-yourself-to-find-love stuff just doesn’t work! The parts of ourselves that we feel most embarrassed about are our holy places. Our most sensitive parts, the ones we have been programmed to be ashamed of, are in actuality begging for liberation! Our search for love will fail if we don’t love those sensitive places in ourselves. To the degree to which we embrace those parts of ourselves, we attract partners who are more available, caring, accepting, and supportive of our whole selves. Our deepest insecurities are the markers of our greatest gifts and those gifts will lead us to the real love we are looking for! Embrace your passions and your sensitivities Attraction of Deprivation versus Attraction of Inspiration: You can’t force your attractions. You can’t make yourself attracted to someone, even if they are good for you, if there is not the sexual attraction. What we can do is educate our attraction. In order to do so we need to understand the differences in our circuitry of attraction. Attraction of Deprivation is that rapid falling for someone who is ultimately unavailable. That attraction to someone who is almost there, almost gets us, almost meets our needs. Often these are hot attractions and exciting, but the almost-ness goes on forever. They scratch and itch. They don’t completely feed a real need. It is important to understand and to recognize our own attractions of deprivation in order to choose partners more clearly and consciously. Attraction of Inspiration occurs when you meet someone and you are physically attracted to them, AND you are emotionally and spiritually attracted to the way that they treat you, the quality of their consistency and integrity, and by their way of being in the world. When you find someone like that, attraction is going to build in a different way. It is more like being fed from the inside. The attraction grows richer, more celebratory, and more real as time goes on. That is happiness and that is where we want to look for love! The more we support our sensitivity, the stronger we become in the world! Don’t go pursuing the hottest thing around town! Instead, find people who amplify who you are and work on your own capacity to discern who is on that wavelength with you. This discernment is the way you can be vulnerable, generous, kind, and be more protected than if you were playing games. When we learn to honor our sensitivity we gain a kind of dignity and are ultimately less hurt by rejection because our ultimate commitment is to find someone who loves us for who we are. So when we find someone who doesn’t love us for who we are, it is okay because they weren’t the right one! When we operate from a “how do I play this game” place then we are operating from a fear based place and will likely suffer tremendously from rejection, when we make room for our vulnerability and ask for what we need and honor what we need in our relationships we become stronger and more resilient! For everyone looking for relationship: If you can make a decision and commitment (and it ain’t no little thing) that from now on you are only going to cultivate your attract

On our show, we’ve talked a lot about getting “triggered” - but what does it even mean to get triggered? Why do we hold trauma in our bodies? And how do we move through it so that we can live more freely, be more fully alive - and present for what life is bringing us in the moment? And if you’re in a relationship, how can you and your partner help each other heal - either the traumas of the past, or the inevitable traumas that we cause each other? Today’s guest is Dr. Peter Levine, one of the world’s foremost experts on Trauma, and author of many books on the topic, including “Waking the Tiger”, “Trauma & Memory”, and “Healing Trauma” - a book that guides you through a process for Healing Trauma and your triggers. He is also the creator of Somatic Experiencing, one of the most effective ways of dealing with the effects of trauma, and releasing trauma from the body with thousands of trained practitioners all over the world. In today’s episode, you’re going to not only learn how your body holds trauma and triggers, but also get some guidance into how you can, in the moment, come back into balance and actually allow yourself to fully move through whatever is stored in your body. We talk about how we can help each other in relationship - and we also chat a bit about how to apply Peter’s work with children. In this conversation Dr. Peter Levine and I discuss the following: The past lives in us. Our past lives in us in ways that we are often unaware of. Times when we may have been left alone, yelled at, hurt, neglected, abused, misunderstood, exposed to difficulty, or otherwise traumatized, all leave imprints on our bodies that can last through many years and decades. The question is not whether these memories exist in us, but how they live in us. Implicit and Explicit Memory: Explicit memories- These are the ones that we normally think about as things to remember. These are the thoughts and memories we are fully conscious of. Lists at the grocery store, directions, etc. Rarely has emotional content. Episodic memories- these are also explicit memories, however they have a deeper quality. This is when, for example, you are sitting at the ocean and all of a sudden you have images from your childhood. Representative of parts of our lives Implicit memories- These are even deeper. Emotional memory is when all of a sudden you find yourself angry, or frightened, and wonder what just happened. You may be feeling threatened and defensive. A fight might occur from this. Procedural or Body memories- Even deeper than emotional memories are procedural or body memories. When we felt terrified our bodies experienced terror physically (shoulders go to our ears, we get a knot in our belly. heart going fast..) These are all autonomic and automatic response we have. Even if we understand why we are being triggered and the emotions that occur as a result, our procedural memories prime the pump and cause us to react in often inappropriate ways. Triggers are echoes of memories stored in our bodies: If in a couple, both people have been traumatized in their life, it can happen that their fear and their anger will escalate, ricocheting off of each other. What is happening here is that our brains are wired to perceive threat and all the intense emotions ensuing as caused by something real. Our partner may do something, or not do something, or give a look, or say something, and all of a sudden our body reacts by developing a knot in the stomach, a tightening in the shoulders, faster heart beat… Our brains look to find causation for this symptomatic response, and often will attach blame to anyone near by! In this way we enter into situations where we begin believing “this must all be about you”, when in reality it is most often the result of an echoing of earlier memories stored in our own body. A relationship and interaction will go nowhere when both people are stuck in this velocity trap of blaming and shaming. Somatic Experiencing helps people learn to experience their emotions and sensations in their body and notice all that goes on without having to react. It helps people go from being closed and defensive to open and curious- which is the key to trauma recovery! Our relationships are constant sources for healing. Living, loving and being in constant interaction with our significant others provides endless opportunities for our triggers to be revealed! While this can be seen as very painful, burdensome, and unsexy, it is important to realize that every trigger offers an opportunity to heal! Our intimate relationships are ideal places to have our traumas arise, because we can face our memories and reactions with a trusted other who can share it with us, hold us, and be with us as we come into greater aliveness and joy! We cannot live our life with vitality and clarity when we are stuck in our habitual trauma responses. Bringing your relationship into the here and now: The most important lesson for growth in relationships is learnin

Having healthy polarity is an important component of maintaining a spark with your partner. Have you wondered, though, about what that really means? Does that mean that one of us has to be “masculine”, and the other has to be “feminine” in order for this whole thing to work? How do you turn polarity into something that doesn’t become just a descent into stereotypes, but into a dynamic energy that lives and breathes in your relationship? And how do you take it to the next level, tuning into higher states of energy with your partner? Today’s guest is Michaela Boehm, an experienced counselor and tantric lineage holder who specializes in teaching skills that enhance deep intimacy and lasting attraction, and who co-taught for a number of years with David Deida to make the concepts that he teaches in books like “Way of the Superior Man” and “The Enlightened Sex Manual” practical. And in today’s episode, we’re going to do just that. We’ll update your idea of what “polarity” even means - and give you some practical tools to open yourself up to what’s possible in terms of your energetic connection with your partner. Michaela is also going to point out some of the places where people stumble or get stuck - so that you don’t have to make the same mistakes on your journey. In this episode, Michaela Boehm and I cover the following: Within each human being there are two forces: The terms ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ are placeholder terms that describe two different types of energies that are found in each one of us. Over the years these terms have been misconstrued by popular culture- losing their original purpose and meaning. People have conflated ‘masculine’ with man, and ‘feminine’ with woman, causing further polarization, stereotyping, and kindling more gender wars. Misunderstanding these terms boxes and pigeon holes people, and can even become another form of oppression. In an effort to move away from these constructs, it is helpful to take a look at the two underlying principles that represent the masculine and feminine energies: the organizing principle, and the pleasure principle. The organizing principle: Everyone has an organizing principle, which is the masculine energy, that gives clarity and helps make things happen. It has a long term view and works on a time/space grid to essentially create forward movement. It has a tendency towards emptying out. It is filled with consciousness and has a depth of penetration and clarity that gets things done! The pleasure principle: The pleasure principle is the feminine energy in us- the wild chaotic swirl of nature as it is expressed in each person’s body, environment and life. This is the enjoyment of multitude. Of flavors and textures and fullness. You need both within yourself. The organizing principle without the chaotic swirl life force is just static and stuck. The chaotic and creative flow of nature without direction is a disaster. The strength of one principle is enhanced by the other, and disastrous on its own. Imagine being all in the masculine.. you might be so rigid you no longer know about how to flow with life, now imagine you are all in the feminine... your life might become so chaotic that you cannot seem to move forward. Therefore, it is important to find both inside of yourself. Finding your ‘home’ energy: While we each have aspects of the masculine and feminine inside of us, we each have a ‘home’ energy or a ‘home’ preference which is the place where we feel most naturally relaxed and fulfilled. When you are left to your own devices, you will naturally lean towards one principle or the other. Here are some good questions to ask yourself when reflecting on what principle is most native to you: Do you enjoy engaging in the fullness of life (children, dinners, animals, friends, clothing, social events, house decorating, doing things, etc? Are you your happiest and is your body the most relaxed when you are fully engaged in activities? Do you thrive on the engagement and exchange of love? Do you talk a lot? Yes to these questions points towards how the pleasure principle- the pleasure of being alive in one’s body- is showing up in your life. On the other hand, do you like clear structure, making things happen, and enjoy adhering to a schedule and a plan? And if you had a month to plan however and whatever you wanted how would you use the time? Would you hope to meditate? To sit in a desert and contemplate vastness? Would you want your mind and body to experience silence and clarity? Do you recuperate through being still? These tendencies speak to the masculine and organizing principle in each of us. NOTE: Both men and women are experiencing increased levels of the organizing principle as our society is much more geared and rewarding of the masculine. Finding a mix of these two dynamic qualities allows you to be more effective, expressive and fulfilled in life, plus it is has a huge impact on your sexual life! Polarity increases sexual play/Friction is sexy-

