Deconstructing Gaslighting™

Do you like to connect with the people you’re allowing to speak into your life? Like, maybe, people whose podcast you listen to? LOL. The more we get a sense of who someone is, how they live their lives, what’s important to them, the struggles they have, etc – the more we connect with them. The more we connect with them, the more we trust them – and trust is not an easy thing to come by when it’s been damaged for you. In today’s episode, Sarah does something she has NEVER done in any public arena – she’s invited her wife to come on the podcast to talk about their life together. Here's your weekly invitation to be on the podcast!  If you have any interest, please don't hesitate to contact Sarah – she’d love to address any concerns you might have and make it an experience where you are being helped, and she can help a lot of other people, too.  Click HERE to get the ball rolling. Sarah’s guest today is her wife, Melanie; she is the one that has been behind the scenes, supporting Sarah’s passion and pursuit of bringing her Deconstructing Gaslighting offerings to the world! Melanie is a graphic designer turned nurse, turned travel nurse. She loves experiencing new things and will never say no to trying a new cheese, beer/wine, or restaurant. She loves her people well, and her favorite day of her life was when Sarah said yes to marrying her. Story Time: Sarah and Melanie spend time answering both fun and “serious” questions about their relationship.Set Your Alarm: If there is a take-away from this episode, Sarah would love for you to take away: Don’t make concessions/settle Know your minimums and be mindful of the self-gaslighting of “I want too much”, and other limiting beliefs. You deserve to be loved well, too. Thank you, dear listeners, for joining Sarah and Melanie on their “date night”. They hope you enjoyed getting to know them a little bit, and maybe found some inspiration for setting the bar high in your own relationships.  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

Sarah speaks to white women that consider themselves conservative Christians, who are struggling because of the internal conflict that is raging – because of the abuse of power they are witnessing.Unless people can see, and then confront the gaslighting that they have experienced, they won’t be able to see past the bullshit, and then do the wrestling they need to do in order to get out of that cognitive dissonance.Do you have an experience/topic for Sarah to connect to gaslighting? If so, click here to let Sarah know.Word of the day: Cognitive Dissonance - According to verywellmind.com, The term&nbsp;cognitive dissonance&nbsp;is used to describe the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. This experience of trying to hold two conflicting beliefs is ALWAYS experienced as a result of chronic gaslighting.&nbsp; Story Time: Today, Sarah gives a few examples from her own life of how she came to recognize the cognitive dissonance she was unknowingly experiencing and how she found peace. Deconstruction Zone: In all three stories, gaslighting tactics of distorting facts, ignoring reality that doesn’t support their agenda, refusing to accept answers they didn’t want, laying on guilt trips, being inconsistent with the use of principles/Bible verses, exaggerating the faults all were present. These things were used to manipulate, play mind games, and brainwash people into taking on not only their beliefs about abortion/race &amp; racism/LGBTQ+, but ALSO, what must be done about it – as their own. Sarah highlights self-gaslighting when it comes to race/racism. A common, unaware gaslighting motive is a defense mechanism to fear/shame. She specifically names self-gaslighting through minimizing, ignoring the bits of reality we feel like we can’t “handle” or “don’t relate to us”, and exaggerating things that soothe our shame/fear/sense of powerlessness.Set Your Alarm: Two alarms today: 1) Those who are experiencing the cognitive dissonance:Acknowledge the internal conflict.&nbsp; Question things that don’t sit right with you. You get to question anyone and everyone! Start here: what do I FEEL when I think about this issue (pay attention to your body cues); what do I like about the stance I’ve been taking/what are the values that support the stance I’ve been taking; what do I NOT like about the stance I’ve been taking/what values does it violate to have this stance?Be relentless in your pursuit of truth and consistency.&nbsp; 2) Those who want to talk with loved ones experiencing cognitive dissonance:Acknowledge/validate the conflict.&nbsp; This is crucial, and where you should start. Make yourself available to share your views/how you came to see things the way you did. Point them to experts and resources that can help them with their conflict/CD.Hold your boundaries while holding empathy for the fact that your loved ones have themselves been gaslit, and will need to be able to see this before they can break free. Remember, it is not your responsibility to “educate” them or convince them of anything. It’s easy to get pulled out of our integrity and into debates and power plays and all the things – #1 priority is to stay in alignment with who you are/your values. Sarah is going to have some exciting new ways to go through her signature program soon!&nbsp; Follow her on Facebook, <a...

Divorce… an experience that most often involves mediation, attorneys, judges… potentially court… and the whole process can be filled with gaslighting! In today’s episode, Sarah talks with Kim Hansen Petroni, who specializes in helping women through this very specific journey that some of us have to go through. Listen in as she shares her story, and we discuss how to navigate this difficult process. Sarah wants you.. yes, YOU, to be a guest on her podcast. Please reach out and get on her calendar here!&nbsp; Bio: The guest today is Kim Hansen Petroni, a betrayal trauma specialist who is a board-certified coach that is APSATS and Ercem certified. Her passion is supporting women as they walk through the isolating divorce process. To this end, she offers groups and has created a popular blog, called “not a casserole widow” which offers support for women going through high conflict divorces.Word of the day: Brave – Oxford languages defines brave as: ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. Sarah reads an excerpt from Glennon’s book, Untamed, because to Sarah, going through the divorce process requires that kind of bravery. Story Time: Sarah and Kim talk about the ways Kim experienced gaslighting through her divorce process, and how others going through this can relate and learn from her experience. &nbsp;Deconstruction Zone: Sarah mentions some general gaslighting behaviors to look out for when it comes to the people and circumstances often involved in the divorce process. She also sets the alarm here, too, by naming what we can do. Anyone – your attorney, mediator, judge – family – even yourself… ANY ONE who tries to convince you that your thoughts/feelings/needs aren’t valid – Doesn’t matter if you may not be able to “win” them! The starting point needs to be validation.From the opposing side (your soon to be ex, the other party’s attorney, etc): things that create conflict, confusion, and ESPECIALLY chaos – this is often a ploy to get people to “give up and give in”.Let that be your huge red flag to stop, ground yourself, and check in with your truth, and your support TEAM. &nbsp;A few things to be mindful of that you have more control over: Know that it’s normal to be in a vulnerable position due to the nature of the “professionals” involved in this process: know that you don’t have to betray yourself and just listen to what they’re saying – you get to ask all the questions and try to fight for what you (and your kids, if you have any) need to feel safe and secure.Be aware of the urge to fight for your “reputation”, or to be “understood”.&nbsp; Snooze button: Kim shares her top three tips:Divorce does not feel good (for most people)- Having someone (therapist, divorce coach) who specializes in trauma or high conflict divorce is immeasurable.Get clear on what you are fighting for! Find that TOP item, and make that your goal.&nbsp;You need support!&nbsp; If you want to join Sarah &nbsp;in a discussion around today’s topic, I invite you to get on TikTok and...

Are you trying to navigate dating as you are healing from gaslighting, trauma, betrayal, divorce, etc.? OR, maybe the thought of entering the dating world again scares the shit out of you! In today’s episode, Sarah brings on a dear friend who is currently navigating that scene. They discuss the things she’s learned about herself, others, AND how to navigate the shit show that dating can often end up being.&nbsp;Would YOU like to be a guest on the podcast, share your story, get Sarah’s brain on your experience, and have her help you get some clarity on what has been happening in your relationship? Reach out and get on Sarah’s calendar here!&nbsp; Word of the day: Define… &nbsp;Oxford Languages defines the word define as: to state or describe exactly the nature, scope, or meaning of.&nbsp; When it comes to gaslighting and SELF-gaslighting, this is a super important word.&nbsp; Gaslighting happens when someone tries to define – FOR US – exactly what we should think/feel/believe/perceive, and we unknowingly take on these definitions of who we are or how we should live – AS IF THEY WERE OUR OWN. This understanding is central to the discussion I have with my guest today, and the things she’s been learning about herself and dating this past year. Story Time: Sarah and Annie share some fun stories and talk about two main things Annie has learned over the course of her dating life post-divorce: gaslighting messages about WHO she should be dating and gaslighting messages about who she should BE while dating?Deconstruction Zone: Why self-gaslighting happens; most people, at some point in their lives, realize they’ve taken on things that aren’t in alignment with who they are, authentically.The normal, natural, HUMAN desire to be loved by another person is thrown into conflict with self-love when their gaslighter is telling them to think/feel/believe/perceive their way.Self-abandonment – this is almost ALWAYS a result of this conflict.&nbsp; The fear of abandonment by the other person overpowers our fear of abandoning ourselves, so we do what we need to do to win the love of the other person. Set Your Alarm: Even though the theme of today’s episode is dating, anyone can apply some of the lessons, and set their alarms in a few ways.Get curious about what our “baseline”, or starting point, is regarding what we value/want/need in an intimate partner. Let’s talk about how we can figure out what that is:Acknowledge that there is a likelihood that you have been gaslit into taking on some things that aren’t authentically you.Get curious, and pay attention to the things that have been on auto-pilot, and then ask the following questions: Are these things other people told me that I should do, or are they my own (thoughts/feelings/beliefs)?Give yourself permission to ask these hard questions: Is this my belief, or did this come from outside of myself?&nbsp; Does this actually feel good when I try to align myself with it? (Again, not SHOULD it feel good… DOES it feel good???!!!)Does it bring me peace and joy? Remind yourself that life allows for course corrections.&nbsp; You GET to figure things out as you go, as long as you’re keeping yourself safe with good boundaries.Want to stay in the loop about the exciting new ways to go through Sarah’s signature program? Follow her on your preferred social media platform: Facebook, <a href="https://www.instagram.com/sarahmoralescoaching/" rel="noopener noreferrer"...

