Eps 177: Casey is Solo talking about how we influence the iceberg

How we influence the iceberg

 Clients come to me to talk about kids behavior

• Battles over homework
• Power struggles
• Screen time addiction
• Getting out the door
• We are mega focused on fixing those problems

The iceberg- behavior we see is a solution to a problem that we may or may not know about

Example that we played with a few weeks ago in parenting class:

Child won’t get ready to go in the morning and family is late getting out the door

• Two options for response:
• What do I have to do to this kid to get her to cooperate?
• Bribes, threats, punishments
• What is happening for this child that is getting in the way?

 Go to the source

• Tell me about the mornings…. I notice that…. How are you feeling…..
• With new information you can make a plan together to support the child (and you)n in doing better

Transparency

• Rowan talking about the future
• Agitated, closed off, defensive
• Often my response is irritated that she cant “have” the convo
• We both are discouraged and the convo is over
• Maybe I am engaging the wrong conversation
• Helpful to know what shows up for her when the invitation is to talk about future
• What is the experience?
• IS it only with me or others?
• Might there be a benefit to talking with someone else if not me?
• What would be useful about having a vision of the future?
• Deeper even still
• I notice when this is the conversation you….. I am curious about that? How does it feel when…..?

 Sometimes our kids refuse to go there….

• How do we let go?
• What do they need?
• Recognizing/acknowledging our tendency to hold on/get rigid/ let fear or our agenda drive us….
• Mutual respect – respect for child and for self and the situation
• Honor who they are and their temperament
• I am ALL IN, lets go deep and swirl around and grow and learn and be super transparent and get it all out – don’t hold back. I process out loud and in the moment…. This is not the way of everyone, def not my daughter.

 Summing it up:

• Recognize how we are contributing to challenges
• Own it, and get curious about your child’s experience.
• Identify the ACTUAL problem
• Be an open, nonjudgmental listener
• Look for solutions (related respectful reasonable helpful)
• Be respectful
• Honor who you child is in word and action

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