Have you ever had the feeling that you get into the same kind of conflict, over and over again, in your relationship? And when you recognize that, do you feel more free- like you are able to stop the pattern in its tracks and do something better? Or, are you left feeling powerless once the train has left the station? Well, it turns out there is one major source of all conflicts within a couple, and today we are going to talk about what that source is, and in very practical terms how to recognize it and break free of those repetitive patterns when they are happening. And, we will also have a helpful hint or two for those of us in relationships with children from past relationships. Today’s guest is Dr. Sue Johnson, renowned psychologist, researcher, teacher, and author of the book “Hold Me Tight- Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love”. She is a leading innovator in the field of couple’s therapy, and the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Couple’s Therapy (EFT), which has demonstrated effectiveness in over 25 years of peer reviewed clinical research. Get ready to learn even more how to apply attachment theory to your life in a way that will help you feel more grounded and secure in your relationship, and better able to take on the world! In this episode, Dr. Sue Johnson and I explore the following: Romantic love is an ancient wired in survival code- More and more research, and more and more couples, are helping to crack the code of love! We now know that you must go towards the emotions in order to understand the who, whys, hows, and whats of romantic love. Adult bonding and all the emotions involved in this is the key. So much of previous couple’s therapy and relationship advice has focused on skill acquisition and controlling cognitive thinking, but as most of us have experienced, skills usually go out the window in the face of enormously powerful emotions. Emotions are not byproducts of interactions, rather they are the music of the dance. Emotions organize our interactions. When you are lost, confused, stuck, remember Sue Johnson’s exclamation as she really looked into the research: “Oh my! This is ALL about attachment bonds!” And it is. Your mammalian brain is wired to perceive relationship threats as a matter of life or death, because in many ways they are. They key question in love from an attachment point of you is: Are you there for me? Can I rely on you to be there? Will you come when I call? A.R.E: Is there someone on this planet that you matter to so much to that they will be available, responsive, and engaged? Aka, A.R.E. If you have ever been surprised by the intensity of your emotional reactions in your relationship (sadness, anger, devastation, the list goes on), think about it in relation to attachment and the core need we each have to trust that your partner will be there. A vision for what is actually possible in your relationship: From last 25 years of research, and from what couples share, we know that you CAN learn to understand this dance called love. Even if you have had negative relationships, and even if you are in a distressed relationship right now where you are actively hurting each other, you CAN learn to see patterns, the way you move with your partner, the way you trigger each other, step on each others feet, and push each other off balance. You can learn to help each other in moments of emotional disconnection when your brain freaks out because it says “I am all alone”. You can help learn to balance each other and create a secure base. You can look and say “Hey! We are caught in that thing again, where I can’t seem to connect with you and I get upset and so I start poking you so that you will turn towards me, but you feel that I am just trying to hurt you and that makes you run away, so...shall we not do that thing and sit and have tea instead?!” Every relationship has that thing, that pattern, argument, stuckness that you find yourself up against over and over again. Get creative and make names for it! Our spiral, the nothing, the tornado… Make it so that you you guys can recognize ways emotional disconnection manifests in your relationship (so you can help each other out of it!). A secure bond is the way we are meant to be! A secure bond is predictive of every kind of mental health, growth, and good mental processing you can imagine. We are born longing for this connection with a few loving others, and when you are in a secure place it is as if your whole system becomes available for collaboration. Without it our system becomes compromised. If you are spending 75% of your energy trying to prove to others that you're okay, worrying if other people will accept you, feeling alone, trying to persuade yourself that you don't need other people, or actually trying to please other people, then obviously it will cripple your growth and your ability to deal with stress. Homo Vinculums- Somehow in the 21st century we have forgotten just how important secure bonding is. We ar

Have you ever heard yourself saying “There’s a part of me that feels one way, and another part of me that feels another?” - or have you ever wondered why you might do things that seem counterproductive to what your actual intentions are? Do you have a mindfulness practice, and wonder how you can get more out of it - is it not quite transforming your life the way you thought it would? Or here’s another question: when you take a moment to get to the heart of what you want, or “need” - how do you know if it’s something healthy, or just a way of perpetuating something within you that really ought to be something that you heal and move past? Today’s guest is going to help you answer those questions. And if you’re inclined to do the healing work, what he offers is a powerful path to get you there. His name is Richard Schwartz, also known as Dick - and he is the founding creator of the evidence-based therapeutic modality called “Internal Family Systems” - which offers an effective way to address both issues within yourself and issues within a relationship. We’ll explain how it all works, and how you can use it on your own, on today’s show. Dick is the author of the book “You Are The One That You’ve Been Waiting For, Bringing Courageous Love to Intimate Relationships” - and we’ll use that book to help guide our conversation about how to apply Internal Family Systems (IFS) to your relationship. We discuss how to identify and heal the various parts of yourself that may be leading your actions, your beliefs, and causing internal and interpersonal havoc, and how to reconnect with your Self in ways that result in lasting healing and promotes intimacy. You will learn how to speak for your parts, heal vulnerable and hurt parts, and increase Self leadership. I think you will find that this approach makes a lot of sense and that it is very workable! In this episode, Dick Schwartz and I cover the following: We all have parts. We all have parts inside, as if we are carrying around a family or a cohort of sub personalities. You’ll recognize this as soon as you tune into your speech- how common is it to say “part of me really doesn’t want to do that right now”, “another part of me does”, “part of me is frustrated this is happening”, or any other form of “part of me…”? This is the language we each naturally use to explain the phenomena of having multiple, mixed, and sometimes contradictory emotions/instincts/beliefs. But, we are also not ONLY our parts. This is a distinct premise of the Internal Family Systems approach. We each have a Self and all that is not the Self are parts. Parts are autonomous, they have projects, agendas, missions, and sometimes are so self-like that they fool even us. An allegory to explain parts: A little boy is standing on the bank of a river watching the water flow by when all of a sudden the ground gives way, and he finds himself tumbling quickly downstream. He doesn’t know how to swim but at what seems like the last second he grabs onto a log floating beside him. He grabs on with all his might and hugs it until the water washes him safely onto a beach further downstream. The boy tries to step up to solid ground but it is difficult to walk with the heavy log. He cannot let go of the log, fearing he will not be able to survive without it, and yet he is stuck holding it. This little boy has a part that will not let go of the log because it believes the boy may drown without it. When we have difficult, traumatic, and confusing experiences we immediately learn ways to adapt in order to survive. Parts are our system’s response to painful experiences in order to protect ourselves from being hurt/shamed/embarrassed/disappointed again, and they learn to protect at all costs, even when it seems that it is wreaking havoc in our lives. You may know some of your parts already- the one that always makes you late, the one that makes you perfectly on time for EVERYTHING, the one that starts to panic when he/she doesn’t call you back, the one that makes you eat more than you intended, the one that is constantly pointing out flaws in your partner, the one that is constantly criticizing how you look… we each carry parts upon parts, some more extreme than others. Whether you love some of your parts (the hardworker? the dedicated friend?) or are incredibly ashamed by other parts (the addict, the procrastinator), it is important to understand that all parts have good intentions. Even the most damaging and dangerous parts. Learning more about your parts- Your anger, for example, may be like the little boy’s log. If you were to bring mindfulness and curiosity towards your anger (knowing that it has good intentions), focus in on it, and then were to ask the bundle of anger what it wants you to know about itself, you will likely get an answer. Often the answer will surprise you! Ask your anger what it is afraid would happen if it didn’t get angry so quickly. What you will learn is that it is likely protecting a young vulnera

Today’s guest is Dave Richo, a psychotherapist, teacher, workshop leader, and author of the well-known book “How To Be An Adult in Relationships- The 5 Keys to Mindful Loving”. In this conversation we explore topics found in his more recent book “How To Be an Adult In Love- Letting Love In Safely and Showing It Recklessly”, and his brand new book “You Are Not What You Think- The Egoless Path To Self-Esteem and Generous Love”. Richo’s approach, which combines Jungian, poetic, and mythical perspectives, delves deep into the Buddhist concept of loving-kindness. In today’s episode we explore the whys and the hows of egoless love in the context of romantic relationships. You will learn key questions to help you assess your own ego balance, and ways to surrender ego in order to build self-esteem, address old wounds and fears, be fully loving in all of your relationships, and to actually evolve your capacity for love. You will be reminded and awakened to the ways in which taking care of ourselves is in itself an act of love. Here are some highlights, insights, and suggestions from my conversation with Dave Richo: Widening the range of love- The Buddhist practice of loving-kindness is really about expanding our definition of what it means to love. It is about beaming out love to yourself, those closest to you, those you feel neutral about, those you don’t even really like, and all with EQUAL force. This force of grace and power is one that comes from beyond our ego, and extends through us to all beings. We can learn how to love, which is important, but we can also work on opening ourselves to call upon this sense of unconditional grace that is omnipresent and here to help us. How to connect with this sense of spirit is incredibly personal and you must find the right wording, symbolism, rituals, and practices that make it your own. However you relate to this concept, take a moment to consider that perhaps by incorporating awareness of this wider loving spirit you might find ways to better heal during difficult times, feel connected to your partner regardless of what you think or feel about them in a given moment, and even potentially, as Dave explains, feel more fully human. Agape love: The Greek’s referred to this form of selfless, unconditional and utterly limitless way of showing love as ‘Agape love’. They saw this form of boundless love to be our own highest calling. Although the love we hold for our romantic partner(s) exists within the definitions of the Greek’s Agape love and the Buddhist’s loving-kindness paradigm, it is the erotic dimension that distinguishes our intimate partnerships from the crowd. Interestingly enough, the Greek’s also believe that erotic love exists in our creative pursuits as well. Therefore there are many ways to experience erotic love, and infinite ways to experience Agape love. Tending to the relationship through Egoless Loving: So how can this wide definition of love inform our ability to engage the challenges that may arise in our partnerships? Love is about giving of oneself without being sure exactly what we will get in return. If instead, our egos are leading the way in our relationship we may find ourselves using the partnership to assert and solidify our own ego purposes, leading to patterns of selfishness (and not the good kind!). The evolution of a relationship from Ego-ideals to Egoless led love: There are three phases a romantic relationship must pass through in order to achieve an egoless led love: 1) Ego-Ideal to Ego-Ideal Romantic Phase: In the beginning… two individuals meet, and their two ego ideals fall in love. Meaning that person you always desired is finally found! Stars, rainbows, romantic dates, until… 2) Ego to Ego Phase: The inevitable conflicts, big or small, begin, and the ego-ideals erode and you begin to see the other person as she or he really is (warts and all). You may start to see your partner as self-centered, self-promoting, self-ish, or maybe you just start getting really irritated with the way they do or don’t do the dishes, you get the idea… In this conflict stage, the goal is to confront the ego dimension of ourselves and see if we can let go of it in favor of a more loving response. There are many psychological techniques, communication tips, outlined processes, prompts and activities you can choose to engage in here to help address, process, and make it through this phase. Regardless of how you and your partner work on your conflicts, it is critical to remember that this is an act of love! When we commit to working through the tough stuff and putting in the energy when struggles arise we are showing ourselves and our partners love in action. This increases connection, and of course, trust. And it leads to the final phase. 3) Egoless Love Phase: Through successfully showing up for Phase 2 and taking responsibility for our own egos, a new dimension of love is possible. Now that our partners can trust that we are dedicated to tending to the partn