Have you ever found yourself in the situation with your intimate partner where you feel like you’re not experiencing the type of connection and intimacy you were expecting… in fact, you get to the point where you are basically begging for intimacy, only to be told that either you want too much, OR, that you’re at fault in some way that they are withholding?&nbsp; There’s a term for that, and in today’s episode Sarah shares that term, and unpacks what’s happening as she and her guest discuss how this played out in her intimate partnership. Sarah is on mission to help as many people as she can find clarity, peace, and empowerment, and she’d love to help YOU.&nbsp; If you’d like to be on her podcast, please don’t hesitate to reach out to her and get on her calendar here!Word of the day: Intimacy Anorexia – According to healthline.com, Intimacy anorexia is a term coined by psychologist&nbsp;Dr. Doug Weiss&nbsp;to explain why some people “actively withhold emotional, spiritual, and sexual intimacy” from a partner. Now, while Intimacy Anorexia is NOT something I specialize in, gaslighting is almost always a tool people use to enable them to both withhold the intimacy AND keep their partner in the relationship. They do this by finding ways to blame you for the lack of intimacy – whether that be physical, sexual, emotional, or spiritual intimacy.&nbsp; Taylor’s story is a clear depiction of this experience. Story Time: Taylor shares the story of how her intimate partnership went from one that seemed like a dream, to one where she basically was begging for connection, and felt it especially in the areas of emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy.&nbsp; Sarah and Taylor discuss the ways her ex used gaslighting to make her feel like she was to blame for their lack of intimacy and keep her in the dark about his sexual indiscretions and addictive behaviors. Deconstruction Zone: Sarah names things Taylor’s ex did: Redirection/diversion was a constant; brainwashing via distortion of facts/exaggerating/criticizing coupled with withdrawal; controlling/coercion Sarah names self-gaslighting for Taylor – namely, in the form explaining away gut and settling. Set Your Alarm: If you related to today’s episode, here are some ways you can set your alarm:Research Intimacy Anorexia.&nbsp; The term was coined by Dr. Doug WeissPay attention to diversion and DARVO!&nbsp; Are YOU the one being blamed for the issues, or is your partner taking responsibility for their part in things?Pay attention to not just words, but words + actions + energy.&nbsp; If they say their going to work on connecting – in whatever way, ARE THEY FOLLOWING THROUGH?&nbsp; If they are following through, are they doing so, but with resentment? Ask yourself if you’re allowing your head to dismiss your gut.&nbsp; Slow down and connect with your body – what is it telling you about your situation?Lastly, get real and call out the concessions you are making. Two important things: Starting THIS FRIDAY, Sarah’s going to host a one-hour livestream on Tiktok, where we will discuss the topic of today’s episode. Sarah is on the verge of both branching out AND developing a new way to participate in her 12 week program – if you want to be kept in the loop, and get even more information, tips, and tools, AND you want to have a few laughs along the way, <a...

However you identify, can you relate to the principles in these song lyrics? I'm just a girl in the world - That's all that you'll let me be…(You know the words!)… No Doubt, Just a Girl.In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest Lauren talk about how a vacation at the beach with her family of origin brought some childhood gaslighting to the surface. You won’t want to miss the real-time “A-ha” moment she had while they were recording!If you’d like to shoot the shit with Sarah, like she does with Lauren in today’s episode, and have your own “A-ha” moment, Sarah would love to have you come on her podcast - hang out, talk about your gaslighting experience, get some insights, and have a good time together! Let Sarah know you’re interested here. Sarah’s guest today is Lauren.&nbsp; You might remember her from the episode titled DARVO and the Dangling Carrot.&nbsp; She’s an amazing human being, and Sarah was excited to have her on the show again! Word of the day: Approval.&nbsp; Oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com defines approval as: the feeling that somebody/something is good or acceptable; a positive opinion of somebody/something. Listen, wanting someone’s approval has gotten a bad wrap.. it’s actually normal/natural/HUMAN to want approval. As we’ll hear in today’s episode, things go sideways when we make ourselves smaller, take on things that aren’t authentically us, or BOTH, in order to win that approval.&nbsp; When it comes to gaslighting and approval, it’s not just the spoken things that gaslight us, as we’ll hear as Lauren shares her story.&nbsp; Story Time: Sarah and Lauren discuss how a seemingly silly incident around her sister hearing thunder while at the beach with her family revealed to Lauren a prevalent gaslighting message she was exposed to growing up – one that had way more impact on her than she had realized!Deconstruction Zone: Lauren mentioned how there is a superiority complex in her FOO – often, in these kinds of environments, we experience things directly and indirectly that undermine our individualism; some combination of condescending attitude and words, being excluded, mockery, and likely some coercion.&nbsp; The result is the message – again, usually UNSPOKEN, that if you want approval and belonging, you need to (be more like us; do things our way; prove yourself worthy, etc).&nbsp; Set Your Alarm: This experience of making ourselves smaller and/or becoming things that aren’t authentically us isn’t solely a cis-gendered female experience.&nbsp; ANYONE can and EVERYONE DOES experience this type of gaslighting one way or another.&nbsp; So here’s how you can set your alarm:Gently, compassionately, look at your relationships; ask yourself: how important is it that I find approval from this person/these people?&nbsp; Then ask yourself: do I make myself smaller to stay in a place of approval or belonging?&nbsp; Do I try to be something that is not authentically me in order to gain/keep approval or belonging?&nbsp; Remind yourself of the TRUTH that you will feel most alive, loved, and free when you are living out of a place of alignment with your authentic self!If you are finding yourself stirred as you listened to today’s podcast, and are ready to deconstruct the gaslighting that has happened in your life - schedule a consultation call with me today! You can do so here! And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp;&nbsp;

In today’s special episode, Sarah decided to go solo and take on the topic of gaslighting in politics.If you have a topic like todays, or perhaps a question or situation that you’d like Sarah to unpack in an episode, please head over to sarahmoralescoaching.com and submit your question/topic!Word of the day: Diversion: Collins English Dictionary defines diversion as an action or event that attracts your attention away from what you are doing or concentrating on. You may also hear people use the word deflection, which is a synonym. We are going to see this over and over again in today’s scenario.&nbsp; When it comes to this often-used gaslighting tactic, we want to pay attention to whether or not our questions or concerns are ever actually being answered or addressed.&nbsp; When we do pay close attention, we will find that almost always, our questions and/or concerns are NOT being answered or addressed. Story time: Sarah shares why the recent school shooting pushed her to FINALLY be willing to get political on her podcast. Deconstruction Zone: Sarah deconstructs a conversation between her senator, Ted Cruz, and a British reporter.She shows how MANY politicians confuse people, put their values into conflict, and keep their base voting for them.&nbsp;Sarah shares her POV that WE MUST WAKE UP to the fact that if we’re NOT paying attention to the political gaslighting happening – ESPECIALLY around gun reform in the US – we will almost assuredly keep voting for people that we otherwise wouldn’t.&nbsp;The most prolific political gaslighters use diversion to get us to focus on ONLY the things they want us to focus on, by manipulating us around the things we feel strongly about or value.&nbsp; By reading through the conversation, Sarah shows how Senator Ted Cruz:Undermines/invalidates legitimate questions/statements made by the reporter by: being condescending, ignoring the question, changing reality by diverting blame, discrediting by distorting facts, and exaggerating the reporter’s behaviors;Cruz riles up and confuses his base by: using stigmatizing verbiage, distorting facts and shifting blame, presenting half-truths, overstating statements, and using brainwashing statements.Sarah gives a synopsis that answers her question at the beginning. Set Your Alarm: Sarah shares three tips/tools today: one for people who have unknowingly been falling into the trap of political gaslighting; one for people who are desperate to have conversations with people you care about who have fallen into said trap; and one general tip.&nbsp; All three focus on slowing down and getting curious. Personal note from Sarah: I don’t know about you, but this was an intense one!&nbsp; I know I took on a potentially polarizing issue.&nbsp; I hope I have helped you see and/or think about some new things; I hope I have challenged you to seek out truth with empathy for yourself and others. If you have questions, please contact me via my website: sarahmoralescoaching.com.As I wrap up, I’d love to invite you to come be a guest on my podcast? You know where to find me.And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp;And today more than ever before, the anthem of this podcast: Not Today… &nbsp;&nbsp;

