Healing the Unresolved

How do we do the healing work if we are bedridden and have no one around us? Today’s episode focuses on utilizing our relationship with God and ourselves. So long as those two are intact, we can never be abandoned, and having those healing experiences can still happen.

When struggling with complicated grief, many of us may feel a sense of finality when our loved one departs this world. However, using the eyes of our faith we see that the relationship continues. The departed can still be part of our healing work. The relationship can continue to be healed, even though they have departed. Using the power and heightened sensitivity of the Nativity season, we can be even more productive in healing broken relationships, with both the living and the departed.

The silver linings of the healing work are many. One of the most beautiful truths, is that as we progress through the healing work, we get to keep all of the skills and gifts gained from our experience, but we leave behind all the pain and hurt. In other words, all the abilities and skills we learned as a result of our experience we don’t have to give up or turn in once we have healed. Indeed, the healing work truly transfigures.

Many have given into the belief that we just have busy lives and really have no other choice. We daily experience the effects of being on our heels and not being masters of the time that God has given us. We become stressed, overwhelmed, burned out, and develop a learned helplessness. There are many different factors that lead to us yielding to defeat in the face of the pace of this world. No one else is going to do it for us, we have to be the ones to exercise this healthy form of control and determine the pace of our lives.

Today’s episode focuses on answering a question by someone who is struggling through complicated grief. Specifically, grieving the passing of an abusive parent. Very often with complicated grief, we are not aware of what exactly we are grieving. So often, it is not what we think or realize.

Most of us strive to be kind and understanding of others. However, in this distressed world we might not realize how much can be at stake. Those who suffer the most often suffer invisibly. When we have an interaction in which we were not at our best with someone we know, we can circle back and apologize and make things right. However, with strangers out in public, we often do not have that opportunity. As a result, perhaps there is little margin for error. We have the power to create positive memories or negative memories in others. When we are not kind, understanding, or merciful; without realizing it, our interaction with that stranger could be like the Jenga block in their life that destabilizes them, takes away hope, and causes them to give up.

This episode addresses a question that was submitted by an individual struggling with a spouse who has been severely lacking in empathy, engages in chronic gaslighting, and has shown self-centered behaviors. Being able to tell whether such behaviors are just personality or defensive and protective in nature is difficult. We might also burden ourselves with pressure to forgive right away. This becomes especially difficult when the marriage dynamics remind us of painful childhood dynamics that we were subjected to in our childhood. This episode discusses learning to put everything in the proper place, so we can make the best decisions towards getting relief.

There are few things more unnatural then having an abusive parent. It is a profound breakdown in so many ways. Children and adult children are left feeling confused, guilty, and yearning and looking for that normal parent relationship. Furthermore, we may be confused by the commandment to honor our mother and father. What does that look like when the parent is abusive? God does not want us to be abused. Learning to set boundaries is for the protection, salvation, and mercy of all involved.

Today’s podcast addresses an issue that many people struggle with. As a result of traumatic or painful experiences, we often have unrealistic expectations for the rest of our lives. This can make it difficult for us to navigate and handle normal life disappointments, heartaches, changes, and losses. However, we have to reframe what these are to us; they are not the past happening again, and they are actually opportunities for us in our healing work.

Many of us may think that we have accepted that certain aspects of our relationships with our parents went unfulfilled. However, without realizing it, we may have a lifelong pattern of putting potential parent figures on a pedestal and seeking from others what we did not get in our parental relationships. This inevitably leads to profound moments of disillusionment and disappointment. We will need to stop chasing in the present, what our parents were not in the past. Once that window closes, and we have grown up, we can only meet those unmet needs throug our relationship with God and through ourselves.

When reading the church fathers, many often get confused about the concept of utilizing blaming ourselves, rather than seeing the wrong in the other person. It is important to be reminded that the church fathers often gave different spiritual prescriptions to different people, depending on where they were at in their spiritual life, their motives, and their life history. What is spiritual help to some could be spiritually destructive to others. How, if, and when the concept of self-blame should be employed, is explored in this podcast.

Today’s episode seeks to answer a question from a mother who suffered a stillbirth. It is difficult to have “why” questions when we cannot sit and dialogue back and forth directly with God. Knowing when to call off the search for the answer to a “why” question is difficult. Also, knowing what’s behind the why question (fears and assurances needed) is very critical. Inevitably, some of us are called to wait until we stand in the presence of God to understand why.