Today, we’re going to talk about lies. Why do we lie - ever? And while it’s easy to perhaps scapegoat people who aren’t telling the whole truth - as with anything in relationship - it takes TWO to tango - so how does the person who’s being lied TO help create the dynamic? Most importantly - how do you bring your relationship back into balance, so that you can experience the power created by telling the truth and being in integrity. Today’s guests are Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. They are two of the world’s leading experts on couples therapy and the topic of honesty in relationship, and their groundbreaking book - Tell me No Lies - explores exactly these questions about how to undo the damage caused by all lies - big and small - in relationship. In today’s conversation, Ellyn Bader, Peter Pearson and I discuss the following: What constitutes a lie? Lying is not an exact science, rather it occurs on a continuum, with several distinct types: Equivocations: Giving ambiguous, indirect, or contradictory information Exaggerations: Overstatements and truth stretching Understatements: Minimizing or downplaying aspects of the truth Concealments: Deliberately omitting information that is important and relevant Deliberate lies: Making up information, or giving the opposite of the truth (no versus yes) Felony lies: These are the big high stakes ones Why do we lie? The good the bad and the ugly. Lying always has a purpose, and is often resulting from a need to protect something. What is crucial to consider is the motivation behind the lie, and what in fact the individual is trying to protect. Is it their ego? Their sense of security? Fear of shame? In some cases, as often happens in the beginning of a relationship, lies may be told in order to HELP solidify the bond and create closeness (“Yum, the dinner you made was delicious!”). In other cases lies are told in order to avoid conflict or tension, or to avoid hurt feelings. We also lie to advance ourselves, enhance our image, protect ourselves, or gain power. While there are minor seemingly loving lies that are told in order to protect the bond, it is almost always more successful to protect the relationship through truth telling, as risky and scary as it may seem. Lying between me, myself, and I: There is an enormous amount of self deception in most relationships, and let’s be honest, in our lives in general. Everyone, whether currently coupled or not, can take time to ask: Am I really telling myself the truth about my own experience? How well do I know myself? How much am I able to communicate what I know about myself? These questions are incredibly potent to hold as a relationship begins to unfold. In the honeymoon phase, or what Bader refers to as the ‘temporary psychosis phase’ due to the plethora of neurochemicals involved with falling in love that make us “bonded and stupid”, it is very normal to lie. Mostly to oneself. Amidst the adrenaline and excitement of new love, many people do not pay attention to their own wishes, desires, or needs. Some may forget to ask themselves “Who am I really? What really matters to me?”. This is natural because when people first come together there is a strong desire to try and be the same. They may knowingly and unknowingly minimize differences and emphasize ways they are alike in order to prove compatibility to each other, and find alignment. This can actually be a cute, sweet, profound, and important process, however where it goes from here is the make or break… Lack of differentiation creates havoc in the long run: While it may be normal to search for commonality in the beginning of a relationship, a couple must begin to welcome and celebrate difference early on in order to avoid getting stuck on “the dark side of the honeymoon”, that petri dish for resentment, fear, instability, and ultimately distrust. Failure to differentiate usually results from one or both partners being conflict avoidant, meaning that they hold the basic fear that conflict will lead to rupture or collapse of the relationship. Because they are seeking security above all else, they are willing to overcompensate or over adapt for long periods of time in order to keep the illusion of permanence in the relationship. This begins by the conflict avoidant partner not expressing their desires, needs or wishes, and frequently includes lies by omission. This partner gives more and more of themselves, ignoring important parts of themselves, until they either collapse, become depressed, develop secret anger, etc. This leads to the next stage, the “Freedom Unhinged” state, in which the relationship begins to disintegrate. More extreme lying occurs, including the GREAT BIG felony lies (gambling, infidelity, etc). The stakes are high, and as one partner becomes more and more adamant that such and such is NOT happening, the other partner may even begin to question their own sanity. Often at this point trust has been so violated that couples usually separate as it is rar

Today’s guest is Sheri Winston, wholistic sexuality teacher, founder of the center for intimate arts, and author of the award-winning book “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure”. We’re going to talk about how the sexual energy of a feminine person works. We’re also going to talk about the female anatomy - and you just might find out some things that you NEVER knew before. Sheri also brings her knowledge as a midwife and a massage therapist to bear on the topic of just how we might come to sexuality from a completely different perspective. I guarantee that unless you’ve already read Sheri’s book (and maybe even if you have) you’re going to learn something new today. Here are the highlights from my conversation with Sheri Winston: What is wholistic sexuality? This is a way of seeing the sexual life force that emanates through us and around us at all times. When you’ve heard me talking about “the continuum” - this is it. We are always able to access this energy, and with our partners we are always connected, even when we’re not in the bedroom. Contrast that with “male sexuality” - This is the popular model for “how sexuality works” - and it represents a very masculine way of looking at sexuality. Quick turn-on, deep penetration, huge orgasms. However, feminine people have a completely different type of sexuality. What is feminine sexuality? Rather than a quick boil that starts at the center (masculine sexuality), feminine sexuality starts at “the edges” and heats up slowly, until the entire system is fired up. It can take a little while! So wholistic sexuality is: being able to recognize these different types of sexual energy and recognize where you and your partner fall on the spectrum - and then to take each other into account! How does a woman know when she’s actually ready to experience penetration? If you are “desperate” to have your partner inside of you, then you are ready. Anything before that and your entire system may not be quite ready. Also it should feel “completely fabulous” If a woman is “wet” does that mean that she’s ready to be penetrated? NO! In fact, lubrication is one of the earliest stages of arousal, but many more things need to happen in a woman’s body (along with lubrication) for penetration to feel completely pleasurable. It’s about the journey - so enjoy it! Did you know that women have as much erectile tissue as men? Along with erectile tissue that’s present all throughout the broad genital region, the clitoris is actually just the tip of an enormous clitoral network that extends throughout that part of a woman’s body. As an experiment, if you’re a woman (or partnered with a woman): See if you can observe all of the changes that are happening within a woman’s body as she is getting more and more aroused. Can you figure out where all (or at least some) of the erectile tissue is? Sheri Winston calls this a “herection”. :-) Timing is everything! For instance, there is a stage in arousal where the cervix gets pulled up and out of the way. When that happens, deep thrusting penetration can feel amazing! Before that happens - it can be painful! O1 vs O2...and beyond! How sensitive are you able to become to the levels of arousal when you bypass “Peak Orgasms” and allow your bodies to ride deeper waves of pleasure together, for more time? Arousal is an “altered state of consciousness”: And when you see it that way, you can understand why it can take time to make the shift, and why it’s an experience that can be deepened. Figure out what you need for yourself, and what your partner needs, to stay in and play with that state of consciousness - it’s a grand experiment! Here are some ideas for how to expand that altered state: How does changing the way that you’re breathing affect the sensation in your body? How does your state of relaxation affect things? Can you set the stage in different ways that connect you to a ritual of sensuality - to help deepen your presence, and ability to be absorbed in the moment? The power of sound: Making wide, open sounds can actually help your body relax - it’s part of an automatic response where the lower part of our body reciprocates the openness of the upper part of our body (our throat and mouth when we make those kinds of sounds) Set the container: Create an intention with your partner to close the space, energetically, to the rest of the world. That space and time when you are together is yours and yours alone, and other intruding thoughts/energies are not welcome. It can be a good idea to keep technology (phones, etc.) out of the bedroom. How to keep things “alive”: Be INTERESTING and INTERESTED! Cultivate your creativity and imagination AND your curiosity about your partner’s experience. Eye contact and kissing with tongue: Both magnify sexual energy and help induce the “altered state of consciousness” that we’ve been talking about. Dedicate Time - In long-term relationships, sexual connection “just happens” less and less, without a

Today’s guests are none other than Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt, authors of “Getting the Love You Want” - which offers a step-by-step path for you and your partner to attain a more loving, supportive, and satisfying relationship. In this conversation, you’re going to get to hear exactly how their system of conscious relationship works, and come to a deeper understanding of what’s possible in relationship. You’ll also learn about their “Imago Dialogue” - also known as “safe conversations” - which is a process that you can use in your partnership - or in any dialogue, really - to ensure clear communication that actually GETS you somewhere. An essential part of being in relationship is the path that it offers to you to become more fully who you are meant to be in the world. And to do the healing required - both the inner healing as well as what’s only possible in partnership with another person. On today’s show we’re going to cover some essential skills so that you and your partner can create a solid foundation for this healing journey into conscious relationship together. Harville Hendrix, Helen LaKelly Hunt, and I talk about the following: Imago Match - Combine the best traits and the worst traits of your childhood caretakers, and you come up with a list of the qualities that you are most attracted to as an adult. In particular, your unmet needs are calling out to be met by someone who also matches your childhood caretakers’ negative traits. Wouldn’t it be easy if you could just find someone who will naturally meet those needs? Of course! However, that’s not the way that our unconscious mind works - in order for the healing to actually occur, those needs must be met by someone who shares the same difficulty with actually meeting them! It’s a potential recipe for disaster (and why so many relationships don’t work in the end). And - if you’re aware, also a potential recipe for great healing and transformation through your relationship. Couldn’t you just try to hack your way around it, and find someone to meet those needs directly? Isn’t that what’s at work as we’re looking for the “right” partner? We’re looking for someone who fits an ideal list of traits - and usually when we first decide we’ve found a match - ZING - they’re perfect in every way. Nearly all relationships lead to a time when suddenly you see that along with all of those positive qualities come a host of negative traits that were also there all along. So as much as we think that a hack could be possible, there seems to be no way around actually having to create a container for growth and change in your relationship - to handle the inevitable challenges that come with the easeful moments. Is conflict a sign of trouble in a relationship? No - in fact conflict is usually a sign of a place where you and your partner can actually grow. Your partner actually contains a “blueprint” for your own growth and healing. It’s easy to look to your partner to see where you might want them to change and grow...and yet the first place that you should look is within yourself. Helen LaKelly Hunt offers the example of how she might have really wanted to foster Harville’s latent emotional exuberance, she actually learned a lot and facilitated growth in her relationship by learning how to contain her energy. And this created space in her relationship with Harville for him to learn more about being expressive. Why is this all a good idea? Now you are able to develop parts of yourself that were probably not encouraged within you as you were growing up. Harville and Helen even suggest potentially developing the parts of yourself that you are least attracted to in your partner, as a way of pulling yourself up the growth curve and getting in touch with the parts of you that are within you, waiting for their chance to shine in a healthy way. So if conflict is OK - then how do you know whether or not you’re in the wrong relationship? While Helen says that essentially if the attraction is there then ANY relationship could be the material for a lifelong, growth-oriented partnership (that has the power to overcome some big things, like chemical dependency, or infidelity). That being said - if you’re in a situation where your partner literally cannot take responsibility for ANYTHING - i.e. everything is your fault - then that relationship is unlikely to succeed. A suggestion: If you’re in a relationship that you think is in trouble (or even if you’re in a relationship that’s ok, but you want it to grow even more) - go on a couples retreat for a holiday or birthday. In a retreat-like environment even a partner who’s not inclined to do “growth” work might see unhealthy patterns that they’ve been contributing to, or get excited for a vision of what’s possible. Many couples have shown up to these kinds of workshops thinking they were done, only to get a renewed sense of possibility and love for each other. Instead of trying to find the right partner, focus on BEING the r

