California King

Opportunity: personal care finally takes its show on the road. NOTE: This episode and its claims have not been evaluated by The Food and Drug Administration. So, you're welcome. Please step inside the perimeter of the temporary fence line, then proceed through the large disclaimer bottle. To your right is Alan's Foreskin, and to your left is Adam's Paragon of Blades™ (launching Fall, 2023). Children must be monitored at all times. Also, all attractions are offered "as-is," and their utilization therein does not create a bailment or constitute a "medical diagnosis." Any appendage submitted to the cobbler's public fluoroscope is offered solely at the guest's own risk. Side effects may include extensive cranial scarring, crippling student debt, and grave personal regret. Ask your operator if Supplement is right for you. Editor: Paul O’Mara (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Supplement - YouTube Fig. 1: Our muse, Dr. Raymond Damadian, in his repose.

Opportunity: A grand roving dignity sink The Soft Boys add frisson to any streetscape. Editor: Paul O’Mara (This episode is available only in audio, to honor the richness of Homeric oral tradition.)

Opportunity: Take a page from a storied American industry. Ask your doctor if our juice is right for you. Editor: Paul O’Mara (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) The Benediction of Sister Susan - YouTube

Opportunity: Helping you become more comfortable in your skin. Editor: Paul O’Mara (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Yellow Leather - YouTube

Opportunity: Radical Proximity should be an immersive experience. First off: this is not a cult, okay? Look, if an Aerie of Randies is a little hot under the collar and wants to be stone soup with some other hard-working men, who are you to judge? The good news is we're probably already available in your neighborhood, so just flag down the apologetic lady in the Shriner car, and she will be more than happy to top off your wing sauce and freshen up your straw. Everybody ready? Are you ready?! Because…hmmmmmmmmmmmmm… "WHOOP-sie!" Editor: Paul O’Mara (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Big Tubs - YouTube

Opportunity: A fresh look at a storied neighborhood. Editor: Paul O’Mara (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) The Situation District - YouTube

Opportunity: Your bar may be unfinished, but your cassette deck is definitely done. Editor: Paul O’Mara (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Five of a Kind - YouTube

Opportunity: home is where you hang your backpack Editor: Paul O’Mara (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Thrival Future - YouTube

Opportunity: who arted? In the liminal space between life and performance, there exists a certain hallway. Editor: Paul O’Mara (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Interregnum - YouTube

Opportunity: There's no "I" in "mistake." Let's be honest. If you had to do it all over again? Yeah, you'd probably do even worse. I mean. Look at you. No, seriously, it's fine. Well. It's not "fine," but it is universal, and that's ultimately where the big money is. So, the question becomes, what if you could do worse better? Again. You won't, but that's not the point. The point is, you're ready to commit to change, or at least the appearance of commitment. But, you won't figure that out until you land on the big balloon in Act III. But, let's not get ahead of ourselves. How would you feel about a face tattoo of a foot? Or a foot tattoo of a murder tear? Or a night on a futon that practically screams "hand stuff?" Let me start over. Hi. Have you ever avoided a mistake that, in retrospect, you really wish you'd made? Yeah. Also: sorry about your contact lens. Also, also: sorry about Austin. Just…sorry. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) David Fincher’s House of Whoops - YouTube

Opportunity: sometimes, the best couple skate is the one you skate alone. Listen: it's your room now. Mr. Sandwich is only here to act as a guide. And, while vaping is not encouraged, Ms. Menounos will be happy to repair your phone screen at Booth M5605 (Mezzanine). Simply agree to corkage, and our monster will be happy to top off your corn. Thanks, and enjoy the show. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Lobster Roll Bounce - YouTube

Opportunity: Improve the quality and reliability of online ratings systems with the assistance of little Philipe and a VHS tape of the pain you've caused. There’s a 2½ star Popeye’s in Tracy, and a 5-star Taco Bell in Pacifica with thousands of ratings, but who’s rating the raters? Perhaps reviewers will think twice if they know that they might have to repeat those comments to the proprietor’s sad child (rental or leasing options available). Go ahead and unzip your wallet. Is it full of receipts? Open a Window™ and let those money ghosts fly away—you never know what ID card or student photo is waiting just around the corner. Your keyring: do you still have the keys to the car you drove as a toddler? Go ahead and slide those off. Sure you might break a fingernail—hold onto that, it’s a happy memory of your newfound freedom you might want to bequeath to a friend one day. Grab your satchel full of California quarters and your wallet full of tiny bills. Let's mint a new you. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Big Money - YouTube

Opportunity: an immersive journey inside of another immersive journey. When Hobbes first stipulated that Man's primal instinct naturally reverts to a state of mall against mall, he probably had no idea how prescient he barely was. But, what if History could also be a lively if self-referential retail and fast-casual dining experience? What if, indeed, that food court were presided over by a period-appropriate "judge" who deliberately attracted fleas and never broke kayfabe to admit that Wu-Tang Clan even exists? Well, steel your guts and pack your butts, because your reality is about to get deeply augmented by some really upsetting contextual tableaux. Like it or not, you've got the music in you. At least for now. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) History Mall - YouTube

Opportunity: a destination holiday you just can't wait to leave. Isn't it finally time for fun Dads to get their dream vacation? Just submit your dossier, pack your toilet, and get ready for some long-overdue Aloha. Please be sure to include any specific skills you'd like to see complimented, all relevant dietary restrictions, plus painfully detailed notes outlining your position on clowns. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) One Ticket to the Gun Show - YouTube