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly putting out fires in your relationship while the other person stands and watches? How does this happen, and what part does gaslighting play in this dynamic?&nbsp; Sarah unpacks that in today’s episode as she and her guest discuss how this played out in his intimate partnership. Sarah is on mission to help as many people as she can find clarity, peace, and empowerment.&nbsp; The more she does this podcast, the more this is becoming her greatest passion.&nbsp; She’d love to help YOU.&nbsp; If you’d like to be on her podcast, please don’t hesitate to reach out to her and get on her calendar here.Sarah’s guest today is Dave. Word of the day: Responsibility.&nbsp; Dictionary.com defines responsibility as: the state or fact of being&nbsp;responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one's power, control, or management. Let’s look at one more definition – the definition of responsible: Oxford languages defines responsible as: being the primary cause of something and so able to be blamed or credited for it.&nbsp; There are a number of ways someone can use gaslighting tactics/techniques to avoid taking responsibility for any number of things. As we dive into Dave’s story, we’re going to see a VERY clear picture of how his partner used gaslighting to paint himself as the Victim, in an attempt to pretty much never have to take on any responsibility.&nbsp; Story Time: Sarah and Dave discuss the numerous ways he was gaslit by his partner, with a focus on how his partner used the line, “you (Dave) left me no choice (but to treat you this way) because (I’m the victim in one way or another).Deconstruction Zone: Today was about The Victim role, and how most often the Victim will not discuss or take responsibility for their own faults. What we see in Mike is the classic Victim persona: Highly self-centered; everything revolves around him; Appeals to/preys upon other’s compassion/empathy;***Would like to point out that most people don’t stay in one “role” – they overlap.&nbsp; Sarah named Mike as vacillating between all the roles except maybe the Romancer.Set Your Alarm: Gaslighting crosses gender, orientation, and even type of relationship – meaning, it can be parent to child, friend to friend, intimate partner to intimate partner, etc.&nbsp; If you related to what David experienced in his intimate partnership, and you want to be more “awake” to what’s happening, here’s how you can set your alarm:In addition to keeping an eye out for DARVO, which is when your gaslighter reverses things back on to YOU, pay attention to two things:If you’re not to blame for things, they blame anyone else they can – they are always the one that is the victim in the story.They never see or own up to their part (aka, they never take responsibility for the things that are “within their power, control, or management.”If you are finding the things Sarah is doing in this podcast helpful, check out her free workshop and signature program.&nbsp; Remember– it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp;&nbsp;

Have you ever had the experience of struggling with a label that someone has put on you?&nbsp; Here’s a few for you: co-dependent; too much; too sensitive; intimidating; bitchy; too needy… or maybe, sometimes you’ve found labels to be helpful… here are a few: survivor; creative, empathetic.&nbsp; How do labels and gaslighting connect?&nbsp; How do I know if I’m carrying around labels that are a result of gaslighting?&nbsp; This is what Sarah and her guest talk about in today’s episode.Sarah wants you.. yes, YOU, to be a guest on her podcast.&nbsp; Whether it’s a topic like today’s podcast, or a personal story you want her to discuss – bring it!&nbsp; If you’d like to be on her podcast, please reach out to Sarah and get on her calendar!&nbsp;Just click here.Our guest today is Gaelyn Rae Emerson: a certified professional life, relationship, and divorce recovery coach, credentialed by ICF and APSATS, with advanced training by The Gottman Institute, ISH, and SASH. Gaelyn coaches men, women and couples around the world, via her private practice, Women Ever After. She is also on-staff at CORE Relationship Recovery. Gaelyn is known for (and lives by) her collection of meaningful, expressive, and well-timed quotations. Word of the day: Label.&nbsp; Merriam Webster: a descriptive or identifying word or phrase; or to put a word or words on (something) to identify or describe it. There’s another definition - Oxford languages: a classifying phrase or name applied to a person or thing, especially one that is inaccurate or restrictive.&nbsp; This is where the gaslighting aspect comes in to play.&nbsp; We are hit with labels from SO many different places – FOO, our culture, our society, religion, teachers, coaches, books, commercials, entertainment, and relationships (etc.!).&nbsp; Many of the labels we’ve taken on, we don’t even realize we’ve taken on – which leads us to the discussion today of how to navigate when labels are “positive”, and when they are negative.Story Time: Sarah and Gaelyn share personal stories that demonstrate how labels can be restrictive, helpful, and sometimes both! Deconstruction Zone: When it comes to labels and gaslighting, the main techniques are manipulation, coercion, brainwashing, and indoctrination.&nbsp; People unknowingly take on labels for numerous reasons.&nbsp; Main categories would be: 1) because of the role of the other person; 2) desire for love/acceptance; 3) haven’t had the time to develop a connection to their knowing, or their connection to their knowing has been squelched. Set Your Alarm: When it comes to labels, we REALLY have to stay connected to ourselves so that we don’t take on labels that aren’t in alignment with either our experience or who we are.&nbsp; So, how do we do that? Get curious: what labels do you currently carry?&nbsp; Where (who/what and when) did they come from?&nbsp; Why does this person get to define/label anything for you or about you?&nbsp; What role have they played?&nbsp; Check in with yourself: How do you feel when you hold each label?&nbsp; Does it track? Turn the words should/shouldn’t into red flags… these carry a HIGH probability of self-gaslighting.Gaelyn shares her “Three P’s” to help you set a snooze button with this topic!Wrapping up today - If you are finding the things Sarah’s doing in this podcast helpful, she'd like to invite you to check out her free <a...

Does your gaslighter HAVE to also be a narcissist in order for you to be experiencing gaslighting? Is it an automatic connection, OR, are there other possibilities?&nbsp; Can people gaslight, and NOT be a narcissist… is it possible that they may not even be high in narcissistic tendencies?&nbsp; In today’s episode, Sarah unpacks her copyrighted Gaslighting Scale to help answer these oh-so-important questions. Sarah wanted to share the importance of working with professionals who can help you sort out where on the scale your gaslighter may be.&nbsp; Where your person falls on the scale makes a HUGE difference in how you can safely engage with them (if at all).&nbsp; In addition her workshop, she wanted to let you know about her signature, 12-week program… which she created for this very reason – to help people find clarity and confidence as they navigate if they can safely stay in their relationship with the person that is gaslighting them.&nbsp; If you’re in the place in your healing journey where you know this is what you need, check out the program here. &nbsp;&nbsp;Most of you have heard Sarah’s story, so you know she is a survivor of emotional and psychological abuse.&nbsp; As such, she would NEVER do anything to minimize the impact gaslighting behaviors have on people.&nbsp; Impact is NOT in question when she talks about her scale – INTENT, however, is… hang with Sarah for a few minutes while she shares her broken arm analogy with you.Word of the day: Awareness Vocabulary.com defines aware as having or showing knowledge or understanding or realization (of something or someone).&nbsp; When it comes to gaslighting, for a long time, the Charles Boyer character from the movie, “Gaslight”, was the epitome of what people thought of when they pictured a gaslighter: someone who is fully aware of what they’re doing, they’re doing the gaslighting behaviors ON PURPOSE, and with the INTENTION to break or control the other person.&nbsp; When Sarah first started studying gaslighting and came across Dr. Robin Stern’s book, her stomach sank when she realized she had, at times, been gaslighting her kids.&nbsp; This was the beginning of Sarah challenging this notion that “all gaslighters are narcissists”. Story Time &amp; Deconstruction Zone: Sarah shares her Gaslighting Scale©, and goes through the levels of awareness, and three groupings of motive/agenda/intents people who do gaslighting behaviors may have, giving examples along the way. Set Your Alarm: So, how can you use this information as a tool?&nbsp;Give yourself permission to have BOUNDARIES – whether you have the messy gaslighter or the full-on abusive gaslighter – YOU GET TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED IN ORDER TO BE SAFE!&nbsp; Get curious about any/all of the gaslighters in your life – where might they fit on this scale? What level of awareness might they have?&nbsp; What might be their reason/motive/intention behind their behavior?&nbsp; Getting clear on these things DIRECTLY impact whether or not its safe for you to stay in the relationship and see if the other person can change.&nbsp; (I have more information around this in both my free workshop – and for deeper work, my 12-week program).&nbsp; If you’re ready, consider how/where YOU might fit on this scale – are you unknowingly...