One of the biggest obstacles to being fully yourself in the present is being held back by the pain of the past. I’m thinking specifically of the endings that we go through. If you’re like me, you’ve been through a breakup or two in your life. Maybe you coasted through each one just fine - or maybe you collected a scar or two - or more. Whether you were the person leaving, or the person left behind, or it was a mutual decision - I’m curious - are there any remnants of past relationships that might be influencing you now, in the present? Are you in a relationship wondering if you should stay, or go? Or are you in the middle of a breakup right now? Or are there aspects of your current relationship that you’d like to breakup with - so that your current partnership can begin anew? Whether your breakup was something long past, or something happening in the moment - this episode is for you. Today’s guest has been on the show once before, back in episode 2. Her name is Katherine Woodward Thomas, and she is the author of the New York Times Bestseller “Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After” - as well as the national bestseller “Calling in The One: 7 weeks to attract the love of your life”. (I’m currently in her Conscious Uncoupling coach training program.) While the focus of this show is on how to have amazing relationships, I thought it was wise to tackle the question head on of how we break up, and how to turn it into a positive experience - instead of a traumatic one. We’re going to talk all about Katherine’s powerful 5 Step Conscious Uncoupling process on today’s episode. The main points that Katherine and I cover are: Your current relationship actually starts with how your last one ended. What from your past did you carry into your current relationship? Are there expectations of your current partner that are left over from your prior partner? Are there wounds that you have yet to heal? Fears that are holding you back? Your ability to grow from past breakups will determine whether or not you can avoid repeating past mistakes. Conscious Recoupling: The process of going through a breakup process with your current partner, growing/healing, and staying together in a totally new way. However in order to truly recouple, you have to be willing to go through a true breakup process. If you follow the Conscious Uncoupling steps, then you need to actually be willing to let go of the relationship in order to begin again. You could be in the “bargaining” phase of grief. If your relationship is truly ending, there is the phase of grief that you go through where you think perhaps it isn’t possible going to come to an end - so there’s a risk of going through Conscious Uncoupling with the idea that you’re actually going to stay together with your partner. Most of the process is meant to be done alone - so if you focus on your work, and your growth, and your healing - then you can assess where things are truly at as you wrap up the process. Why do breakups cause so much pain? They are considered a “rupture of attachment” - which is actually one of the biggest sources of trauma that we can experience. In fact, our brain processes relationship trauma in the same place that it processes physical pain - so no wonder it can feel so physically intense! How do you know if you should stay or go? It’s always helpful to get professional help in deciding what the right thing to do is. Also, one question to ask is whether or not there’s room to accept each other’s growth in the relationship. Do your values match up? Can you support each other even with different interests/passions? Get curious about where you’re at, and where your partner is at - can you look at what’s happening through your curiosity instead of your pain and frustration? What happens if you shift to seeing yourself as the source of your experience? One of the core attributes of Katherine’s work and the Conscious Uncoupling process is to see how you are the source of your experience, to take your power back from any feelings of being victimized by whatever situation you’re in. When you make that shift to seeing yourself as source and healing core source fracture wounds, then your entire perspective on your relationship may also shift. You can do that healing work within the context of your relationship - and it might inform your decision about whether to stay or go. When you see how a source fracture like “I’m not special” is running your life, and shift to a more positive sense of self - miracles happen. Are there negative messages at the core of how you interact with the world? How does that determine the way that you see the world? How does that shift for you if you invert a core negative image into a core positive image? How will your interactions with life and your partner change? STEP ONE - Find Emotional Freedom - The first step allows you to create a container to safely experience any big emotions that you’re having, so that you can then harness t

We’ve talked a lot on this show about the stages of relationship - I’m thinking in particular of the John Gottman episode, and the Terry Real episode - how almost unavoidably the “honeymoon” ends and then the real relationship begins. Would you like to know some ways to get that spark back - in a way that’s sustainable? Do you know what you REALLY want in your relationship, and I’m talking about how to get below the surface-level to the desires that will actually satisfy something deep within you? In this episode, we’re going to cover how to connect with your partner in a way that promotes passion - and we’re also going to take the experience of attunement (like we talked about in our episode with Keith Witt) to an even deeper level that you can use in ALL of your interactions with other people. Today’s guest is Shana James, a coach for the Authentic Man Program and co-creator of the Authentic Woman Experience, and whose site “ready2dateagain.com” helps men who are looking to have more satisfying relationships after experiencing divorce or painful breakups. I’m a huge fan of her work, and her ability to help men find their presence, women find their radiance, and to help everyone to connect powerfully in the kinds of relationships that they’re looking for. She’s currently hosting a telesummit for men to help them have more conscious, healthy, and satisfying sex lives - which you can find out more about at sexualsatisfactionsummit.com. In this episode, Shana James and I talk about: How do you figure out what you REALLY want? On the surface it seems like you might want one thing - an example that we talk about is wanting your partner to wear sexy lingerie - but what is the desire UNDERNEATH the want? The closer you can get to asking for what you really want - making yourself vulnerable in that way - then you might actually get your real desires met instead of surface-level desires. What’s wrong with surface-level desires? Nothing is wrong with them, per se. It’s just that when you get a surface-level desire met you might find that it doesn’t actually satisfy the itch that you thought you were scratching. When you get to what’s beneath your desires (like a desire for connection, or vitality, or curiosity, or adventure) then you actually have a chance to feel satisfied...AND get what you’re really looking for. What’s one thing that kills spark in relationship? Partners who have become unwilling to be vulnerable. If you can cultivate your courage in relationship to BE who you are, then your vulnerability can be an incredible spark enhancer! How do you generate change and connection? When you choose to be generous in your relationship, you are adding energy in a way that invites your partner to come forward and meet you. It also helps you ignite your curiosity - which is the antidote to boredom and disconnection in a relationship. What if you’re always the one being generous? How do you know if you’re just stuck with someone who’s a perpetual victim, or a narcissist, who just takes takes takes? One thing to ask yourself here is, are you being “generous” truly? Or are you being generous to a point, and then blowing up or shutting down when it doesn’t turn into getting what you want? How do you stay vulnerable, even in those moments? How do you stick a fork in the windmill of a repetitive relationship pattern? Shana James shares a powerful question that could help you change the direction - and also some other ways that generosity and vulnerability become powerful agents for change in a relationship. The power of true listening. Your ego might have a REAL problem with just simply listening to your partner. It could even feel like you’re “dying” in a way. And yet figuring out how to truly receive your partner is an amazing act of generosity that can keep your connection going strong. Shana James talks about Authentic World, Authentic Man Program, Authentic Woman Experience and...what is authenticity anyway? Does what you have inside match what people see on the outside? Do you know your internal landscape, and are you healing negative images of other people that might be “authentic” to who you are right now, but might actually be getting in the way of connecting in a powerful way. What are the different ways of being present? Are you being present in a spiritual way? In a physical way? In a sexual way? Can you be present with yourself AND be present with the other person, and their experience? Learn how to engage your connection from different places within you. Shana and I talk about how to reach into a connection with another person and diagnose where you feel the life and vitality within them, and within yourself in relation to them - and how to use that to fuel conversation and curiosity. Why is it important for your partner (or prospective partner to know the real you)? One of the biggest source of pain for people in relationships is the inability to truly be themselves, to feel like who they really are is goin

Title: Recipe for a Secure, Healthy Relationship: Stan Tatkin If you’ve listened to some of the other episodes then by now you’ve heard how so much of what happens to us as kids can affect how we are, in relationship, as adults. You can get into the specifics if you want - and there are times when I think that’s a good idea - but you can also look at the big picture of whether or not you had a secure attachment with your parents (and now are able to have a healthy, secure style in your adult relationships). Or you might find that you developed what’s known as an insecure attachment style with your parents, and now THAT is affecting how you connect with (or withdraw from) the people you love as an adult. Do you sometimes feel an overarching need for space and find yourself always feeling like your partner wants too much from you? Do you start to feel anxious when you’re alone, like your partner isn’t there for you enough. Well, guess what - this all relates to your attachment style. The great thing about it is: there’s something you can do. On today’s show our guest is Stan Tatkin, Doctor of Psychology, one of the world’s experts on attachment theory, and the author of “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship”. On this show we’re going to get to know the ins and outs of how we attach to others - and give you some successful strategies for knowing and understanding yourself, and your partner, and finding healthy ways to support each other in relationship. If you’re single, we’re also going to talk about the implications of attachment style on dating - and Stan’s new book “Wired for Dating” is coming out this month - January of 2016. In this conversation, Stan Tatkin and I cover the following topics: Wired for Love is a manual for how to feel safe in relationship. When we don’t feel safe and secure in our relationship it can create a lot of stress, problems with thinking and focus, creativity, patience, etc. And the long-term effects of stress can contribute to all kinds of illness and dis-ease. So there are very practical reasons for understanding clearly how to feel safe in relationship (both what will increase your feelings of safety in relationship as well as how to help your partner feel safe). What is at the root of your attachment style? Your attachment style is created by the primary relationship that you have as a child, generally with your mother. As an infant we learn very quickly whether or not our parent (or primary caregiver) is there for us unconditionally. If so, we learn to trust those on whom we come to depend in our primary relationship. If not, we develop an insecure attachment style as a response to the uncertainty that our needs will be met in our primary relationship. Insecure attachment styles: Islands - People who are more “islands” in their attachment style (the ones who need extra space) typically had to perform or be a certain way in order to experience love in their primary relationship. They tend to distance themselves in relationship as they are afraid of losing themselves within the relationship, or being co-opted. Insecure attachment styes: - Waves - People who are “waves” tend to be more needy and afraid of abandonment in relationship. Typically they were responsible for the emotional well-being of at least one of their parents, and so they were rewarded for being dependent. Both insecure attachment styles can be distancing: Both waves and islands can also distance themselves ultimately within a relationship, waves because they are afraid of being abandoned, and islands because they are afraid of being consumed. At the root of both avenues: fear. And both islands and waves WANT relatedness - it’s just the kinds of fears that relatedness creates that lead to wave-like or island-like behavior. Are you an island or a wave? How about your partner? We all have elements of secure attachment, and the different insecure attachment styles, but under duress you will probably veer more towards one than the other. And the way you go can change depending on the relationship that you’re in. Are you more of a “go it alone” kind of person, with the feeling that no one can do something better than you? This way of being is supported quite a bit in western culture, and can lead to being an island. Are you more chatty, interested in other people and relationship, very related to others, very affected by separations and reunions? Odds are that you’re more of a wave. No judgment! It’s important to know that neither of these is good or bad, they just “are” and affected by your experience. With an understanding of where you are, and an understanding of your partner (or potential partners), you can come away with a map of how to build safety in your relationship - a secure container from which everything else grows and prospers. These patterns of behavior only come up in relationship. So - don’t be surpri

It’s been 17 straight weeks since the Relationship Alive podcast launched, and I hope you’re enjoying the deep dive into how to do relationships in a completely new way. This week, I’d like to give you a gift. There’s so much value in new information, new knowledge - I don’t know about you, but my temptation is to be always trying to learn something new, always trying to grow. And yet, some of our growth happens not when we’re trying, but actually when we’re giving ourselves time and space to integrate. You can go to bed overwhelmed, or confused, and wake up with completely new insights. Plus rest is so important for being able to bring energy to your life and everything that’s important to you. So this week, rather than giving you another interview with another amazing guest, I’m inviting you to spend some time integrating. This is an opportunity to spend time with the important people in your life - your partner, your family, your friends - and, most importantly, yourself! You could simply let everything that you’ve heard in the past 17 episodes of the podcast wash over you - and see what percolates out in your interactions with the world. Or it could mean taking some space to reflect. What have you learned about yourself, about yourself in relationship? What are some new questions to help fuel your growth over the coming weeks, months and years? What kind of relationship would you like for yourself - and can you develop a solid sense of what it would feel like to be in that? In terms of the podcast, maybe there’s an episode that really made an impression on you that you’d like to listen to again? Or maybe there’s one you haven’t had a chance to listen to yet? Now’s your chance! If you really, really, REALLY want something new, my partner Chloe and I put together a free meditation to help you harness the energy of any emotional pain that you’re experiencing in your life to discover new possibility. It’s on our new website - if you want a sneak peak, you can visit http://www.thenewloveparadigm.com or simply text the word “POSSIBLE” to the number 33444 and follow the instructions to download the meditation. It’s our gift to you this holiday season, or whenever you happen to be listening to this episode. There are exciting things coming in the year ahead. New episodes with amazing guests, the book that Chloe and I have been working on will be coming out, and some even bigger projects that I’ll be telling you about as they take shape. Meanwhile - I’d love to hear from you. If you have a chance, drop me a line at neilius at neilsattin dot com and let me know what’s been really helpful for you on the podcast, what you’d like more of, and what you’d like less of. Or if you have any stories about some specific change that’s happened I’d love to hear them. Lately I’ve been hearing more and more about just how much Relationship Alive has been helping people in their relationships - and I can’t tell you how much it helps me stay fired up about my mission with this podcast - to help you be able to do relationship better and be yourself more fully in relationship and in life in general. Thanks so much for listening, and I’ll see you next week with another new episode. Take care, and enjoy your week!

