Daughters Who Dare

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. So…if I told you that the title of this episode is, “There’s No Place Like Home,” would you close your eyes, click your heels together three times and hope for the best like Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz”? I am quite fortunate. If I did that, I wouldn’t go anywhere. I am already home. I can relate to Dorothy for many reasons. Here are some of them: 1. I survived a sh*t storm (or life tornado) 2. I ended up somewhere I never expected 3. I found and created a whole new family 4. I made it safely home Actually, for the past 33 years, I could happily and proudly say, ‘I am home.’ Although I appreciate the four walls around me, home is much deeper than that. For me, home means… I am safe. I am loved. I belong. There truly is no place like home.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Why have I chosen the saying, “We’re like chalk and cheese “ for this episode, you ask? Because it is the best way to describe the stark differences between a narcissistic parent and child. This is a British idiom used to describe two things or people that are COMPLETELY different despite perhaps looking similar. On the outside, we both look like humans. But, on the inside, we are chalk and cheese. Chalk is messy, so the narcissists are chalk in this case. It’s a tricky one, I know. As narcissists can charm the socks off of anyone, many people are unable (or unwilling) to see their ‘chalky characteristics.’ Having said that, very few people would have known that I had been living with narcissistic parents unless I told them. Suffice it to say, I have no problem seeing, identifying and pointing out the obvious differences. In this episode, I share many of them. Please don’t judge a book by its cover. The chalk is in there. Believe me. I know.

Living in the UK comes with its perks. Sunshine isn’t one of them (haha). But, knowing that I will never encounter a venomous snake is a perk that I appreciate, even though I don’t often think about it. I can’t say the same about the narcissists in my life. Their bites - both poisonous and repetitive - happen anytime and anywhere. Unlike most people in the wild, children of narcissists aren’t just thinking/worrying about ONE snake or ONE bite. No such luck! We are wondering when the NEXT bite is coming. For a huge chunk of our lives, we had to live in the snake’s den. Moving out and/or away, however, doesn’t ensure a safe surrounding. Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. We must learn to live with the ‘bites and poison,’ along with the scars that are left behind. At the same time, we can learn to focus on the healing. Yes, it’s hard and painful, but it is incredibly liberating as well. Once you have identified the snake(s) in your life, you have choices to make. Try not to chase the snake. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. Focus on the healing. You deserve to live a happy and snake-free life.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. One thing that has become perfectly clear to me is that narcissists are great performers. And, just like performers, they need an audience. Narcissistic parents only require an audience of ONE. These narcissistic performers or, as described in this episode, puppeteers, need a WILLING assistant (puppet). It’s natural to want to place full blame on the puppeteer because it is traditionally their hand…their actions…their script…their voice that controls the puppet. I now understand that a narcissistic puppet show is a different act altogether. The WILLING puppet (parent) has choices and free will. No one has a hand up their back. With that in mind, I can confirm that they are equally responsible, don’t get excuses, don’t deserve hall passes and haven’t earned forgiveness. The puppet’s OWN HAND is in all of it.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. My birth family has never met me. I can hear you saying, “What do you mean? You talk about them on every episode.” Let me clarify. My birth family have never met the REAL me. I wasn’t playing roles, nor was I incognito. I have only ever been myself - living my truth and being authentic - but, for some inexplicable reason, they were(and are) unable to see me for who I really am. I tried to belong. I desperately wanted to be a part of the family. I hung on for too many years, mainly due to the fear of losing my birth family. But, I have realised something that has completely changed my way of thinking. I didn’t LOSE my family. I never HAD them. I don’t know why my birth family sees/knows one version of me, whilst my chosen family sees/knows a very different version of me. However, I DO know which one is the REAL me and that is all that matters.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Sometimes, I feel like I am sat in an eternal, never-ending waiting room on my own. I am anxiously awaiting my name to be called. I never know when it is going to happen or why. I can’t leave even though I am uncomfortable…so, I wait. Sitting in that unique, imaginary waiting room evokes a mix of emotions…many of which are similar to our experiences of waiting in a Doctor’s Surgery. Listen as I explore what sitting with ongoing trauma can look and feel like for children of narcissistic parents. Dealing with narcissistic parents doesn’t come with a time line or specific treatment plan. There isn’t a pill, an ointment or a plaster big enough for the deep wounds. It is one reason that the healing process is so unique. The good news is that I can be sitting in the waiting room and still live a very happy, hopeful and fulfilling life. The reality is painful and unfair - for sure - but we can choose to be happy.

