If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

merritt reunites with John and Niki via satellite for an update on the status of the Artemis II mission (which everyone on the show was definitely aware of), a brief discussion about various use cases for pneumatic tubes in the household, the plot to kill the baseball child, merritt's first royalty check from Marvel Comics, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Apparently it's Elevator Week, so John, Michael and Niki discuss a number of topics relevant to the theme, including what everyone's favorite elevator is, whether you press the open/close door buttons, the Guardians of the Galaxy redesign of the Tower of Terror, elevators with various interior finishes, and somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Friend of the Show™ Michael Higham joins Niki and John for an episode of our audio television program wherein the gang discusses Niki falling down the stairs, various types of dog food, getting a burger after that big win, "fuck-ass food," the stagnation of western cultural development since the proliferation of the Internet, and yeah, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With merritt once again visiting the International Space Station, John and Niki hold down the fort by investigating Taco Bell's desperate new menu items, the contents of Niki's mail, what Enron was or did, the difference between then and now (money ver.), Niki's new health insurance, and folks? Somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks to the very real and substantial threat of legal action following our last episode, the gang resolves to never* do a variety of celebrity voice impressions again. Instead, merritt, Niki and John spend half the episode talking about the Scary Movie franchise, and then spend the second half of the episode trying and failing to move on to other topics. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Look, I'm not happy about it either, but there was nothing I could do. It doesn't last the whole episode, so please, just be strong. You can be strong, I know it. I've seen you do it. I believe in you, okay? We're all gonna get through the intro to this episode together.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks to his extensive Hollywood connections, John lands the gang a gig writing, directing and starring in a new episode of The Pitt. Let the brainstorming begin!Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm not sure how I feel about it, and honestly it's a little frightening, but somehow John, merritt and Niki spent an entire episode discussing a single topic. I can't remember the last time this happened, and truth be told I'm entirely positive that it's ever happened, but there's a first time for everything I guess. There is one brief but noteworthy diversion about Home Depot, but otherwise I hope you brought your knee pads.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

John, merritt and Niki have finally reunited, and the gang wastes no time getting down to business. What sorts of hammers are there? Do you know what a Munger Hall is? When was the last time that you, a six year old, went out for a fine meal? Do you get to watch it when they ... you know?? Plus a mega-sized installment of Scam Text Theater and, despite our best efforts, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now it's merritt's turn aboard the International Space Station, so Niki and John are once again tasked with carrying the entire podcast on their shoulders. Both deserve credit for not making any 67 jokes on this, our 167th episode, but probably not too much because I think they just forgot. Regardless, you will learn a lot about the slime layer, childhood debt, Good Morning America demographics, and beyond a reasonable doubt, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With Niki aboard the International Space Station for health reasons, merritt and John hold down the fort by discussing their plan for handling legal retaliation from Mickey Rourke, the current state of the MMCU (Malcom in the Middle Cinematic Universe), bringing Jimmy Stewart "back," animated fates worse than death, the 2008 film Jumper, and against the recommendations of our attorney, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

John, Niki and merritt recap the hustle and bustle of their whirlwind attendance at the Golden Globes, before moving on to today's docket of pressing issues, which include the changes we would make to the Star Wars franchise, how the world has/hasn't improved since 2018, Guardian Caps, changes we would make to the rules of American Football, Bowling for Soup, and despite the advice of our doctors, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

merritt, Niki and John ring in the New Year (in their timeline anyway, ours is accelerated) by going over new additions to the Public Domain, ideas about how to exploit the new opportunities provided by those additions, and then they just talk about cigarettes. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Okay so, full disclosure, I'm sick and didn't listen through this episode before scheduling it, so I have no idea what's in this one. We'll get to find out together! Isn't that romantic? Sit on the other end of the couch though, I'm really, really contagious and you don't want to be in the splash zone for this one. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

merritt is back and not a moment too soon, as Niki and John need as much help as they can get to navigate the death of Santa Claus, the return of the Burgermeister, David Carradine, other movies we should make in Fortnite, various Wills Smith, and through the power of the holiday season, somehow even more.Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.socialSupport us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.