I wanted to put together something a little different for you today. You probably don’t know (yet) that I spent some time learning the art of physical comedy - you might call it “clown school” - at the Celebration Barn, here in South Paris, Maine. Looking back on the 15 years since then, it’s remarkable how many things I learned, about being present, about being a “yes,” and about rolling with whatever happens - that actually apply in real life. I mean, it only makes sense, right - otherwise why would theater and comedy, good theater and comedy, be so compelling? In the words of Will Shakespeare: All the world’s a stage - and today’s guest is going to help you see how to use that to your advantage in life, and in your relationship! First let me ask you - what do you do to keep things playful with your partner? Are you inadvertently sabotaging the flow of good feelings, good energy, and goodwill in the way that you interact with each other? Is it possible that your fear of making mistakes is getting in the way of being fully there, in the moment? Today’s guest is going to talk about how to get over whatever fear is there so that you and your partner can keep building and growing in your connection. Our guest’s name is Patti Stiles, and she is one of the world’s foremost experts on the art of improvisational theater. She studied directly with Keith Johnstone, author of the book "Impro", at the Loose Moose Theater, and has been working professionally acting, teaching, directing all over the world - since 1983. In today’s conversation, we’re going to talk about how to foster trust, acceptance, and playfulness in your relationship - so that once you see your life as a great work of improvisation - you’ll be able to do it...better! Patti discusses the following topics: What is good improvisation? Does bad improvisation exist? Funny improv vs. reflective improv Improvisation and real-life overlap in many areas Realize it’s ok to make mistakes-this reduces fear and anxiety It’s a challenge to help people overcome the fear of failure Our partners are always making bids for our attention. Being a “Yes,” being neutral, blocking—what do they look like? What if you don’t want to be a YES? Teaching improvisation is teaching to be present. “Make your partner look good.” The dilemma for a teacher/performer when students are glued to their cell phones We don’t value the present moment in society today. How you are isn’t equal to what you’re doing. Sometimes doing something playful and joyous can bring the person back to the present. Being creative can help overcome the boring routine. Couples who are “stuck” usually think they themselves are boring. When a relationship becomes “all about me,” then the focus is no longer on the story or the present. There are exercises you can do to help your partner look good, like “Yes, let’s!” Learn to use the “Happy Nope.” Contribute value to your partner’s world by inspiring their joy. Is there a playful way to interrupt a partner’s assumption about me? Improvisation seeks to bring people into places of trust, acceptance, and play. How to use the negative/positive list Resources: www.pattistiles.com www.neilsattin.com/improv Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

What does it take to have a relationship that can thrive well into your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond? What are the best ways to FIND a conscious relationship? Or to shift your current relationship into a place of being energized for what’s possible? And have you ever wondered why it can be so easy to blame someone else in an argument - and if there’s any way to eradicate criticism and blame from your relationship once and for all? Today’s guest is none other than Gay Hendricks, co-author with his wife Katie of the classic book Conscious Loving, as well as the new book Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationships at Midlife and Beyond. Along with his wife, Gay is one of THE experts on how to have relationships that fit into the new paradigm for love - relationships that continue to grow and be a source of inspiration both within the partnership, but also for the communities surrounding the relationship. He has been a leader in the field of relationship transformation for over 45 years - and has appeared on Oprah, 48 Hours, CNN, and...today he is here on Relationship Alive. Take a listen! My conversation with Gay covers the following topics: Conscious Loving Ever After, his new book with his wife Katie (or Kathlyn) Hendriks, picks up where their original Conscious Loving (1992) left off. What does it take to have a thriving relationship into midlife and beyond? Are you taking into account your stage of adult development in your relationship? Does your relationship reinforce where you’re at in life? Even if you’re in your 20s or 30s, are you setting yourself up for long-term success in your life and relationship? How do you find a partner for a conscious relationship, or shift your current relationship to a conscious relationship? Step One is getting really clear on what you want in your relationship. What would you want to be committed to? What would you want your partner to be committed to? In our conversation, Gay recounts the steps he took on his personal journey to a “conscious loving” relationship with his wife, Katie. He crafted a “prayer to the universe” - a list detailing EXACTLY what he wanted in a relationship. Step Two is to be clear about what you absolutely DON’T want. Gay had created a list of the three “must haves” and the three “must not haves”. Step Three: After you’ve created your list of Three Absolute Yesses and Three Absolute Nos in your relationship, the next step is to set a clear intention (some might call it a “prayer” - but you’re at least making a clear commitment to yourself) that you will NOT settle for less. That you are perfectly fine being single rather than settling. Are you ok being alone? At this point it’s worth mentioning that if you’re NOT ok with being alone...what’s up? I’m not saying that you have to be ALONE alone, living like a hermit in some cave. Why not enjoy your community and your friends to the fullest, and the way that you can create intimacy with them, the way that your life and creative spark is (hopefully) supported by them, and let THAT send ripples out into the world (which has a good chance of leading you and your future partner to cross paths)? What are the core commitments for a lifelong conscious relationship? A commitment to honesty and integrity A commitment to creative growth A commitment to taking personal responsibility (no blame and criticism) Are there any that you would add here? What feelings come up for you as you make your list of musts and must-nots? In making a “list” of requirements, it’s important to acknowledge the feelings involved in each item: fear, sadness, despair, pain, love, excitement, etc. Can you feel those feelings and have compassion for yourself? Loving yourself more opens up more opportunities to love your partner. Develop the skill of being present. To be “present” or “in the moment,” you have to open your heart, mind, and body and befriend your feelings. Can you be curious about your own feelings? Can you tend to the part of you that’s feeling them, especially the difficult emotions? Can you guide yourself through that instead of looking for a partner to do it for you? Are you committed to your own Creativity? Many people realize at some point that they have sacrificed their creativity to fit into some “role” in life. However, allowing yourself to do something creative every day, to surprise yourself, will allow you to grow the part of you that is the unique expression of YOU on the planet. The more that you can be more fully YOU, the more that you can more fully be in relationship with a partner and encourage them to be more fully them. Pay attention to how you’re using technology. Today’s technology actually brings more opportunities to be dishonest with your partner unless open-hearted communication is a priority in your relationship. Are there things that you’re hiding from your partner? Or are you letting technology get in the way of direct, face-to-face (and heart-to-heart) communication wit

You’ve heard it before - here, and elsewhere - in order to show up in relationship, you have to be able to show up for yourself. What does it mean to actually be able to show up for yourself? On top of that, have you ever experienced a split between your head and your heart - and do you know how to heal it? I’ve heard time and time again with friends and clients - “my heart wants one thing, my head wants another?” - but being able to feel like you’re fully in alignment is not only possible - it’s required for you to be able to be fully YOU in life. Today’s guest is Dr. Margaret Paul, psychologist and co-creator of Inner Bonding - and the author of the book “Inner Bonding”. As you’re about to find out, Inner Bonding is a straightforward practice - which we’re going to teach you how to do on this episode - that will help you heal the split between head and heart, and give you the presence that you need to show up fully in relationship - and in your life. It’s helpful for addiction and depression - as well as breaking patterns of co-dependence and jealousy in relationship. Margaret and I discuss the following aspects of her work: Inner Bonding is a technique in which you learn to truly connect with your feelings, your wisdom/knowing, and your higher sense of guidance - and to connect them all with each other. Not only is it helpful to be able to tune into each aspect, but it is also impactful to bring them into alignment and support with each other. The process brings about a feeling of total internal alignment and integrity. Many people go into relationships to GET love instead of to SHARE love, and that is what makes all the difference in the world regarding relationships. Inner bonding will allow you to feel full from the inside out. Through practicing it, you can fully choose yourself - and then be able to share/create more love with your partner. If you’re seeking love from your partner, that is a recipe for eventual codependence. In Inner Bonding, the term “Inner Child” refers to your feelings and your innocence - the core of your essence. This part of you is connected deeply to your unique potential - what you have come into the world to express. If we numb our feelings through turning to some form of addictive behavior, then we miss the huge source of internal guidance. Even a “spiritual bypass” (going to a place of spiritual connectedness BEFORE getting in touch with your inner child) can be ultimately detrimental to your being fully YOU. Your “Inner Adult” is the part of you that is learning and growing each year of your life. This part of you is as “wise” as your years and experience. And, just as an adult is responsible for a child, that adult part of us is responsible for listening to and tending to the needs of the feeling/innocent/essence part of us. As you will see - Inner Bonding teaches you how to access your higher guidance for wisdom BEYOND your years. Your inner adult doesn’t have to do it all alone. Through inner bonding, you can learn how to contact the part of you that is in touch with the knowing outside of the limits of your experience. In Inner Bonding, there are only two intentions possible: the intention to protect against painful feelings through some sort of controlling behavior, and the intention to learn about loving ourselves. The latter intention occurs when we are in the loving adult stage and can connect with higher guidance, love, and wisdom. It is powerful in opening us up to a high-frequency energy level. Since most of us did not have good role models for loving ourselves, so we need higher guidance. Why are these two INTENTIONS important in the context of relationships? If you come into a relationship feeling unworthy, disconnected, and empty, then you expect the other person to “fill you up” and give you meaning and safety - to “protect” you from these uncomfortable feelings. Frequently we also attract common levels of woundedness in a partner. As we become emptier and emptier, we become resentful and controlling to feel love and avoid pain. The main cause of relationship problems is self-abandonment and the controlling behavior that results. This is where Inner Bonding comes in. Practicing the six steps will yield love, inner worth, shared love, growth, fun, companionship, and support. Aren’t those the things we all desire in a relationship? What if someone says, “I’m not feeling unworthy or unloved, but I just want more sex with my partner”? If someone wants sex because that is how they create feelings of worthiness and connection, then that’s a problem. If you want sex, and your partner isn’t in the mood, and you can respond without anger and neediness, then that’s a sign you’re coming from a place of love. If you become angry and controlling, or feel rejected, then that’s a clue that you might be seeking sexual intimacy for the wrong reasons. What problems might you see in relationships if you aren’t inner bonded? There might be anger, guilt trips, and a fear of re

