Lifemark: A Made For TV Podcast

Happy Valentine's Day, yall! We got you a dead dad, some amphibians and a Brit with amnesia. Don't say we never did anything romantic for our listeners. We watched Smooch starring Kelly Martin and Kiernan Shipka, where we learn about dissection and fire escapes and love. But mostly dissection .

To kick off the most romantic month, we watched The Perfect Boyfriend from Lifetime. Spoiler alert, this movie has 100% less romance than you'd expect and like 300% more murder. Also, we discuss wifi troubleshooting 101.

What do Stephen King, Miley Cyrus, Billy Joel and the Marines have in common? This movie. It's Popfan from Lifetime -- a movie that almost used Comic Sans in its opening credits. We learn about lighthouses and paint and dead parents. And that's just in the first 15 minutes.

It's inauguration day so we chose the 1978 made for TV movie The President's Mistress, starring Beau Bridges and a bunch of Russians. Presidents and Russians? What ever could go wrong?!

Happy New Year, Lifemarkers! This week's episode is brought to you by the phrases "Glue Horse" and"Chunky Kool-Aid". It's a Hallmark movie SO BAD, even Michelle didn't like it. It's A Kiss By Midnight, starring Faith Ford, Dyan Cannon and Hal Linden

After all the mushy mushy Hallmark holiday films, we needed a palate cleanser so, in honor of Jesus' birthday this week, we watched the most religious film we could find on Lifetime, Bad Sister! Watching a movie about a murderous, YouTube obsessed nun is just what Jesus would want you to watch.

Of all the holiday movies we could have watched, we watched this one -- the least Christmas of all the made for TV Christmas movies. Also, its from Lifetime but there is no murder or teen drug use so color us truly disappointed. Its like a giant lump of coal for our movie viewing eyes. But there is a glitter elf so its got that going for it.

First, a quick announcement. Lifemark is going to be moving to releasing episodes every other Friday through mid January. We'll go back to weekly releases starting January 20th. But now, the good news! This week we watched Amish Witches! Its about.....amish witches. This is Lifetime's foray into the found footage genre and it is fantastic. And bad. But mostly fantastic. And Stephanie confesses to her fear of BOB from Twin Peaks.

Whatever happened to predictability? It came back from the dead and birthed this snoozer of this movie. We are joined again by very special guest Greg Mosley (@gmosley18 on twitter) to talk about the Unauthorized Full House Story. So come along with the whole Tanner clan! Danny Tanner brought whippets for everyone. No really. He did.

Hey Lifemarkers, No episode this week. I get into why here. But this, more than anything, is a thank you to all our listeners --Stephanie Stone-Robb Founder, Ear Trumpet Audio

Its the least autumnal movie with the word Autumn in the title. Its Autumn In The Vineyard, which brings all the excitement of a grape jelly competition to the small screen. But the good news is there is a lot of wine. A lot of wine was also how we got through this movie.

We close out the spookiest month of the year with the 1978 ABC tv movie classic Initiation of Sarah, starring Morgan Fairchild, Shelly Winters and Robert Hayes. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Carrie and The Shining and Harry Potter all morphed into one movie? Wonder no longer. Plus its got co-eds in their underwear.

We are well into our Shocktober celebrations on Lifemark, so Michelle and Stephanie get in touch with their "basic" side and watch Growing The Big One, which is about pumpkins. Not porn. We swear its not porn. And it has Shannon Doherty from 90210. And a Pumpkin King. And webcams. So maybe its kinda like porn.

We are well into Shocktober and what makes a better Halloween story than real murder, so we watched Lizzie Borden Took an Axe starring Christina Ricci. We finally found a movie we really liked. Only took 5 months but we did it. We learn why pears are the least convincing fruit and dig deeper into Michelle's true crime obsession.

On this weeks episode of Lifemark, we are getting ready for Shocktober and bring you the first of 4 Halloween themed movies. From Hallmark, its Midnight Masquerade. Michelle and Steph start to crack and are pretty much over this shit and want to crush the patriarchy that is everpresent in Hallmark movies. But this movie is kinda about candy so all is forgiven. Mostly. Also, how many times can Activia yogurt advertise in a 2 hour movie? A LOT, we guess

Michelle and Stephanie get real pious and unplug for a while to discuss the Amish movie Harvest of Fire, starring Patty Duke and Jennifer Garner. We also learn about amish erotica and Lifemark cat Dewey makes an appearance.

Is this a great movie or the GREATEST movie? Also, Michelle and Stephanie might have lost their minds after this one. It's Stalked by my Doctor from Lifetime and stars Eric Roberts. Yes. THAT Eric Roberts. Watch lots of stalking, lots of inappropriate fantasies and the most chewing of scenery we've ever witnessed.

Well, you knew this had to happen at some point. We watched Flowers In The Attic starring Ellen Burstyn, Heather Graham and Kiernan Shipka. We are joined by guest, Megan Sunday, V.C. Andrews aficionado and creator of the Trapped in the Attic blog (https://trappedintheattic.wordpress.com/). We talk teen sex and why it was probably a REALLY bad idea that we read this book when we were in middle school.

In this week's episode of Lifemark, we watch Winnie Cooper as a wedding planner, meet the oldest 10 year old in the world and learn all about the importance of spare tires in Perfect Match from Hallmark. We are joined by Jesse Cooper of the Turn To Page and Random Sampling podcasts.

