Active Listening to resolve conflicts

Auto-generated transcript:My brothers and sisters, Alhamdulillah, we all know and we all talk about the biggest need of the Muslim Ummah today, which is that of unity. And we also know Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala commanded us and said, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said, hold firmly together, jami'an, to the rope of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and do not divide among yourselves. Do not divide among yourselves. Don't form into groups and sections. Don't become enemies to one another. Don't say, I will not meet my brother. I will not pray behind him. I will not accept his invitation. I will not invite him and so on and so forth. Do not do all those things. Allah did not say, Allah did not say, do not have a difference of opinion. Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala said, treat those differences of opinion intelligently and work out conclusions, work out solutions. But do not allow them. To divide you and to separate you from your brother and form a clique or a group or some form of separation, do not do that. And this is a command of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Now, if you look at this and say, well, you know, we don't seem to be able to do that. And may Allah have mercy on us. Today, we see this even among scholars, even among... Muslim organizations. And if we see it in such an ugly way, so sad and so tragic and so, you know, unbelievable that really, I mean, it's, I mean, obviously we do not despair at all, but it's something that drives you to that point. It's one, I mean, how and on earth can, did this happen and how can we change it? So, let's try and see how do we do that if you, if you find yourself in a situation where you are, you know, damaged. has already happened, dispute has happened, dispute has escalated and gone to the point where now it seems to be insoluble, separation has happened already and so forth. Now, in that situation, how do you, you know, what do you do? So first and foremost is to look at what is the dispute about. So what I suggest to people is both the parties sit down and write down what does the solution look like to you? What would you like to see? And don't say I would like to see you dead. That doesn't help. You might say, I don't want to see you dead. You might want that, but that's a useless thing to do. That's not a point where you can approach anything. So look at this thing and say, what is it that I need to do? What is it I would like to see? What is it that I would like to see? So you say, this is my view of the solution. This is what the solution looks like to me. And both the parties. So you know, if it's... If the solution is A and B, so A writes down what the solution looks like to him or her, and B does the same. I mean, I use this all the time even in marital counseling, for example, you know, seems to be insoluble differences leading to divorce, almost to the point. How do you change that? This is how you change it. Look at it and say, what does the solution look like to me? Both parties. And take your time. You know, write as much as you can. You know, write as much as you can. As much detail as you wish. Once that is over, then we exchange those sheets of paper. You take... You look at my solution. I look at your solution. Many times I've seen when this is done, the two solutions are very, very similar. Both parties want to see the same thing happen. The reason they don't see it is because they're approaching it from two different angles. And it seems to them that... There is no other way. This is the only way. So they have stuck or got stuck in a place. But if they look at it objectively, we say, oh, this is what you wanted. Well, you know, it's not so far from what I wanted. That's exactly what happens. Then we start the dialogue. We start people to start speaking because that's very important. I always say this all the time. This is that every dispute. No matter what the situation is. I'm not saying that you should not have a problem. No matter what. Whether it's a dispute between two individuals. For example, the most common is between husband and wife. Or it's a dispute between two individuals who... It's a, you know, a business dispute of business nature. Maybe it's a dispute of a religious nature. Maybe it's a dispute between two organizations or two factors of an organization. An organization has split into two. So you've got this group and that group basically from the same organization basically doing the same work. But they are now, you know, on two different folks or two different platforms. So maybe it's a dispute between countries. We have plenty of that in the world. All of these, the root to that, the root to the solution is the same, which is to practice what I call or what we call active listening. Active listening. This is one of the first casualties of any conflict, which is listening. I mean, listening is generally a casualty anyway. Because we focus, a lot of us want to become public speakers and you want to get speaking skills and so on. But what we really need is listening skills. We need to be people who are capable of listening. We need to be people who have the ability to listen to what is being said. We need to have the ability to do things. And if you are not going to listen, then obviously, you know, speaking to people, speaking is a recipe for more conflict, not less conflict. So how do you listen? We call it active listening. Active listening is a very simple process, but it must be followed very strictly. Active listening is when, first of all, both parties make the conscious intention to listen to each other. Believe me, this is not default. It won't just happen. You have to consciously choose and say, I will listen to my brother. I will listen to my friend. I will listen to my enemy. Whoever you, however you define them, I will listen to them. You have to make this conscious choice. Once you make the conscious decision to listen, the next step, which is one person speaks. And until that person finishes speaking, the other person will not speak. And while that person is speaking, the other person will take notes. Note down, write down, take a piece of paper, write down, take a notepad, write down at least the key points of what the other person is saying. Okay. Write them down. Then, when it's your turn to speak, you don't just start speaking. You first repeat to, not repeat, you first share with the other person how you understood them. What did you understand? It's not about being smart or stupid. This is how the technique works. It's called active listening. And believe me. I have used this technique very, very successfully in some of the most hostile situations in the world, which is management and worker labor union negotiations on wages. I have used this very successfully in that situation, which is a very hostile situation. Usually, it's one step short of actual war, but work like magic. So, I'm teaching you that. Make notes. So, the other person is speaking. Make notes. And then, you share with that person how you have understood them. Don't just read out the notes. This is an active listening session. It's not a mechanical session. You don't just pass on that sheet of paper and say, well, this is what I wrote down. No. You speak. You speak and say, I understand you to be saying. Use this phrase. I understand you to be saying. I understand you to be saying such and such. This, this, this. I understand you to be saying this, this, this. That is very critically important. So you start with that and you speak that and you say, I understand you to be saying X, Y, Z. And that person, when they are listening to you, they will listen to you carefully of how you have understood them. And then, they will say, yes, that's correct. Or they will say, no, no. That is not what I meant. And when they say, that is not what I meant, what does this person who's speaking, what do they do? They don't argue with them. They don't say, no, no, no. You are changing what you're saying. They say, OK, let me understand you. Say it again. What did I, what did you say? Let me understand you again. Now this must be done until the speaker is satisfied that they have been understood correctly. OK? So if you understood them correctly straight away, that's fantastic. If you did not understand them correctly straight away, no problem. You repeat, you tell them how you understood them. And then the speaker will say, yes, OK, so this is right. That is what I meant. And then now, once the speaker is satisfied that they have been understood correctly, then you say your piece. I understand you to be saying X, Y, Z. Right? You understood me? OK, good. Now this is what I have to say. Whatever that is, no problem with that. This is what I have to say. This is called active listening. You listen to the person. You share your understanding with that person. And when that person is satisfied that they have been understood clearly, then you say, OK, I understand. Then you go to the next step and you tell them what you need to tell them. Right? Now this is active listening. And believe me, this is something that is literally, I mean, I'm saying this without exaggeration, this is something that works like magic. I've seen this. I've practiced it. And it works. It works. It works. And it's, you know, truly it sort of works, really works like magic. I mean, I don't know what else to call it. Really works absolutely like magic. So let me leave that with you and say, you know, see how it, what can we do with this? And say, what can we do? And then try it out yourself in any dispute that you might have. And you will, you know, I'm sure you will be successful. So try that and let me know how it works. . .