Today’s podcast focuses on a question submitted by someone living the monastic life. It is common and normal when past pain from traumatic or profoundly painful experiences has an effect on our prayer life. We might feel that we have lost something, or that somehow spiritually we are going in the wrong direction, regressing, or even failing. It is very important to reframe these experiences, and to realize this is all part of the path forward, and that we are not experiencing an abandonment of grace. It is important to be merciful with ourselves and to allow there to be changes to our prayer life or with it being harder to pray silently, as we are navigating the healing work. The reality is, that when we come out on the other side of the healing work, there will be more room for God’s grace and more potential for our prayer life. Indeed, the healing work is part of the ladder of divine ascent.

Finding out that our spouse has been unfaithful is devastating. However, many couples come through on the other side even stronger than they were before. Today’s episode focuses on a question that was submitted by an individual who has done all the work, and come through on the other side, but yet still has frustrating moments where they are hurled back into the past. Using the trauma treatment model, victims of infidelity can often find the peace and healing that has been elusive.

Today’s podcast discusses something that most of humanity is ignoring. It is the subtle effects of the pandemic. It is precisely during the quiet aftermath of an intense experience that we tend to feel the effects. Telling ourselves a story and believing we can just sweep it under the proverbial rug, is not going to help us navigate the quiet aftermath; nor to regain much of what we had before those very trying years.

The healing work is part of our spiritual life and very much an ascetical activity. Today’s podcast offers a prayer that any individual can use in their own healing work as well as a practical activity. Both the prayer and the activity will help increase the synergy between us and God in healing the unresolved. "Lord, please heal my soul and help me to do my part in the healing work. Give me your Grace and the Holy Spirit, and fill that which I am lacking in. Please give me insights and self-awareness that lead to healing. Lord, cast out of me any spirit of fear and give me a spirit of faith, hope, and love. Heal also my disposition of heart. Please heal my perceptions of the past, present, and the future. And please heal my perceptions of myself and others. Help me not to be afraid and to do the thing I fear. Lord, help me to love and be loved, without fear. Amen."

We all struggle with interactions, the behavior of ourselves and others, events, and life changes. However, all of these things are often worsened when we believe they mean some thing about us that they do not. Some examples of these beliefs are "I wasn't good enough," "I failed," and/or "I am weak or powerless." This particular phenomenon often occurs on an unconscious level and causes much disruption in our emotional, spiritual, and family lives. One could even argue that it is the most disruptive of all beliefs.

Today’s discussion is about over-control. It is a relating and behavior pattern that is almost universally a product of traumatic and painful experiences. It is born from avoiding, at all costs, ever experiencing anything like what we did in the past. However, when we do this, we find no rest, no peace, and miss all of the beautiful things in our lives. It causes us to see threats where there are none. This is exhausting for both us and those around us. Reversing over-control can be difficult and very frustrating, however, there are real and concrete steps that we can take to find our way out.

Many are worried about asserting themselves, setting boundaries, and speaking up for themselves. Such behaviors are perceived by some as being prideful and not what God wants. In this episode the value and need for dignity is discussed and how it must be preserved and protected.

Anxiety is often perceived very negatively. This negative perception of anxiety often aggravates it and makes us feel even more of it. Our Anxiety is simply trying to alert us to the perception of danger. However, in the end, it will listen to us, and is very flexible in the face of new perceptions.

Father Alexander Schmemann often talked and wrote about the benefits of our faith based worldview, which we receive upon baptism. Our faith-based worldview is to help us navigate our life in this world; to help us make sense of experiences, answer life’s questions, and navigate life stages. However, unresolved past experiences have the ability to block our faith-based worldview, as it causes us to respond to the past, rather than the present. In a future episode, we'll dive deeper into what the investigative process looks like to help us discover how we can more fully live out our faith.

Some strained sibling relationships may indeed just be due to difficult personalities or differences in beliefs. However, very often the real cause is hidden hurts and resentments related to the family of origin. These hurts may be related to roles played, differences in perceptions of treatment, and overall lack of closure. When past pain surfaces in sibling relationships it often masks itself by being displaced on trivial issues in the present that result in years of not communicating or a sibling relationship that was never close. Choosing to let them work it out while hoping for the best or lending them a helping hand by venturing back into the family of origin experiences, is a personal decision.