I have been dealing with my own worst enemy as long as I can remember. If I looked into mirrors, I would see her far too often. But, I didn’t need to see my reflection to know that she was right here. You guessed it! I am talking about me. Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. As children, we believe every word our parents say. Why doubt them? We don’t because what they say is the truth…or is it? For far too long, I believed my narcissistic parents. Eventually, I had to make the conscious choice to NO LONGER BELIEVE. It didn’t happen overnight, but it happened. I now listen to my own voice. I believe my own truth. That one choice has changed my life. You can choose to do the same.

For those navigating toxic, narcissistic family relationships, we are all too aware of the price we have paid and continue to pay. In some very real ways, it feels like we are being robbed every single day. What can cost that much? I am referring to the LOSS that happens when - as a child of narcissists - you choose to stand up, speak out, speak your truth and, if necessary, cut ties altogether. Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. The price keeps increasing and the cost gets greater. It’s a gradual process, not happening all at once, like a simple bank transaction. For me, the cost meant standing alone, which resulted in having no extended family for my children. I used to apologise for that, especially since it was a direct result of my hard choices. No more apologies! I now embrace ‘just us.’ I wouldn’t change it for the world because I have everything I need…EVERYONE I need! It’s JUST US.

In this episode, I talk about the deep-seated sadness or grief experienced as children of narcissistic parents. It’s a heartache that lasts a lifetime. Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. You don’t have to be a parent yourself to ask the question, “Who is going to mother(parent) me?,” yet it is a familiar one asked by those raised by narcissists. We all know that being a child has no age limit. So, it’s not surprising to know that the longing to be mothered (parented) never goes away. I have had to accept the fact that no one is going to parent me. Instead of allowing that truth to rob me of my happiness, I found healthy and hopeful ways to fill in that void. EVERYONE NEEDS/DESERVES TO BE MOTHERED. So, I mother anyone and everyone I meet. It is a genuine ‘heart act’ and it makes me incredibly happy.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. When I imagine myself as a Mama Bear, my mind is filled with animated, Disney-like characters, with a heart-warming soundtrack playing in the background. However, if you asked my grown children for their versions of me as a Mama Bear, you would be transported to those infamous nature documentaries…the ones that should come with an 18 rating due to the copious amount of blood and guts splattered all over the place. Don’t worry! I never resorted to intimidation by growling, sharpening my claws or attacking others until their blood was spilt. As a Mama Bear, I couldn’t help myself. I would do and still do ANYTHING to protect my cubs…especially from the dangerous and unpredictable narcissists in the family. How I protect them has changed over time, but something else hasn’t. Know that I will not apologise for being the Mama Bear that I am (Disney soundtrack optional).