How do you get in touch with what you’re feeling in the moment? How do you take that a step further, and tune into your partner? And how do you take that state, and turn it into deep intimacy, connection, and...well...hot sex? And can you keep that dance alive with your partner even if you have children competing for your time and attention? Today, our guest is Dr. Keith Witt, Integral Psychologist, and author of several amazing books, including The Attuned Family: How to be a Great Parent To Your Kids, and a Great Lover to Your Spouse. His popular online course, Loving Completely, just came out at the beginning of 2015, and he often appears with Jeff Saltzman on the Daily Evolver show. In today’s wide-ranging conversation, we get into the practical details of how to practice what Keith calls “attunement” - and how it can help you resolve conflict, deepen your connection to yourself and your partner, and, if you have kids, be a better parent. Keith distills his vast wisdom from years of practice - he’s conducted over 55,000 therapy sessions with his clients - and he is on the cutting edge of how to take a relationship to new levels of growth, connection, and passion - especially when you’re past the honeymoon stage with your partner. We also talk about infidelity - why it’s a bad idea, and how to repair when it’s occurred. So - we’re going to cover a lot of ground, and this episode is a little bit longer than most of our episodes - but stick with it as it’s value-packed the whole way through. Keith discusses the following principles from his book and his experience as a psychologist: The relationship between partners changes after the birth of the first child. This is the premise of The Attuned Family. Couples who learn to reorganize their lives and their relationship to factor in the new circumstances and transition from the honeymoon stage will be better parents and better lovers. Keith discusses the stages of relationships based on evolutionary drivers: Lust-when you see someone and “want” them sexually Romantic Infatuation-a temporary stage that lasts 6-18 months Intimate Bonding-a more permanent pattern - and this is where most people either get stuck or break down. The goal of course is to move beyond this stage and thrive in deeper intimacy and connection with each other. Treat your relationship as if it needs the same kind of attention that your kids (if you have them) also need. Obviously it’s great to devote time to being a good parent to your children, and Keith’s book offers great techniques for how to do just that. The problem with modern parenting is that we often become dedicated to parenting to the negligence of our relationship. One of the foundations of integral psychology is the States of Consciousness, which include the emotions and impulses that we go through during each day. There are two categories: prosocial states, which we perceive as safe, using social skills and mature intelligence, and defensive states, which we perceive as unsafe. Characteristics of defensive states are amplified/numbed emotions, destructive impulses, distorted perspectives, diminished capacities for empathy and self-reflection. Basically, the brain is preparing us for “Fight or Flight.” Most people aren’t even aware of their defensive states, but these will accelerate conflict in relationships and will be toxic to couples. Defensive states will cause couples to withdraw, shut down, and avoid each other. Catching the defensive state and regulating it to a state of social engagement is one of the most profound skills we can master as humans. By doing this, we cultivate the ability to attune to ourselves and to our partner. So what is Attunement, and what does it mean in relationships? Keith gives the following steps to Attunement that must be carried out - with acceptance and caring intent: Be aware of the breath going in and out of your body. Be aware of the sensations in your body. Be aware of your emotions. Be aware of your thoughts. Be aware of judgments about yourself and others. Be aware of what you really want. To attune yourself to others, imagine the other person—what they are feeling, sensing, thinking, judging, and wanting. Many, if not most, of the issues couples have are perpetual issues that are never resolved. You definitely won’t solve them if you spend your time arguing about content. The proper process is to get attuned first, and then the content often takes care of itself. How do you shift strong “negative” emotions into being accepting and caring? There are two general approaches to the experience of emotion in yourself and others, which are to be either dismissing or coaching. In the dismissing attitude, those emotions are a burden, and you would ignore them, deny their validity, or strive to change them. In coaching, you develop an attitude of welcoming emotion and looking at them as an impetus to grow, make changes if necessary, and allow the emotion to shift on its own (as it naturally w

When was the last time you got really angry? And...how did that go for you? Was it a positive experience, or...not? And...do you and your partner know how to use your anger to foster growth in your connection? The reason I’m asking is that today’s guest is Harriet Lerner, Clinical Psychologist and author of the classic book The Dance of Anger which has sold over 3 MILLION copies worldwide. Harriet is one of the world’s most trusted experts on the topic of relationships, and her work has inspired countless others on the topics of Anger, Intimacy, Trust, Fear, Courage - you name it. Today we’re going to dive deep to talk about how to make your anger a force for good in your relationship. On top of that you’ll also get some words of wisdom that aren’t just about anger, but that are also about how to identify and change the patterns that are holding you back in your relationship. If you need help with understanding and processing anger, then join my enlightening conversation with Harriet as she addresses the following: Anger—what is it? Can it be useful? Anger doesn’t have to be a negative emotion. After all, it’s part of what makes us human and helps us define “self.” Anger is a vehicle for personal, social, and political change. “The pain of our anger preserves the dignity and integrity of the self.” In other words, when you’re feeling angry, that probably means that there is some place where you are ignoring your needs and betraying yourself. Many people use anger in relationships for purposes that aren’t useful. Many people get angry with ease, but they don’t accomplish anything useful with their anger! If anger is a way to blow off steam, but doesn’t actually generate positive change, then it’s not serving its purpose. Or some people avoid anger altogether. Another way that we mismanage anger is by AVOIDING conflict. This leads us to avoid any CLEAR statement of self that will “rock the boat” in a relationship. So it temporarily buys you peace, but at the cost of being fully yourself in relationship. And if you can’t be fully yourself, then you can’t fully meet your partner. What is the connection between gender and ways of handling anger? Our culture is more comfortable with women who are guilty, apologetic, and self-doubting than with women who are angry and want to challenge the status quo. Too often, anger is associated with feminism (“those angry feminists”) and is taboo for women. That all being said, managing anger wisely is a universal challenge for ALL of us, regardless of gender. The BIG Question = How do we transition from nonproductive to productive anger? Anger is a difficult emotion because we are wired for FIGHT or FLIGHT when we encounter most any problems. In order to turn anger into something useful, we need to become good observers of what is going on. The first step is noticing that you’re getting angry. Once you can become a witness to your anger, you are empowered to change YOUR part in the patterns that lead to anger being toxic versus being a vehicle for growth. What might you notice in yourself as a precursor to anger? Often, when you’re in full-on anger, it’s not the right time to try to resolve a situation. Can you identify the micro-changes within you that lead up to fight-or-flight? Does your heart-rate change? Does your face feel flushed? Where is your attention focused? Do you start to get defensive? In these moments, when you recognize that something is going on, do your best to see it as a sign that something within you needs to be recognized. Take space if necessary, to get clarity. Don’t focus on being “right” or “winning” - focus on getting yourself back to a place of connection within - and love/compassion for your partner. Learn to deal with countermoves and resistance to change in yourself and your partner. “Countermoves” are ways that a partner tries to hook you back into the old patterns when you are trying to change. If you have patterns in the way that you interact with your partner, you can prepare ahead of time for what they will probably do to try and continue the pattern. When that happens, can you continue to not take things personally? Can you stand firm in not being pulled into an old pattern? Can you do that in a way that is kind and compassionate? One challenge in relationships regarding anger is DEFINING A BOTTOM LINE. A “bottom line” is the place where your beliefs, priorities, and values are not negotiable. Can you define a bottom line in a way that doesn’t create an ultimatum, but instead offers your partner a pathway for change? What if you don’t know what your bottom line is? It takes courage to acknowledge that you aren’t clear about how to proceed, and to not know what your position actually is. Sometimes it’s ok NOT to do anything! What are the roots of change in your relationship? Change comes in small steps, so don’t expect immediate and dramatic results (although they do sometimes happen!). Change is made of courageous acts instead of blaming

Today I’d like to have a conversation about a topic that’s a little dicey for some of us. Do you or your partner use pornography? What place, if any, does it have in your relationship? Is it helpful? Is it creating conflict? Is it possible that it’s having an influence on your relationship and you don’t even know about it? Today my guest is Gary Wilson, from YourBrainonPorn.com, and author of the book “Your Brain on Porn”. Rather than talking about whether or not porn is good, bad, or healthy - we’re going to talk about the effects of porn use on your brain - what can happen when you or your partner uses porn - and what can shift when you remove porn from your life. We’re also going to cover how to know if porn is having a secret impact on your relationship, how to have compassion for those who are affected by it, and how to get it out of your life. As for me, I’m curious - not so much about the rightness or wrongness of it - but about what porn does to you and your biochemistry. Is it helping you? Or not? And once you learn about what it does, you might be inclined to find a way to remove it once and for all. We all know that porn has become pervasive and woven its way into our culture, primarily by way of the internet. The use of porn tends to have negative effects on individuals - and, by extension, their relationships, and Gary is here to discuss exactly what is happening with your body’s chemistry as opposed to approaching the subject from a religious or moral perspective. Highlights of my conversation with Gary Wilson: Gary never set out to become an expert in this field. Several years ago, men started posting on his wife’s website forum (which was about relationships) about their porn addictions and the problems that were occurring as a result. Many of the men experienced sexual dysfunction, but they noticed that when they gave up the porn that they had better sexual function, better relationships, and better emotional health. Gary was resistant and did not want to address the subject because of the ramifications and the stigma attached to it, but he felt compelled to write articles and get the word out. He then realized the magnitude of the problem of pornography because of the widespread interest in his articles and the website he created in 2010. Even though almost all of the recovery stories are from men, many women are affected by porn either directly or indirectly, through problems with their partners’ addictions. Gary’s work addresses porn from the perspective of the biochemical effect in the brain. The reward circuit of the brain runs on dopamine and is most highly activated by the things that ensure the survival of you and your genes. Food, sex, achievement, taking risks, and novelty are just a few of the things that make dopamine levels rise and say, “Do that again!” So what is it about internet porn that makes it so addictive? Internet porn is “the perfect storm” that raises dopamine and hits us in our primitive reward center. It combines novelty and sex in a way that is almost irresistible to your brain. The curiosity, shock, surprise, and searching qualities of internet porn all work to raise dopamine levels in the brain - tapping into an innate circuitry that was already there to be exploited. Internet porn is a “supernormal stimulus” that appeals to us far more than normal stimuli. Think of junk foods vs. the whole foods that the hunter-gatherer lifestyle consumes. The added salt and sugar in junk food stimulates the reward center and tells us to over-consume. In the same way, the unnatural sexual stimuli provided by internet porn make its users easily addicted and captivated by it. Porn addiction results in the same kinds of changes in the brain that occur in drug addiction. There are several reputable studies that prove this. The changes are all due to high levels of dopamine over long periods of time and include less gray matter in the reward center, less sexual arousal, and changes in the frontal cortex. THAT’S RIGHT - YOUR BRAIN ACTUALLY SHRINKS FROM PORN USE. Porn users can also notice depression, increased anxiety (especially in social situations), and fuzzy, muddled thinking. What can you do if internet porn is in your relationship? Can you help your partner? First, remember that porn has almost nothing to do with you, the partner. The user sees internet porn use as normal and part of everyday life. A real person can never match the novelty of internet porn, but a real partner can provide love, caring, and touch that a screen cannot. If the partner unplugs, then over time, they will become more sensitive to real interaction and relationship. Create a culture of openness in your relationship. If you can not take the problem of a partner’s porn use personally, it can be freeing for the addicted partner to talk openly about the problem. Gary Wilson has videos available on his website to clearly explain those biochemical changes that take place in the brain due to pornography and d