Michelle is steering this shipwreck of a movie with guests Becky Wilson (www.wewritegood.com) and Patrick Hamilton (@wewritegood) of the Kill By Kill Podcast (@killbykillpod on twitter). Join us as we embark on a cruise through murder and infidelity with Deadly Honeymoon from Lifetime. Also, the rumors of Stephanie's demise have been greatly exaggerated and she'll be back for next week

Stephanie is joined this week by Wendy Mays of the Pet Cinematary Podcast (https://www.facebook.com/PetCinematary/) to watch The Rose Cafe, a Canadian made for tv movie from 1988, so you know its just like the regular American made for tv movies, but like 35% more polite and with free health care. This movie is the first of the Shades Of Love movie series so you know there are more of these cinematic wastes to come. Also, Parker Stevenson is in it!

We are joined this week by Clint Worthington of the Alcohollywood Podcast (http://www.alcohollywood.com/). We watched Cyber Seduction. We don't know how we feel about this movie. We just know its not great. Or even good. Also, we take a nostalgic trip back to what internet porn was like when Geocities was all the rage. Also, teen sex is scary. Fact

This week on Lifemark, Michelle and Stephanie talk Ladies Of The House, starring Florence Henderson, Pam Grier and Richard Roundtree. That's right! Mrs Brady is in a movie with Shaft and Foxy Brown. Amazingly, no one gets called a Jive Turkey. Oh and Stephanie totally cried during this movie and she feels just as embarrassed as you'd expect

From Lifetime, it's The Inherited! There is a spooky house and all kind of creepy townsfolk and they would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that meddling dog. Also, ghosts want to listen to you have sex.

Never has gluten tasted so deadly. We watched the Hallmark movie Murder She Baked : A Chocolate Chip Cookie Mystery with Sammi C from the Highly Illogical Newsletter (http://tinyletter.com/spockgrrl & @spockgrrl on twitter). We also try to figure out why how so much whipped cream could be used on one cup of black coffee Follow us on twitter @lifemarkcast and follow our podcast network at @eartrumpetaudio

We learn all about the Mormon hole, which is probably, pretty much, what you think it is. We are joined by Erin Gambrill, host of the Ladies Who Library Podcast. We also talk about what Michelle would do if she wanted to murder someone and the sexual advances that only a kitten calendar can bring. Lifemark : A Made for TV Podcast is part of the Ear Trumpet Audio network, which you can find on Facebook at Ear Trumpet Audio, twitter @eartrumpetaudio or on the web at eartrumpetaudio.com

Ya'll! It should have been better. Billy Dee Williams was in it! It should have been amazing. Instead, we are left with one of the worst Lifetime movies we've watched so far. We do get a lot of Costas Mandylor in this 1995 Jennie Garth film. We were joined this week by Josh Lucas from the Prefer Not to podcast. Give his show as listen at www.pntcast.com and follow on twitter @pntcast. Lifemark is a proud member of the Ear Trumpet Audio Network. Details at eartrumpetaudio.com

Happy Birthday, America! We got you this podcast episode about a movie that has about ttttthiiiiiisss much to do with July 4th. There is a lot of ice cream and a lot of bad music in this movie that has about as much conflict as an episode of Dora The Explorer. Follow us at @lifemarkcast on twitter and like Lifemark on Facebook. A proud member of the eartrumpetaudio.com network

There are cheerleaders. There are murders. Thats...well....thats pretty much all there is to it. Michelle and Stephanie roll solo for this episode about teenagers and curses in the way only Lifetime could bring us. Follow us on twitter at @lifemarkcast and subscribe to all the shows in the Ear Trumpet network at eartrumpetaudio.com

Ok. Time Out. We watch the painfully unexciting Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story from Lifetime. There's drinking! And karate! And $20 a week allowances. And not much else. We are joined by Greg Moseley and discuss the possibility of Tyler Durden as the 7th star of Saved by the Bell. Lifemark is proud to be part of the Ear Trumpet Audio network. www.eartrumpetaudio.com

We watch The Magic of Ordinary Days from Hallmark and the only magic is that we managed to sit through all 2 hours of it. We are joined by Ashleigh Hartman from thetipsyverse.com Alt titles : "I'm not fat, I'm just pregnant...with cake", "The least cool Beet Box", "Not Without My Dog" follow us at @lifemarkcast or email us at [email protected] A member of the Ear Trumpet Audio network

This week we are joined by Stephanie's husband, Dave where they discuss how important fresh fruit would be should one of them die, how to make the worst margarita, and just how many Irish stereotypes one can fit in a 85 minute movie. Alternate Titles : I Don't Want To Miss A Thing. Vase Smashers, INC. Not With His Wife (no really) Follow us on twitter at @lifemarkcast or email us at [email protected]

We're taking a new direction this week with a gushy, chick-flicky trip to the Hallmark Channel. A Ring By Spring may or may not have had us questioning our very sanity. Alt Titiles: "Wasting Away Again In Mozzarellaburg", "Carbs and the Jerkwads That Hate Them", "Lets Just Call Him Arnie". Follow us on twitter @lifemarkcast or email us at [email protected]

Our premiere episode! We watch the Lifetime classic Mother May I Sleep With Danger starring Tori Spelling. Alternate Episode titles: Mother May I Sleep With Murder, Mother May I Sleep With Jackson, Keep Your Murder Victims Close and Your Girlfriends Closer. follow us on twitter at @lifemarkcast or email us at [email protected]. Review and Subscribe and Thanks!

Welcome to Lifemark: A Made for TV Podcast. Each week, Michelle and Stephanie will watch a movie from the Lifetime Network or Hallmark Channel and discuss the films finer points. Learn about our first episode and what crapfest we'll be watching to kick things off Follow us on twitter @lifemarkcast