In this episode, the answer is discussed as to why we tend to feel more comfortable and able to express anger and happiness, but not other emotions. It is the emotional space between anger and happiness that holds our anxiety, fear, grief, sadness, and loss. Our society has deemed these areas to be forbidden territory. However, for those doing the healing work and seeking spiritual growth, it is the land of opportunity. It is in this space that we find depth of heart, courage, perception, and humility. It is in that emotional space that we truly become alive and truly human.

Very often, when doing the healing work, we forget that even though we have had negative and uncomfortable emotions tied to past painful experiences, we are still going to have normal negative feelings related to every day life stressors and changes. Without realizing it, we can associate negative emotion only with the past. And then when negative emotions do occur from the present, we feel like something is wrong or we must’ve missed something in our healing work. The healing work does not mean we will never feel uncomfortable again. It means that we can feel uncomfortable again, without being threatened by it, and allow ourselves those emotions and tolerate them.

This podcast centers around the question as to whether there are any movies that can be helpful in the healing process. Typically movies that resonate are helpful for us. This is because when we witness our pain or lack of closure in someone else’s story, it’s not as threatening, and so is able to get past our defenses and bring out emotion that previously had been held back. These moments can help us leapfrog in our healing work and be used to our advantage.

Today’s discussion involves a question in which the submitter of the question had a series of painful parish experiences that led to them feeling abandoned. It is always a difficult decision to decide whether to stay or move onto a different parish community. However, before we decide, we can explore and answer certain questions that will ensure we make a good decision and that will enhance our spiritual growth significantly.

This podcast episode answers two submitted questions, both involving forgiveness on some level. Whether it’s that we have to forgive ourselves, or making sure we truly have forgiven the other, God wants us to let go of our past weaknesses and focus on the present. He also wants our forgiveness to be real, and not just a result of denying reality and protecting ourselves from painful emotions.

An anniversary reaction or effect is very common and affects most people at one time or another, and some are affected throughout their lives. The anniversary of a loss or painful event can be a challenging experience for many. Knowing what they are, being prepared for them, leaning into them, and using them to our advantage, can help make them tolerable, and even put them to rest.

This episode discusses healthy ways to share our painful or traumatic experiences. It is also covers the importance of safety and how to rediscover safety in a health way after losing it in the aftermath of a painful or traumatic experience. Finally, the issue of trauma bonding is discussed. This occurs when we see the abuser as innocent or in an elevated way, while not giving ourselves the validation and empathy we need as the victim.

This episode discusses how our healing work and our painful experiences are not separate or outside of our relationship with God and our faith, but rather an integral part of it. These experiences, which have been such a source of shame, can actually aid and accelerate our spiritual growth. There is also discussion on keeping shame out of the sacrament of Confession, as well as what to look for in a counselor.

This podcast episode discusses a helpful exercise to do when grief over our own experiences seems stuck, also rooting out shame by it’s source, and reviewing a paradigm of different approaches that fits well with our faith and that should cover all the healing work.

This podcast episode discusses much of the confusion and fears about the concepts of self acceptance and self compassion. The discussion highlights that self acceptance and self compassion are both very necessary for healing and for our spiritual lives. Practicing both self denial and self acceptance provides balance and stability to every aspect of our lives.

In this episode, Fr. Joshua addresses questions on loss, abandonment, and broken relationships. Many of us experience fear and anxiety on some level, but this is often from perceived threats and difficulty tolerating uncertainty. Often, our past wounds will reappear in the present and we must find a way to fully grieve, and fully heal, in order to move forward. As we head into the season of the Nativity, it's a time to focus on reconciliation and healing.

In this episode, Fr. Joshua addresses questions on trauma in the Church, divorce, and alcoholism. While we may become guarded due to our own woundedness, we must never turn in on ourselves in self-reliance. It is a strength to reach out for help - and it will ultimately aid us in our spiritual growth. In all of these issues, there is always hope for a fresh start, a hope to continue on the path of salvation. Our prayers, surrounding all of these difficult issues, must be rooted in hope, not control. We can turn to God and ask for a spirit of hope and humility.

Fr. Joshua begins his new podcast by answering submitted questions on the subject of trauma and how to heal from it within the context of Orthodox Christianity. If you have a question for Fr. Joshua, please email him via the "Send Feedback" link.