Does it seem that love comes and then goes away? Do you have the experience of being deeply in love with your partner one moment, and then the next moment feeling separate, or distant, or even carried away in a cloud of emotion? Well, we’re about to change all of that. Today we have part two of our conversation with Diana Richardson. In particular, we are going to focus on how to always “get back to love” in your relationship - a topic in all of her books - and the focus of her book “Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion”. If you heard part one (which was episode number two of Relationship Alive, and focused on her approach to tantra), then you know that she is one of the leading sex educators in the world. For more than 20 years she has been teaching about slow sex - a kind of cool sex that will completely transform how you experience yourself, and your partner, as a sexual and sensual being. She has written more than 6 books on Tantra, is the producer of the award-winning movie “Slow Sex”, and people travel from all around the world to take the Making Love seminars that she teaches with her partner Michael in Switzerland. You can check out her website, livinglove.com. Be prepared to learn a new way to experience your emotions, and a practical guide to always get back to love with your partner (and within yourself). Diana reveals that this material, her work, was born out of her own journey and experiences. She never expected or intended to write books and teach people, but obtained a completely new picture of sex through her lifetime with new insights and understandings. The principles she shares developed organically, through awareness and observation. Her desire is to help others discover how their bodies are designed to connect in certain ways and clear up much of the misunderstanding surrounding sex in our world today. “If one trusts the body and goes in with an inquiring, adventurous spirit, then all the answers will come to you.” My conversation with Diana focuses on the following aspects of sex and relationships: Flashing back to Part 1 of our conversation, Diana reiterates that when sexual energy is focused solely on the achievement or orgasm, then we miss the deeper levels of connection and awareness. Focusing on orgasm is pleasurable, but superficial. “There is a lot that can be engaged in and enjoyed while orgasm is hours down the road.” “Cool sex” or “slow sex” is a different way of having sex in which you are present and aware of your energy and your partner’s energy. This kind of sex can be a vehicle for healing whereas the sensational style of sex leaves us with tension and brings isolation and separation from our partner Diana explains the difference between feelings and emotions. Feeling relates to what is happening NOW while emotion relates to something that happened in THE PAST. Feelings stay in the system and become emotions. Therefore, emotions are basically unexpressed feelings. Why do we need to know the difference between feelings and emotions? Fights between couples are often the result of something not happening in the present but the past. Unexpressed feelings go sour in the system, lead to immediate disconnection, and become toxic—pure poison. This toxicity often makes us want to seek revenge, and we spread the toxins around in our environment rather than deal with the underlying emotions. How can we deal with emotions as they occur? Identify when you are emotional and then sort the emotions out separately. Learn to allow the feelings when they are present; don’t push them down and repress them. Emotions are an aspect of the past being triggered in the present by a word, a deed, or a resonance in your partner’s voice. Being emotional is not wrong, but not knowing when we’re emotional is wrong. We often access old tension in a state of fear when what we long for most is really love. We blame each other and are not able to look each other in the eyes. We say, “I’m right, and you’re wrong,” or “You always . . .” or “You never . . .” All of these reactions spring from some kind of fear and allow the past to impact and destroy the present. What are steps you can take to handle emotion properly? Notice your emotions. Admit your emotions. “I am being emotional.” Depart from your partner’s company, politely, and do something physical with your body to expend the emotional energy. The danger in not separating for a short time is that the other partner will be tempted to become emotional, too. Diana shares two “Golden Rules” from her book: Never tell your partner that they are emotional. Never put your anger on your partner. Let it flow through, but don’t repress it or it will become a toxic emotion. What can I do if my partner becomes emotional? Don’t join in. Understand that their emotion is coming from a past feeling. Abandonment is one of the oldest and most common wounds from childhood. It is easily triggered, so be aware that many emotions have their roots in some type of fear of aband

My philosophy is that relationships not only CAN be a vehicle for your own healing, but that it’s actually REQUIRED to do your work to heal from whatever is keeping you from fully showing up - in your life, in your relationship, AND in the bedroom. And just like we touched on in our conversation with Diana Richardson way back in episode two - there is tremendous potential for you, when you’re in relationship, to help your partner on that journey of healing - especially sexual healing. Today’s guest is Wendy Maltz, author of The Sexual Healing Journey. Her book is about how to recover from sexual trauma and deepen your capacity for intimacy and sexual pleasure. In this episode, we’re talking about how you can take on that legacy of pain and potential disconnect - and use it to build a more solid, loving, sensual, and, yes, sexual connection with your partner. There are all kinds of things that could have an impact on your sexual development, cause some degree of trauma, and be an obstacle to true intimacy with your partner. So even if you haven’t been specifically affected by some form of assault or abuse, this conversation is for you to find opportunities for your own sexual growth and healing. If you HAVE been affected by some form of sexual trauma - this conversation could potentially be a trigger for you. My goal through having Wendy on the program is to help you and your partner get through the triggers together, to a place where you can have deep intimacy, connection, and the kind of fulfilling sex life that is your birthright. Wendy Maltz is an internationally-recognized author, psychotherapist, and a certified sex therapist with over 35 years’ experience. Along with The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, which is the topic of our discussion today, she also has written The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, which also factors into our discussion. Wendy is the co-producer of Relearning Touch, a highly-acclaimed video guide for couples who are healing intimate problems caused by sexual abuse - and which is now available for FREE on her website. Along with her husband, Larry, Wendy runs Maltz Counseling Associates in Eugene, OR. Here are some of the highlights from the conversation that Wendy and I share about how to develop healthy, deep intimacy with your partner as part of the sexual healing journey that you can be on together: Assault, rape, abuse, and incest affect both men and women directly and indirectly. Statistics show that 1 in 3 females and 1 in 5-7 males are sexually abused in their lifetime. When you include the partners of those people, you start to see that this is an issue that affects many, if not most, of us in some way. Are you yourself a survivor? If not, how many people have you been with, or known, who have been? What is sexual abuse? Wendy defines it broadly as any action that dominates or exploits an innocent victim by sexual activity or suggestion. When you also look back at your own sexual development, you can often find places where you experienced trauma of some form. Someone laughed at you at the wrong moment, or you experienced shame, or embarrassment, or...any number of things could be the source of sexual “trauma.” Can you identify places in your own history that might need some attention? What are some common relationship problems that can be traced back to sexual abuse? Wendy says that reactions to abuse can include: fear of sex/withdrawal, viewing sex as an obligation, guilt or shame in touching, sexual function problems, low sex drive, painful intercourse, intrusive sexual fantasies, and dissociation during sex. It can also include hyper-sexualization - becoming overly interested in sexual activity. Realize that there is a distinction between sex and intimacy. As you expand into a broader experience of intimacy and connection with your partner, it can help put sex in a context that eases some of the pressure. This also helps to create a container of safety, which will lead to more sex, and more fulfilling sex. What feeds a relationship over time is the sensual sharing that takes place during true intimacy. What if your partner is a survivor of past abuse? What can you do to help? It helps if you, as the partner of a survivor, could be educated about abuse and its repercussions. It’s normal for you to feel in the dark, or isolated. If your sex life is suffering, traditional approaches for “spicing things up” can actually trigger your partner (perhaps you’ve experienced that?). Don’t look at your problem as one of needing to spark more desire - see it as a path towards building a container that’s safe enough for you to explore together. This isn’t to say that, if you’re the partner of someone who has suffered sexual trauma, that you should deny your own desires. Learning how to communicate about your desire in a way that owns it and does not make it your partner’s “problem” can lead to productive conv

For this episode, we’re going to focus on something extremely simple and practical - the importance of questions. How well do you know your partner? If you say you know them well, are you sure that you’re not actually making assumptions about them? And how do you cultivate your curiosity in a way that keeps your relationship fresh, instead of stuck in the same old patterns? My guest today is Susan Piver, NY Times bestselling author of The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do. This book came out of the personal experience of talking to her boyfriend (now her husband) about getting married. She contemplated the commitment: How do I make the commitment? How can I honor the commitment? She proceeded to the bookstore to find help but found NOTHING on the subject. The idea for her book was born. Susan realized that most failed relationships didn’t fail for lack of love, but for lack of ability to build a life together that both partners loved. The questions that she poses in her book are based around helping a couple get to know each other (and themselves) in various areas of life. The questions themselves are not complicated - they’re quite simple, in fact! What makes them the “Hard” questions is that answering them will require you to get really clear about who you are, and who your partner is. Susan discusses the following topics from her book: The 100 Essential Questions are pragmatic and limited to the important things that some people argue about in real life—the places of potential disconnect. She finds that it’s best to not worry so much about hypothetical questions like “what would you do if you were on Mars and only had a plunger and a rowboat?” - but to focus more on simple questions like “If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?” - deceptively simple, right? Susan’s questions are basic and without philosophy. More examples include: Do we eat meals together? If so, which ones? What if one of us is attracted to someone else, either superficially or deeply? The purpose of these questions is to help you reflect on your experience and your partner’s experience. They can prevent entering into a committed relationship based on those assumptions that we are tempted to make. Don’t make assumptions! Tackle the hard questions! As you address the questions, you do not have to have the same answers as your partner. You may disagree about some answers or not know how to answer in some cases. Your goal is to answer as honestly as possible. Or, if your partner is answering, can you listen as openly as possible? Can you put aside your own judgments? If your partner’s answer is leading you to experience certain emotions, can you notice them and set them aside, for the moment? Focus on really trying to GET your partner. First of all, do you even understand what they’re saying? Reflect back to them the answer that you’re hearing to see if they confirm that you are hearing them accurately. You could then see if you can come to understand WHY they are answering in that particular way. Some questions are considered “deal-breakers” and could cause the relationship to end. Do you want to have children? What religion, if any, do you practice? Where would you like to live? Identify for yourself which questions represent deal-breakers, and which ones simply represent a place where you may have a conversation that evolves over time. Be careful of issuing ultimatums because there is nowhere left for that conversation to go. Remember, even “unsolvable” problems can be worked out over time with understanding and development. Susan shares great personal examples from her own experience and how she and her husband handled those issues. There is a contrast to “being in love” and “acting lovingly.” From Susan’s perspective, you can’t commit to loving someone always because love is an emotion that is changeable. You CAN commit fully, completely, and honestly to acting lovingly toward that person. That means being open, caring, and willing to share with that person. You can accomplish those acts of love even when you don’t feel “in love.” Acting “as if” will actually help you nurture feelings of loving and cherishing your partner even in those moments when you don’t feel “in love.” Susan speaks of the contrast between Projecting and Hearing, especially regarding answering the hard questions. When projecting occurs, the result will probably be a fight. The less you critique and try to change your partner, the better off you will be, and you will hear them better. Be honest about your fears and uncertainties. Own your discomfort about certain issues. A good practice when your partner’s answer triggers you is to get clarity by saying something like “I’m telling myself a story that you are saying such-and-such, and I’m making that mean such-and-such. Is that true?” What’s great about that language is that it helps you see that you are ALWAYS telling yourself a story

