Conflict resolution in marriage and more

Auto-generated transcript:My brothers and sisters, may Allah bless my dear friend and brother, Omar Abdullah, for asking me beautiful questions. He and a couple of others who I truly appreciate because of the very good questions they ask. And the result of those good questions is that they get me to think and hopefully, you know, create content for myself primarily and then for whoever else is listening, which is potentially beneficial for us all, inshallah. So yesterday we were in Boston and we were walking. We were actually at the ISBCC. Big mosque, Islamic center in Boston, which is a beautiful place. Very, very well run. And from there, we had to go and visit a dear friend who's in the children's hospital. He's had this fifth open heart surgery. So I'm also asking you all to, because this goes globally, so I'm asking you all to make a lot of dua. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. sitting there and I asked him so how are you feeling and so on he doesn't shake I recited in the Sunday school graduation ceremony I recited surah they are seen 20 ayat and I have memorized some more so can I recite I think I get I know a 30 I think so can I decide them for you I said so I mean I'm honored yeah and imagine this is this young man he is I think he's about 13 or something as starting of 14 and he is going to open-heart surgery he's obviously has major major health issues and we ask Allah to give him complete cure inshallah and he's not wasting his time sitting there in the in the ICU in the room you know he's not going to be able to do anything he's not going to be able to do anything he's not going to be able to do anything he's not going to be able to do anything he's not going to be in nature any kind of serious injury in his out of bed so then all of that you know so he immediately that's awesome two Sohail Advampal I have66000 something did you memorize the Quran yes half it there I tell you this is a it's it's not just a compliment remember it's MashaAllah may Allah bless them So we were at this masjid And we had to go to the children's hospital And we Umar and I we said Well how do we go Do we take Do we take the Umar Neither of us had a car So He said do we take the metro or what I said let's see how far it is And they said It was about a mile So I said Let's just walk And we walked Lovely day A bit hot and humid But you know Nothing to worry about We passed the Very impressive Frontage of Harvard Medical School as well On the And then we went and met the gentleman Now on the way Umar asked me this question And he said In a marriage How do you deal with conflict I guess this applies to everything It's not just a question of marriage And I said How do you deal with conflict So I told him I said the Way to deal with Conflict is Very simple First and foremost Um Define Both of you sit down Both spouses Sit down And define The conflict So what is the conflict about And I'm a great believer In writing things down So if you Um Write things down It clarifies The matter So I just sit down And define the conflict So now Think about this When you are Defining the conflict And the purpose of that Definition is not Is not to have Say how do I see it How do you You know What is the conflict Come to one definition So whichever Obviously there are two different ways of seeing it Because there are two people involved But Those two people Make sure that you come to Make one definition What is the conflict Now this If you think about this This exercise Itself Is an exercise of Coming together Or collaborating To do something So the focus shifts from What am I saying What is he saying Or what is she saying You know Who is right Who is wrong Who is You know More powerful Less powerful All the usual Political things Political stuff That happens Especially In marital conflicts But You come to this The actual fact Which is What is the conflict about? What is the definition? I said Now once you write The definition down And you say This is the conflict Then you write A second one Which is to say What is the outcome We are looking for And don't just say The opposite of this No You say What outcome Do we want from this? So here is the conflict And what is the outcome That we want What is the solution That we want So ideal solution Again You are not convincing anybody You are not looking You are not looking You are not looking You are not looking You are not saying I am right You are wrong You are not convincing You are just saying Here is an objective exercise And be very clear Be as objective as you can So what is the Solution that I am looking for? So what is the conflict? And definition of the conflict And definition of the solution We say This is the solution That I am looking for And the other person So both of you together So once you do this These two things And let it take time There is no urgency involved And as I told you The whole process Is a process of coming together Which is all for the better That is what we are looking at here To bring the two hearts together So once you have come to Once you have done The problem definition Then you have done the Definition of the solution Nine times out of ten If not nine, nine, nine Times out of ten You will find That you have Resolved the conflict And if you haven't Then you say Okay So now we have this Conflict resolution How do we get to The right solution? So this is the Way of conflict resolution Especially in marriages But also I guess In teams Or anywhere else Then he also asked me He said Alhamdulillah My wife and I We have been married now This year Forty years So he said How does that work? How do you keep it together? So I shared with him What What We have What is my focus My principle My focus is very simple I say I Will not force Or try to force I don't think anybody can force I will not try to force My wife to do something Which I like Unless it is a matter of the Sharia So unless she is Breaking an Islamic law I will not tell her She has to do this or that So now This sounds simple But There is a corollary For which is That If you hold yourself to this It will mean That there will be instances Where your wife Will not want to do something Which you want her to do Now it may have nothing to do with the Sharia But it is something that you would enjoy doing For example I go for a walk I walk six miles a day every day And Where I live You know It is a very beautiful place And There was nothing that I would like more Than to have my wife walk with me But Her idea of fun is different So She doesn't walk with me Now I My principle is I will not force her Or try to force her To do something Unless it is a matter of the Sharia And obviously Walking with me Is not a matter of the Sharia So You have to be mentally prepared For that also To say that If you are going to hold this principle Then You will have instances Where you will not be able to do something Where she will not be with you My wife operates on the same principle So she will not try to force me To do something Unless it is a matter of the Sharia Alhamdulillah We both of us Try to live a clean life So we don't have Conflicts on that basis Neither of us is Deliberately breaking somethings Or going against the Sharia of Islam So we don't have that But that's the basic principle To say that As long as it is not against the Sharia I will not say anything So now in her case I hate shopping With a passion Me and shops Me and malls Are like oil and water And she is Not a great shopper She doesn't spend a lot of money Which is a good thing But she just Walks around The malls She does a lot of winter shopping But she never tells me to come She never insists that I should come On me on the other hand I say Whatever you buy for me is fine I will not Object Because I don't want to Go and buy So if I need a shirt I need trousers What not She buys for me And for my part I always say Fantastic Great I love it And I am not lying Because her taste is beautiful And we agree on the taste So it is fine Sometimes If it is not I say You know what I really don't like this thing too much And for her To have it sent back Or to go back And send it Is another trip to the mall Which she enjoys So it is fine So that's The way we do it Even then So I say No When we go to You know Any outlet malls Things like this I say no Even when I am dragged there Sometimes we go My brother and his family So I have no option I go and sit in one place Or I say I am on my walks So I am waiting my steps I walk up and down Up and down Up and down All over the malls And I say You do your shopping I am not going In the shops I am not walking slowly Looking at this Looking at that I am doing my work This for me This is my constitution And I am doing my work This is my constitution I need to get my Ten thousand steps And I am creating them here So this is the way You do that Which is You respect each other's Likes and dislikes And at the same time Don't impose on them Unless it is a matter Of the Sharia And then You know Be prepared Also therefore For the two lives To be together But Like train tracks You know They never meet In the sense of physical Obviously you meet You love each other You spend time with each other So there are other Other places And so on Where we have common interests And where we You know We for example We make a big point of Always eating together So that is very important In the house We don't just pick food Out of the fridge We both sit together We eat together So these are These are things to do But At the same time If you Want to have Togetherness And And Quality Company And quality time Then you have to be prepared To Give some of that up In terms of freedom As far as Each other is concerned So I thought Let me share these Thoughts And my Q&A with Amar To For all of you May Allah