Most of us have some sort of understanding of what trauma is.&nbsp; And also, far too many of us understand betrayal… but did you know that there is this whole thing called betrayal trauma? For those who have experienced it, finding those two words together is a game changer. In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest will discuss how gaslighting is pretty much ALWAYS a part of the betrayal trauma experience. Sarah is on mission to create a community – partially here, through this podcast, but also through a private, on-line community where there will be both a written forum AND live Q and A sessions with her.&nbsp; It’s called Deconstructing Gaslighting Seekers Community, and she’d love for you to join.&nbsp; Check out the details here.Word of the day: Many people who have experienced betrayal in their intimate partnership don’t find the answers they need to understand what they’re feeling until they discover these two words:&nbsp; Betrayal Trauma.&nbsp; If someone close to you has ever broken your trust, you’ve likely felt the sting of betrayal. This pain can leave deep wounds.&nbsp; Now while any type of betrayal can cause emotional distress, betrayal&nbsp;trauma&nbsp;happens when someone you depend on to respect your needs and generally help safeguard your well-being violates the trust you’ve placed in them. This type of betrayal can cause lasting trauma.&nbsp; ALMOST ALWAYS, you will find gaslighting to be a main component of how the betrayal occurred.&nbsp; Storytime: Sarah and Kenna discuss the dual-betrayal Kenna experienced when her then husband had an affair with, and then left her for, her next-door neighbor and best friend.&nbsp;Deconstruction Zone: The main point today has to do with the tactic of inconsistency.&nbsp; Inconsistency has numerous “flavors”, or ways it can be experienced.&nbsp; It often depends on what other tactics it’s overlapping with… Kenna shared a variety of examples where her first husband would say something that was a criticism/put down, and then somehow twist it into it being how they were being helpful to her.&nbsp; This is an example of inconsistency overlapping with double-speak.&nbsp; This combo creates mind-games that can really undermine us.&nbsp; There’s a huge difference between someone who has our back/loves us/cares about us and is what we call an “intimae ally”.&nbsp; Set Your Alarm: The double-speak/inconsistency duo is not even remotely about looking out for the other person – even IF the person says it is.&nbsp; When we are trying to “help” another person, there really shouldn’t be ANY put-downs involved.&nbsp; So, if you are experiencing this gaslighting tactic combo, I encourage you to slow down and give yourself permission to ask yourself a few questions: Where did the put-down happen?&nbsp; How did this put-down make you feel?Do you think there is ANY validity to the point?If so, then how would a loving ally bring the issue up to you?If not, then do I feel safe having a conversation with this person around how you do not see yourself this way, and to stop using put-downs to communicate their points.&nbsp;If it’s not safe to have that type of conversation, then try to work on boundaries/limits with this person.As always, if you would like to share your story on Sarah’s podcast, She’d love to have you!&nbsp; Just click here!&nbsp; And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want...

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have a coaching session?&nbsp; Or to get a gaslighting specialist take the situation you’re dealing with, unpack it for you in the moment, and help you identify that elusive, “Why does this keep happening?” or “Why can’t I seem to break the hold this has on me?”Today Sarah has a brave soul who volunteered to share her story in a little bit of a different format… that is, Sarah basically does a coaching session with her, and you, dear listeners, get to listen in.&nbsp; Word of the day: Today’s word of the day is DISTORTION. &nbsp;To distort something is to change it from its original, natural, or intended meaning, condition, or shape, especially in a negative way.&nbsp; Distortion is a MAJOR tactic of gaslighting - typically a powerful one because things start out “true”, but when the distortion kicks in, we are thrown off… the ½ truths confuse and open the door for self-doubt to creep in.&nbsp;Distorting statements that are especially potent usually distort the facts in such a way that it plays on our values.&nbsp; Rachel’s story is the perfect example...Storytime: Sarah and Rachel go through the circumstances that led to Rachel assimilating her gaslighter’s point a view; a view that led her to pretty much hate herself and beat herself up on the daily; a view steeped in shame.They discuss the way Rachel was betrayed, was the betrayer, and then the betrayed again – and while SHE did everything she could to make amends and repair the relationship, her gaslighter has held it over her head, while continuing to betray her, then using her betrayal to justify any and every hurtful thing he does. Mini Deconstruction Zone: Main mind-fuck tactics: Inconsistency – his particular flavor of inconsistency is to change the rules based on who’s playing!&nbsp; He’s like a referee who calls more penalties on the team he’s not rooting for, and pretends like he doesn’t see flagrant fouls on “his” team.Highlighting “flaws” – exaggeration of faults, projection, and cutting remarksIgnoring reality Changing reality – twisting statements/facts; minimizing his behaviors, and DISTORTIONSet Your Alarm: Sarah wraps up our time together with two tools… if we were in a “proper” coaching session, Sarah would likely give you these two things as “homework”: 1) Sort out distortion from truth – draw/print up a table with four columns: What happened/what was said – what would someone be able to record on their phone video?What are your thoughts and feelings about what happened/what was said?WHAT DO YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE? Make sure you’re coming from your p.o.v., not your gaslighter’s p.o.v. – give yourself time to sink into your knowing – if too foggy (gaslighting side effect) – bring it to your therapist, coach, or support group (like my Deconstructing Gaslighting Seekers group).&nbsp; You’ll get there.What do you need to do, based on what you know to be true? 2) Mantra: I define me! (Main focus for today is you get to define your values) So, dear listener, if you would like to share your story on my podcast, I’d love to have you!&nbsp; Go here and click on the “contact” tab.&nbsp; And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp; And now I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today… &nbsp;

Does trying to name what IS and ISN’T gaslighting feel difficult and confusing? When you read the various definitions, and then try to apply it to your situation, do you feel lost or unsure of how to relate it back to your experience? In today’s episode, Sarah shares her definition of gaslighting, and points out a few key things that will help you have a better grasp on what gaslighting is, and when it’s happening. At the time of this recording, Sarah just launched her new workshop.&nbsp; If you are searching for more information like what she shares today, her FREE workshop has this information and more – AND, it’s accessible immediately via her three, pre-recorded videos.&nbsp; Go here and click on the E1 Workshop tab to gain access.Word of the day: GASLIGHTING!&nbsp; Sarah explains why and how she came to her definition: when a person (or group of people), through covert behaviors, convinces another person that what they perceive, believe, think, or feel, is inaccurate or invalid. Deconstruction Zone: Main pointsGaslighting is both a behavior that someone does and an experience that someone has.&nbsp;The behavior MUST be covert - that would include things like lying, manipulation, etc.), AND the experience that someone has must end up in them being convinced to discard their thoughts/feelings/beliefs/perceptions about something, and take on the other person’s thoughts/feelings/beliefs/perceptions as their own. Sarah shares an illustration about a client that has blond hair to demonstrate this principle, and the difference between a gaslighting experience and a gaslighting ATTEMPT.When gaslighting is happening, there is no room for more than ONE perspective/thought/belief/feeling.&nbsp; The person who is doing the gaslighting behavior can’t or won’t hold space for any other perspective than theirs being the “right” one, and they will use COVERT means to get those in relationship with them to take on their perspective as their own.&nbsp; Sarah illustrates this point, too, through a discussion about the weather over a zoom call. Sarah shared two common experiences that are mislabeled as gaslighting:Someone disagreeing with you or trying to convince you of something.&nbsp; If there’s no covert behaviors – if there’s no manipulation, coercion, brainwashing, etc., then this is NOT gaslighting. So, to sum up, gaslighting is a when you add COVERT behaviors PLUS a person being convinced by those covert behaviors, to discard their truth and take on whatever the gaslighter is telling them to take on. Again – want to know more?&nbsp; Check out Sarah’s workshop… want to MASTER this information?&nbsp; Check out Sarah’s 12-week program! &nbsp;Let’s see how we can turn this into some tools as we set our alarm…Set Your Alarm: Wondering if what you are experiencing is gaslighting – firstly, focus on where you have power – yourself.&nbsp; Do you feel like you are losing connection to your knowing? Are you doubting the validity of your thoughts/feelings/beliefs/perceptions? Can you see where you’ve been convinced to change the way you think/feel/believe or perceive something?&nbsp; Secondly, can you identify any covert behaviors (this is the trickier part – and again, why Sarah has her 12 week program)? Can you spot manipulation, lies or coercion (to name just a few)?&nbsp; Want to be a guest on Sarah’s...

In Sarah’s first full episode, she shared with y’all the story of her journey to healing and becoming a gaslighting specialist.&nbsp; Today, she wanted to share the story of her transformation; of stepping fully into her power and magic as she invites you to join her new community. Click HERE to read more about the Deconstructing Gaslighting™ Seekers Community!Today’s guests are Annie and Lauren, whom you met in Sarah’s first two, full length episodes.&nbsp; These two amazing women were a part of her founding members program, and when Sarah first knew it was time to rebrand and relaunch some of her offerings, she KNEW these two magical humans needed to be a part of the party that would usher this new thing in.&nbsp; Word of the day: Transformation is defined as a complete change in the appearance or character of something or someone, especially so that that thing or person is improved.&nbsp; Now, what most listeners will relate to is the transformation that is birthed from brokenness.&nbsp; Sarah read a quote from Glennon Doyle in 2016 from her Momastery blog: “You can be shattered and then you can put yourself back together piece by piece… but what can happen over time is this: You wake up one day and realize that you have put yourself back together completely differently”.Story Time: Sarah, Lauren and Annie discuss the ins and outs of the things Sarah needed to work through to truly transform and step fully into alignment with her authentic self, power and magic!Deconstruction Zone: Come back next week for your regularly scheduled programming.&nbsp; 😉 Set Your Alarm: &nbsp;About a year ago, Sarah launched her Deconstructing Gaslighting 12-week coaching program and invited five women to be her Founding Members.&nbsp; There was a beautiful, symbiotic experience that happened: seeing and experiencing the way the program that she had worked SO HARD on was absolutely transforming these women’s lives, she transformed, too. These women allowed Sarah to see just how much power and magic she had, and they inspired her to continue to evolve in the work that she does.&nbsp; It’s why she now knows that she is meant to coach people into places of clarity, confidence, being empowered, awake, and free – AND, she’s meant to blow shit up!&nbsp; Like with this podcast – she was born to bring awareness and freedom to people.&nbsp; And so now, Sarah invites you to check out my her community that will be a place you can ask your questions and get answers from her – both in writing, AND in bi-weekly, LIVE Q and A’s with her.&nbsp; Sarah would LOVE to take this community into something more interactive and connected!Want to be a guest on podcast?&nbsp; Submit your request here. Remember– it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp;And today, more than ever, our anthem…

