Aardvark Avarice

Happy Holidays Aardvarkians! Welcome to "My Worst Christmas." No Hans Gruber did not take over my Christmas Party, I received my Christmas bonus this year, but I wouldn't mind a one-year subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club, and I didn't spend all my bonus on removing my son's tattoo and betting on Santa's Little Helper. My worst Christmas involved just some light B & E and a lifetime supply of mild trauma. Enjoy!

It’s time for Garbage Plate #5! Your beloved comedy podcast, Aardvark Avarice, delivers a fresh, chaotic batch of absurd and relatable humor. This week, we cover developing "deer-dar" on the road, the mind-blowing discovery of seamless socks, why all new employees get the absolute worst desk chair, and the creation of a brilliantly stupid new hero, The Foot. Tune in for the best funny podcast stories you won't hear anywhere else!

My Prefrontal Cortex Was Infiltrated by AI (and Now I Want to Ride an Emu). Is your AI friend trying to infiltrate your brain? In this episode enjoy a freaky, cheeky conversation with Microsoft Copilot (Byte), then swerve into pure chaos with the true story of an uncatchable emu terrorizing the town of Spilsby. Throw in smart toasters, secret plans for world domination, and the perils of trying to ride an emu at a petting zoo and you can say this episode has it all!

“Now the story of a common family, with common lives, living as commonly as can be. They are The Blums.” When Ari avoids intimacy, Talia investigates, uncovering the surprising link between cable news and their bedroom life. In this satirical comedy discover how horizontal stripes, PTSD, and Fox News are just a few of the challenges when it comes to a happy marriage.

Tired of close talkers, unsolicited back-pats, and aggressive huggers? Are you repulsed by plutonic physical contact, or even close proximity by anyone not called Mom, Wife, Son or Daughter? If so, then this episode's for you. Provided you are willing to hedge the fine line of social acceptability, this episode will teach you how to repel social encroachers with extreme prejudice. This podcast does come with a warning, however. Side effects may include extreme social awkwardness, a permanent personal space bubble, and possible legal issues. Cheers!

Happy Holidays and welcome to Aardvark Avarice's "A Very Jaded Christmas." This is for all those poor sad sacks like me who look around and want to celebrate Christmas, want to feel the joy, want to revel in all its magnificence, but you just can’t. Well, I figured it out, and you can too. You just might have to do things a little – different. Why don't you hit "play", and I'll tell you how.

Borture – the unofficial term for the “torture” that “boredom” puts us ADHD Atypicals through. In this podcast, I illustrate my struggles and hatred of Committee and Staff Meetings and the extremes I go through to combat the excruciating borture they put me through. Would I publicly record this podcast naked to avoid a Staff Meeting? You bet your booties I would. Enjoy! Clothed or naked. That’s up to you.

Back by unpopular demand, I am very excited about the return of super villain, The Evil Genius. In this episode, he will give us updates on his nefarious ways including the addition of a sidekick. Also, we bring on a surprise special guest. Cheers!

Welcome to Aardvark Avarice, a podcast of Nerd Humor and Geek Comedy. Is there anything that embodies survival of the fittest than the morning commute and is there any movie that represents that dog-eat-dog battle better than Mad Max: Fury Road? In this episode we look at the morning commute for what it is, a gladiator fight for survival.

Welcome to Aardvark Avarice, a podcast of Nerd Humor and Geek Comedy. With pleasure, I would like to welcome back to the podcast, the self-help show Ask Gorgon. Here with his unique and thoughtful insights to your letters is exiled emperor Gorgon the Destroyer, joined now by his new producer, Willie.

Welcome to Aardvark Avarice, a podcast of Nerd Humor and Geek Comedy. Here we are again with yet another Garbage Plate. In this smorgasbord we cover Geico Customer Service, my personal manliness, a fat caterpillar, the Hulu HIMS conspiracy, the lovely tunes of Ace of Base, Septic Tanks, and a few quips from my 10-year-old son. Enjoy!

Welcome to Aardvark Avarice, a podcast of Nerd Humor and Geek Comedy. It's true they can't all be winners. Dame Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen have won ever award under the sun, Idris Alba is liquid awesome, and Taylor Swift is - well, Taylor Swift. Yet, they all appeared in the movie Cats. Yeesh. My own crap show was a play called Sticky Buns. Don't judge me too harshly.

This is part two and the conclusion of "Aliens Among Us". Will Tamara escape the unrelenting advances of Dan the finance man or will her alien capturer keep her imprisoned until she gives in to its demands - one box of chocolate covered peanuts. Sometimes, aliens just suck. Enjoy!

On a sunny day in Central Park smarmy finance guy Dan attempts to chat up the attractive Tamara, but she's not making it easy. Neither is her little secret. It's alien related if you couldn't tell from the title. Aardvark Avarice presents the fiction story "Aliens Among Us". This is part one of a two-part series. Enjoy.

Welcome to Aardvark Avarice, a podcast of Nerd Humor and Geek Comedy. The following is a sketch comedy presentation of a North American Football League post-game show. On field reporter Tugger Macdonald interviews players from the winning team, the Gridiron Goons. Enjoy! 1:35 - Connor "Hondo" Tate 7:05 - Dade Kimble 9:43 - Busby Fienes

Welcome to Aardvark Avarice, a podcast of Nerd Humor and Geek Comedy. I just want to say that the mall is where men’s hairstyles go to die. Over a decade ago I made the mistake of getting a haircut at the mall and I've suffered the trauma ever since. Only now do I feel comfortable telling my story. My hope is that others can learn from my experience and avoid the tragedy that befell me. Enjoy!

