Magellans at the Movies

Prison, it’s where you go when a simple disagreement between you and a particularly ornery spider monkey at the zoo gets more than a little heated and can no longer be constrained by a chain link fence. After the monkey’s tearful (but totally exaggerated) testimony moves the judge to throw the book at you, you’ll find yourself in a high-security hotel where early checkouts are frowned upon, your room is the size of an envelope, and the cleaning staff execute their duties with a work ethic that can only be described as unenthusiastic. It’s a bit like the American education system in that you’ll do your time facing terrible food, substandard medical care, constant threat from the more aggressive amongst your fellow inmates, and most of society cares more about keeping you inside than ensuring you learn your lesson while you’re there. Stepping away from super fresh and original jokes about how school is a lot like prison amirite lolz, I think we can all agree that prison is a bit grim, and how much more so when you’re forced to do the time despite not actually having done the crime? Such is the fate of Andy Dufresne, protagonist of The Shawshank Redemption, a 1994 prison movie directed by Frank Darabont that is frequently present on all but the most contrarian of hipsters’ Best Movies of All Time lists. Shawshank is stark and bleak, and occasionally hard to watch, yet leavened by an indefatigable sense of hope and trust in the power of friendship against which no cynicism can stand. The Shawshank Redemption is a movie every film lover should see at least once, and today, for the first time, Magellans at the Movies will be bringing in a non-Magellan film lover to help talk about it. That’s right, this episode we’ll be joined by Ben Neessen, best known for being tall and having red hair, and whose credentials as a cinephile are as ironclad as they come. With Ben’s help we’ll banter, review, and recommend to a standard at least three or four percent higher than our usual fare, so we hope you enjoy. Ready, set, go!Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/T3KWHX6

Nope. What a versatile, efficient word it is. Truly the Swiss army knife of refusals, it can be employed to firmly shut down the unwanted advances of belligerent drunkards, casually indicate one’s satiated appetite when food is being ordered, or awkwardly turn back the weapons grade LSD you’ve just been handed at your nephew’s birthday party for some reason. We’re not here to talk about why I don’t visit uncle Horatio anymore, though, we’re here to talk about Nope the movie, a 2022 science fiction/horror flick directed by Jordan Peele, either the savior of modern cinema or the embodiment of everything that ails it, depending on who you ask. You can forget the anti-cloud gazing message of Don’t Look Up (I’m assuming that’s what that movie’s about, haven’t seen it yet) because Nope is all about cranking the ol’ noggin back to get a good look at the sky and the extraterrestrial shenanigans unfolding therein. That’s right, Jordan Peele’s third movie is all about aliens, a scarier prospect than having your vacation waylaid by a surprise visit from your long lost twin but not quite as scary as meeting your girlfriend’s family and being subjected to their lame attempts to relate to you. Like Get Out and Us before it, Nope features strong performances, competent directing, and a story whose high-minded themes and focus on subtle foreshadowing and easter eggs will delight some and infuriate others. What’s that I hear you ask? “What did those loveable rapscallions over at Magellans at the Movies think about the movie? What are some similar movies I could watch? How do Nathan and Elliot feel about Belgian prime minister Alexander De Croo?” Well you’re in luck my friend of the strangely specific inquiries, because this podcast literally exists for the sole purpose of answering those questions as they relate to various films, including, this week, Nope! So let’s wrap up the description and move along to the main event! Hit it!Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/T3KWHX6

Allow me to impart a story to you, dear reader. Back when this program was getting started, I attended a conference in Dubai for exciting young creatives at the bleeding edge of innovation in the field of podcasts. After the guards realized my credentials were fake and threw me out the third floor window, I was wandering the city in despair when I stumbled upon a homeless man, sitting beneath a bridge in a pile of trash, but bearing a delighted grin on his face. “How can you be so happy sitting down here with all this garbage?” I asked. The man raised a mysterious eyebrow, dug his hand into his pocket, and produced a battered DVD case. Closer inspection revealed it to be a copy of a movie called The Dark Knight. “The Dark Knight?” I said, incredulous. “What does that mean? Why doesn’t someone just turn up the lights? And how big are your pockets anyway?” But when I looked up, the man had vanished. After I smuggled myself to Canada in a cello case on a luxury cruise line and snuck past the pack of moose in camouflage that they had guarding the border for some reason, I made my way home, where I popped the movie in, and then I knew why the man had been so happy having so little. For his sole possession had not only been just what I needed to concoct a bloated, farcical, and obviously apocryphal story for the description of an upcoming podcast episode, it had been an absolute masterpiece of a movie. Directed by the inimitable Christopher Nolan and released in 2008 to instant acclaim, The Dark Knight is the pinnacle of comic book movies: dark, intense, thought-provoking, and boasting a villain who represents such a perfect marriage of brilliance in design, writing, and performance that it is impossible to leave without feeling like you’ve seen something truly special. Now Elliot and Nathan will take turns gushing about it like the squealing fanboys Nathan is at heart, and that’s not even including the recommendation and banter sections that were THIS CLOSE to getting us a sponsorship deal before I got thrown out that window. Next time I’ll get it, for now let’s get to the episode already! And here. We. Go!