Do you ever feel like there’s an imbalance in your relationship… like you’re not able (or allowed) to show up in the way you want to? In today’s episode, Sarah deconstruct how the Mr. or Mrs. Perfect role can gaslight you into settling for less than you deserve.At the time of this recording, Sarah’s about to launch a new format for her workshop that is going to make it so much more accessible!&nbsp; Check it out at here website: here!The guest today is Renee.&nbsp; Word of the day:&nbsp;Mutuality is defined as “having the same relationship toeach other; directed and received by each toward the other; reciprocal”.&nbsp; When it comes to gaslighting, the LACK of mutuality is what we look for, and, almost always, how it is combined with the gaslighter being the victim/you being the one at fault for any lack of mutuality.&nbsp; Renee’s story is a great example of how this presents itself in an intimate partnership…&nbsp; Story Time:&nbsp;Sarah and Renee discuss the conflicting messages that caused so much confusion, especially surrounding Renee’s partner NOT treating her as a partner:Deconstruction Zone: Today Sarah highlighted one of the roles she teaches about – “Mr/Mrs. Perfect”.&nbsp; Renee’s story highlights almost every checkmark Sarah teaches about this persona.&nbsp; Mr./Mrs. Perfect can be hard to spot, but here are the ways Sarah connected Renee’s ex to this role:He used “love-bombing” (apartment; wouldn’t “allow” Renee to help; told her to focus on herself) to appear as if all he wanted to do was support her.He exhibited the “soft-spoken yet passive aggressive” behavior – 1) Using DARVO to make it seem like he was always the victim – she was suffocating him. 2) Whenever Renee would object to something, confront him on something, or ask for something he didn’t want to do/give he would respond with: he was the one who had doubts about the relationship or he would “punish” by withdrawing/silent treatment.He used what we call “therapy talk” to confuse Renee: 1) Had no responsibility in her happiness – she had to work on that for herself. 2) They had “childhood patterns” that they had to break (that’s why they had to break up). He seemed to jump between Mr. Perfect and The Bully, with his controlling, withholding, guilt tripping superior attitude – but he did it in a way that always painted him either as the Victim or in a good light (by using DARVO to put the blame on Renee). When you have this combo – especially when they are very successful and/or well liked in the community, it creates a deep sense of confusion: why does it seem like I am the only one experiencing them this way?&nbsp; “There must be something wrong with me” is what we often end up thinking, and then believing.Set your Alarm: When it comes to identifying Mr./Mrs. Perfect, the quickest way to unmask them is to set your alarm to the tune of “Mutuality”, because there almost never is any.&nbsp; Oh sure, they’ll do lots of things that appear to be good, but when you take stock, it’s typically only the “good” things they want to do.&nbsp; Friends – mutuality is a WHOLE THING.&nbsp; You are not asking for, nor expecting too much when you desire it – you get to require it of the people you are in relationship with. Want to be a guest on podcast or have a question for Sarah?&nbsp; Submit your requesthere. Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Have you ever felt in your relationship like you go from, “I can do no wrong” to “I can’t do a damn thing right”?&nbsp; There are a number of reasons why you may experience this.&nbsp; In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs how gaslighting plays a part in one such reason: the experience of “Hoovering”. At the time of this recording, Sarah’s in the middle of launching some exciting new things.&nbsp; She’d be pumped for you to check them out on my website, here. Sarah’s guest today is Mary.&nbsp; Mary is a graduate student on her way to earning a PhD in history.&nbsp; She enjoys hiking, traveling, watching old movies, listening to vinyl records, and drinking beer. Mary lives in New Jersey with her wife Amber and cat Cricket Jo.Word of the day: Hoovering is done when a person (typically a narcissist) thinks the victim/ person they abuse or control is seeking to move away; it’s an attempt to reclaim the sense of power and control by causing distress; if a source of supply pulls away or tries to go no contact, the narcissist may attempt to hoover (as in vacuum-suck) them back within his/her realm of control.&nbsp; Gaslighting behaviors are almost always a part of this dynamic. One way we can see this played out is in a family of origin context where there’s fluctuation between being treated as “The Golden Child” and the “Scapegoat”.&nbsp; Mary’s story in a clear and profound example of this dynamic.Storytime: Sarah and Mary discuss the details of Mary’s relationship with her narcissistic mother, and dig deep into the dynamic of the extreme fluctuation between golden child and scapegoat Mary experienced. &nbsp;How Mary’s Mom called herself a “Prophet”, and how this set her up to be unable to be challenged. How Mary went from “the child of promise; god’s little lamb” to “the messed-up child who needed saving, and only her mom could help her” once she graduated high school.Mary shared her experience of extreme control as a young 20-something – from her bedtime to the things she ate, all because she was a part of the “Green Beret Christian Training Program”. What helped Mary finally be able to break free.Deconstruction Zone: Sarah deconstructs the main points around love-bombing, undermining, coercion, and mind games. Sarah shows Mary some things to look out for moving forward, and validates how in Mary’s extreme situation, mastering the skills used in the Negotiation Trap was a survival skill! (That no longer serve her). Set Your Alarm: If you can relate to today’s topic, here are three things in setting your alarm: 1) Reach out to a safe friend, helping professional (therapist/coach/layperson) , or even a domestic violence center.&nbsp; 2) Start keeping track of things – safely… keep track of conversations, and keep track of WHEN the different messages are being said.&nbsp; 3) This one will be hard, but start trying to ask yourself, “If I were free to be me, I’d (want this, feel this, ask for this, not allow this, do this differently) – give yourself permission to not act on what you discover right away – you’re just being curious and trying to reconnect to yourself.&nbsp; Want to be a guest on podcast?&nbsp; Submit your request here. Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp; &nbsp;

Have you ever found yourself questioning the ideas, opinions, or beliefs of those around you - whether that be your family, your church, your community, or even society at large – but not feel it’s OKAY to question them?&nbsp; In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs how that could be due to gaslighting.&nbsp; Our guest today is the Queen of Intimacy, Jenni Rochelle! (jennirochelle.com; Instagram: @thejennirochelle; Beauty After Betrayal podcast)Word of the day: Indoctrinate: Falls under the umbrella of brainwashing, but different in that with indoctrination, the situations revolve around groups as opposed to 1:1.&nbsp; Here’s the definition: to teach (someone) to fully accept the ideas, opinions, and beliefs of a particular group and to not consider other ideas, opinions, and beliefs.&nbsp; When deconstructing, Sarah pulls apart things that almost always overlap – think of H2O, or water.&nbsp; Two parts hydrogen, one part water.&nbsp; The gaslighting we experience in the religious, cultural, and societal constructs are like H2O – but it would be I2C: two parts indoctrinate, one part coercion.&nbsp; Basically, to be loved, approved, and accepted (or “worthy”/wanted), you have to align your ideas, opinions, and beliefs to theirs.&nbsp; Today, Sarah and Jenni explore the ways they experienced this revolving around the topic of sex.So, trigger warning….Storytime: Sarah and Jenni talk about the ways they experienced gaslighting around sex – messages they were directly/indirectly told as they were growing up that led to these main beliefs: sex is not okay; sex is shameful.&nbsp;They further discussed the nuances of gaslighting around FEMINE sexuality, and the direct/indirect messages that led to these main beliefs: women aren’t supposed to like sex; women give pleasure, we don’t receive pleasure; women should be responsive - they shouldn’t be initiators/we should wait.Deconstruction Zone: Grandmother/religion/culture/society = collective gaslighter.&nbsp; Through patriarchal and puritanical messages, the validity of questioning things was challengedBrainwashing/indoctrinated: there was only one “right” way to enjoy sex + the distortion that even just having curiosity was “sinful”; sinful = unacceptable = threat to the attachment (exclusion).Desire to be loved/accepted/included/wanted by others + the gaslighting = conflict between self-love and getting the love of others.&nbsp; Fell into explanation trap/negotiation trap… sacrificed truth/voice needs because the blame Jenni took on for the gap between what was being “taught” to her and what she felt in her knowing. WAY easier to do than take on a whole-ass construct!Repetition of this sacrificing = Jenni to become disconnected from self = unable to express own feelings/needs/perception (sexually repressed)Set Your Alarm: Jenni shared her tip of “Going slow is your super-power” – getting curious and ASKING the questions where you think/feel something different.&nbsp; To get clear about sexual things, specifically, work on getting in touch with your body; pay attention to the expansion/contraction.Set the snooze: Regarding the Explanation trap – pay attention to when the explanation does NOT bring relief/understanding, but rather causes more confusion, anxiety, and fear. Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp; Have a question you'd