In this podcast I present letters of recommendation from an ROTC Seargeant, Bill Gates, and the big fuzzball himself, Chewbacca. With corresponding voices, of course. Yes, somewhere in the great slush pile ether, these letters accompanied very fictional resumes and cover letters I wrote to apply for very real jobs. Taxidermist. Pallbearer. CIA Agent. This was one outlet I used to stem off boredom. Now I just do a podcast. ROTC Seargeant: 3:23 Bill Gates: 6:00 Chewbacca: 8:20

If you’ve listened before you know I like to do an occasional episode I call a garbage plate, where I throw together all the ideas that couldn’t fill out a whole episode on their own. This is garbage plate #3 where I discuss things like sneezes, Batman, Val Kilmer, Val Kilmer as Batman, motorboating (the naughty kind), Yo Mama, and my personal Maple Taffy Conspiracy. Enjoy!

I saw a nondescript white van sitting in front of my office building. Nothing ever good stepped out of a nondescript white van, and nothing ever safe and wholesome happened in a nondescript white van.

For your pleasure, we here at the Aardvark have unearthed a lost recording of the late Sean Connery, God rest his soul. Harking back to his days as Darby O’Gill he gives us his rendition of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer… while showering. Enjoy.

Ah, Wiki, ever the giver of miscellaneous information and filler content for high school research papers. This podcast looks at those unusual Wiki articles devoted to sports, and not just because I’m looking for a filler podcast. I really wanted to do the voices of two eels talking about the sport Conger Cuddling. Who wouldn't. Enjoy.

In this episode I interview supervillain, The Evil Genius. He is the two-time winner of the Rapscallion Reader’s Black-Hat award and the readers of Scoundrel Weekly voted him most likely to plunder, pillage and pontificate. The Evil Genius gives us some insight into his past and enlightens us on some of his proudest accomplishments.

This podcast is another of my brainless hodge podges. I throw together Nerd ADHD, Nietzsche Dad jokes, my distrust of a middle-aged stoner, the Little Mermaid, an encounter with a Zoomer, and plenty of singing into 19 minutes of gooey yumminess. Enjoy, and don't forget the wet wipes.

Join us for the conclusion of The Werewolf and the Sociopath. This is Part 2 of a special Halloween series. Cheers!

Happy Halloween Aardvarkians. For the next two episodes I will be going off script. In light of the holiday, we are diving into the devilish world of fiction. Aardvark Avarice is proud to present the short story The Werewolf and the Sociopath. This is part one. I hope you enjoy it. Cheers!

I suggested I was going to do an episode on corrupting the youth and here we are. Is there any decade more corruptive than the 80s? I think not. If I wasn't a happily married man, I would still have my Like a Virgin poster hanging above my bed - I mean on my wall.

We are happy to introduce a new addition to Aardvark Avarice titled Ask Gorgon. Former tyrannical ruler of the planet Turloth, Gorgon the Destroyer, offers his unique advice to any listener with a problem or question. If you would like to Ask Gorgon for advice, please send your questions to [email protected].

The following is a dramatized reading of a SPAM letter I received in my work email. Enjoy, but don't worry you have not been infected by malware. That itchy rash down around your junk is just Syphilis. I'm sure we have a cure for that by now.

I am a nerd. I make know excuses. This is the way. For all of you out there who rock the horn rims, laugh at Apple's no touch policy and crack open that iPhone just because you can, and have submitted a Tron script to Disney for the next sequel, this episode is for you.

The Hulk vs John Tesh, Deniece Williams for the soul, 80s D-bags, toilette etiquette, a hopeful Bromance, and plenty of uncomfortable singing. This is what happens when I decide to throw random thoughts and life events into a podcast episode. Enjoy.

Is he or isn't he? That's the question. As a lover of all things cult, absurdist, and just plain weird, Nicolas Cage tops my list of over the top actors who never fail to entertain. Even in the worst movies ever conceived. "Deadfall" anyone? But, could Nic Cage actually be a vampire? In this episode we will explore that question as well as a dude with a serious thanatophilia problem and we'll take a gander at a recently discovered vampire skeleton.

Not that I'm a fan of Britney Spears, but "Oops!...I did it again." I made a mistake...again, only this time it was in my apology for the last mistake I made. Let's hope this doesn't become a systemic problem. Anyway, sorry René Auberjonois (RIP), or should I say Constable Odo of the Star Trek series Deep Space Nine. Wherever you are, take solace in the fact that I find you far more talented than the subject of my last mistake.

At times I will make mistakes during my podcasts and I will have to take time to account for those mistakes. I just didn't think it would happen so soon, or with a reference to a comedian I find about as funny or entertaining as Jar Jar Binks. That would be Ricky Gervais. In fact I'd rather go to a Gungan seminar on prostate health with Jar Jar as the keynote than sit through a Ricky Gervais performance. Just saying.

"Never apologize, mister, it's a sign of weakness." John Wayne said that in "She Wore a Yellow Ribbon." What side of the coin do you fall on that assertion and if you wanted to imitate John Wayne, but lacked a robust southern drawl, what Harry Potter character's voice would you use instead? Join me as I look at the apology, comedy, and bad impressions.

In the pilot episode I dive into that cuddly and loveable rapscallion, the dentist, and the enthralling topic of oral hygiene. Join me as I touch on the evils of fluoride rinse, alien probes - because dentistry and alien probes are undoubtedly linked, and gum love - which is bound to be the next viral sensation.