Boundaries Aren’t Mean They’re Your Nervous System’s Safety Plan

If guilt hits the second you set a boundary, it’s easy to think you did something wrong. But in narcissistic or emotionally unsafe dynamics, guilt often shows up because you finally did something right: you protected your peace.

In today’s Thrive in Five, we’re talking about why boundaries feel so hard after emotional abuse, how your nervous system connects “saying no” with danger, and the simple mindset shift that makes boundaries easier to hold.

You’ll also learn a 3-part boundary formula you can use immediately — without over-explaining, defending, or getting pulled into a debate.

This episode is for you if you’re ready to stop negotiating your needs and start building real emotional safety in your life.

Your Next Step in Healing

If you’re ready to stop second-guessing yourself and start holding boundaries without spiraling, I can help.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container
Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust.
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✨ 6-Month Coaching Container
Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency.
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Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free):
https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts:
https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. What'd you think? That was me doing my sound test. What? And I feel too lazy tonight to edit it out, so you get to hear it. That's my sound test. Oh, my lighting is trash if you're on YouTube. Sorry. Sorry for you. My lighting is trash. I just put all these eyedrops in that probably are making my makeup a mess, but here I am. What do you get with Christie Jade? You get authenticity at its finest. All right. So today in our Thrivent five, we're talking about boundaries. They aren't mean. They're your nervous systems. Safety plan. All right? So if you feel guilty every time you set a boundary, you're not too sensitive, you're not bad at boundaries.

(01:20)
You're trained to believe that protecting yourself is wrong. And today we are going to break that programming. Yes, we are. I love a good cycle breakage, right? All right. So here's the truth. A lot of women don't struggle with boundaries because they don't know what to say. They struggle because their body believes that a boundary equals danger. We've been conditioned that way. I hate conditioning, don't you? For the birds. Let the birds go have the conditionedness. What? I'm making up words now. So maybe in your past when you said no, you got punished. This could be childhood. This could be previous relationship, whatever. Maybe you got guilt tripped. I'm all too familiar with the guilt trippings. Maybe you got iced out, the silent treatment or the straight rage, which we know a lot of narcissists do serve as a lovely punishment. Or you got that fine.

(02:26)
Do whatever you want. Energy where you're like, "Oh, great. What does that mean? That doesn't really mean fine." Yeah. So your nervous system learned. If I have needs, I lose connection. Let that sink in. We've been conditioned. If I have needs, I lose the connection, the connection you hope to have with somebody. So let me give you a reframe that changes everything. Okay? Hear me out. Maybe get a little notepad, write it down on a little post-it. A boundary isn't a demand. Okay? It's not trying to control someone else. A boundary is simply what you will do to keep yourself safe. And don't we? We all deserve safety. Can I get a what, what? Yes. We all deserve safety. So a boundary is just what you will do to keep yourself safe. It doesn't have to be about controlling somebody else. It's about what you're doing for you.

(03:32)
So it's not, you need to respect me. It's, if you speak that way to me, I will end the conversation. It's not you need to stop texting me at night. It's, "Hey, after 7:00 PM, I can't respond or I won't be responding." Okay? It's not, "You need to understand why I feel this way." It's, "I don't need you to understand. I need you to stop.

(04:07)
I don't need you to understand." So here's a simple three part boundary that works even with those difficult people. Okay? So the decision, number one, is I'm not available for this. It's the decision. Number two is the limit. This looks like I will not continue this conversation if it becomes disrespectful. So you've decided and you're setting a limit and then the follow through. If it happens again, I'm going to hang up, I'm going to leave, I'm going to mute you physically. No, I'm just kidding. Or ending this. That could be a relationship if it gets to that point. So going through them again, the decision, the limit, and then the follow through. And the magic isn't just in the words, it's in you doing it. I always say with my clients, you've got to stick to your word. You've got to be consistent. Okay? So let's talk about the part nobody prepares you for, which is the guilt wave.

(05:17)
We so fun because guilt isn't, it's not proof you're doing something wrong. It's proof you're doing something new. So that guilt, it's like a discomfort. So it can be like a withdrawal. You're detoxing from being the version of you that was easy to control. Remember her?

(05:42)
Right? And still might have some strings attached to her. So pulling away from that, it might feel wrong and uncomfortable, right? And you've been conditioned to feel guilty for not doing everything the narcissists want, being at their beck and call, right? All of that. So when this guilt shows up, I want you to say, "This discomfort is the cost of my freedom." This discomfort is the cost of my freedom. You want to be free, you're going to have to get a little uncomfortable because you weren't free, so you're not going to feel comfortable with freedom right away. It sucks. That's kind of how it works. That's why you work with a therapist or a coach, somatic healer, like yours truly somebody who gets narcissism and somebody who can help support you through the transition of being not free to finding that freedom and being able to live comfortably in that freedom.