Did you know that we can unknowingly gaslight OURSELVES?&nbsp; Why do we do that?&nbsp; How might that show up in our lives?&nbsp; In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest will deconstruct one of the ways people gaslight themselves, as we talk about an example from her life. If you’re learning from the things Sarah is doing in this podcast, Sarah would like to invite you to attend her FREE workshop.&nbsp; Find out more details, like when the next workshop will be, on her website here. The guest today is the AMAZING MJ DENIS! Word of the day: CATASTOPHIZE - According to the APS dictionary of psychology, to catastrophize is: to exaggerate the negative consequences of events or decisions. People are said to be catastrophizing when they think that the worst possible outcome will occur from a particular action or in a particular situation or when they feel as if they are in the midst of a catastrophe in situations that may be serious and upsetting but are not necessarily disastrous.Story Time: Sarah and MJ discuss how catastrophizing, though being a normal, human way of expressing our anxiety, is something that falls into self-gaslighting.MJ gives a few examples of how it sounds, including the moment she knew she wasn’t “okay” during her post-partum depression. They talk about how it’s distorting our own reality, and how this pulls us out of alignment and our of our power.&nbsp;Deconstruction Zone: There are a number of ways and reasons a person may gaslight themselves.Catastrophizing falls under Changing Reality.&nbsp; When we do this to ourselves, we are unknowingly distorting the facts (cognitive distortion) of things we either HAVE experienced, or MAY experience.&nbsp; This is a negative distortion – either in the way of how people will view us, or the “danger/harm” we may experience. Main reason why people unknowingly do this: Survival/Trauma response: our brain’s job is to protect us/assess for potential hurt/harm… ongoing trauma can exacerbate this or cause this function of our brain to work on over-drive.&nbsp; “Situation” = FEAR of rejection/some sort of punishment or retaliation = if I can predict the hurt/harm, I might be able to avoid it = we “forecast” worst case scenario, and we think we can protect ourselves. &nbsp;***Is actually DISempowering, bc we can’t use the right tool(s) we may need.Set Your Alarm: UHH Scale – Uncomfortable/Hurt/Harm – we can use this scale a few ways; for catastrophizing: 1) What is the situation?&nbsp; – notice any vagueness – get specific. 2) What am I “making up” is happening/will happen (energy of understanding my brain will fill in any gaps)? 3) Get curious – am I exaggerating anything? Am I distorting the facts anywhere? 4) Where on the UHH scale would this fall? Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp; Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on her podcast here &nbsp;

Have you ever found yourself playing the “If/then” game?&nbsp; Like, “If I could only (do this better), then they wouldn’t get so upset with me”?&nbsp; That can be due to experiencing gaslighting, and Sarah is here to deconstruct that for you so that you don’t fall into it anymore!If you’re listening for the first time, Sarah works with people in a variety of ways to understand gaslighting, shift the power, and heal from the effects gaslighting has had on them.&nbsp; If you’d like to learn more, please visit her website here. Word of the day: Concession: the act of conceding or yielding, as a right, a privilege, or a point or fact in an argument; something allowed or given up, often in order to end a disagreement.&nbsp; One of Sarah’s biggest passions is to help people awaken to how they are making concessions in their lives and relationships.&nbsp; Jeannie’s story is the perfect example of how this sounds, AND plays out in our lives…Storytime: Sarah and Jeannie discuss the recurring experience with Jeannie’s ex-boyfriend, where she was told to make choices, but when she did, she experienced a variety of gaslighting behaviors that were basically consequences (unless her choice was the same one her ex wanted, too). They talked about the role of the “non-choice choice”, or what ended up being a mirage of having choice… Jeannie’s ex only made it LOOK like she had a choice, but she didn’t.&nbsp; They talk about the role of making concessions in their dynamic; how she would sacrifice her needs/safety in order to benefit him/his needs.Deconstruction Zone: The main point: the Ex’s end game; It jumped out at Sarah when she read Jeannie’s words: “I quickly learned that he wanted to know what I wanted, as long as that was what he wanted too.”Predominant gaslighting pattern:Mind games: make it look like he gave Jeannie a choice &gt; only okay when it’s what he also wanted; when not what he wanted – “dealer’s choice” (including combinations of the following):Exaggerate his wounds, highlight her “flaws”, refuse to accept answers, give in and then be resentful/find something to be upset about and then blame her (DARVO).All = undermine, break down and controlCombined with coercionEffect = Break down of independence = “conditioned” The combination of Jeannie trying to see things from other’s perspective + seeing/doing the work of trying to anticipate/meet needs/balance his moods filters into the Empathy and Negotiation traps… put these two together, and it’s the perfect recipe for making concessions: “they feel this way because ____, and IF I can _____, then ______ (Negotiation).&nbsp; Set Your Alarm: Two things to pay attention to:Concession vs compromisePause vs discardRemember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp;Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here &nbsp;&nbsp;

Narcissism. Manipulation. Toxic behavior.&nbsp;Dark Triad. Gaslighting… all buzz words – do you ever wonder if there’s a difference, and if so, what IS the difference? &nbsp;In today’s episode Sarah deconstruct her guest, Nicole’s FOO in a way that will address these questions.&nbsp; If you’d like to learn more about these types of things, you are invited to attend Sarah’s FREE workshop. Read all about when the next one starts and get the details here.&nbsp; Word of the day: TOXIC, as in toxic person/relationship. Definition per webmd:&nbsp;anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. When it comes to gaslighting, the KEY is recognizing and understanding the impact a person’s toxic behaviors has on you.&nbsp;Per my definition of gaslighting, your thoughts/feelings/perceptions are CHANGED due to the other person influence.&nbsp;In other words, it's possible for someone to exhibit toxic behaviors to end up gaslighting us, AND, it’s possible for someone’s toxic behaviors to NOT gaslight us.&nbsp; Story Time: Sarah and Nicole talk about the pigeon-holing Nicole and her sister experienced as children, and the impact that had on how she saw herself (the limiting beliefs she carried into adulthood).&nbsp;They then contrast that with toxic behavior Nicole has experienced, over and over, around family holidays – and &nbsp;yet, in THESE situations, Nicole was NOT gaslit.Sarah and Nicole discuss the key differences, including the difference between having emotional responses to toxic behaviors vs being gaslit (altering thoughts/feelings/beliefs/action) by toxic behaviors. Deconstruction Zone: The pigeonholing Nicole’s mom did can be broken down into this pattern of gaslighting:Combination of coercion and brainwashing: She defined WHO Nicole was (what she was good at, etc) = changing/ignoring of reality + minimizing/trivializing of talents that fit outside of her description of NicoleCoercion (ZERO intent/awareness) + reinforcing messages (aka brainwashing) by rewarding when she “performed” according to what pleased her.&nbsp; Over time, we don’t just do this to get love, we assimilate these expectations/definitions of ourselves.Nicole was “vulnerable” to gaslighting = the parent/child dynamic, when the parent has toxic behaviors/patterns, it can turn normal/natural/HUMAN desires into vulnerabilities for being gaslit: desire to believe/trust the person + desire to be seen/understood, and experience approval from the person + desire to be loved by the person…Without emotional maturity, self-awareness, and connection to our knowing, makes us vulnerable to unknowingly allowing ourselves to be defined by other people. Set Your Alarm: Be mindful of when the desire to understand ALLLL the things becomes all-consuming.&nbsp; You don’t have to read every article on all the buzz words.&nbsp; While it can be helpful, the MOST helpful thing is to sink inward –asking yourself how you FEEL in the relationship is the truest truth you can find.&nbsp; So today’s tip is to strive for balance in your search for understanding between what is happening outside of you, and what is happening INSIDE of you, with tipping the scale, ALWAYS, in favor of sinking in to your knowing.&nbsp; Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp; Have a question for Sarah, or want to share your experience on the podcast? Click here &nbsp;

