Eps 185: How to be fiercely committed and lovingly detached

Today is solo show – woohoo!! I’ve been missing you all.

 I am so excited to have been interviewed by some amazing gals out there in the Podcast world. Anna Seewald of the Authentic Parenting Podcast – www.authenticparenting.com/podcast had me on and we talked about building trust – both in ourselves and our kids. Loved every minute of it and can’t WAIT to meet Anna in person at her conference in May, the Authentic Parenting Conference – www.authenticparenting.com/conference.

Today I want to talk about a mantra that I have found useful time and time again. I learned it from a friend and mentor of mine – shout out to Denise Yost! – we saw each other for the first time in a while and when I asked her how she was, she responded with “fiercely committed, and lovingly detached”

Fiercely committed, lovingly detached.

 What it means to be fiercely committed?

• Creating the environment
• Meeting their needs
• Advocating for them
• Being kind and firm
• Encouraging them

What does it mean to be lovingly detached?

• Allowing them to be who they are
• Allowing for them to build resiliency through navigating natural consequences
• Allowing them to be uncomfortable
• Trusting that they are on THEIR journey
• Letting go
• Giving them responsibility over their lives

What gets in the way?

• Our dreams/vision for them
• Our past/failures/mistakes
• Our assumptions
• Our addiction to what other people think
• Our insecurity about “doing it wrong”
• Our emotional regulation (or lack of)
• Our lens of the “right/wrong” way

What will help us move towards “fiercely committed, lovingly detached”?

Two list exercise.

• Challenges
• Everyone probably has a really similar list – YAY!
• Gifts
• Doubt that you have any particular job description…
• What about “happy”?
• Can we hope for content?
• Can we hope for healthy coping skills and resiliency?
• Can we hope for grounded and empowered?
• Remember the challenges are at the tip of the iceberg – and anything we “do” with the challenges should somehow, someway, teach/model/or allow our kids to PRACTICE the life skills we want them to embody.

A bit about DO.

• So often parents want to know WHAT DO I DO??
• In the moment tools
• This is a narrow mindset
• PD is a broader lens than in the moment.
• TRSUT in developing relationship
• TRUST that kids do better when they feel batter
• TRUST that all humans what to be connected and know that they matter and have influence
• In the moment?
• Keep everyone SAFE
• Acknowledge your child’s experience
• Look for solutions and/or ways of making things right

They are doing the best they can with the tools they have in the moment.

• Just because they can tell you what they will do better next time during a calm moment does NOT mean they will access that when they are flipped
• Not about being naughty/bad – its about relationship, tools and practice

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