“Life in South Korea can be hard,” says director Bong Joon Ho’s 2019 thriller/mystery/think piece/comedy/who-even-knows movie Parasite. “Its cities are crowded, its economic mobility limited, and its toilets prone to expressing their dissatisfaction with all the (admittedly unpleasant) ins and outs of daily toilet life by returning the contents it was meant to consign to oblivion right back into the homes of their cruel human masters.” “Well, Parasite,” you return, “you certainly describe a grim situation, but what does it mean? What can or should be done about it? What deeper point are you trying to get across? And how does BTS figure into all of this? (No, seriously, someone please explain what BTS is to me, I’m scared to look it up.)” Parasite’s reply is ambiguous, a half-shrug and a mysterious smile, and depending on what kind of movies you like, this may send you scrambling for articles, videos, and reviews dissecting the deep layers of thematic flesh in which Parasite is coated, or on a different kind of journey . . . the kind that leads back to the video aisle of your local Walmart with anger in your heart and a refund in your future. But whether you left the theater ready to declare the film a masterpiece or having thrown up into your popcorn at the sheer pretentiousness of it all (or just having been inspired to write an angry letter to . . . whoever runs capitalism, Mr. Monopoly I think), your reaction was probably not one of apathy. Now, the movie-going Magellans for which this program is named will submit for your listening pleasure their own reactions to the 2020 Best Picture winner, their, uh, let’s say endearingly enthusiastic attempts at thematic analysis, as well as their best efforts to recommend a movie that is in any way similar to one that, whatever else, resists easy classification. Let’s do it!

Ah, middle school. That crucible of adolescent life straddling the divide between the sugary, innocent and carefree days of childhood and the more serious physical, social, and mental developments of high school (that other crucible of adolescent life). Herein boys and girls become . . . uh, slightly older boys and girls, and because human society has a truly alarming belief in the virtue of social bonds, it was long ago decided that the best way to shepherd all those mischievous scamps into the next phase of their life was to dump them all together in a big ol’ building and spend eight hours each day having depressed, underpaid and overworked men and women talk at them about how to multiply watermelon, what Gettysburg’s address is, and what kind of a house the mitochondria lives in. Or something like that. But shoving all those hormone machines together into rooms of varying size and resemblances to black site interrogation chambers is good for more than creating or exacerbating the odd nervous disorder, it could be a setting for quite the interesting, charming, and heartwarming movie, and Eighth Grade is all of those and more. Whether you’re a social butterfly who looks back at the friends and fun of middle school with a soft smile or your name is Elliot Magalhães, Bo Burnham’s 2018 directorial debut empathetically depicting shy, awkward Kayla in her last days of the titular education level is moving and inspiring, and today you will have the pleasure(?) of listening to two weirdos talk about it, exchange lighthearted barbs masking deep-seated childhood resentments, and create strained ties to other movies that you could also watch. Let’s dive in!

Jurassic World: Dominion, what a movie! Eye-popping special effects, likable characters, thought-provoking ideas about the relationship between man and nature, and complemented by impeccable scenes of tension that proudly take their place among the best feats cinema has to offer! Oh, wait, no I’m thinking of Jurassic Park. Jurassic World: Dominion is Jurassic Park’s second cousin, bitterly toiling away in the shadow of its more popular relative. Dominion is the 2022 conclusion to the Jurassic World trilogy, and even the most romantic of Romeos would struggle to call parting with these movies “such sweet sorrow”. In this case parting is more like speeding your jerk of a Tinder date home so you can get on with your life and drown the memory of the ill-fated tryst in a pint of ice cream. Jurassic World: Dominion is bloated, boring, unforgivably sloppy and about as tense as an elementary school play about the water cycle, and today the Magellans at the Movies will pass judgment on it (even though I think Nathan didn’t actually hate it but I write the descriptions so I get to say what I want) and hopefully leaven its burdensome runtime with the banter, recommendations, and general good vibes that has attracted tens of viewers to this podcast. Hold onto your butts!

“St-Star Wars?” I hear you say with befuddlement, “What a silly notion, stars are spherical cosmic bodies composed mainly of gasses, how could they be capable of launching large-scale combat operations against each other?” Ah, my unrealistically out of touch hypothetical reader, allow the Magalhães brothers to enlighten you in today’s exciting new episode of Magellans at the Movies! Truly no other movie can claim to be as ubiquitous as George Lucas’s career defining 1977 space opera. Every set, weapon, ship, character, sound effect and piece of music is iconic, and today, in what is the reviewer’s equivalent of an architect evaluating the structure of the Great Pyramids, we’ll be adding our two cents to the oceans of pennies that have already been spent on this cultural behemoth. Nathan is our resident Star Wars superfan, so in addition to the allegedly endearing banter and supposedly relevant recommendations expect an extended disquisition on the behind the scenes trivia and extended universe material that has accumulated around the Star Wars universe while Elliot . . . will also be present. Let’s get started!

Jury duty? Aw, man! I hate jury duty! So begins any number of tired standup routines delivered to tens of disinterested audience members in many a middle school talent show, 2000s sitcom, or grungy back room comedy club that doubles as a meeting place for the local AA chapter, but the 1957 classic courtroom drama 12 Angry Men is here to remind us that doing one’s civic duty is more than just a way to kill a couple weeks watching slow-mo replays of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s marriage imploding, it can often be a matter of life and death, and what a reminder it is! This week join the usual hosts of Magellans at the Movies as they look back on Sidney Lumet’s spectacular movie debut full of incredible performances, masterful cinematography, and thought-provoking themes along with the brothers’ usual complement of banter and recommendations. I can’t wait!

For the inaugural episode of the podcast Nathan and Elliot watched the classic Spielberg war film Saving Private Ryan. They discuss its commentary on war and how they felt it achieved its goals, with some help from some random review Elliot found on the internet.