Are all people who gaslight also narcissists?&nbsp;Have you ever wondered if it’s not that one-dimensional?&nbsp; In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs her guest’s experience in a way that will help answer these questions.My guest today is Cat Etherington.&nbsp;Cat is a certified professional life coach and integrative counselling practitioner.&nbsp;She currently serves as Director of Recovery for Naked Truth Project, an international nonprofit offering support to individuals and couples impacted by problematic sexual behaviors.Word of the day: SCALE, as in “Behavioral Observation Scale”.&nbsp;In Sarah’s work with the topic of gaslighting, she saw that there was a WIDE variety of gaslighting experiences.&nbsp;Most importantly the level of the gaslighter’s awareness and the different “motives” for resorting to gaslighting behaviors. So, she created her “Scale of Gaslighting as a Behavior”.&nbsp;We all are familiar with the Charles Boyer/”The narcissist” end of the scale; in Cat’s story, you’ll get a REALLY clear picture of the other side of the scale – and, how EVEN when someone is unaware that they are gaslighting, the impact can STILL be traumatic and damaging.&nbsp;(Want to get an in-depth understanding of my scale? Sign up for my workshop here!)Story Time: Sarah and Cat discuss what could be considered “low-level” gaslighting by Cat’s dad throughout her childhood: Revealed the culprit of Cat’s story: when any negative emotion was expressed, her dad would say, “Don’t be silly…”.Deconstruction Zone: The main aspect is the roles – when someone holds a role of authority or love (or, in this case, both), it’s normal/natural/human to TRUST them. As a child, Cat looked to her dad for the information on how to live life – how to navigate relationships, etc.&nbsp; Role + “risk” of wanting to trust + desire to be good enough/loved by your parent = Cat vulnerable to unknowingly allowing her dad to define for her how to live/feel/behave, etc. Combine this with the gaslighting Cat’s dad did = her to see parts of herself as negative (even unwelcome) = she stuffed that part.&nbsp; She got sucked into the negotiation trap: “If I can not be “a silly girl”, then I will be loved.”Cat’s dad’s statement of “Don’t be a silly girl” was a minimizing statement of her feelings that carried a negative connotation. While he was unaware of what he was doing, he basically brainwashed Cat into believing that being silly was “bad”, and that certain feelings were silly = certain feelings were bad.Set Your Alarm: Understanding that gaslighting behaviors are on a scale allows us to approach it with a different energy – that is, with curiosity rather than fear.&nbsp;To live awake and free, Sarah’s tip today is these three things that can help you do this:Get safe – make sure you are in a safe place – even better, with safe people.Get grounded – do some rectangular breathing, body tapping, meditate, whatever gets you grounded in the present moment (where you are safe).Give yourself permission to not have to make a decision right now about whatever you discover as you get curious – detach from the outcome of what you find.Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp; Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast <a href="https://www.sarahmoralescoaching.com/contact" rel="noopener...

Have you ever had someone just completely ignore you, or cut off communication with you, for seemingly no reason?&nbsp; And when that happened, were you like today’s guest, Haley – did you ask yourself what YOU did wrong to cause that response?&nbsp; Today Sarah unpacks the pattern of Haley’s relationship with her ex to explain why we often put up with this type of behavior for FAR TOO LONG!&nbsp; If you’re ready to deconstruct the gaslighting in your life so that you can live awake and free, Sarah wants to teach you how.&nbsp; Check out her “Deconstructing Gaslighting” programs here! &nbsp;&nbsp;Word of the day: As a gaslighting tactic, inconsistency can show up in a variety of ways; the main thing we want to look for is THE PATTERN of inconsistency and then pay attention to what happens in our minds and hearts as a result of the inconsistency. Haley’s story highlights this so potently…Story Time: Sarah and Hayley talk about the pattern of some (usually unknown) event being a catalyst for her then boyfriend to either just up and ghost her, or criticize and blame her, and then ghost her.&nbsp; After a period of time, he would reappear in her life, and justify his ghosting with some victim-y story, typically combined with a non-apology apology, and THEN he would love-bomb her to draw her back in.&nbsp; They talked about the self-gaslighting and self-abandonment this eventually happened for Haley, and, how she found peace. Deconstruction Zone: The pattern of behaviors from Haley’s ex, and how they “hooked” her: Ignoring reality – not answering texts, not letting Haley know what was bothering him, etc. WHICH IS A POWER PLAY. Whenever it pleased him, he would come back and exaggerate his wounds, painting himself as a victim.AND THEN… the love-bombing to lure Haley back in/forgive.&nbsp; WASH AND REPEAT.Inconsistency + coercion = Haley suffering from mind games. Haley’s desire to keep the relationship going + desire to fix things/make them come out well = losing connection to her knowing/perception. Combined with her ex’s gaslighting, this led to self-gaslighting in the form of questioning/blaming herself, as well as something we call “false hope”.&nbsp; Set Your Alarm: Look for inconsistency: 1) When a person’s word, actions, and energy don’t line up.&nbsp; 2) When they say one thing one day, and something completely opposite on another day.&nbsp; Now – people are allowed to change their minds… we’re talking about when people change what they’re saying in such a way that you can NEVER do it right. This is not about them changing their mind – this is a power play, and a way to keep you in a place of confusion, which, ultimately, makes you easier to influence/control.&nbsp; IF you think this is happening in your relationship, start tracking it.&nbsp; Look to see if there is a pattern.&nbsp; Closing: And thank you, my listener, for listening to today’s episode.&nbsp; If you found it helpful, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.&nbsp; And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp; And now I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today… Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions hereWant to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here &nbsp;

“How do I heal from gaslighting?” In today’s episode, Sarah and her guest Emily talk about the journey of connecting with her knowing, and how that translates to being able to stand her ground in the face of a gaslighting attempt.&nbsp; Do you want to learn how to stand your ground, too? Check out the 12-week program Sarah created specifically for this reason!&nbsp;(There’s also an option for a 1:1 package, too). Word of the day: KNOWING – Sarah read an excerpt from Glennon Doyle’s book: Untamed.Story time: Sarah and Emily talk about her “Day Before Thanksgiving Story” experience with the man in the parking lot, who almost backed up into her, then tried to intimidate and bully her!Emily shared the aggressive/intimidating things he did; how she was able to stay in her knowing, AND, yet, how a trauma response was still something she experienced. Sarah talked about the reasons why recognizing these types of “minor” gaslighting incidents are important: We need to understand how pervasive gaslighting behaviors are.&nbsp; Emily and Sarah talked about the fact that while Emily’s response here was an empowered one – it was one that came YEARS after she learned about and began working on healing from gaslighting.&nbsp; They went back to the “Old Emily” and shared how different her response to this situation would have been.Sarah and Emily talked about how different it is now, and how out of alignment a response like that would be, now.&nbsp; This is when Emily emphasized that point by saying how she’s “A spicy tamale – you can’t gaslight me!”Deconstruction Zone: What stood out to Sarah was how this person stepped into the role of THE BULLY.He used both non-verbal and verbal intimidation; changed reality by distorting the facts and exaggerating about Emily’s behaviors; ignored reality by refusing to accept facts contrary to his feelings/thoughts.; he undermined by being condescending, disrespectful, and using cutting remarks.This COULD have led to mind games and ultimately to someone losing connection to what they knew to be true.&nbsp; Even though that DIDN’T happen, Sarah created “Old Emily’s” flow-chart:Didn’t really see who she is; not fully in her “knowing”, had not fully embraced her power.Creates an energy/“base-line” of self-doubt, which leads to being uncomfortable with disagreement and having a hard time acknowledging when someone was treating her badly.This led Old Emily to take on self-blame and focus on keeping the peace.Emily and Sarah discussed what it takes, and what it feels like, to connect with our knowing.&nbsp; Set Your Alarm:&nbsp; Set an intention to “grow your knowing”; give yourself permission to “check in with yourself”; and don’t forget: growing your knowing is like shopping for jeans.&nbsp; Closing: Thank you for listening to today’s episode.&nbsp; If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.&nbsp; And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp; And now I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today… Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast <a href="https://www.sarahmoralescoaching.com/contact"...

Have you ever said, “I used to be (so confident; more fun; more relaxed, etc)?”. In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs how the gaslighting tactic of UNDERMINING is often the culprit for this experience as she unpacks the main dynamics in her guest Kayla’s relationship with her ex.&nbsp; Word of the day: Undermine – when it comes to gaslighting, undermining is a technique often used to cause the other person to lose connection with and trust in themselves.&nbsp; When we no longer know who we are, there’s no way we can trust ourselves; and if we can’t trust ourselves, we become more and more vulnerable to other people defining for us who we are, and how we should live.&nbsp; Want to know if you’re experiencing gaslighting?&nbsp; Check out my free self-assessment here!Story Time: Sarah and Kayla discuss the numerous ways her ex gaslit her into becoming a smaller and smaller version of herself.&nbsp; How Kayla went from being single, thriving, and knowing what she wanted from an intimate partner, to feeling a mere shadow of her former self.When the relationship first started with her ex, everything was almost perfect, but then the “Honeymoon” phase ended abruptly about four months into the relationship.&nbsp;How Kayla’s search for answers led her to attachment theories, to learning about narcissism, to, eventually, gaslighting.How Kayla “began a crusade” focusing only on his needs and ignoring all of her needs.Sarah and Kayla discussed the main areas of gaslighting Kayla endured; about her darkest days towards the end of that relationship, and where she is today. Deconstruction Zone: Sarah focused on what stood out to her – CHALLENGING THE VALIDITY OF YOUR FEELINGS, NEEDS, DESIRES, ETC.Sarah highlighted: Brainwashing &amp; Mind GamesThrough HIGHLIGHTING FLAWS &amp; UNDERMININGSounds like: focusing on your faults &amp; exaggerating them; “You’re too needy; you’re insecure; you need to work on yourself, etc.”***He was especially insidious because he was insulting/critical about things that were Kayla’s insecurities AND strengths &amp; accomplishments.Kayla’s empathy = disregard own needs and feelingsDesire to “fix” it (Kayla’s “competitiveness”) exemplified the explanation trap = self-gaslight/take on blame.Negotiation trap – “If I could be better; I need to work on myself to be better for us.”Set Your Alarm: When it comes to undermining, pay special attention to two things we saw in Kayla’s story: 1) Criticism or insults in areas you typically feel confident in; 2) Using withdrawal/silent treatment when you do something the other person doesn’t like OR you won’t do something they want you to do.&nbsp; In a healthy relationship, the other person celebrates your strengths and is your biggest fan; they want to see you thriving. They also listen to you, respect you, and validate you when you want something other than what they want. Thank you for listening to today’s episode.&nbsp; If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.&nbsp; And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp;Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here &nbsp;

