How to have a happy marriage

https://youtu.be/BBNLkC7RWoM Auto-generated transcript: Bismillah walhamdulillah wassalatu wassalamu ala rasulillah. Wa ba'd. My brothers and sisters, a friend of mine asked me to share some thoughts on what makes a happy marriage. And I guess I have some claim to speaking on this subject because my wife and I, we've been happily married now for 40 years. We got married in 1985 and now it's 2025. Very quick short list of what makes a happy marriage. And then maybe we'll talk about it. Maybe we'll talk a little more in detail. Very short list. Number one, marry after you start your career. I'm not saying after you achieve your long-term goals because that's, you know, takes a long time. You want to get married before that. You need a companion in your life who you can literally trust with your life. So you need a partner. Believe me, I'm all 100% for it. Believe me, I'm all 100% for it. Believe me, I'm all 100% for it. I'm in favor of getting married. I think there's people who are not married are really missing out a very, very major part of their life. So it's very important to get married. The question is when. So the first thing is when your career has started. I started working in 1979. I got married in 1985. So that's to give you some idea. And there's no compromise. There's no exceptions to what I'm about to say. Get married only, and only and only, if you can support your wife. Totally and completely. I'm talking to the men because in Islam, it is the job of the man to support his wife, not vice versa. So, make sure that you can financially support your wife. Not with anybody's help, yourself. If you say, well, you know, I can support my wife, I'm getting married, my parents said we could stay with them and my dad will pay the bills. No, sorry. You're marrying the woman, not your dad. Your dad will pay for the woman that he's married to. You pay for the woman that you're married to. And if you cannot pay, then take cold showers and fast. Because that is what Rasool Allah told us. They had this very clear, he said, when a person, when a young man is ready to be married, he should marry. He should not delay. They asked him, what is ready? He said, ready is when you can support your wife. That is ready. Ready is not when you are, you know, just full of emotions, full of hormones. No, that's not ready. So, ready when you… So, start your career and then get married. So, the number one age at which you get married, because then you need some level of maturity. I got married at the age of 40… at the age of 30. Presumably, I had some maturity. Women tend to be more mature and they get mature earlier than men. I am not talking about physical maturity. I'm talking about emotional maturity. Wisdom, understanding and so on. Women get that faster than men do. And so, if you compare two 90-year-olds, they are not that young. The man is 19 physically and… Morning! Morning! Physically and mentally and emotionally, the woman is at least 25. So, it's important to have parity in that. So get married when you are emotionally mature. And third thing is get married when you have the wherewithal, the means to support your wife. You, yourself. You, yourself. Without help from anyone, not parents, not anybody else. So three, in my view, very important criteria for success in marriage. So, I did that. Fourth criterion is to marry somebody who has… A personal interest, a personal, you know, career even, which she is serious about. And ensure that you give each other space to be able to fulfill yourselves in that area of your life, in the area of… Your career, your choices. Now, career doesn't necessarily mean that your wife has to work for some corporate organization, you know, traveling all over the world and so on. That is not a good idea because the whole point of marriage is to be together. And if you have… Some people have this weekend marriages kind of thing, you know. You see each other only on the weekends. And that's not a marriage, I mean, you know. You are not living in a hotel, you have a home. So, but at the same time, if you do not have… If your wife does not have a career, she doesn't have something to do to occupy herself usefully and sufficiently, then the demand on you for your time, your energy, your attention will become overpowering. And you will either give in to that demand and your own career and your own ambition will suffer. And more than likely you will not be able to achieve that. Or you will say goodbye to the marriage. You will buy for yourself a lot of grief in the marriage. Remember that the… In Islam, the woman has the right. It is her right to demand. To demand attention. So if you put yourself in a position where she needs that attention and she is demanding it, you have to give it. And then what do you do? So, then what do you do? So, be clear about that. Have… Marry somebody who has their own career, their own, you know, interests. And that they are able to pursue that without destroying the marriage. My wife is an abstract artist. And I am a leadership consultant. I am an author and so forth. And the way we have… We live and we have lived and worked now for forty years is… I say we meet at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Umm… Don't take that too literally but more than… More often than not that's how it works. She is in her studio with her paints and her art. I am in my study with my writing, reading and so forth. Umm… I go for long walks. Umm… A couple of hours at a time. And we have lived happily ever after. When we meet, we chat, we talk, we argue sometimes on… Various matters. And… You know, we have our opinions. She has her reading, I have my reading. And so on. So, this is how it works for us and it works wonderfully well. So, that's something that I would kind of recommend if you… If you like. Do you as well and say that… Do that. Have somebody who has this kind of interest in… Of her own and give them… Give each other the space to pursue your independent interests. Don't be in each other's hair all the time. Third thing is, postpone children until your marriage is stable. Because, believe me, once a child comes onto the scene, entire attention shifts. And it should shift onto the child. You will kiss goodbye to your career, to your ambition, to your life goal for the next twenty years. Because your life goal will become that child. Your eating, your sleeping, your daily timetable, umm… Where you live, which city, which town, which country even perhaps. Everything. Everything will depend on that child or children. And as I said, don't complain about it because that is how it should be. Umm… You are supposed to take care of those children. And if you are serious about that, if you are not serious about that, you are in trouble with Allah as well. And if you are serious about that, then you are quite literally kissing goodbye to… your ambition. All the great goals that you thought you were going to achieve become… I won't say impossible, but they become very, very… you know, unlikely. It will be a huge stretch to do that. So think very carefully about having children. And then when you are ready to have children, by all means, go ahead. But until then, make sure you don't have them. Now, in my case, as I told you, I got married almost five, six years after I started working. I was still not completely sure about my career, what I wanted it to be. But all the work that I did was unconsciously building up towards the career in leadership that I wanted. And eventually, I decided on that in 1983. And that's what I have been doing for the rest of my… for my life since then, in my life since then. So… I decided on the career. And then say, what does it career? What does it require? Now, here is where the rubber meets the road. And that's why I said it's very important to have a person who is supportive, a wife who is supportive. Because in many cases, as also happened in my case, support literally means that your wife has to put her… her desire, her goal secondary to yours. That's what it really means in real time. If she wants to do something, it has to be done considering whether it is convenient for you and convenient for your career, and whether it supports your goals or not. Now, my wife did that. She consistently did that. And she continues to do that for the last 40 years. I wish you somebody like that, like my wife. But I don't think you will get it because according to me, Allah made one. And that's it. But anyway, maybe you will get a second best which is not as good but maybe equally useful. So, question of priorities. And my wife gave and continues to give priority to my career choices, my career demands over whatever she wants to do. As I said, it is not a one-time thing. She has done that consistently throughout her life. I don't even talk about, you know, expressing gratitude and so on and so forth. I don't think I can. I don't think there is… anybody can't. I just make dua to Allah . See, Allah, You gave me this. You gave me this absolutely fantastic woman. Just make me be the best thing that happened to her. I don't think I am. But… and I'm not being modest or anything like that. I mean, I know myself. But I say to Allah , Allah, forgive me. Do not let that affect her heart. And how to say, you know, 40 years have gone by. How much forgot Allah from you. Or how much time when Allah came to show all my emotions, andまぁ what's happening in me what am I going to do I do this and that. I do all that. And there is no time to give up. That's it. Right now. That's a good lengths than that. If you only could learn that for the rest of your life. That the time you better stop putting yourself on a sit-down position. Because Allah says, وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la said in Surah Al-Rum, which means, and among His ayat, among His signs, is that He created for you, from among you, your mates.