(06:53)
It's a little layered, but you can do it. I promise. Okay? And then you breathe. This discomfort, this is what you should write down if anything, this episode. This discomfort is the cost of my freedom. You want freedom? You getting it, baby. All right? So here's your Thrivent five little boundary practice today. Okay? I want you to pick one sentence and practice it out loud five times. Out loud. Yes. I know. It's awkward. I'm an awkward lady. Welcome. Welcome to Christie Jade. We're going to do it anyway. So you can choose one of these.

(07:34)
No, that doesn't work for me. I'm not available for that. I'm going to think about it and get back to you. I'm not discussing this. If this continues, I'm ending the conversation. Okay? Those are some good, solid examples of boundary setting. And our goal isn't to sound nice. And I don't mean that like our goal is to sound mean either, right? But it's just to sound certain because when a narcissist smells the wobbly bobbly that you've been, the uncertainty that you have, the lack of confidence, when they smell that, they know that boundary's bullshit and you're not going to hold to it. You've got to first talk to yourself in the mirror, telling yourself these things, prep in, and then say them in whatever situation you need to this week, I'm not discussing this. You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be nice.

(08:38)
You be neutral. Don't get your emotions involved. That's a big part of the Gray Rock method. Go check out that episode of mine if you haven't checked it out. Gray Rock Method is huge here. And this is an example of it. It's a boundary, but it's also not taking the bait, not getting emotional, keeping it simple and clear. And firm, you don't have to be mean. We're not here yelling at people. We're not getting all lamped up. Very, very, excuse me, very calm, very simple. We're not adding anything to these sentences. We're saying, "I'm not available for that, " or, "I'm not discussing this. " Or, and I've used this one myself, plenty. If this continues, I'm going to have to end the conversation. I can even stick and I love you in there. If this is someone in your family, a family member, look, I love you, but if this continues, I'm going to have to hang up the phone.

(09:37)
That's it. Not me, not nice, just certain. The uncertainty, it invites the negotiation and we're not here for that. We've got to get away from negotiating with a narcissist. It's awful. Certainty ends that discussion. You're just saying, "This is it. These are the facts." Okay. And here's the little mic drop of the ep. All right? I love this and I've said this on here before, but I'm going to say it again. The people who benefit most from you having no boundaries will call you selfish when you finally get some.

(10:18)
They don't like you not having boundaries because it doesn't benefit them anymore, right? Healthy people respect your boundaries. Unhealthy, toxic, narcissists, whatever, abusers, manipulators, they're not going to like your boundaries and they'll flip it on you, call you selfish, you're cold, or demanding. Let them, let them. Okay? Your peace is not up for debate anymore. All right? So if you want support actually holding boundaries without spiraling, check the links in the show notes. There's all the fun little ways to work with me and there's a boundaries course. If you're into courses and you can come hang out with me and other women like you in my Facebook community, that is private. You have to answer some questions to get in there because I want to keep it a safe space. So yes, we're going to make sure you're a real human and all of that good stuff.

(11:18)
So it's just a couple questions and then you can join the community and we can have discussions in there. Meet like- minded people. And remember, keep that chin up. Let's do a little affirmation action to close this out. All right, repeat after me.

(11:37)
I am amazing at setting boundaries. My peace is not up for debate because I'm a queen. Yeah, you are. Yes, you are. All right. So just a reminder, Tuesday episodes are my longer episodes and whatever topic they are, the following Thursdays are the Thrive in Fives where we do these shorter episodes to kind of support those Tuesday episodes with a little somatic fun or like we did here today, maybe some scripts, just like quick little tips on Thursdays. So definitely do not forget to follow me on whatever platform you're on, whatever podcast platform you're on. Find the follow button and follow so you get notifications.This is like some good stuff we're doing here and it's not like a one-time job, right? This is ongoing maintenance. You are a car that is healing and getting fixed up. You're not broken, but you know what I mean.

(12:47)
And so what you consume really helps you. So if you're trying to heal, the more of this you consume, the more tips you get every week. It's like accountability for yourself. So definitely follow me. Other helpful podcasts. Make sure the stuff you're pulling in is healthy, healthy, peaceful stuff that can help you. Okay? So don't forget to follow. And I will see you on Tuesday for our next episode. Love you, bye.