Opportunity: monetize the admittedly thin line between jape and assault. There's a party in the boy's room, and you're invited. Your Scoutmaster is here to encourage wholesome habits and gently dissuade you from doing your business in a swim suit. So, c'mon in. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) C.A. Baracus - YouTube

Opportunity: turbocharge your brand influence with these mind-blowing tricks. Listen. Sometimes, we all need a little help. Maybe you broke a gear tooth or even a toe. Maybe, you just can't remember whether Hegel played Dr. Who or Elvin Tibideaux or Harry Bentley. Our highly-trained Crossperts™ are standing by to "help." Perhaps not in the way that you want, but, definitely in the way that you need. Now take off your shoes and peel this fruit. We will be taking a lot photos but probably won't put them on the internet. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Mr. Fahrenheit's Here - YouTube

Opportunity: A man, a plan, a canal, Erie! What is it going to take for me to put you on this ship today? Revive the recycling economy, and pick up your own slightly stained "Dirty Venice" tee. Not the golf kind. Although, you can buy that too. Also, please be circumspect about the buffet, and always be guided by the advice of your new assistant, Ray-Ray. If you need anything, just flag down Suzie, and please do have your checkbook ready. You're really going to need it. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Livin' Barge - YouTube

Opportunity: medical appliances that go ham. In these challenging, sexy times, your industry is probably suffering a grave synergy crisis. Maybe it's time to accept that there's no box to think outside of. So, drop a coin in the bed, and strap this apparatus on your hog. It's for "health," okay? We’re not here to judge. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Lincoln Bedroom - YouTube

Opportunity: sometimes, inspiration can be a breath of fresh steam. Just because we can't be "near" each other doesn't mean we can't enjoy an intimate environment. Whether that's a museum on the Mall, or an antiqued vivarium in the woods, or even just a very large hat that you share with good friends. But, let's also address a uniquely male pain that is neither here nor there. Time to dump out that box, slap on some rusty gears, and steady your gimbal load. This week, You Look Nice Today will spit on your comb and drop a half-penny into a strangely erotic new entertainment apparatus. Mr. Twain will see you now. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Terrestrial Bathysphere - YouTube

Opportunity: one man's plank is another man's treasure chest. Now, more than ever, many Americans hunger for travel and adventure—while some yearn merely to be something besides an American. Well, your time has arrived, so, come aboard! We're expecting you. Our consultants and child-lawyers are available to review your preferences in party water, urban poultry admiralty, and the complex and often unnavigable seas of local garb and maritime headgear. Serf's up. So, plant your running shoes in a new land, and show that childless Halloween family that you're the Captain now. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Straits of Sandwich - YouTube

Opportunity: appreciation is the ultimate adaptogen. Do you suffer from moderate to severe dyschlamydia? Still stalled on your first set of braces? Tired of stuck-up "health doctors" always acting like they're the boss of you? Well. Check your mailbox. Now, remove the contents and fill 'er up to your level of satisfaction. Okay, just a little more. Litttttle more, and…perfect. Our representatives are standing by to review your case, accept your virtual confession, and answer any of the questions your wife might have about your invoice.* yours in health, —s. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) Jar-X - YouTube

Opportunity: a fashion revolution that sticks. Are you concerned about your presentation? Hate that bulging wallet? Feeling like there's nothing particularly talismanic about the body you're working with? There's no longer any need to feel left out or fretful, because You Look Nice Today has you covered. Literally. (Be sure to check out the YouTube video via this episode's show notes. It's way better that way.) The Velcro Side - YouTube

Opportunity: a unique educational environment for students who like to use their hands. Thank you for applying to Flair School. You will soon be receiving a packet containing your spider, your practice juggling bottles, your fountain pen, and your recumbent bike. It's very hot in Florida right now, so feel free to grab a kombucha mocktail from the restroom next to the student lounge. Flair School - YouTube

Opportunity: Bespoke pairings in a safe environment. Welcome to Love Pharmacy. Please touch the button corresponding to the assistance you will need today. Do you need to lie down? This bed smells like your college girlfriend. And, it is very emollient.

Opportunity: Beauty is a one-way street. Ring Light Parade - YouTube

Project: a living wage for the Scotts we lost. 🩳 "Th3rd Stage at Scottfest" - YouTube

Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine outside Eufaula, Alabama. Everything was going great. We each had our own little cavernlet in which to do our alonetime ablutions and adult irrigations, and every evening we gathered by the pile of old cigarettes to tell stories and scratch each others' bug bites. We chopped wood, and we carried water. We made forts. And, yes, somtimes, we cried. Then, one night, we heard a cricket. Coming from... somewhere? Its chirp drove us crazy through those long 'Bama nights. Merlin suggested we get a lizard to kill the cricket. The plan worked perfectly. But that night we noticed the lizard looking down at us from its perch, really giving us the stink eye. Like it thought it was better than us. So Adam bought us a snake to take care of the lizard. And, then, somehow, there was a filthy Persian cat to take care of the snake. And so forth. So, long story short: our cave is now occupied by a family of endangered Alabama Beach Mice (Peromyscus polionotus ammobates). And, we have returned to California. Also, we are out of money.