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. I know many people who detest swearing. I’m not one of them. I don’t swear to intentionally offend, upset or embarrass someone. But, I believe there are far uglier, more offensive and degrading words than the ones in my pirate vocabulary. One of the nastiest words - in my opinion - isn’t even a four letter word. It has five letters. SHAME. I carried that word and everything that goes with it, like a rucksack filled with rocks, for the majority of my life. That load was HEAVY! The good news is that I don’t carry it anymore. When I realised (and believed) that all of that stuff happened TO me…not BECAUSE of me…I could finally take off the rucksack of shame. My rejoicing doesn’t end there. I have gone one giant leap further. I decided to flip it! I now say, out loud and with conviction, “SHAME ON YOU!” Go on! Say it! Place the blame and shame where it rightfully belongs. They aren’t yours to carry.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Narcissistic parents often choose to cross, ignore or erase one boundary…the EMOTIONAL boundary…and that is one too many. They do everything in their power to engage in emotional warfare. As the parent, they know their child’s weaknesses all too well, so will be sure to choose their words carefully…pushing as many buttons and pulling as many heartstrings as possible. My mind was the first boundary that was non-existent for my mom. But, she didn’t stop there. She didn’t acknowledge boundaries AT ALL, becoming what I call a ‘free range parent.’ In her sick and twisted brain, my mind AND body were her property. For me and me alone, nowhere was safe. Crossing emotional boundaries was/is bad enough. But, choosing to cross, ignore and erase all boundaries has left me with more scars than I can count.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. In this episode, I am going to explore why a certain two letter word used to get stuck in my throat. As a child of narcissistic parents, NO really wasn’t an option. In my mind, that would lead to more rejection, more arguments and more alienation. However, once I realised that I was on this emotional rollercoaster ride ALONE, I knew that I had to speak up and stand up for myself. I had to have my own back. I can’t put a finger on exactly when there was a HUGE shift in my thinking. It was gradual and took many years…which included many tears, much heartache, endless conversations, serious disappointment and TONS OF LOSS. I can now say - wholeheartedly - that NO is a complete sentence. I hope you can come to the same conclusion…in your own time…in your own way. Learn to say NO. Full stop.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. Can you believe it? We are celebrating 50 episodes of Daughters Who Dare! In this episode, I am sharing a short story I felt compelled to write. I listened to my heart and put the words down on paper. Have a listen. I hope it helps to demonstrate how it felt and continues to feel to be a daughter of narcissistic parents. The short story ends, but my story doesn’t end there. It happens again…and again…and again. Due to the endless ‘heart invasions’ I have experienced, I knew one thing for sure. If I was blessed to have children, I would choose to love them fiercely. I was blessed. I am blessed. I chose AND choose to love my children fiercely…NO MATTER WHAT!

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. We spend our lifetime ‘building ourselves’ …who we are - what we believe - what we think - who and what we love…and so on. If we step back a moment and look at what we’ve built - or should I say - who we built, we can be proud of the person we built…the person we have become. Whether we do that at 18, 25, 30, 40 or 60, the bubble of pride can be popped instantly. In this episode, the pin holder is the narcissist parent (no surprise there!) Like a human wrecking ball, they can reduce our self-worth to a pile of rubble. They can cause total destruction or knock us off balance. Either way, we are left to rebuild…piece by piece. And, to make things worse, we never know when it is going to happen. It could be a social media post, a letter, a phone call, a text message, a song or nothing out of the ordinary. Others may find any of these insignificant. I am not others. I am not going to apologise for my reaction. I will not be ashamed of the way it makes me feel. I will, however, give myself permission to feel ALL of the feels.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. For the purpose of this episode, I want you to imagine me stood on my soapbox. I am about to preach! I say these things to all of us…including me. Having reached the ripe old age of 60, I have come to many conclusions. Today, I present you with 10 of them. I encourage you to listen and - if you want - take notes. Once the episode is finished, I challenge you to do the same. You may not feel confident to go public. That’s okay. Instead, stand in front of your bathroom mirror and preach your truths. Create your own soapbox moment. Sometimes, we all need to hear our own voice.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. In this episode, I am discussing the biggest decision I ever had to make and, the crazy thing is, I had to make it on four separate occasions. No one can tell you if, how or when to do it. I am going to walk you through each decision…all 4 of them…because they all happened at different stages of my life and each one was unique. How did I come to my decision to go No Contact with my narcissistic parents? You’ll have to listen to find out. Remember, I had no example to follow. I had no one cheering for me on the sidelines and I had no podcast to listen to. Haha. With each decision came some BIG FEELS. Some of mine may surprise you. The bottom line is I am proud that I made those choices. However, I am still learning how to live with my choices.

Join Erin and her guests, as they delve into what it means to be a child of a narcissistic parent. Each fortnightly episode is crammed full of honesty, humour and hope. This will come as no surprise! No matter where we turn, there are countless injustices in the world. Whether we are walking down the high street in major cities, turning on the news or scrolling on our phone, we are bombarded with many examples of injustice. All of the scenarios I mentioned are injustices that are happening around us. They are external. We do have the luxury of closing our eyes, burying our head in the sand or living in a bubble if we want. But, what if the injustices take up space in our mind - our heart - and our body? What if we aren’t given the luxury of escape? What if the injustices aren’t things we have seen, read or heard, but have experienced for a lifetime? What if those injustices were committed by those who should be protecting us? What if we are the children of those who inflict those many injustices? We have no choice but to learn to live with it. Where is the justice in that? Well, I will tell you. My justice is my life. My justice is the woman I have become and continue to become. I win!