Are you looking for ways to breathe new life into your relationship? In today’s episode, we’re exploring the power of integrity to heal problems and generate passion in your connection with your partner. What does it mean to be honest? What are you actually committed to in your relationship? How do you turn a major problem - for instance, infidelity - into a catalyst for growth and even deeper intimacy? My guest today is Katie Hendricks, co-author of the book Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment. Having worked with thousands of couples with her partner, Gay Hendricks, Katie is experienced in helping you make the shift towards a relationship in which you and your partner are bringing out the best in each other. There are some tough topics in this episode - and our goal is to show you how to easefully and gracefully challenge your assumptions about what’s possible for your relationship. Be sure to check out the episode! Katie discusses the following topics: Conscious Loving means to be awake and engaged, with a free choice to communicate clearly and authentically about feelings. How do you bring out the best in your partner? Do you want your partner to be their biggest and brightest self in the world? Where does that idea create fear in you, and is it getting in the way of your being able to encourage your partner? Along those lines, how are you choosing yourself as well? Are you allowing yourself to get smaller in your relationship? Are there different choices that would be more aligned with what you want to create for yourself in the world? How would you know if you are experiencing “Conscious Loving”? Are you repeating destructive patterns in relationship, perhaps that you saw modeled by your parents or other adults (this could be from the media and entertainment, as well as within your actual experience)? Are you caught in any of these “traps” of unconscious loving? Seeing a limited possibility for a relationship, having the viewpoint that relationships are hard work and require compromise, letting your partner get away with destructive patterns? Is your partner letting YOU get away with destructive patterns? A starting point for overcoming the traps is to come back to a place of caring and respect, for yourself and for your partner. Can you challenge these negative assumptions and patterns? How would you act if you were coming from that place of caring and respect? The Responsibility Principle is one that is often misunderstood. People generally confuse responsibility with blame and burden. Responsibility is being able to claim your creativity, and instead of blaming, you get curious and creative. Are you able to respond to what’s happening? Are you responding from a place of being curious, or are you reacting out of fear or anger? What about a relationship that has gone through infidelity? Part of being honest in this situation is learning to communicate about the pain and being in the experience of what that means in the present. Learn to listen, and both people should take responsibility for what created and led up to that event. It is time to re-examine your commitment - what are you committed to? What are the micro-commitments that you’re making to each other? Can you say goodbye to the old incarnation of your relationship, and re-commit to the new incarnation? In spite of the infidelity, the relationship can be even stronger, and commitment takes on a new meaning. In particular, both partners must commit to revealing instead of concealing. Look at all the times when you are tempted to not be truthful in your life. Can you be truthful in a way that is gentle for your partner, and for yourself? Whenever you are tempted to “conceal” - recommit to the path of revealing - revealing who you actually are. It’s the committing and recommitting that gets you toward your goals in the relationship. In Katie’s seminars, she teaches people to recognize the body sensations of feelings not being expressed and teaches them to open up. Can you tune in to what’s happening in your body when you start to conceal something? What’s the deeper feeling within you? Could you express that? Even a simple statement like “I’m feeling…” could free you from that pattern! Notice how much more energy becomes available for your relationship when you commit to speaking the truth about your experience in those moments! The point isn’t to be perfect - it’s a process that we repeat over and over again; however, following the path of Conscious Loving can help you experience more intimacy and fun along the way, even if you aren’t yet highly skilled at it. If fear is getting in the way, how does it shift if you see your partner as your ally? When you practice conscious loving, you will generate more energy to create with your partner because you’re spending less and less time with power struggles, conflict, and keeping score----all those old “games” that destroy relationships. Katie explains the “upper limit” problem in regards t

Are you curious about ways to build intimacy that aren’t about sex or being sexual? Have you had hints of feeling a deep connection with your partner, and are you interested to know how you might be able to deepen that connection even further? My guest today is Patricia Albere of the Evolutionary Collective, an internationally-known organization devoted to mutual awakening between individuals, and the development of a shared consciousness that transcends our individual (separate) consciousnesses. With over 40 years of experience working with individuals on their growth and personal development, Patricia branched out to explore how individuals could connect more deeply with others. Today we discuss her work in the context of romantic partnership, although the exercises that you will be learning could be applied with anyone - not just your significant other. In today’s society, especially with so many of us focused on our personal growth, there’s a danger of our becoming TOO individuated - separated from each other like islands of highly developed people. However, once you get to that point, you have an opportunity to connect with others on a profoundly deep level, by “waking up the space between you” and creating shared consciousness. In relationships, we’ve had a goal of creating an unconditional, accepting love. However, Patricia calls upon us to love in a way that also demands - where we demand that our partner show up fully, where we call them forth to be their biggest and brightest selves. One of Patricia’s practices is to align yourself so that she space opens up between you and your partner. It’s one of her Eight Principles and is called “mutual engagement” - being a total yes to the emerging experience that you’re having with someone in the moment. The basic practice consists of 30 minutes: For the first 10 minutes, one person is the questioner, who asks “What are you experiencing right now?” The other person responds with what they’re experiencing right then, in that moment - if possible tuning in not to stories about what’s happening, but naming the aspects of experience that are occurring right there in that moment. If they get stuck, the questioner asks again, simply “What are you experiencing right now?” After asking the question, the job of the questioner is to “place their consciousness inside their partner”. This is the kind of thing that will make more sense as you try it - like a nascent ability that you may not have even known that you have, but that will evolve and develop as you put it into practice. As the other person says what they’re experiencing right now, can you get into their experience? After 10 minutes of this, switch roles. After another 10 minutes, you enter a “popcorn” round where you each are tuning into what you’re experiencing - at any moment each of you can speak to “we are experiencing…” After that - take a moment to feel through where you’re at! This shared consciousness can happen with people who aren’t lovers and even with pets! You do need a willing partner to conduct the experiment. The practice can be a “big step beyond” the normal relationship and lead to a deepened, ever-expanding intimacy. You and your partner can take on greater responsibility and intimacy as difficulties and traumas arise in life—all because you share consciousness. If you have a strong foundation, for instance, you can try this technique when you are confronting a problem area in your relationship. If you have a problem, see if you can really get inside the experience that your partner is having. What light and understanding does the shared consciousness bring to the situation? Patricia speaks about “loving the truth.” You have to be a “yes” to what IS. Once you are a “yes” to the truth of your experience, there is an enormous dynamic energy available to you in your life. However, the moment you become inauthentic in your relationship, that’s the moment that you’re no longer in relationship. At that point, you have made the decision to stay separate and not let the other person into your consciousness. Hard to share consciousness when you have secrets that you’re hiding away - since you might not want to let someone in under those circumstances! Links and Resources: www.evolutionarycollective.com (Patricia’s website) www.mutual-awakening.com (a free 77-page ebook available!) Free Mutual Awakening Calls with Patricia Albere Patricia has online courses, holds virtual retreats every three months, does 3-day intensive orientations for mutual awakening, and hosts a year-long program that starts every January. Visit her website for details! www.neilsattin.com/patricia is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win Patricia Albere’s Mutual Trust course - a $197 value! Ou

Odds are that the way that you’re having sex is actually causing problems in your relationship. In this episode, you will find out how having orgasms is a surefire way to lead you toward getting bored of your partner, creating problems, and breaking up - and how karezza (or non-orgasmic sex) can completely change the dynamics of your relationship. Experience the increased closeness, desire, and feelings of fulfillment in relationship that will help you sustain partnership over the long term. My guest today is Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships. Her book is about how sex and orgasms affect your biochemistry, how it can undermine your relationship, and she also describes a way of lovemaking that boosts your bonding biochemistry to help you increase your love and fulfillment in your relationship. Marnia is a graduate of Brown and Yale and a former corporate attorney. She blogs on Huffington Post and serves on the board of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. Marnia is also the moderator of the website www.reuniting.info where you can find more information about karezza and evidence to support how switching to non-orgasmic lovemaking will actually lead to a happier, more intimate relationship. Here are some of the details of our conversation: When you have an orgasm, your brain gets the biggest natural blast of neurochemicals possible without drugs. The “ripple effects” of how this blast changes your internal biochemistry can continue for up to two weeks and affect how we view our partner and the world around us. Some of the ripples you might experience are: mood swings, depression, anger, irritability, mental fogginess, boredom, and fatigue While western society has become very orgasm-focused, other cultures have had teachings (many of them ancient) that advocate abstaining from too much sexual climax because of weakened energy. Now science can actually back up this advice. It makes sense in terms of evolution and fostering diversity why you would want to grow tired of one partner and seek out another. However, since we humans are in the rare 3-5% of mammals that pair bond, we have two competing bio-mechanisms at work. If you stick with orgasm-centered sex, then you are going down the road of habituation to your partner. On the other hand, if you practice sex that is non-orgasmic, you activate the pair bonding circuitry more and more strongly over time. When you are focused on bonding activities, you actually become increasingly satisfied in your relationship - and take yourself off the path that would otherwise have potentially led to your dissatisfaction. Bear in mind that there is a difference for new lovers, who are in the “honeymoon neurochemistry” phase for the first two years of a relationship. During this phase you won’t be as susceptible to the same pattern of habituation - but by the time you reach two years you are in danger of rapidly shifting into an orgasm-driven downward spiral. Marnia encourages gentle lovemaking and intercourse without being goal-driven and orgasm-seeking. She also teaches attachment cues or “bonding behaviors” that should be part of each couple’s daily relationship. If you download this show guide you will ALSO get a link to her FREE GUIDE on bonding behaviors that will foster oxytocin production in you and your partner. This kind of sex brings more attention to each partner’s needs, a stronger connection, more tenderness, lingering contentment, better communication, reduced anxiety, more energy, more understanding, and more balance in life. This kind of sex is also sustainable over the long term. If you’re in a more dopamine (and orgasmic) centered cycle, you will potentially have to always be focused on new ways to create more dopamine. Why go down that rabbit hole when your body already has a mechanism perfectly designed to keep you sexually satisfied and in harmony with your partner over the long term? Are you intrigued? I promise that you will learn things you have probably never heard before from Marnia’s practical explanation of these techniques. Give them a try, and please let us know your results! Links and Resources: www.reuniting.info - Marnia’s website Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow on Amazon Text PASSION to 33444 to download the pdf version of this episode guide AND Marnia’s Free Guide to Bonding Behaviors. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of "Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow” by Marnia Robinson. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook www.neilsattin.com/cupid (Marnia’s episode page on my website) Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!