Have you ever felt like you’re the one to blame for all the problems in the relationship?&nbsp; Why is that?&nbsp; What is that called? In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs a gaslighting experience, highlighting the D.A.R.V.O. method.&nbsp; Join Sarah and her guest, Lauren, as they talk about Lauren’s relationship with her ex. &nbsp;They’ll get specific about a trip to the mountains, and how that epitomized so many gaslighting experiences in Lauren’s relationship with her ex.&nbsp; .Word of the day: D.A.R.V.O., which stands for defend/deny, attack, reverse victim offender.&nbsp; The main point here being VICTIM.&nbsp; Many people who do gaslighting behaviors are never to blame for their behaviors, choices, or even feelings – it’s your fault, their mom’s fault, heck – even the dog’s fault – but NEVER theirs.&nbsp; Story time: Sarah and Lauren talk about Lauren’s relationship with her ex-husband of six years, and some of the components of the gaslighting experiences she had: He would say that if only she would do x, y, or z, then maybe he could find a way to feel that way about her again.&nbsp; So she would do x, y, *and* z and it wouldn’t work.This is where we started talking about “The Dangling Carrot”!&nbsp;Deconstruction Zone:Gaslighter’s behavior: Used D.A.R.V.O. to avoid taking responsibilityFlowchart:Undermining, coercion, overstating his needs + minimizing her attempts to love, belittling, punishing by withdrawing/silent treatment, and putting the responsibility on her to “fix it”.Diversion, ignoring reality/ignoring her requests, “highlighting flaws”, and invalidating her needs and feelings. Gaslightee’s flowchart: Explanation &amp; Negotiation traps – hard time acknowledging being treating badly &amp; self-blame = I can “fix” it.Set your alarm: Look out for DARVO.&nbsp; Biggest key is imbalance – if the other person is pretty much NEVER taking responsibility for things/someone else is always to blame; they paint themselves as victim (joke about chalk); and especially if YOU are the one that is always at fault, whatever the reason may be.&nbsp; Slow down, check in with yourself – get curious.Closing: Thank you for listening to today’s podcast.&nbsp; If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.&nbsp; And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!&nbsp; And once again, I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today… Visit Sarah's website to download her FREE guide: How to handle a gaslighting experience when you see one and/or Assessment here Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here Want to be on the podcast and have Sarah deconstruct your gaslighting experience? Request to be on podcast here

In this episode, Sarah shares her passion for this podcast, the meaning and significance behind the concept of “Deconstructing”, AND WHY is it a crucial part of getting free and healing from gaslighting.&nbsp; Listen in as Sarah and her guest, Lauren, talk about Lauren’s experiences of Deconstructing Gaslighting, and how it can be helpful in transforming your life.&nbsp; You’ll smile as you hear Lauren’s giggles throughout, raise a “ME TOO”, as Lauren talks about how gaslighting caused debilitating anxiety, and shout out a “YES QUEEN”, as we talk about how identifying the self-gaslighting allows us to re-write the narrative.&nbsp; Lauren is a registered nurse, wife, mom, fiery Aries, passionate feminist, and all-around badass!&nbsp; Word of the day: Deconstruct - to break something down into its separate parts in order to understand its meaning, especially when this is different from how it was previously understood. Story time: Why (and what is) Deconstructing? Why as a podcast? #1 – Validation, shame reduction, solidarity and community#2 – To empower/educate by giving names to thingsWhy “Deconstructing”?Sarah flies her nerd flag proud as takes you back to her love of chemistry in 9th grade, and how her love of the science lab taught her that the more we are familiar with something, the more we can recognize it in different forms/surroundings/circumstances.&nbsp; Sarah works with gaslighting the same way: gaslighting can show up different ways, with different people, in different situations.&nbsp; &nbsp;What is Deconstructing Gaslighting?In Sarah’s (free) workshop, she explains how there are two components to a gaslighting experience – what the gaslighter is doing, and what happens inside the person being gaslit. In her work, she has taken both components and looked at all the moving parts.The things she will talk about in this podcast are: 1) The gaslighter’s level of awareness, agenda/reason they may be gaslighting, methods, techniques, tactics, common phrases used and the roles someone may step into. 2) The stages of a gaslighting relationship (per Dr. Robin Stern) and two things about the gaslightee - risks/vulnerabilities, and the traps. In this podcast, we won’t do a deep dive, but I’ll name things from these categories, so that you can begin to understand them somewhat. (If you’re interested in doing the deep-dive, check out my 12-week program here).Set your alarm: Embrace (your) Awakening.&nbsp; Embrace the process – commit to YOURSELF.&nbsp; Closing: Thank you for listening!&nbsp; If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.&nbsp; And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!Visit Sarah's website to download her FREE guide and/or Assessment hereHave a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here Want to be on the podcast and have Sarah deconstruct your gaslighting experience? Request to be on podcast here

In this episode, Sarah introduces herself by sharing her experiences throughout her friendship, courtship, and 19 year marriage to her ex-husband (Where she got her "street cred" to become a gaslighting specialist). She shares some of the stories of how she experienced gaslighting, the "red flags" she didn't understand, and how she views them now - after studying gaslighting for the past nine years. Listen in, as she and her friend Annie have an intimate, raw, sassy, and inspiring conversation as Sarah shares about her journey, and Annie asks questions as a proxy for you, the listener.Word of the day: Gaslighting - when a person (or group of people), through covert behaviors, convinces another person that what they think, feel, believe or perceive is inaccurate or invalid (Sarah's definition). Visit Sarah's website to download her Free Guide and/or Assessment here Have a questions you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here Want to be on the podcast and have Sarah deconstruct your gaslighting experience? Request to be on podcast here Our Anthem: Not Today, by Wendy ChildWe got stars in our eyes like diamondsWe got heart and the fuel to light it… yeah we burn it upWe got all the magicShout out if ya have itYeah we go with the flow like riptidesTake a walk if you’re not on our side..Yeah we’re dangerousYou’re not gonna throw meAlways got my home team&nbsp;Ooo….you’re tryna make me lose my mindOoo....&nbsp;Not Today, oh!We got our own mojoYou’re not gonna stop usDon’t get in our wayNot Today, oh!We're AficionadosCan’t take that awayOh no not today&nbsp;Yeah we light up the night with our glowAnd we know that our vibe is in vogueDon’t be enviousWe got all the magicShout out if ya have it&nbsp;Ooo….you wanna try to drag me downOoo....&nbsp;Not Today, oh!We got our own mojoYou’re not gonna stop usDon’t get in our wayNot Today, oh!We're AficionadosCan’t take that awayOh no not today&nbsp;We spend all our time, on the grind…heyIt’s all on the line, we’re on fire...heyStick it to the man, we got plans…heyWe will take a stand, cause we can...&nbsp;Not Today, oh!We're AficionadosCan’t take that awayOh no, oh no!&nbsp;Not Today, oh!We got our own mojoYou’re not gonna stop usDon’t get in our wayNot Today, oh!We're AficionadosCan’t take that awayOh no not today&nbsp;No, not todayOoo, no not todayCan’t take that awayOh no, not todayOh no not today

Introducing Deconstructing Gaslighting, the podcast, where people share their stories about gaslighting, and I deconstruct it to show how and why it was gaslighting. I'm your host, Sarah Morales. I’m a relationship coach and gaslighting specialist; but even more than that – I’ve been where you are, and I’m here to cultivate a place for you to begin to find answers...If you’re where I was 10 years ago, then you’re looking for answers; looking for relief from things like confusion, anxiety, doubt, fear.&nbsp; You’re also looking for hope – ESPECAILLY the hope that comes from seeing someone who has been through the same type of hell you are going through emerge on the other side.&nbsp;It’s my mission and passion to make recognizing and understanding gaslighting easier.&nbsp; This podcast is the result of my life’s work over the past decade, and I can’t wait to share it with you.&nbsp; On Deconstructing Gaslighting, my guests and I will do two of the most important things needed to heal from the effects of gaslighting and emerge on the other side – that is, to emerge confident, free, and awake: First, we will share our real-life stories so that you can see yourself in others and not feel so alone.&nbsp; Then, we will help you find names for the things you are experiencing, but don’t have the words for.&nbsp; Each week, my guest’s real-life examples of gaslighting will make you laugh, cry, perhaps say a cuss word or two, and help you find a community unlike any other.&nbsp; We will also share tools that will most assuredly have you leaving the episode with some new awareness or application for YOUR life.New episodes air every Tuesday, 12 pm EST, and available for free on any app that supports podcasts.&nbsp; You are invited.And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are.